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I’m tired of being me with this brain and body it’s so hard everyday

My real event ocd theme is back and I just had a random thought about it and now I’m triggered all over again, repeating what went wrong and how stupid I was as a dumb teenager to not realize it when I should have.

Hi, I need advice. I'm a 21 year old college student, turning 22 in November. If I go back to school this year, I will only be a sophomore by credits, with no progress toward my degree. For 5 years I've suffered from off-the-charts-severe OCD, with 30+ obsessions, and hundreds, if not thousands, of compulsions. I have not been able to function whatsoever for 5 years, despite being a 4.0 student before my condition worsened. I'm beginning to truly understand and accept that all of my problems are a result of this disorder, including my severe depression, and my social anxiety. I have trialed 30+ medications, brain stimulation, years of therapy (NOT ERP), partial hospitalization (NOT ERP), and inpatient hospitalization (NOT ERP). None have been effective. I could return to school with this new understanding & acceptance, working vigorously on an outpatient basis; OR, could enroll in residential inpatient treatment specifically for OCD, with lots of ERP—for the first time. I would prefer to return to school; I am impassioned by learning, and independence from my family, and would love so dearly to begin my adult life and earn my degree in physics. However, I am concerned, despite my newfound acceptance & understanding, that my return will be the same story as the entirety of my college career thus far: an incapacity to engage in school due to obnoxiously profound OCD. In other words, if I were to go back now, I'd be vigorously working on ERP, on an outpatient basis, but I'd essentially be starting at school with no guarantee that my efforts toward vanquishing OCD will be effective. My alternative option is to enroll in residential inpatient treatment and fully conquer my OCD, once and, hopefully, for all. Afterward, I would begin my adult life with more propensity to succeed and heightened vigor. However, I would need to accept a tainted college transcript (very difficult and saddening to me, having a history being a 4.0 student, and with some degree of perfectionism OCD); I would need to accept that I am not able to retake the classes I failed, because it would be irrational to wait one more year (next fall) to take those classes, when they're offered, instead of jumping straight into my college career after residential treatment. This is furthermore difficult because I plan to go to graduate school. I don't trust admission counselors' goodness-at-heart to overlook my profound challenges for the first 3 years of my college degree; I've had my heart set on Ivy universities my whole life, and I'm 100% certain if they would overlook my challenges, I'd succeed tremendously. Thank you for your advice.

Just a positive post for those who may need it tonight. I have been feeling very, very good about my current status dealing with OCD. It’s really crazy to finally feel like I’ve gotten ahead of my intrusive thoughts. I recently have found strength in accepting the uncertainty, which at first sounded like total bullshit. But now, I actually feel pretty good. I guess for me (really for anybody) dealing with uncertainty did not mean I had to accept my intrusive thoughts as a reality but I had to take away its potency by continuing to believe in what I always knew to be true and devaluing those stupid intrusive thoughts by stripping the feeling of anxiety away from them. Unfortunately I know that sounds like all advice to help defeat OCD but I really feel like that’s the only way to write it. I would constantly find new ways to make myself anxious , and feed my ocd. Which for about a year was just awful because I was in the initial stage of fear. I had no fight in me, everything in my world at the time seemed to have just flipped upside down. Work, family friends, everything felt so awkward and wrong which really gave me no time or courage to work on the ocd that was bothering me. In turn, I sat with those feelings ..constantly thinking about my fears, JUST LIKE EVERYBODY ELSE. And in time after unwillingly analyzing those fears, I realized that ocd had its flaws and they were kind of easy to notice. I realized that there was really no other substance to my triggers other than the emotion of fear. 0 other emotion. true emotion. It’s easy to think yourself into believing that you’re feeling a certain way but in all reality the whole entire time you’re only feeling anxious. When you feel “happy” about a trigger or “excited”about a trigger you’re immediately anxiety ridden..why? Because those feelings aren’t real! They are exactly what you don’t want to feel, so you’re creating that emotion to test your ocd and see if it’s what you would “like” or how you feel deep down. It’s fucking crazy lol. I like to compliment myself and others and say anyone who is suffering with ocd has one thing to blame and that’s an intelligent brain. I mean being capable of thinking one million different variations of negative ideas and one million different variations of solutions to those negative ideas is kind of impressive, it’s like our brains are capable of working too hard. So really if that statement is true, with a little determination to learn your mind and callous it towards the ideas that may trigger you..anybody is capable of beating this bullshit mental illness. It starts with wanting to work, and then once you get that fire lit it is time to work. Do those ERP’s, do them with your therapist, do them on your own, don’t let that fucking feeling of anxiety touch you instead tell it you don’t give a fuck and you will continue to have those thoughts and act the way you want anyways. You are capable of living any life as long as you defy those anxiety ridden thoughts. And just like anything else failure is ok, there is a win in every failure especially if you remind yourself that. Continue to listen to what you want to believe , and pay attention but don’t react to the thoughts you hate. Your recovery starts when you want it to.

So tommorow I’m going to a psychiatrist and telling them what’s been going on & telling them some of my instrusive thoughts. Honestly idk how to feel about taking it. Bc I still want to engage in social activities like drinking and smoking every once in a while. Also my girlfriend’s birthday is coming up and I don’t wanna be a loser and not engage in any activities🙄.Also, me being a black guy asking for medication… we often get criticized for taking it. Any advice on medication and which one works best for you guys ?

I have ROCD. It fully came out of its shell in 2018, but I had a moment in 2015 that I believe was a pre cursor to it. I was on acid with my girlfriend at the time and we were having a good time. Then suddenly, I got the thought, what if she doesn't love me? I felt so horrible the next day and was now questioning whether I lived her. I al.ist broke up with her. A year and a half later we had a kid and the feeling came back when he was born. Again it faded, but came back with a vengeance in 208 and has been with me every day ever since. She ended up leaving g a year after this started and I got into a different, much more healthy and stable relationship, but as soon as we started to get more serious, the feelings came right back like they never left. I am saying this because I was watching a special by Bill Burr where he talked about taking mushrooms and at first having a good time, then suddenly being hot with a wave of loneliness and feeling unloved. His wife walked in while he was feeling this way and he started to question whether he loved her or not. He thought to himself, I've gotta pull my self out of this feeling, so he tried thinking of his kids but still felt the same. He thought, well I know I love my kids so that's bull shit. So where is this feeling coming g from? It suddenly dawned on him that ray was how he had felt his entire childhood. I am now wondering since what happened to him is so similar to what happened to me, could this while rocd thing for me come from somewhere deeper? Repressed feelings from the past? I'm not here for reassurance so please dont offer any. But I would like your honest thoughts and feelings towards it and maybe a story of your own if you are Interested. Thanks for reading.

I feel 100% trapped in my mind, DP thoughts of if I’m even real or not and I can’t stop them. I don’t know how, I try to explain it but I physically cannot, I just freeze. I feel so crazy, I don’t want to do this anymore :( Havin questions like how is my body just working automatically? How do I just know what to say without thinking much about it? It’s hard socializing, I’m scared of everything I just want it to stop. My body feels autopiloted while my brain is stuck in a loop of worrying and wondering what is wrong.

I keep seeing people say that they thought they had intrusive thoughts about their sexuality and ended up being with the same sex and it’s really triggering me. I don’t want to end up with another woman. I only want to be with men. I’m scared that my thoughts aren’t intrusive thoughts. Please help

TW!!! hey. my name is luna and i have been diagnosed with so many stupid things like depression, bipolar, anxiety, OCD, ADHD, PTSD, and shit like that. i’m not even sure i have any of those things if i’m being completely honest. it’s been pretty hard these last couple of years because I’ve been in so many treatments and a residential. I’m not sure if anyone else has been through this but it’s been kind of confusing too. i’ve made a lot of stupid choices also. I currently have an obsession with cutting myself. I just can’t stop. I used to also have an obsession with giving myself stick and pokes. And the list goes on. But sometimes I have horrible intrusive thoughts. They actually have been more than less. I have them almost every day all day. sometimes they’re about my sexual orientation and how I’m so confused. Or maybe about wanting to kill myself or jumping off a bridge. But sometimes they’re about homicide and being a murder. I’ve been so interested in Jeffrey Dahmer lately. I know it’s really fucked up to have these kinds of thoughts but I just can’t help it. I really need some advice if anyone is willing to give me some. I’m not really sure how this app works because I just got it but if you guys have any tips that would be a big help. I know I said this before but my name is Luna and i go by they them pronouns!<3

Hi, I am new here, I have been reading the forum posts & replying to them when I can but this time I thought I would be brave and have a go myself so... I had my first tattoo last December I was excited & nervous. I thought I would treat myself as I had a horrible time in lockdown when I realised I had OCD and was officially diagnosed. I started to re-admire tattoos & became very interested in them. I did my research on vegan studios, I also watched many YouTube videos etc. When I found a local studio I had to go inside by myself, wear a mask due to covid precautions etc. It wasn't until I was sat in the chair waiting for my stencil to dry, that I realised the artist smokes and went out for a cigarette. I did my best to stay calm and not panic, but thoughts started bombarding me. I did not even think about their lifestyle choices😮‍💨.The artist did wash their hands, wore a mask, put gloves on (hygiene standard) but that still didn't comfort me (did they wash their hands with soap, long enough? Will particles of tobacco go through the gloves and their mask into my skin? Will I get ill and its all my fault?). I could smell the smoke through my mask. Then we had a break and the artist went out again to smoke; this time round the artist didn't wash their hands, instead they quickly used hand sanitiser and quickly put their gloves on. I was having a fight inside of me, my heart was beating fast etc and I just couldn't voice my opinion. The thing is I kept reassuring myself it was going to be ok, I don't think it would have been bad if they kept washing their hands after smoking its probably the fact that they did it once and that was enough 😥. I have recently been going back to this and wishing I said something but its too late and everytime I see my tattoos it just reminds me. I have been Googling to justify my thoughts for some scientific answer but its not helping. Questions like how effective is hand gel on cigarette hands, handwashing vs hand gel, if gloves really do protect and are they porous. I felt really contaminated and just wanted to leave but it was to late. 6 months later I had another tattoo by another artist in the studio, I had booked this appointment a long time ago and also regretted it as the artist also smokes. I thought she would probably have better hygiene standards but no, she used gel too and this time no mask. So I felt very sick , the smell was too overpowering, I felt (thought) like as she was talking, the tobacco and germs from her mouth would enter my bloodstream. I should have just cancelled the whole thing, and lost my deposit. The tattoo is really bad and it wasn't worth it as I'm now having laser on it 😵‍💫. I had horrible experiences but the 1st one wasn't as bad as this one. I wish I used my voice. I am never going back there! I really appreciate you for reading this and thank you 🙏🏼💚.

I have an obsession that I secretly have undiagnosed autism and that everyone can tell there is something off or weird about me. If you have Tiktok, you probably know that people on it like to talk about mental health a lot. Because of that, whenever I see a video on signs of autism, for example, I always force myself to watch it, to make sure I don’t have the things named. Obviously, watching them makes the algorithm recommend them to me more. This is incredibly frustrating and distressing. It makes my social anxiety a hundred times worse because I’m worried that I act autistic around people. I’ve never felt like I was different or “alien” before this, but this obsession and these videos make me feel like I SHOULD be feeling this way and that I’m not noticing something obvious. I’m trying so fucking hard to tell the difference between what is a real a symptom and what is not. If you’re autistic, I’m really sorry if this offended you. I just needed to get this off my chest. Can anyone with mental health obsessions also relate?

I dealt with soocd about 3 years ago for a few months, then it went away and didn’t come back until right before I left for college. Which after looking into it, it makes sense for it to come back when a big change in life happens. With that being said me and my boyfriend have been together for almost 2 years. And right before I left for college, I developed rocd with my hocd. It’s taken over me completely and made my life miserable. Before we officially left for college I would check to see if it still “felt right” when we kissed, or would see if I was forcing myself to kiss him. And after battling with rocd for this long it has me fully convinced I need to break up, but I don’t want to. I love this guy. Before all of this we had a plan for long distance, and we had dates scheduled to see eachother, and I would bet money I’d marry this guy. I’d never fallen in love with someone like this. This rocd is killing me now though. Thoughts flood my kind constantly. I cant catch a break. I feel sick all the time. And I spend my days trying to sleep it off, or googling rocd stuff all day long. I don’t want to lose this battle. I love my boyfriend. My subtopics have changed during rocd, and some triggers don’t bother me as much as they used to. But I feel extreme guilt and feel like I need to tell my partner everything. Which I have and I’m so grateful he still loves me and supports me. But I’m just a mess. I never get my mind back, and I cry all the time. When will this end? Will j ever be happy with him again? I feel so hopeless. And I just love my boyfriend. I feel like certain times throughout the day it comes and goes and gets worse or better. Can someone please help me. I do not want to lose my relationship, I just want my old life back.

Hi everyone, I hope you’re all doing well. I wanted to make a post because last night and today are borderline unbearable. I got triggered by something last night and had the worst physical urges and intrusive thoughts in a long while. I’m also scared because I usually can revert back to my original feelings before my ocd after a while, but today I can’t and it’s scaring me. I’m worried this means I’m accepting what ocd is telling me and it’s scaring the life out of me. The pit of my stomach has been heavy all day long and I’m on the verge of tears. I’m not sure if you can private message on here, but I would really appreciate some chatting or support from people who have had similar experiences because I feel so alone and helpless. I feel like I’m doomed and I’ll never get out. I never wanted this but my ocd tells me I do because I’ve had this theme for so long but I feel like my values are fading and I’m so scared. I’m not sure what to do and I have nobody else to talk about it. If anyone can talk about it or similar experiences, please do. Thank you

im giving up in socd it feel so real

I’m freaking out guys. My thoughts are statements… like they’re “I am” now and I’m freaking out!’ Please help me someone please!

I should probably give a bit of a back story 1st: I am a 41 y/o Momma of 4 absolutely beautiful kiddos ages 22(g), 18(b), 7(b), and 6(g) sadly that's going through a separation/divorce from their dad, and after 24 years together & 23 years married (2 separations of 2½years each in there which ended 10 years ago) I am having the worst time dealing with this. I need to find a way to make these days of watching me live out my entire life inmy head. I'm going over all the good and bad moments, mistakes & regrets replaying everything, even the life without him for years before we met & then during separations previously. So I've made a lot of bad choices and surprisingly have lived a very full life in such a short amount of time. I want all of the thoughts to stop and I need help. I have done meditation and all I can think of but now I'm in such a bad state of mind and my depression is so bad, my overthinking is so so so bad and i can't make it stop.

Hi everyone, thanks for reading. My main theme I struggle with is ROCD, but there’s a lot of real event ocd that fuels it. Pretty much, I’ve been obsessing for almost a year now over an event that happened almost 10 years ago, in which where my partner didn’t treat me very good. I’ve never cared about this before, kinda just let it go as unfortunate, but didn’t care in the grand scheme of things. But last year my OCD latched onto and now it won’t let it go. I feel so much anger and resentment towards my partner for this, and it feels like such a big deal and that I will never get over it. Because it was an event that hurt me, it seems so much harder to let go of, since there is so much feeling involved. I feel anger towards him doing it, and as well as depression that something he did is now making me seek therapy, even if it’s OCD therapy. I’ve done ERP, and yet the obsession and feelings stay. I am just so scared that I will never be able to get over this, and I will feel anger and depression towards him forever. I hate feeling this way, but it just feels like such a big deal and I can’t seem to get over it. Has anybody had an obsession that latched into something negative your partner did to you? Any tips? Thanks

CW: fears of bigotry - I would feel absolutely horrible if I made anyone feel uncomfortable. I have no intention of minimizing the genuine trauma and injustice of oppressive systems. I beg of you not to read this if you might be insulted, and I apologize in advance for any potential harm my honesty might cause. I really hope it doesn’t. Also CW for anxiety about worthlessness/stupidity and lying/exaggerating diagnosis. Hey everyone. I want to start by saying that, if you’re only logging on for a few minutes, you don’t need to prioritize my post. I know many folks on here are in crisis and don’t have much of a support system, and I believe they need and deserve responses before I do. (I have a therapist and supportive family.) But I’ve been afraid to post on here for a few months now, and I’m finally doing it, though I don’t really know why, because it feels futile + wrong. I’m so terrified that I’m a worthless person in every way. I feel like I’m a disgusting bigot. I have horrible racist thoughts and I know I’m not sufficiently disturbed by them. I was diagnosed with OCD, but I feel like I’m just using this as an excuse when I am, in truth, an unforgivable monster. I’ve had therapists tell me that, if I was truly who I think and fear I am, I wouldn’t be so disturbed by my thoughts, but I just don’t believe that’s true, even if I wish it were. I know that these beliefs are evil because of the environment I grew up in, but wanting to be anti-oppressive doesn’t necessarily mean one is; anybody can hold bigoted beliefs, even if they don’t like them, and I feel I must pay attention to them and suffer as a result. I’m currently on leave from college and I know I’m going to have to go back because that’s what my parents want, but I truly feel I am a horrible person and I don’t deserve success or happiness. I feel I should suffer in perpetuity and be isolated from society; otherwise, I may forget how diabolical I truly am. I feel terrified that I’m exaggerating my suffering; that I’m not depressed or anxious enough and that I’m too easily getting through the day, which a good person with these thoughts or a truly mentally ill person never could, but that I’m not even afraid enough of being a liar. I need to be a good person and do the right thing, but I’m being forced into treatment, which I know is a privilege; however, I fear it will desensitize me from my horribleness, thereby making me even worse. I’ve tried so hard to believe I’m not this awful person, because I desperately don’t want to be, but I can’t delude myself when the evidence is overwhelming. I know that if these were just intrusive thoughts, I wouldn’t have the right ones sometimes and the wrong ones in other situations; I wouldn’t be able to so easily move past them, and there wouldn’t be exceptions to my horrible beliefs. I also know that I am a worthless person in other ways. I am so stupid, incompetent, and irresponsible. I don’t even know how to navigate getting around my city despite being 20, I lack common sense and basic knowledge - I am a horrible human being and I feel like I lied to myself for my whole life.

It’s getting so bad I have thought about suicide. This is the worst most torturous disease to have when your mind eats away at itself and makes you feel like a monster I know I probably need to see an OCD therapist but I’m also really worried about disclosing my pocd in case I’m misunderstood. I’d rather die than hurt a child Has anyone recovered from this theme without therapy?

I believe have developed it. I’ve been thinking for hours at a time whether or not we are real. Whether I am real and no one else is. That I’m alone. This has given me episodes where I feel like I’m losing my insanity. It hasn’t been as bad as my ROCD but yesterday at my girlfriends house, I was playing with her cat and the cat wasn’t scratching me as she usually does. I started freaking out because she seemed not attracted to my girlfriend. So I started being rough with the cat so that she would bite me / scratch me. Finally she did and I went outside to talk with my girlfriend. It was a compulsion I assume but this seems like a very difficult subtype to deal with. I’m also scared it might develop into religious ocd besides the fact that I don’t really believe in a god. Get back with what advice you have, it is music appreciated:)