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I’m freaking out reading about people that actually came out gay after having so-ocd… it’s so scary I don’t want that to be me but I can’t shake the feeling that’s it’s going to be me

I recently had an urgent question about my OCD. I contacted nationally known expert on the topic, who proudly gives you his email. I asked him a question that no one has been able to answer about my OCD and I get the usual response, the compassionless "Sorry I cannot diagnose via email". Well I'm not asking for a diagnosis. Let's face it, you're in agony. And you try to find a therapist and 9/10 times the therapist sucks. That's after you spend forever trying to find one. I had a "therapist" who told me to watch the show Monk. I mean, really? I had another therapist who said he knew about OCD but then "fired" me because he said I "didn't want to heal." He just sat there and let me talk! Unless you're a therapist who actually has OCD I believe it's impossible for them to understand the living hell your'e going through. They're just punching a time clock. ANd they can go to their fancy New York restaurants and fire off smug, pat emails to those who went through hell just to even write the email. Therapists suck.

Everyone else has been telling me tol for my pocd and real events OCD when i was 13… But how…? What if you did something extremely horrible as a child that you didn’t know how horrible the events were that your POCD and real events OCD targets? Does it make the intrusive thoughts true? I'm getting anxious from my POCD and real event OCD based on real events (3 times) from when I was 13…… I don't ever want to ever be a P at all… I don't ever want to ever be a Chomo at all... i don’t ever want to ever be a rapist at all… I was 13 when these real events happened and now I'm 20... I've asked my mom about this so many times and every time she tells me that it's not serious anymore, that the person is okay, and that I'm not a rapist or a P or a chomo...  I didn’t realize how horrible the real events actually were… I was 13 at the time… now I’m 20… my POCD and real event OCD call me a P or a chomo because of the real events… while my mom reassures me all the time that it’s all over, that it’s not serious anymore, that the person is okay, and that I’m not a P or a rapist or a chomo, but when I was doing compulsive research, I remember when I saw a post on a non OCD forum about someone’s similar situation to mine and two people said to the person that they m*lested and that they needed  to turn themselves in… I don’t ever want to ever be a P or a chomo in any way shape or form… i didn’t know how horrible the real events were when I was 13… I really didn’t… and after the real events I never did anything like that ever again, and I never once ever thought (before, and after) about doing stuff with kids in any way shape or form... I never once fantasized about kids or wanted to do anything with kids… I was 13 and didn’t realize how horrible the actions were at the time and I never did it ever again… I never once fantasized about kids before or after the real event… I don't ever want to ever harm a child in any way shape or form... I seriously don't ever want to do that to any child in any way shape or form and I seriously don't ever want to do anything like that to any kid now or in the future… I never have had any fantasies about kids and I don't ever want to... I don't ever want to ever be a P or a chomo in any way shape or form... I was 13….. and after the real events I never did anything like that ever again, and I never once ever thought (before, and after) about doing stuff with kids in any way shape or form... I never once fantasized about kids or wanted to do anything with kids…  I was 13 and didn’t realize how horrible the actions were at the time and I never did it ever again… I never once fantasized about kids before or after the real event… And it’s comparing me to actual P’s and chomo’s who did stuff from 12-15… and making me think I’m a P and a Chomo because of it… I don’t ever want to ever be a P or a chomo in any way… 😭😭😭 and I get intrusive thoughts of people calling me a P and a chomo and me getting arrested… I don’t ever want to ever be a P or a chomo… the real events happened only 3 times and I really didn’t know how horrible it was… I don’t ever want to ever be a P or a chomo in any way… I don’t want to ever be attracted to or harm kids in any way… 😭😭😭

I’m grateful I found this community and could really use some help. I know I have OCD, but I’m not sure if this would be considered real event OCD. I feel guilty for telling myself it’s real event OCD, when maybe it’s just the natural consequences of my actions, and I’m trying to escape them by just telling myself it’s real event OCD. About a year ago, I did something that was actually awful. I felt extremely guilty and punished myself for a long time (still do). It threw me into so much despair and depression. I lost myself for a while, my life actually fell apart. I went to therapy, at a certain point my therapist told me I need to stop punishing myself and I just need to let it go. I don’t believe her though, I question if she just was sick of listening to me talk about the same thing. I feel like a moral failure. And well here I am still suffering daily from ruminating over this past event. I’ll wake up feeling sick to my stomach, cry almost everyday just thinking about what a bad person I am, replaying all the terrible details over and over again. I feel like I deserve this though. I’m constantly confessing to those I trust and seeking reassurance. They tell me my reaction at this point isn’t normal and I need to get help. I know what I did should make me feel guilty and shameful because it was. But it’s starting to ruin my life and I can’t keep living like this anymore.

So, does anyones groinal responses/ arousal or what ever you want to call it, can it be stronger than normal arousal? Like I exposed myself to sex scenes and arousal is stronger than regular arousal w my husband. 😭

I have been having difficulty with therapy. I get appointments but I refuse to go to them. I get nervous and terrified of what could happen, it used to be easier but now I find it difficult to join the sessions. I feel awful for letting down my therapist but I just cant figure this out.

https://www.treatmyocd.com/blog/magical-thinking-ocd-symptoms-overview-treatment-options

Im really off with this strong setback, i start to give up cause i have the same self defeating thoughts and feeling that i had before i knew i have ocd...its like i went beckwards. Also i feel like i have to learn what is ocd and what is not. I feel alot of guilt cause i label every negative feeling as ocd, and sometimes i do feel like it cant be all ocd and i feel guilt. I mean not all but those what gives me anxiety or panic or so much stress i label it as ocd. Sometimes i see it like the thought that comes up is a real problem but then i add a worry to it and then i start to panic and thats ocd, but then im afraid to remove the ocd cause the problem is there... idk its so many variations in my head, i start losing it...sometimes i can deal with real problems but with these ones which are important to me but gives me so much stress idk what to do cause if i start to work on them, lets say i accept that the thought is a real problem like "i might have childhood trauma, or my favourite one "i cant live anymore without that thing,life is just depressing" I take these as this is a problem for me and my mind goes full panic mode "omg youre depressed, you dont want to live,you want to die" so if i take it as a real problem this happens...same with doing something bad "omg im a bad person, if i do that i dont deserve that persons love, how could i do that thing,i couldnt forgive myself" and i say then okay but dont stop talking like this to yourself and my mind says "no cause this is what stops you from doing wrong things". Even now as im writing this im like "okay this second one is clearly ocd but the first one seems like not ocd more like a negative self hatred talk, omg i dont want to have that cause blah blah..." then i feel bad cause its like i just avoid my negative traits to feel better... See this is how confused i am with this... idk which part is ocd and which i have to work on. I still have to learn that. If someone wants to ask me if i am in therapy, i was but i left for the same issue, i was afraid of being a narcissist and suicidal and my therapist said i have traits of narcissism and i want to die but i wouldnt do it... and i accepted these and made me depressed until i realized its a lie...

I’ve very suddenly developed an intense fear of receiving a chronic illness diagnosis that has come from nowhere. I don’t understand it because for most of my life I’ve been completely at peace with the knowledge that life is fleeting and our health is not guaranteed. This fear has developed suddenly about a week ago and the fear feels consuming. Not only am I terrified of being put in that position, but I’m scared of what it would do to my loved ones, and especially of having to mourn the life I thought I could have. The reason I’m not sure if it’s health ocd is because I’ve lost loved ones to chronic diagnoses and have chronic mental illnesses myself. Before this sudden onset of fear, I’ve always been able to handle it. I’ve been angry and I’ve grieved, but I’ve been able to accept it. This feels different. This is an all-consuming fear that makes it hard to function. My concern is that these are some kind of repressed feelings about my life experiences showing up, not ocd. It’s been scary because before this week or so, I’ve always accepted that reality and used it to appreciate my daily life (I even want to be a doctor to help others do the same). Now, it’s like I don’t even have access to that part of my thinking and can’t remember feeling anyway other than I do right now.

Increase in same sex attraction. Loss of my attraction towards men. Why??

Hi, my name is Dedric Silva and I'm from Point Pleasant, WV. I'm 26 years old and I've had OCD for 10 years. It all started with Contamination OCD which I was a sophomore in High School, I washed my hands constantly to the point it dries out and burns easily. This time lasted for 3 years and eventually I overcame that theme. In 2018, I had my first intrusive thought and my theme was Sexual Orientation OCD as my fear at the time was What If I was Gay. It lasted for only a year and eventually I overcame it because I accepted that I wouldn't have a problem if I was gay, but I just don't like Men like that. For a little bit I had Harm OCD where I had fears what if I was to hurt or kill someone when I would never do that ever. It didn't last long and that theme was overcome. But since 2019, I have been battling the scariest theme yet and that is POCD. This OCD theme has been stuck with me as that is my huge fear, my fear is what if I became a Pedophile suddenly when I know in my heart I'm not. This fear has caused me intense anxiety and depressed me for a long time. Since February 2023, I have also been battling two more OCD Themes and that's Real Event OCD and False Memory OCD and they're both connected to POCD. My False Memory Obsessions right now are "What if I harmed a child or a teen in the past?" And my second False Memory Obsession is "What if I saw porn on them?" These two never happened but it still scares me, I literally had to keep replaying the past to check what really happen and I could not find evidence. Now I do have good photographic memory and I usually do remember everything, but these two False Memory obsessions I don't remember and that's where I get anxious and scared. My Real Event OCD is due to my Masturbation addiction, now I don't do Porn as I hate that junk, I don't fantasize in my head because I don't like it either even though I'm attracted to Women. I used to Masturbate simply to relieve stress, but over the years my OCD worsen because of it and I was the verge suicide as I got scared thinking "What if my fear came true?" I had a lot of meltdowns this year and it's been non stop to the point my grandma and mom had to calm me down. I kept saying along the lines of "I'm a horrible person" or "I'm scared my fear might have come true" and even saying "I can't do this anymore, I don't want to go to prison" I know there's others out here that has these three OCD themes right now and I'm looking forward to getting to know others that are going through the same thing. I'm actually going to see my local OCD Specialist this Friday and I'm looking forward to it because the last therapists I had didn't go well and didn't understand my struggles with OCD. I'm looking forward to finally being on this journey more open then ever and interact with those that are going through it.

I made a post yesterday about being unsure of what my thoughts are and have come to the conclusion that they are the result of the development of several new ocd subtypes, probably due to an abundance of life change and stressors. In particular, my thoughts fit with existential ocd, death ocd, health ocd, and mental health anxiety. I’ve struggled with so-ocd in the past and know how long it took for those thoughts to become manageable. It took so long and I feel like I just don’t have it in me to do it. It’s been a week of intense fear, panic, and intrusive thoughts and I already feel like I don’t know how much more I can take. I feel like all of my nerves are exposed and I’ve been shaking and nervous to the point of being sick 24/7. What I’m really struggling with is how to combat these thoughts, or even to believe there’s a reason to. With so-ocd I was able to get to a point that I could tell myself I am not my thoughts and knew I didn’t truly believe what my brain was telling me. I’m finding it a lot harder to do that, especially with the existential ocd. I’m not a religious person and don’t believe there is any greater “point” to life. Before the ocd thoughts this past week, I was perfectly at peace with this. Now, thoughts about what the meaning of life is eat at me all day. What’s been particularly scary about this is it’s really hard to combat those thoughts when I view them as true. My ocd will get me to a point of anxiety and a panic attack that makes me feel like I can’t do this anymore. I try to tell myself that I deserve fight through this and learn to manage this, but my ocd tells me I don’t. As soon as I try to tell myself that it will be worth it to get help or fight to overcome my thoughts, the intrusive thoughts tell me it’s not worth it because there’s no meaning to anything. I fought so hard to overcome my so-ocd and now I’m still unhappy so what’s even the point. Then the death/health ocd takes over and tells me that I could have a month to live so what’s even the point of spending all this time on “healing” and “growth” when it could all be for nothing. It’s really hard to combat these thoughts when they seem so true. I’m someone who genuinely does believe there is no greater meaning to life. It is what we make it and we could die at any second for no reason. I’ve always been at peace with this, but with these new intrusive thoughts, I don’t know how to combat them. When I don’t believe in any higher power or overarching purpose in life, how am I supposed to combat the existential and death related intrusive thoughts? It’s like the ocd is directly feeding off my preexisting beliefs, so it’s hard to view them as anything but true. Before this week I would have told you I was in therapy and on medication because I believed I deserved to have a healthy and fulfilling life. Now, when I try telling myself that, it means nothing. Has anyone else with existential ocd or death ocd faced this? It’s like the ocd itself is directly preventing me from getting help because it tells me there is no point, and I fully believe it/have no argument to prove otherwise. How did you overcome this? How did you get to a point of believing you deserved to seek help when your brain is constantly telling you there is no point because life has no meaning and you’re going to die anyway? It’s like my brain is telling me it’s perfectly possible that you will be miserable for the rest of your life and can die that way regardless of how much work you put in to not feel that way because life has no meaning and it sucks, so what’s the point of seeking help when it doesn’t really matter in the end. It’s like I truly have no idea why I want to beat ocd because I don’t believe there is any point, and my ocd takes advantage of this and says “exactly, so why do it? There’s no guarantee you aren’t going to feel this way forever anyway, so might as well save the effort and disappointment of going to therapy just to go through another in the future anyway.”

I find it so hard to accept I have OCD and question wether I do so much. This entire condition is so hard. I just need to get this out there again. Wether this sounds like ocd. Up until my first ‘theme’, I’d been a happy 25 year old male. I was shy, and always felt I wasn’t as ‘horny’ as my mates, but I Only ever had fantasies about women, had GFs, and simply never had any thought/emotion/attraction about a guy. So I get to 25. I met a girl after trying hard to find a gf to share life with. We date for a few months and I’m feeling as confident and as alive as I’ve ever been. I feel infatuated. We become intimate, and some things go wrong. Performance anxiety from both of us. But nothing that worried me too much. One night I went to bed like normal, woke up the next morning and had a thought: “I feel nothing for this girl.” Instant panic and anxiety. And instant loss of all joy in everything. It was like a bomb went off in my head and body. I just couldn’t accept that. It was like I had to know why. Why would my mind do this, despite wanting to have feelings and loving that I did have feelings? Enter weeks of obsessively asking friends, family, discussion forums, googling for anything I could find that would explain me losing feelings over night. NOTHING explained it. I had to break up with her. Even after the breakup, my head felt faulty. I had constant anxiety about why I had lost feelings overnight. What it meant. Cried a lot. My entire existence was about why I had lost feelings and why I didn’t have the ability to feel anything but anxiety and fear. In my obsessive figuring it out, another thought popped up. “You are gay”. And just like the first thought, this one took off. I thought I couldn’t be anymore anxious and afraid and then BAM, it was like turning it up a notch. Instant googling, looking for advice everywhere. I started to immediately take notice of men, everywhere. Started to have thoughts about kissing guys. Started to go back and forth (writing down) my entire romantic history and childhood. Compared my self and every aspect of who I was to gay people I knew. Even down to how I spoke. It was like (just the same as loss of feeling) that my brain had a thought and was like I believed it on enough of a level that it became real. Ended up seeing my first psych in my life. She said it was ocd. After a few weeks I couldn’t believe it was ocd, so I tried another psych. She said it was just anxiety, and tried logic CBT. I became addicted to that therapy as the days afterwards would always make me feel great. Over time, it was like I completely numbed everything. I wasn’t having the thoughts and anxiety as much, but still felt nothing. I had lost all my friendships and family from hiding myself away from the world. It was like I had no drive for life. I ended up dating a few girls, almost situationships. I barely felt attraction, and I don’t even know what, but something inside me said I wanted to be with a girl. Eventually I met someone who is now my wife. I feel guilty, but it was kind of the same as above. She ticked all the boxes I would have once found incredible. We got along like best friends and it just progressed naturally. I still had these thoughts in the back of my mind that “you don’t feel enough”. Most of the HOCD thoughts weren’t there. Then I had a workshop for work and sat next to a woman that for some reason, really attracted me. The thought popped into my head “here’s evidence you are attracted to someone other than your partner, you never felt attracted or loved your partner.” Enter over a year of the same obsessive figuring it out. Constant anxiety, constant fear of hurting my partner. At this point I was starting to believe it was ocd. And that my brain was broken. I booked a psych that specialised in ocd. She never said it was ocd, but I can see now she treated it like it was. I never got to proper ERP and I became numb again until it went away. Covid hit. And over time, I felt as good as I’d felt since my very first theme. I was having fantasies about women I knew, I was happy with my now wife and life was as good as I could have hoped for. I was content, still with some thoughts but no anxiety and seemingly space to find drive for life. I was on 100mg of Sertraline and decided it was stopping me from feeling completely normal. I came down 50mg. At about the same time I started to feel a little anxious, about nothing. But then the thought that I was gay popped up again. And it has again taken off. I am seeing an ocd psych and have been for around 4 months. I’m back on 100mg Sertraline. The psych tells me it’s ocd. She has clearly tried not to give me reassurance, but said I’m diagnosed with ocd, and that my symptoms are consistent with her other clients. That nothing I’ve told her suggests it’s not ocd. I’ve got myself to a point where I understand ocd incredibly well. I understand that it’s not these thoughts that make ocd sufferers different, it’s the reaction we have to them and the behaviours because of them. I understand that the theme and content of the thought is irrelevant and almost always, an untrue fear. I understand the need to treat the thoughts as noise and force yourself to be OK with the unknown about everything. My issue. - I’m so frightened I am gay and I’ll have to hurt my wife. - I’m so frightened that a part of my brain believes it. - I doubt it’s ocd all the time. And nothing is enough. - that my thoughts seem to want to prove that I am gay in anyway they can. I just want to go back to who I was before this happened. Any advice? Support?

So I'm currently going through shame because of my addiction and how much it's damaged my life. I've come to terms with how this is a problem for me and I'm trying to no longer engage with it anymore. 2 years ago, I was still deep in my addiction and at one point I escalated to a higher point in my addiction to which I deeply regretted. I started crying because of how awful it was truly getting, but OCD had latched onto this event and tried to turn this into POCD. I haven't thought about this event ever since until it came back recently. I just had a moment of clarity just now about it all and it felt great. But I know that the mental compulsions will come back later on. I find it really interesting that I'm able to just find a point where I can truly get over this and be like "I'm not what my OCD says I am, which is being a p and I know that this is another problem besides my OCD. As I'm writing this, I can't even recall how I had this moment of clarity which means I'm not thinking clearly and it's a problem. On one hand this tells me that it's truly OCD but on the other hand I'll just be having doubt and worry

Is it fair to say that there aren’t that many posts about recovery from OCD because those that recover see this discussion board as reassurance/compulsive? And recovery includes removing themselves from positing here? There just doesn’t seem to be a whole lot of posts re people’s recovery experiences. - how bad they were - how they came to accept their theme as irrelevant - how they battled “is this really ocd?” - tips/tricks that worked for them - common issues they had whilst going through treatment?

I feel like everyone is recovering so much quicker than me which is making me lose hope of ever beating this horrific disorder 😢 I just feel like my life is ruined and it’s going to keep destroying every good thing in my life

It sounds legit wrong now? Like why does bisexuality seem to not give me anxiety as it once did before? I’m so confused. I get no anxiety but false attraction. I’m super super confused

Hi. Recently I have been alone a lot which has caused me to overthink. My main theme right now is overthinking my intentions behind my actions. I think back to a time when I did something and if I did it with ill intentions or selfish intentions. I think about things I said at a time when I made a mistake and I wondered if I said it just to make myself look better. I’m not sure if that makes sense but I’m wondering if this is an OCD symptom or if I actually did have some ill intentions that I’m remembering. I don’t know what’s going on and my guilt is getting to me.

Hey guys does anyone mind sharing their experience with medication and how it affected them?

I’m sorry to be annoying but I feel like a horrible girlfriend and I really don’t want to break up with my boyfriend but I’m afraid it’s not fair to him