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how do i live my life with the past real event on my mind every second of the day i'm disgusted by it and regret and shame and just can't seem to forgive and move on 😣 i just think it's so bad what happened and can't move on

So I have personal conversations with God every morning and night. OCD, for being what it is, continues to deny this and says it wasn’t him. However, when I do speak to him, I get a sense of love, comfort, faith, and connection like I’ve never felt before. There were times where I was completely depressed and shocked and I was weeping tremendously. After speaking with God, I stopped crying and felt much better. He never contradicts his word and says to me constantly to read the Bible. He encourages me to do a lot of things and tells me what I should and should not do. When he talks, it’s a peaceful, soft voice. There are times where I get distracted, but he tells me to just take deep breaths and refocus on him. He tells me that I am much stronger than my OCD and tells me to have faith and trust in him. OCD still gets on my case about this though. I know this isn’t the enemy because the enemy wouldn’t say what I told you. He always calls me, “my son”. He tells me that I am precious and that he knew me before I was formed in the womb. When I see other people that apparently talked to him, not saying they didn’t I would never I’m assuming, I would ask why did you say this to them. He would reply that what I tell them is the business and relationship I have with them. He said to only focus on MY relationship with him. I would even ask him why would he speak to me this way. He would reply that this is HIS way of talking to me, that this way helps me the most. He even says to me “I am God” and to not be anxious about anything. OCD gets distracted during conversations and visions even from time to time, but in my heart I know it’s the Lord speaking to me

Today, my mom and my brother were watching the new Mario movie. I don’t get along with him at all, but I decided to sit in the background anyway. I’d thought it be a good exposure having to be around him and listen what he said. It was only 20 mins into the movie, and my brother was going on as to how they’d better not screw over the original Mario plot and that princess peach better not have any superpowers and that she’s only a “damsel in distress”. Well, most to his disappointment, Peach did have superpowers. The scene where she’s teaching Mario tricks was especially shocking to him. He’s like “they screwed this all up, Peach shouldn’t be this powerful! It’s an SJW agenda!” He also went on as to how they “pussified” Bowser and how he’s not supposed to have emotions, just a villain. He didn’t like that Bowser was in love with Peach, or how he puts it “why does he want to fuck Peach? It’s not gonna work” So ok, why am I even bothered you may ask? I found it triggering as it just confirms how much of a sexist he is. It also feels like a personal attack on me, albeit indirectly. Like “yeah I’m a true man, something you’ll never be!”. Since growing up, I had feminine tendencies as a guy, and was made fun of by him for that. He’s even said I’m never getting any because I’m too in touch with my emotions and wasn’t the stereotypical asshole Mr. Steal your Girl. That women should be women and men needed to be men… you probably get it by now. So it triggered my insecurities as I’ve never in my life felt “good enough” and accepted as a male because I like gardening, cooking, collecting toys, and had mainly female friends. Males always bullied me and treated me like crap. Can anyone relate to this and if so, how would you cope with these insecurities?

It’s weird how BEFORE I left for camping my ocd was like, OHNO, oh my gosh, we’re going back to the place where your brain broke, oh man. But now that I’m home my ocd is now focusing on the fear of the depression happening again the same way it did after my “brain” “breaking”. I can feel my ocd making me restless and sticking to everything about my home and it’s making it difficult to relax. But I’m trying to work through it. Also, ROCD is so weird. It’s either “Do I love him enough, am I in love enough, would I be happier with someone else,” And then it’s “does he want me still, I hope he doesn’t leave me, I wonder if he misses his ex, she was skinner then me, he didn’t say I love you as much as I did, does that mean he doesn’t love me, oh no” My brain is nonstop. Lol like why. Just relax ocd. But there’s anxiety in my chest over ocd getting worse again. Ofcourse. But we came home, washed the dog, showered, unpacked the car and now I’m chilling making pizza roles, doing some laundry and sitting with the uncomfortable feelings that come with ocd. Woooooo. 😂😬🥲😅😮‍💨😂😬😬 this just in, new ocd fear “will we still be together next year, what if we’re not and I don’t get to go up north with him ever again and that was the last time, oh no” Lawd

Im in pain and this ocd just keeps bringing me anxiety…

I had a horrible dream last night that involved me in the dream remembering having an incest encounter with my brother. It didn’t happen in the dream but it was like mentioned in the dream (confusing af I know) and now I’m really disturbed and it’s making me question if it ever did happen. I feel so bad and icky and weird. I don’t have a bad relationship with my brother we’re cool and we’re close. I could use some advice or help :(

I've experienced what I believe is hocd from early ages but started having symptoms like false attraction,, groinals etc until I hit the age of 16. Same. Story as always but I bit different,, I've been interested in women sexually and romantically since a very young age like 6 years maybe I already had crushes on my teachers at school at girls, etc. At 9 I was already aroused sexually by the feminine body and not once by men no crushes on them neither I had curiosity to see them naked. When I turned 15 I had access to the Internet and started interacting with porn, one day I watched a video where the actress looked like my mother and became afraid of it started to have intrusive sexual thoughts about my mother which led me to a state of deep depression and anxiety. One day I prayed to god asking to get my attraction to women away so that I could stop feeling so depressed about those intrusive sexual thoughts about my mother, some days after my attraction diminished to the point of being almost non existant. Kids at school used to call me gay way much I didn't know why if I was a kid I didn't look feminine but it seems they just did it because they wanted to hurt me, from then I was always obsessed about thinking if I was gay I used to ruminate about it not that much like now but it was there,, also back then I had contamination ocd I had to wash my hands until they bled couldn't touch stuff because I was afraid I could get germs, then I had health ocd I thought I had cancer and after that I was playing with a needle I found on the floor and I cut myself my accident with it and became obsessed with hiv and this was on and off for many years. So once I lost my attraction and while I was also obsessed with being gay because people used to call me that way I started to experience groinals around men and what I believe could be false attraction I even felt like I had crushes on men. Struggled some years like this until one day I realized somehow that this couldn't be me because it didn't feel genuine,, those attractions,, arousals and crushes somehow I was able to discern and realize it wasn't real " there was no information about hocd back then so had to get out of it by myself" when I became certain about my orientation my attraction came back somewhat not entirely but I still used to do compulsions even through this theme didn't keep me in an anxious and depressed state by this I mean that I could live a normal life until my 35 birthday. I believe I developed rocd I had a beautiful relationship with a woman which I love so much but she used to be agressive and we had discussions all the time, she was possessive and I then started to consider breaking up we did a few times and then got back. So one day I started talking to an ex gf we didn't flirt I didn't cheat on I gf but I used to wonder how would it be to return with my ex, back then we broke up because we couldn't be together not because we didn't quite get along and we ended in good terms so I had so much stress with my current relation that I used to fantasize imagining being with someone who could actually give me some peace. At the same time I didn't leave my gf because I was sure I loved her but then my head started to make me feel guilty because I didn't tell her I was talking to my ex and also those thoughts made me feel ole I was a cheater. From then all this guilt made me feel like the worst man on earth and lost what was left of my attraction to women and I started to have groinals,attractions and stuff for men but stronger, they still feel artificial but now it seems like it's the only thing I can feel and I feel so alone and like my case is so much different from everyone else. I also believe that if naturally I was attracted to women since my childhood but lost it from trauma I could somehow get it back but also I'm almost convinced there's no one out there that can make this happen. I also have had confession ocd and if I don't confess everything I feel guilty.

My daughter has shown sings of OCD (as described on this site, which is great) for a while. We started her with a very good therapist a couple years ago that seemed to be helping. Then Covid, then we moved, then, then, then... . 99% of the time she's fine, but if asked to do her choirs or something she'd rather not do she will some times just break down. When I can get her calm enough to talk again & she describes what the brought her to that place, she will tell me something along the lines of being overwhelmed with the task, how the task seems/ed way to big to complete, etc. I would love to get her the help she needs, but not sure where to start. We have more resources where we used to live and finding a proper doctor was fairly easy, but now we live where there are less resources and I brought her to the person I see (well most of my family, but we have mostly worked though understanding and dealing, now (again for the most part) are just in need of a person to prescribe the Rx's we need and occasionally someone to talk to). I believe my daughter needs more of the first part, understanding and dealing/coping. Thanks for read'n and any helpful advice, Cheers & stay safe, Rico

Its becoming a more normal thing to me and I hate it , but what I hate the most is the way it turns me on to the point where I get h*rny , nothing about women satisfies me anymore its like when I try to relapse for women it feels like nothing anymore , I just cant understand how my life has turned around , I considered myself straight as long as I can remember and I used to feel extreme excitement when it came to women but now that doesnt work anymore , I just want to become straight again but when this addiction kicks in I feel like Im given a “reality check” and I dont want that to be true , I dont like males irl I have never fallen in love with one only girls as I can remember but now my life has just turned upside down for me and I cant help it I want to be straight but thinking that makes me feel hopeless that I will ever fall in love with a girl again , I’ve been obsessing about my sexuality for over 5 years and this gay p*rn addiction started this year and Im scared of how much Im affected by it , others will say you are obviously gay/bi and that frightens me .

I can’t even have a relationship anymore, can’t even enjoy myself with someone who gives me everything because I’m stressed and ruining it! He’s done absolutely nothing wrong yet I’m taking everything as a bad sign! Right now I haven’t seen him in going on 2 weeks due to the fact I went on holiday and since being back I’ve worked everyday and so has he. We said we could meet during the evenings but it’s hard for us both as we’re so tired so we don’t actually have anytime. Anyway, I’m now because of this overthinking everything. Every little word he says every movement, how long it takes to message me, everything. Right now he’s got work today, wasn’t meant to be but got called in, which meant we definitely won’t be able to see each other today as tonight he has gym and I finish work at 5. But he seemed really annoyed at this fact, so I said look this is adult life we’ve gotta work around this like giving us a particular day every week to see each other instead to which he said that was a good idea. But idk I’m reading into things like him ignoring certain parts of my messages, him being active but not reading my message, his answers seem more blunt, he doesn’t seem as interested in the conversation but he is at the same time so I think it’s just me overthinking it, he’s in a rush to see me but also don’t rushing to organise, he used to say stuff to me like I’m not going anywhere and he used to make me feel special and the lsck of thag (even though there is still quite a fair bit of him saying these things just not as much) is making me worry he’s loosing interest. I’m trying hard to meet him, and he’s trying just not has hard. His family are werid with him leaving and going out, but his other siblings can do what they want which makes me think he’s lying and just doesn’t want to see me, even though he’s been behind pissed off before now because he’s had arguments with his family over this (bear in mine we are 18 and 21 me the older female) so it makes me feel horrible when he says he can’t come see me. Idk what to do, I’ve talked about it with him to which he’s reassured me it’s all in my head and that he’s fine, that he’s not going anywhere that he’s just tired and dealing with things mentally but idk just I’m getting sick of not seeing him. Also last year I dealt with a guy who emotionally and mentally played me. To the point I got so anxious I made myself ill, I got depressed and made myself physically sick with anxiety everyday, I don’t want that this year and I already feel it’s different. That it’s all I’m my head and I’m destroying it myself but I’m trying so hard to not do that! I’m just sick of waking up worried that I’m gonna loose him

I've recently had these thoughts weighing in my mind: maybe the reason that I get "triggered" when I see a k** it's because I'm secretely a **** and I'm simply in denial. There is a reason that normal people don't think of anything when they see a k** whilst I immediately feel weird and feel like looking inaproppriately, I immediately notice inappropriate parts of the body and they make me feel strange and uncomfortable, and the fact itself that I noticed those parts in the first place bother me a lot because I know I wouldn't be concerned if those same parts (like low area) that I noticed were instead of a male friend, in fact I wouldn't even notice them at all and I wouldn't feel that triggering unclear sensation in the first place, I would just see as a "whole" and not as specific inappropriate parts. That's se&ualization. It means that my brain is se&ualizing those innocent beings. Because if I weren't I wouldn't have been concerned or had noticed those parts in the first place, the whole point for why I feel that way is because my brain automatically tries to "se&ualize" those specific innocent beings even though I don't want it, maybe is a self-sabotage mechanism. But the point is that nothing would be weird if I wasn't automatically se&ualizing in the first place. This is the thoughts that I've been having and they seem very plausible and true, and it makes me feel like that I'm trying to ignore the hard but simple truth. I wish someone could tell me that I wasn't se&ualizing and that it was just all ocd's fault or like "false attraction" type of thing. I usually avoid looking at those private parts at all cost because they make me feel a triggering but unclear sensation and that unclear thing is what bothers me because I can't tell for sure if I'm really disgusted because of all my doubts and with how my brain internalizes and absorbs the disgust (I think is disgust because whenever I happen to notice I feel a sudden spike of anxiety as if I suddenly got shot or tazed and I feel like I did something disgusting and I feel very wrong and unsettled, but what if I'm mistaken and that unclear sensation was just attraction?) But sometimes instead of avoiding I do the exact opposite, I keep staring, and I don't know why I do that, I feel uncomfortable and strange and I wish I could just not notice at all like normal people do and didn't feel the urge to avoid or to stare at all. People say that this behavior is "compulsive checking" to see if you're attracted or not, but I don't really know about that, I can't explain why I do that because it feels an impulsive action without much thought behind it, like immediately doing something you're not told to (ex. "don't look behind you") the reason I think I do that it'a because my brain is pushing me to do the exact opposite of what I don't want to do, like in a self-sabotage way, and maybe I do that because I'm psychologically inclined and "thrilled" to break a rule (?) as an act of rebellion, like for example: when you know you shouldn't do something and because of that exact thing you want to do to that. I hope that if this consideration was true that the culript was ocd (like a "don't think of a purple elephant" type of shit) and not me willingly choosing to stare. What are the chances that I have ocd instead of being simply a ****? I mean, these horrible people exist and they were born like that. What if I too was born with a mental defect and that regardless of how I felt about it I was attracted by ____ and that I could do nothing to change that reality? I fear thar maybe it's not ocd, and that all the things that distressed me that happened in my mind, the things I "saw", that can still be explained and "justified" with ocd, are simply just what they seem to be: real attraction. I even had this disturbing and horrifying thought in my mind that I pray it was intrusive that said "why is it bad to be attracted by ___? I could easily see myself having that" and then followed by some of the worst thoughts that ever happened on humankind which I can't write about because it's truly so monstrous and abhorrent. I'm in denial: I fear that the answer to "was i staring inaproppriately? was i se&ualizing? was i attracted?" is simply: yes. And this conclusion was reinforced by today when I saw an instagram reel and felt like I was attracted by the little girl in the center, I was afraid that in my mind I was "appreciating" her body, that I was attracted. And this time the uncomfortable feeling that reassures me that I wasn't attracted came later than usual. I felt like I was genuinely attracted and it was different from other times where I could tell that it was false attraction.

So I am not sure if I’m officially diagnosed yet (therapist suspects I have OCD and has recently started ERP with me. I believe I have had multiple themes throughout the years, but when I started ERP my theme was entirely focused on a few real events that happened in my relationship. I spent over a year ruminating over these thoughts and memories daily, googling every possible wording of my thoughts and experiences, never being present ever because my mind was always on THIS THING. I didn’t think it could get worse, but it did. In the past few weeks, my theme has completely changed. I have been struggling with a hellish mix of of Real Event, possible “False Memory”, and POCD. I am fixating on events that have happened from my teen years to only a few months ago (I am 23 now). I really need to get this off of my chest (even if I maybe shouldn’t) and get some advice over whether talking about this with my therapist will get me put in jail or a mental hospital. *TW* These events include memories that I’m not entirely sure happened (masturbating to thoughts of an incredibly upsetting true crime case when I was a teen, masturbating to a horrifically disturbing shock movie a few years ago), as well as memories that I know happened where my intentions were not sexual but my actions were wrong nonetheless (looking into a horrific true crime case involving a child and going into google images (I didn’t see anything bad thank god), and looking at pictures online of an actress that are unfortunately easily available where she was posing nude for a magazine as a CHILD after reading about it on reddit). All of these things are ruining my life. I know I have no attraction to children whatsoever, but these events are telling me that I’m a monster. I am terrified to go into details about these things with my therapist because I’m afraid she will report me. I don’t think anything I did was illegal (unfortunately, those pictures of that actress are apparently legal and you can even purchase them on Amazon for some sick reason). But I’m not entirely sure. All of this has me really struggling with my will to live. I hate my morbid curiosity and the disgusting things it had led me to see. I don’t know why I haven’t thought about these things until now. But now that I have, I feel like my world, my character is forever changed. I’m terrified I will get in trouble for even posting this. Thanks for reading my rant.

TW: Mention of CP I feel terrible because I don't know what the hell I was expecting. I'm angry and disgusted with myself and I don't know what to do. I don't know if I should tell my therapist I just need to talk to somebody. I had an intrusive thought that a long time ago on Tumblr someone made a post about Lewis Carroll and his controversial photography. How he photographed young girls provocatively. I even have a memory of seeing them. I have this horrible compulsion where I have to check and research things to prove to my head that it wasn't as bad as I remember. So knowing that it was a bad idea! I decide to Google Lewis Carroll photographs and safe to say they were actually worse than how I remember! I'm talking full-blown nudity. These poor children couldn't have been older than five or six. I was stunned for a little bit but then quickly deleted my Google history. I feel disgusted for even looking that up. I'm having intrusive thoughts of how I felt about them before thinking of them is not a big deal or even worse interesting. I certainly don't think that way now and I feel sick to my stomach. I don't want to get in trouble but I need help coming down. I don't know what to do.

I just don’t know how much more of this I can take. I’m so fed up of the way my OCD makes me feel, plagued with thoughts that I hate my son, I don’t love my partner, I want to die, my life is pointless. I’m trying so hard, I’m doin ERP, I’m trying to carry on my life as normal but I just feel SO depressed. I am convinced that I am stuck like this forever now, clearly nothing is working and I’m just ready to give up 😢

Its tough… dealing with hocd and pocd when you know you also have real events based on your kid and teen years… especially at night when your alone… but it is my birthday… ill try to make the most of it… but i feel extremely alone…

I also can't ever just have a day or time to myself. If I have any "downtime", my brain will constantly guilt me into thinking I am unproductive. I have recently taken on embroidery, so I can occupy my hands, but even doing that, my brain will not register as "productive" since I am just sitting and watching a show while doing the embroidery. It's as if my brain will mark anything that isn't a paying job or something that has some connection to a paying job or career, as a waste of time. I probably haven't felt peace doing nothing since high school and I am almost 29 now.

I don't seem to have a gut feeling and if I do, I cannot feel it bc of the overwhelming obsessive thoughts that scramble around in my brain. I can't make any decision without a war going on in my head. I've been so tired lately with all this, I just want to know peace. Does anyone who may have been suffering through this longer than I have any tips on how to have some sort of normalcy?

Ive had intrusive thoughts for 2 months now..And I just remember about serial killers and now I imagine myself doing those things to my family and I feel uncomfortable looking at them. And now im questioning if I like my thoughts or not and it’s just causing me more worry I’m even googling my symptoms but nothing is show up. I also get sexual intrusive thoughts about the serial killers and it’s horrible and scary someone please help me.

I have been doing fantastic and frankly I have to admit the thoughts have very little effect on me anymore, or at least I can manage to ignore them better But despite this and the anxiety being reduced, ocd is still one of the toughest thing ever. This thing is as resourceful as it can be It will use anything and everything to keep you in the loop, it’s manipulative, cunning and it’s your own brain playing against you Lately I have been dealing with SOOCD and TOCD and doing good despite them. I realized that a lot of the sensations you feel with ocd is just the result of you focusing on the thoughts and giving them importance If you get out of your own mind you’ll realize those are things you would never actually do