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the NOCD Community

Does anyone on here with a traditional view of marriage suffer from HOCD? Just curious.

So I don’t really no what this is or if I deal with it completely or how to deal with it. Obviously if it’s an intrusive urge it’s something unwanted but is it possible to “semi” act upon it? Or of curiosity? (But not do something extreme) like if anyone else saw it wouldn’t look like you did anything terrible but you know that you did it? I don’t know if I’m making sense… but does anyone ever get curious about the bad thoughts and urges? And does that mean it’s not ocd but it’s something else/worse that needs to be dealt with? I really want a therapist to see this lol I also feel relatable to my curiosity I had as a kid when it comes to being kind of aggressive. Like one time I pinched a baby just to see what would happen; I feel bad for it now. But i worry about stuff like that within myself that may not be ocd because I don’t want to turn in to a monster that does terrible things to kids or people. But I feel like I’m looking for excuses to keep doing little things. Even thought I don’t want to want that. I want to be normal. I think. I hope.

I have existential OCD as well as avoidance OCD. I’m not sure what to call it actually, but I have had a lot of issues with social rejection, and struggle with excessive rumination, avoidance, and maladaptive daydreaming. I have made a lot of progress with doing exposures, especially when it comes to my fear of the world and the future. That being said, I still feel so alone. Before I knew I had OCD, I still had an understanding that I had a huge issue with perceived social judgment. I have been telling myself for a long time that what people think about me doesn’t matter, it only matters how I feel about myself. I have tried to engrain it in me and for a short while, I even got a false sense of confidence I had never had. At the end of the day I still feel so ashamed and embarrassed to be myself. I have a really hard time trying to like myself. It makes everything harder. I don’t enjoy eating. I don’t enjoy playing guitar anymore because I don’t feel good enough to even play it. I don’t enjoy taking care of my body because I don’t enjoy being in my body. Taking a shower feels humiliating and wrong. Interacting with people makes me feel like a fake person. My head gets so clouded and I don’t even know how I come up with responses. I feel like I am on the verge of letting the mask slip simply because I’m too exhausted to hold it up anymore. I haven’t told many people I have OCD and have been struggling with persistent depression because I don’t get taken seriously. It feels like being mentally ill is a trend now, therefore people don’t take it as seriously when you say you have something .. I don’t understand how people can romanticize something like that, because my mental illnesses have done nothing but scare people away and attract people who want to use you. In what world do people want to go around bragging about that and then shut down people who are legitimately mentally ill because it doesn’t fit their fantasy. I cannot let people in my life know that I am not okay, but at the same time I am cracking, and I feel close to panic way too often. I feel like i’ve had to fake every positive emotion for the last year and intermittently almost my whole life. I know that what I am complaining about is touching more on depression than OCD, but I don’t really have anywhere else to get this out. I also wanted to know if this was normal? I have, regardless if how I felt, done my exposures, tried to take care of myself as best as I can, and still continue to work towards a future career. I feel like my compulsions aren’t as strong as the used to be (some days are better than others) but I still feel like a shell of a human being. Has anyone else experienced this as they were progressing through exposure therapy?

I once heard from a fellow psychology major that people with OCD get songs stuck in their heads easier than others. I know this is definitely true for me because I have a song in my head probably 90% of the time (no exaggeration). Does anyone feel this way? I’m interested to know.

anxiety is night tonight it's to do with past events and uncertainty so i'm feeling about down

Ok so there has to be a reason my body sometimes does things I don't want to spontaneously like doing a quick movement that I know will bother/somewhat "hurt" my cats, like I'm not doing it on purpose my body just like sees my cat and acts on its own before I can even react and stop myself. I feel super guilty afterwards and pet them to make up for what I've done. And I do have OCD, one of my theme being harm OCD, specifically about hurting my pets. But this isn't OCD, it has to be something else no? I read about impulse control disorder, but it doesn’t seem to fit since there seem to be a buildup of anger or something, it’s too spontaneous to be that in my opinion, I also found something about depersonalization but I don’t really feel like I’m spectating my life.

Does anyone else have a fight or flight response to an ocd trigger that makes you yell or snap like an angered response, but it's actually just fear and lack of regulation? If so, what do you do?

So my ocd is raging today. I have had a lot of intrusive thoughts that really disturb me but I don't get anxious from them anymore. I know I don't like those thoughts but why am I not getting anxious from them anymore?

It's this time of the year, the spooky month, me personally i like this time of the year... i dont know why, but I like the spookiness, maing pumpkin latern(even that im 22...) and i even enjoy watching scary things this time of the year. I don't live in usa so we dont celebrate halloween here, but i would like to dress as something scary and go to a party or have fun somewhere with others. But then some christians say that "real christians shouldn't celebrate Halloween cause its demonic, its preaching satan" and it makes me so angry and it makes me rumminate... How dressing up as a man made scary creature that doesnt even exist would be satanic? How thats preaching the devil? Some christians judging so quickly, if death is involved in something, its satanic, its preaching the devil... As i said i dont live in usa so i just saw halloween in movies, anf i never saw anyone preaching the devil. Of course if someone does a ritual or satanic things, you should avoid that, but dressing up in a scary costume and have fun with people isnt bad, i dont understand why people say its satanic... Christians shouldnt be afraid of the devil, the Bible says to avoid things that preaches the evil(that would be rituals and witchcrafts) but nowhere says to be afraid of the devil, cause God is way more powerful then anything... remember he made them too...And christians always come with the "God says do what is good and lovely" well do you go out and harm people? No yall having fun, maybe there are some satanist who celebrates this as the day of the devil but for other people this is just a day when you dress up for something and you have fun... Its like alcohol, the Bible never said to never ever drink, just dont be an alcoholic, this is the same, dont join rituals and witchcrafts, but you can have fun in a respectful way to others, and if this triggers you to be afraid of the devil then okay you can skip it but dont judge others as satanists if they celebrate it... I know this will be a big obsession for me this month cause as a said i like to watch scary things before halloween and i like the whole thing but since i became a christian its very triggering... Also i want to hear your opinion, expecially from people in usa

Harm OCD is making me question my kindness. I've always been a kind person, put everyone else before me. Since Harm Ocd, I see everything different and I don't know if it is from the disorder, but my mind is constanly thinking about "Why to be kind and not evil?" "How do you know you like to do good more than to do evil?" or "Try evil stuff 'cause you will enjoy them" .. I aslo get sensations of "truth" and I am scared.

Can OCD make you think that you don't love people? my thoughts perssuade me that I don't have feelings. It's not true. sometimes everyone feels aphathy right? but because I have felt it too, now I think that I can't love amd feel in general and etc. Is it relatable to you?

Do people with ocd also have obessesive thoughts of friendzoning their boyfriend/girlfriend? It's been bothering me so bad it doesn't stop. I repeat myself that my boyfriend is my lover my soulmate the one I want to be with romantically. It made me view my relationship as friends and it's bothering me alot. I don't want my boyfriend as a friend I want him as a lover. That's why he's my boyfriend duh. I told him and he said don't worry! It didn't stop it still stuck with me. I have been arguing and trying to fix these thoughts for the hours and hours. I become relief than I end up spiraling then relief than spiraling. It made me feel like a bad girlfriend because I love my boyfriend as a lover! I want to marry this him. After a few hours of ruminating, I decided to play a game and teamed up with this friend who is a boy and ik it was gonna be a issue for me because I'm gonna end up having obessesive thoughts soon but I only view this friend as yk friend obviously. But then I started to have thoughts of liking him or secretly liking him and it made me panicked because I felt like I was cheating on my boyfriend and stuff and I started to have these unwanted feelings and I hated it. I left and has a anxiety attack. I was crying because I really didn't want to friendzone or cheat on my boyfriend. Then my obessesive thoughts just made me believe I was crying for the boy I was playing with and making me think I had these secretly feelings for him and I started to panick more because that's not true!!!. I don't have feelings for that boy I never did I only have feelings for my boyfriend and I only love my boyfriend!!!. I don't care about that friend I have a boyfriend!!!! But it's making me believe it so much and I feel like I did have this false crush on this boy and now I'm scared that my boyfriend is gonna end up having a crush on his friend. I feel like I messed up I'm trying to tell my mind that I was crying for my boyfriend and I was crying because I was scared of leaving my boyfriend or cheating on him and also crying because I didn't want to have these false crush on a boy again.

Is anyone a checker? It’s one of my biggest compulsions. So exhausting. How do you deal with it?

Whenever I start talking to a guy if I don’t know if I like him or am not excited when he texts me it automatically makes me think I’m a lesbian. My mind starts telling me that I wouldn’t feel like this if it was a woman. And I get images and scenarios that feel real and like I like them/want them. I’m so confused all the time and feel like I’m going to be alone forever

I have Rocd and I keep on getting a bad feeling in my chest about my bf like to where I have anxiety! The feeling is telling me he’s doing something behind my back but I have his insta and snap passwords and everything! I don’t know what to do I almost wanna look thru everything which I kinda have already! I don’t know what to do bc I hate this pit in my chest feeling and I’m scared it’s not OCD

I often fear hurting my fiancé but I often don’t avoid because I can’t we live a in a small home but my first instinct was to go back to my dads because I didn’t want to hurt her. But I know that’s not something I really want and that I love her. I do tend to tuck away in my game room a lot and I don’t know if that’s my way of getting away from her but we sleep together so I don’t know if I have just gotten used to being around her no matter how much the thoughts bother me. Is this a normal thing?

As I grew older I really loved the person I had become. I was a loving caring person and felt like I had a good head on my shoulders. But one night I woke up in a panic attack out of no where and haven’t been the same since, I now have constant anxiety and have developed crippling harm OCD. I have intrusive thoughts and images that give me terrible anxiety. I don’t even feel like the same person I was a year ago, I’m sure it had caused me to have depression now. 6 months later I have done lots of research on how to handle OCD and it has helped a bit but I’m still so stuck. I just really want to feel and think like I used too. My OCD has made it hard to think like I used too and has numbed my emotions which makes me so sad. Had anyone else had Similiar experiences OCD? It really is like living in a nightmare and makes every day a struggle and fight to push forward. *It also makes me extra sad and frustrating becuase my life is exactly what I dreamed it would be like as a kid, it should be some of the happiest moments of my life and it just isn’t.

Past Event from High School: • When I was in high school, I met this guy named Ryan. • I happened to like and comment on a picture from his Instagram. • After we began talking and found out we went to the same high school, we decided to get to know each other. • In the talk, I really liked him and everything he was saying but one thing really triggered me and my OCD. • He was transgender. • At the time, I barely knew what that was or what the word meant. • So, I asked him to explain it. To which he did. • This led me to letting him know that I thought it wasn’t best to date because I wasn’t sure that could handle him being transgender; an important note here is that I had just come out. • Later on, as our friendship developed, I developed feelings and we decided to date. • For the short two weeks I tore my insides out fighting my brain (OCD). My anxiety was at an all time high: I didn’t have any appetite or will to do anything else; I was hyper focused on figuring this out. • Some of thoughts I had were: o Am I attracted to him? o Does this mean I’m not gay or some other sexuality? o Do I like or am I attracted to his parts? o He isn’t normal. Don’t you just want a normal boy? o What will mom, dad…family think of him? My family won’t love him and accept him. o Focusing on this one part of him over the total person. o You can’t talk to mom or anyone about this. • I am not proud of this next part; I shared some of my thoughts with him. • It really hurt him. I apologized like crazy. I told him I’d have a therapy session with my therapist the day after our date that we planned. • After therapy, I left the decision in his hands, “Know this stuff about me, and my unsureness, would you be okay with letting me figure this out while I date you?” His answer was “No.” Thinking back on it I don’t blame him in the slightest. After “Past Event”: • We eventually returned to being friends. • Every time I saw him my anxiety would spike; I saw him every day walking to and from classes; we didn’t interact with each other, but I ALWAYs knew he was there. I saw him on social media. • Once graduated and unfollowing him from socials, I mostly forgot about him. • When college started, I was fine, for the most part, until his birthday in December to which I went, and my anxiety, loss of appetite, returned. • It left a couple days after. • On my birthday, he reached out to see if I wanted to “Explore and try things for fun.” To which I replied no and proceeded to have an anxiety attack with the symptoms above but shaking included. • I talked to him about it and told him that he deserved to experience stuff with someone who really cares for and was sure about him; I also found out later that his ex-girlfriend was also unsure of him being transgender, just like me. • It was then that I decided I needed to attend therapy with a new therapist; one on my campus. • My first session, I balled my eyes out about everything I was going through aside from Ryan and with Ryan included. • We had many therapy sessions thereafter. I also was able to talk about it with some close college friends that I had made. It took me about 1-2 years to move on from this. • During those 1-2 years I spent a good amount of time learning about gender, transgender issues…so that I could gain knowledge and fill in gaps of information. • Jump ahead to know, I have a decent understanding with room to learn; but I’ve also developed my own perceptions/beliefs/definitions about it all. Last Night: • I’m on dating apps again and I really hit it off with this one person I was talking to. • We decided to exchange numbers to plan a date. • Through our talk via cell phone text, non-planning, we had a really deep and great conversation. • In it, he revealed that he is non-binary (using he/they pronouns). He did it in a very informal way to which I didn’t address it because… • My anxiety went through the roof. Rating = 100. It was like I was back in the situation with Ryan. • So, after ending the conversation for the evening, I googled, “nonbinary,” to understand it; it confused me. • I journaled so I could sleep. Then I proceeded to think about it here and there throughout the night. • This morning, he sent a text letting me know he is free this evening to discuss a plan for our date. • Before responding I had similar thoughts to the one’s I had when things happened with Ryan: o Am I attracted to him? o Does this mean I’m not gay or some other sexuality? o Do I like or am I attracted to his parts? (I don’t know what they are yet) o What will mom, dad…family think of him? My family won’t love him and accept him. o Focusing on this one part of him over the total person. o You can’t talk to mom about this. • Unsimilar thoughts: o Am I attracted to masculinity/femininity? o What if I hurt him like I did Ryan? o It’ll be better to end this to protect him, and myself, from any of the harm I’ll put both of us or my family will put both of us through. • More hopeful/positively-connotated thoughts: o This is different than it was with Ryan. o I’m a different person than I was back then. o I’m more open-minded. o I’m not really letting him decide either. o I’ve learned a lot and I am still learning. • I was going to send this message: o “Hey *Name*, This is gonna come off abrupt and I apologize. I don’t wish to continue talking/dating… I know we hit it off last night, well at least I think so. And I think we mesh well. I’d like to give you a reason but I can’t share the specific details except that our dynamic reminds me of a person of the past. You and him share a similar identity characteristic. I wound up hurting him and myself (emotionally/mentally) because of it. I don’t wish to put you or I through the same. I know I’m a different person from back then and I’ve grown a lot; It just happens to be something I’ve learned won’t end well. If you want to ask questions or wish to know more lmk. I can try my best to explain and we can talk it out but that may or may not require me to bring some of my baggage out. Idk if you want to do that; we just ‘met’. Again, it’s nothing to do with you and everything to do with me. Please don’t take anything personally, you’re amazing and deserve a beautiful life and partner. You deserve someone who is sure about you. -Nicholas • But I didn’t because I didn’t feel right. It didn’t feel like I was making a choice. It felt like I had to do it to feel any sense of relief or ultimate relief. • I decided to talk to my mom about it. Oddly enough, she was very non-judgmental and helpful. Her suggestion was to reach out to my therapist. But also, to talk about and ask questions to the guy about his identity and what it means for him and how he expresses himself. We also discussed how this is different than the Ryan situation and that I am, in fact, a different person than I was in high school.

I’m crying at work while typing this. Today has been one of my worst days since last Tuesday. I’m just so tired of these thoughts always worrying about dumb intrusive thoughts. It’s starting to affect things at work, I just messed something up at work and it’s sent me. The constant what ifs is horrible. Most recent one is what if my family are clones and not real… the existential thoughts and harm ocd never lets up. It’s always new thoughts and I just want to be normal again. I pray every night that I please got back to how I was this summer. I don’t want to hurt a person and I’m sick of these thoughts. I’m taking vitamin D and B complex in hopes it will help, I don’t have a supportive family that will understand. I haven’t been given shit in this life, no physical health, no height, weight and no mental heath. I just want something and I’m really depressed. I just need someone to relate to and talk to because I feel alone and it’s killing me.

I don't want to get into too much detail, but did anyone do something wrong (sexually) as a child, something that was inappropriate and might have made the other person feel weird / uncomfortable? in my case, I don't know if I did; she certainly was quiet after, but she's usually quiet when things are weird or strange, and it was clear that she was mainly doing it because i wanted to. I know that i was young, so young that I didn't get my actions. She also says she barely remembers and doesn't care. But what I did would be considered wrong in any circumstance and might have made her uncomfortable in the moment, based on her facial expressions. I just want to know how to handle this, if anyone could give me an idea.