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I think I need a hug 💔

So I am struggling a lot with an issue and I don’t know if it is OCD related or not, but I am always concerned about how people see me in terms of age and I want to be seen so much younger than I am even though I get told that I do look a lot younger than my age and the age that people may say I look is how I want to be treated. Particularly at the residential facility I am going to. I just can’t seem to cope with the age I am. I think this has something to do with how I was raised by dad and unfortunately what my mom tried to teach me didn’t stick. I just feel like I have missed out on my childhood because I didn’t get diagnosed until 16 and that has made me feel awful because I can’t move forward because there is a lot I have missed out on. This also has to do with activities I could have stuck with in the past if I just didn’t let my social anxiety get in the way. I could have had a future maybe in a sport or something so I wouldn’t have to go to college since school was hard for me.When it comes to getting treatment I don’t even want to be in the age group they have for me because I really don’t relate to people my age. Has anyone else experienced this feeling?

I’ve been having daily panic attacks for 2 weeks now. To keep it simple: On March 27, 2023, I had sex and lost virginity at age 35 with a prostitute During the sex act, I knew that: 1. I had sex with the devil (she looked like it with her tongue action and weirdness about her and strange teeth and plastic surgery and the room was dimly lit red) 2. I had sex with my mom and my dad’s mom (she looked like them) 3. I thought about the innocence lost between myself and my family (how can I touch them again?) 4. I may have gotten this person pregnant (even if it’s .0001% possibility, it’s still a possibility!). And so now I’m thinking how to do I reconcile my actions? Do I call the police to open an investigation? Do I work with a priest? Do I go back to the massage parlor, get the Chinese lady’s number and ensure she isn’t pregnant? But then I think about how I will never find an answer to this madness. For example, if I ask her if she’s the devil, she won’t be truthful. If I asked her if she cursed me, she won’t be truthful. If I ask her if she’s pregnant, she won’t be truthful. If I ask her if she saved my sperm to generate further offspring, she won’t be truthful. And so I’m stuck in hell on earth. I feel like if I don’t get an answer, I’m going to hell. And the thought of having a lineage of offspring from a deadbeat dad and a prostitute will in turn set my lineage of offspring up for failure and consequently eternal damnation. But attempting to get an answer takes drastic measures that may lead to a dead end. And that to me is unbearable. No matter how unlikely or irrational people or myself say these thoughts are, they are still .0001% possible and I can’t move away from that. I’m not willing to risk that. On top of that, the night of the event on March 27th, I went home and looked at the news. I saw my niece and Goddaughter’s name in an event. This solidified the full circle of events that happened 3 years ago with the theme of hell that involved her that led me to being admitted to a mental institution. Now all these disturbing images and thoughts about her have crossed my mind. I know these thoughts aren’t me and never have been, but the connections make too much sense and the figurative voice in my head is telling me I’m cursed and I want to have these thoughts. The figurative voice in my head keeps telling me I wanted all this all along. How do I proceed in life if I ever get married and decide to procreate? I will always think about this event and all the disturbing details that surround them. I’m scared and honestly feel like this is inescapable. I’m hanging on doing my best. Praying. Church ministry. Community service. Spending time with others. Taking medication. Seeking therapy. Working. But after all that is done, I know these events will be here for the rest of my life and that despair for others is too much to carry. I played with the devil and let him win. Side note: I’ve silently struggled with depression, anxiety, OCD, PTSD, and ADHD since childhood. And so I understand that the “normal” person who hasn’t dealt with these mental conditions may think I’m either insane or attribute it to just OCD. But I’m here to say I don’t think that’s the case. And I honestly and sadly feel like this reality is the true reality that cannot be escaped. Yes, I’ve had undiagnosed OCD since childhood. But these hell themed events and circumstances have been built off low probabilities. In other words, every event and circumstance has been unique that provides further evidence of a curse. I do feel like I’m curse. I feel like a normal person who’s been dealt a bad hand and overwhelming devilish events keep occurring that solidify and changes reality. I remember saying blasphemous things randomly as a child and I remember doing a palm reading at my first job where everyone in front of me was fine but the palm reader looked at me in despair telling me there’s a tough road ahead of me.

I've been having a rough few months. My OCD, anxiety, & depression have been very overwhelming--to the point that I'm struggling to keep up with my professional responsibilities, specifically school & an internship. I feel incredibly ashamed that I'm struggling as much as I am because I'm doing my first clinical internship as a therapist. I feel so guilty that I'm a therapist whose mental health struggles are making it difficult for her to do her job of helping others. I'm having thoughts that I shouldn't be struggling this much, that it's bad I'm struggling this much, and that it means my supervisors are going to tell me that I can't do this internship anymore. I'm having thoughts that I'm not mentally healthy enough to be a therapist right now, which worsens the anxiety and depression I'm already feeling. I'm not looking for reassurance, but I'd appreciate any words of support. I know that I'm not the only one on here whose mental health impacts their occupational functioning.

I have this crush on this girl, 2 years older than me. She's beautiful and whenever I just see her smiling at my jokes I feel happy. But now it will be all come to an end. One hour ago I remembered that she had a little brother and thought to myself "it would be unforgivable if I had an intrusive disgusting thought about her brother" Since I had that thought I started having disgusting thoughts and images about it... they were vivid but I assure you they were disgusting and repulsive enough. I'm trying to stop the thoughts from happening and becoming worse and more repulsive than they already are, but they keep coming. To make matters worse, other triggering images from the past that haunted me are returning, trying associate to this event, like disturbing se&ual images of a specific private part that disturbs me a lot, very graphic... I don't know if I can even write it. Also when I opened instagram to occupy my mind, while i was scrolling the reels I came across a scene of a movie which had herotic women and I was turned on. And the fact that I was turned on, was an additional slice on my skin, because it feels like an association with the previous intrusive thoughts, that it was a consequence of those thoughts. Now I will have to avoid her... how can I look at her knowing that I made his brother an object of my pocd? She was someone pure, like a beacon of light for me, an innocent crush that lived outside ocd that could let me live the life of a normal teenager. Now even that is gone. I can't forgive myself for what I did. But maybe is better this way because she won't be near a monster. Also how delusional I am to even hope to have a "relationship" with her. She would be horrified of this post. This post is definitively a compulsion. And I hate how her and his brother are mentioned together with disgusting and degenerated things. I'm truly sick in the head. I don't deserve compassion or understanding.

Hi guys. Hope you're doing good. I have a question about therapy. For a long time i believed in therapy. I decided to take a leap of faith & start therapy. But i also live in a family that don't belive in therapy at all. So i had a really hard time going to therapy & i had to tolerate their nagging and judgements & it was hard getting money from them for therapy. In these years i had to switch about 4 therapists. It took time for me to realize they weren't the right therapist for me. Wether they didn't know how to treat ocd & made it worse. Or i felt unfairly being judged by them. Or i felt unheard. I was in so much agony, anger & pain. Now the image of therapist has become like a monster in my head. Everything i do, everything i say, everything i feel, the image of a therapist comes into my head that tells me certain things. Things like:" how do you know what you think is true?" "You don't want to be cured. You are like someone whom i offer something to take to be cured but refuse to do it." "You want to live in pain." "Who put that idea into your head?" "You are too sensitive. Other people had it worse" &.... God knows i want to be heard. I want to have a therapist whom i can trust & talk to. Someone who understands OCD & my condition. But I'm not sure if i can do this anymore. If i can go to a therapist and in result, all of my hopes be shattered again, plus my condition getting worse and i start hating myself even more for their blaming. I don't know what to do. Should i keep searching? Or am i in this alone. I'm so scared to put my trust in someone again. But i know i need help. And i don't know what to do.

I've been aggressively trying to tackle a current OCD trap I've been in with ERP the past several days. And with each day doing better! Although I'm not new to this so I know this is it's natural progression. Today I randomly had an intrusive storm and my brain was telling me "I must like these thoughts, I'm in denial, but I must like them and I must have always felt this way secretly without realizing". This was accompanied by a surge of strange feelings and sensations... easily I could go into compulsions over this brief few moments of odd sensations and anxiety. But instead of seeing this as a true "aha moment" or a moment that warrants any sort of checking or rumination, I'm looking at it as an opportunity to do some more ERP work. What does that mean? This means I'm not going to analyze this brief moment of thoughts and sensations/feelings. I'm not gonna try and recreate the feelings/thoughts to analyze, I'm not gonna file through my past, I'm not gonna ruminate on the moment, I'm not gonna ruminate the question of whether I felt this in childhood (a common urge for most themes I've had), I'm not gonna try and figure out if I liked them or if it was just an OCD created "simulation". No...I'm just gonna go about my day. Gonna feel the subsequent anxiety, shame, whatever may come. But that's it. Gonna focus on my tasks at hand. If you are experienced with OCD as I am, you know how this goes and how it works. Sharing this for someone who is new to this and is curious as to what real world ERP looks like as it's happening with an example from someone who has been diagnosed OCD for several years now. Stay strong! And live life regardless of OCD!

So i realized why i thought im in danger or im dangerous to others. I have harm ocd and at some point my ocd told me that the only way i can make this go away is if i act on it. And then i started thinking im in danger, i need to go to a hospital or something, and because i was thinking "is this thought true?" i thought that that means i actually thinking about it cause my mind was answering with "yes its true". Then i started feeling like i want to do it and i will do it so i started to go crazy and panic. That made it worse that i read in the past that someone with ocd actually acted on their obsessive thought cause he thought then it will go away. So this is were that feeling of i want to do those bad things come, i didnt do anything tho, but does anyone had the same experience? How to react to that when my ocd tells me the only way to make it go away if i act on it?

i don’t understand what’s going on. All of the sudden i started having intrusive thoughts and I thought the “devil” had me and i was about to check myself into a mental hospital but then one of my friends who also has ocd told me that she has these too and i felt less alone. Then for like a day or two I was fine and then I went to therapy and was triggered (? idek) and the intrusive thoughts came back and now i’m even worse than I was before and I don’t even know what’s going on. I can’t figure it out and I can’t stop reading and posting on this dang app BECAUSE IM CONFUSED AND SCARED IM JUST SCARED and idk if this is reassurance seeking or what but I have my first therapy appointment with someone on here on wednesday but i’m scared that I won’t make it… Idk what’s going on and idek if I DO have ocd bc i haven’t been diagnosed

Hello, I was diagnosed with diastolic heart failure and I am also dealing with anxiety/panic attacks from OCD. I’m always worried I’m going to die, and that I can’t tell the difference between a heart attack and a panic attack. No one seems to believe that I in fact have a debilitating illness and they just blame my OCD and that I’m overreacting. I hope that is the case, but I feel like it’s more than just that. I also feel like I want to make amends with everyone in my life right now, as you never know when you’d die. The problem is, that’s just a luxury I can’t afford. Let’s just say that my brother is more than pissed off (over something that happened over 4 months ago) still, and that if I do in fact die soon, I won’t be able to have any closure. It’s the most horrible feeling ever. But I already tried to apologize to him, but it was declined. I’m wondering if anyone has had a similar situation?

goodnight friends. if anyone relates out there please just let me know i’m not alone even for a moment. how can you just keep surviving? and going through the motions because you feel obligated to perform in society. i’m so incredibly freaking tired. i can’t take my meds because it makes me feel like i’m not strong enough on my own. i can barely function at work. i can’t even stop eating till i want to puke because it’s the only thing bringing me comfort that i can apply my senses to. i’m just shaking, can barely breathe and i can’t stop just feeling like i don’t even know. it feels like time is frozen in a way.. i’m so disconnected from reality, from people from my surroundings. my room looks like an abandoned hoarders house. i can’t bring myself to clean up. i’m so drained. what did i do to deserve feeling so insane? how is it possible that I have no idea where these feelings and delusions originated from but i have been feeling crazy since i was a toddler. I feel cursed. it sounds so stupid? there’s so many things that feel wrong that if i was a normal functioning human being it would be such a minuscule issue. why am i in so much distress and fatigue. I feel not exactly suicidal but just i can’t live in such an evil world it feels hopeless. Watching the news or seeing disgusting vile bigots on social media triggers the hell out of me. How am i supposed to live in a world where everyone let’s their hateful opinions get in the way of happiness. i’m so sensitive to negativity i feel it crushing my soul reading about all the hate outside of my room. i can’t stand it. i don’t feel at home i just want to go home.. and i don’t even know where that is. i can’t discern what’s going on at this point and i just wish i could have one last talk with people I care about and say goodbye and pass away in my sleep. I’m in so much pain emotionally and my habits and health are deteriorating my physical body inside and out. How can i calm down and just get through the day?

I spend a lot of my day just waiting for another panic attack to hit me. I live with anxiety about having more anxiety. Some days I do well and then I get tired from work or whatever and then it feels like my brain struggles to stay positive and have peace.

i don’t even think i really have ocd anymore i think i’ve genuinely just become a bad person, It’s really scary and I keep thinking back on how long i’ve struggled with my POCD symptoms and how because i’ve struggled for so long without getting real help i feel like i’ve actually come close to doing some vile stuff and it terrifies me. Like just now i when watching my brother i was taking something away from him that he wasn’t supposed to have, and he was sitting near my private area and i felt tempted to push his hand onto it and i feel like i almost gave in dkdkkdkd I’m so confused on if i’m supposed to voice my concerns to someone or not because i don’t want to hurt anyone but i feel like i might one day i feel like i can’t move on without confessing all of my worries to see if i’m actually a bad person and deserve punishment it haunts me so much i just feel like a zombie at this point

My brain is telling me that something is wrong and that my dad is going to die even though there is nothing wrong. My brain is finding everything that could be evidence that something is secretly wrong with him. I have been struggling with this thought loop for months. Please help. I don't know if I can handle this today 😭

I mainly struggle with real event and scrupulosity OCD. The things I've boiled it down to that I can't answer are these: - Not knowing what I deserve: this one comes from the infinite philosophies and methods of thinking people have, each different from one another. I know some people out there, even if not as much, will disaprove. Do I deserve to enjoy anything anymore? What pleasure do I still deserve out of life? What standards do I go by? The law? Atheists? Christians? Spiritualists? - Not knowing if I'm a "good person" - Is this guilt excessive or valid? - Is there any other amends I could make? - Did I know better? Was I disadvantaged and didn't really know better because of my age and/or mental illness/Asperger's? - Do I need to confess more? - What if someone brings up the event again later? What will happen? - What if my therapists so far were just extra nice? - What about that one person who said something really negative when you confessed that one time? My torment never ends. I don't want to die, because I have dreams, but I also don't want to live, because I have to deal with this every single day.

I’m 14 year old boy who has been struggling with this demon for the past couple of months. I all started on a regular night on thanksgiving break and I was scrolling through TikTok and I saw a dude and I thought to myself randomly “Wow he’s a good looking dude” and that’s when it all started. After thats, let’s just say the flood gates were opened. My mind was bombarded with thoughts, questions, doubts and I had not idea what this was or what it meant. It started with me asking myself if I was attracted to every guy that I saw in public and it only made thing even worse. It was all that I could think about 24/7 it is completely destroyed my life. Then false attraction started to rear its ugly head at me and that only made things 1000x worse. It got so bad that I was boarder line depressed and didn’t want do any of the things that I enjoyed to do before this all started. Days turned into weeks and weeks turned into months and I was only getting worse. I constantly was looking for reassurance online and with my parents (preferably my dad since he gave the answers that I wanted to hear) I would get thoughts like “you’re just forcing yourself to not like these thoughts” or “you’re just in denial” which were ruining my life. One day during my “daily searching time” I typed into google “what is the fear of being gay called” and HOCD was to first thing that popped up and I matched almost all the symptoms for the disorder. I researched some more and found that this really matched what I have been going through. Every since I found out about HOCD things have been a little better for me. However I still have the disturbing thoughts/doubts/images/etc that cause me a crazy amount of anxiety. I go days sometimes weeks with the only thing on my mind is the thought of that I might be gay. But at the same time theres Days where I feel like I’m 100% straight and totally happy and the thoughts don’t bother me as much. For instance I worried that “if another guy asked me to be his bf that I would say yes” even though I wanted nothing to do with that kind of stuff (note: I’m not at all homophobic and have nothing against gay people and never have) There’s more that I will spare you of but they have bullied me for so long in I’m getting tired of it. It feels like I’m “turning gay” even though I know that’s not possible it feels like that. Sorry if I’m rambling but I’m just so scared and worried about what if I’m gay and need advice to get over this. Even when I find a girl attraction in public or in a tv show/movie it never seems like enough and my mind keeps telling me “are you sure that you’re attracted to her” and “what if you’re just lying to yourself and you’re not actually attracted to her.” Idk what’s right anymore and I’ve tried CBT (Cognitive Behavioral treatment) but after awhile to anxiety just become too much. Im also doubting if I even have OCD which is also tearing me apart. If you have any advice at all I would appreciate it a lot. I just want to be the happy kid I was before.

Would anyone like to share a funny thing their ocd has made them think? There’s just a lot of sad stories on here and I though it might be nice to let in some silliness ✨🌼 Personally, my ocd made me believe that I should feel just as in love when I looked at my boyfriend’s shins, elbows, arms etc as when I looked at his face.

I just wanted to post this and kind of get this out and see if anyone has ever experienced something similar and rant. This will be long. Also: although I’m not officially diagnosed I have had these experiences in the past. Last time it was surrounding religious fears; losing control and harming myself, animals, husband and family when I didn’t want to. It took me a very long time to recover. This time it’s all surrounding my marriage. And it’s been so hard. I have not yet been diagnosed with OCD but I do have ADHD which is not currently being treated and CPTSD. I’m strongly suspicious of having OCD and I have an upcoming doctors appointment go discuss it. A few weeks ago I was cooking and watching a TV show called “Iyanla Fix My Life” basically this woman is a self proclaimed life coach and gives out life advice she has no business giving out. Anyways. She made a comment in an episode where she said that unhealthy people are completely incapable of choosing healthy partners and basically just use their partners for their own selfish gain and comfort. Coming from the background I did my brain latched to this. And it hit me like a train. “What if I did this” “what if I’ve never really loved my husband and I’ve just been using him” and created this whole story like in seconds where I lied to my husband without knowing it, and I’ve been using him our entire relationship just to make myself feel good. I was distraught. I couldn’t eat. I couldn’t sleep. I was pacing my house for hours on end when it felt like minutes. Googling endlessly, trying to sign us up for marriage counseling.. all sorts of things. A few weeks have gone by and I’m able to function again. I’m going to work. I’m eating and sleeping but it seems like every time I get rid of one story line my brain comes up with another. And it’s all surrounding my husband. I’ve never once doubted or questioned whether he was right for me. And it’s so hard. We’ve been together for almost 7 years now and are coming up on our 6 year wedding anniversary. My brain is trying to convince me I’m no longer supposed to be with him. In my core I know this isn’t true but it feels true. There are a lot of times right now where I look at my husband and he feels like a stranger. This one is sticky. When I try to relax I get this thought in my head or a voice speaking up and telling me I’ve outgrown him and it’s time to move on. That this is God telling me it’s time to move on. And by not listening I’m stuck suffering. And I think my rational brain realizes that may be just my thoughts devolving into another theme but it feels So real. I’m not sure how to get out of this one other than to just keep living my normal life until I feel normal again.

the rocd false memory what if i cheated and forgot is really horrible right now. i start prozac tonight :((( i just want some peace of mind just a little bit. i feel undeserving of this relationship bc of my ocd. i have a lot of moments where im convinced it’s not even ocd :( i don’t want to lose this relationship. if i cheated i would’ve remembered. and not even now, wayyyy back then, so why is this happening now? i never had this worry there first time around me and my bf had dated, it was only what if i end up cheating, do I love him, the usual rocd. but now it’s just horrible. every little thing i find, IS NEVER CHEATING, but it opens up new doors to new worries and what ifs. i just want to give up. im so tired. i love my bf but i feel like breaking up so he can go find someone better, not like me…

Hello there! I'm new here can y'all share success stories of harm OCD? It could be from podcast or blogs Thank you so much and I wish you a speedy recovery and inner peace.