Welcome to
the NOCD Community

Would love to hear some of your recovery stories or progress reports since starting therapy.

Hi… I struggle severely with ROCD. I’ve been married for 7.5 years and my husband and I have an amazing relationship. It’s one that I am extremely lucky to have because he is such a wonderful and good man. The only thing we really have ever had fights about, is my ROCD. Im afraid he will lose interest in me, or see/meet someone that he will desire more than me and he will leave me for them. I do KNOW he is not that type of man to be disloyal or step out on our family. I KNOW he loves me, but because cheating is still a possibility for any human being, no matter how perfect they may seem, I’m terrified as if it is inevitable and will happen one of these days. He has never given me a reason to think he will do this. My current issue I’m running into is sex/nudity in the media. I was raised believing R rated movies are absolutely not okay and are sinful if you watch them. He was raised believing R rated movies were fine to watch. Because of the type of OCD I have, R rated movies don’t bother me other than if it has nudity in it. I see it as being pornographic and inappropriate for people in a committed relationship to view. He says he doesn’t watch because of the nudity, but just because it is a good movie and he believes I’m being controlling and over-reactive about my desire for us to not watch anything with nudity in it. He doesn’t watch anything with nudity out of respect for me but will occasionally bring up movies/shows he wants to watch but “can’t” because it has nudity in it and it would cause me to have a panic attack. I feel like his desire to see these movies must matter more to him than my fears/feelings. Then again, nudity is EVERYWHERE nowadays and I feel there is no escaping it. So I do think it is something I need to get past and stop letting it control my life. Am I in the wrong here for having these feelings? I believe I take it to the extreme and something needs to be done about that, but I do think seeing these things is inappropriate. I fear he will compare me to other women even if they are on tv. He tells me that will never happen. I don’t know what to do to get past this horrific anxious feeling if he comes across nudity in some way. Anyone else experience this? Sorry for the novel.

I have only recently come to terms with OCD and decided to do something about it. I have found that I no longer have any desire to be around anyone who isn’t part of the OCD community. I don’t want to talk to anyone else. I want only to be around people I can share things with and not face judgment or the “Oh my god, that’s insane” response I know I will get from anyone on the outside. I don’t know if this is just a normal part of early recovery but I really feel like disappearing from the rest of the world and only engaging with this new community I have become part of (albeit against more than 30 years of resistance). Has anyone who is farther along in recovery experiences this and come out of it? Is anyone else also in the early stages and feeling this way? I can’t decide whether or not it’s healthy but I can’t help but think I shouldn’t be isolating from friends and family to spend all of my waking hours focused on this. Maybe it’s just part of the agreement we have with OCD that anything new becomes an obsession… Anyway, I just wanted to share and see if anyone else has experienced this.

I'm currently visiting my third therapist in the last three years and none of them have helped me so far. None of them have given me any type of diagnosis so I'm not even sure if I actually have OCD, and it's driving me mad. The last session I had, I even felt like it made things worse rather that it helped. I wanna feel that trust to my therapist that you should feel to be able to share your emotions but I don't. I feel like its not going anywhere, like it's useless. Lately I've been thinking about finding a therapist here at NOCD, I've even looked up some specific people and they all seem really nice and sweet.

I'm starting to believe I have had SOOCD since childhood. I remember having thoughts since as early as 7 that felt bad and wrong and made me sad and worried. Thoughts of being bisexual or lesbian still make me so unhappy and uncomfortable, but they also feel so deeply ingrained in me that I have a hard time knowing what my sexuality is. I felt forced to accept the fact that I was bisexual when I was an adult, even though it made me sad, but is that even true? Is dealing with this since childhood really just denial? Am I just gay? Or is ALL of it a lie and I'm straight? Maybe I'm asexual, and am not attracted to anyone? I can't sort it out in my head, my heart is breaking- my wonderful fiance has been so careful and kind as I process what is going on. Now the idea of having sex or attraction to ANYONE of any gender makes me panic and cry. He is so patient, but he doesn't deserve this, he deserves better than my panic attacks and doubt. Has anyone else had a theme since childhood? How have you sorted what IS real from what is NOT real, now that you know you have OCD?

I got really drunk for the first time in a long time and I’ve been mentally out of it all day. I want to cry and my mind won’t stop racing. Nothing is helping and I feel really alone right now :(

Hi guys I’m new to NOCD and tbh I don’t know if I have it, but some people I talked to told me I have it. I am currently in the U.S. Army I just got back from deployment from Kuwait. I got home and everything seemed great; I was overly excited to see my wife, and be around her again. After a month of being home I one day woke up and started having these intrusive thoughts about not wanting to be with her, and it freaked me out. I brushed the thought off and ignored it for that day. Next day the thoughts returned and I was so frightened by the thoughts and told my wife. She freaked out and thought I was going to leave her and she thought I didn’t love her anymore. I was so scared of the thoughts I couldn’t eat, sleep, or enjoy life. I was even puking and chain smoking like crazy. I started getting on google and searching signs of falling out of love, best ways to save a marriage, and the list goes on and on. I was also talking to a lot of friends and family trying to get some kind of advice and it seemed like that didn’t work. I get 100 good things but the moment someone told me sometime bad I dwelled on that one bad thing. I finally went to my units chaplain and told him what was going on and was scared and frightened by the thoughts and he was the one who told me that it seems like strong signs of OCD and that I should get tested. When he told me OCD I was like how can it be OCD I don’t clean or put things in order. He told me that OCD manafest itself in a lot more different forms then just cleaning and he told me did you know that there are some People out there that have thoughts about being gay even though they know they are strait. After our conversation I went home and started researching OCD and it’s mean forms. I’m currently going to a mental health expert next week to get tested. Any advice would be much appreciated.

I don’t even feel like me anymore. I don’t know who I am or what my purpose is. I’m questioning why I’m even bothering doing my PhD when I’ve lost all passion for my discipline, why anyone even likes me, how do my family and boyfriend see me? I feel so strange and disconnected from everything and just sad all the time. I’ve spent the majority of the weekend crying because I truly believe I need to set my boyfriend free because he deserves someone who doesn’t question whether she loved him every waking moment of her life. I’m not even sure if I’m in the ROCD cycle anymore because I don’t often feel anxious from it now. It’s more like I’m constantly ruminating on a past theme because I still don’t know the answers. I know I love my boyfriend when I’m either really happy or really sad. I can’t see a way out of this. There isn’t a light at the end of the tunnel. I didn’t feel this depressed the last time I went through ROCD with a different guy, I was sad ending the relationship but it felt like a huge relief. This time around I’m just so broken at even the thought of breaking up. But I don’t know how to live like this anymore

I just wanted to let my thoughts and feelings out a bit because I haven't been able to take my mind off of this all day. Basically, I have been dealing with ROCD for the past year or so, and I am in my first relationship with my boyfriend (it's his first relationship as well). We're also both 19 and have been together for going on two years now. Dealing with ROCD has obviously been extremely challenging and even debilitating at times, but I'm finally getting the help that I need. I've also been struggling with healing from childhood trauma and things like that, and aside from my own problems, my boyfriend has been going through a lot as well. I think both of our mental health issues affect the relationship, but we overall have a really healthy relationship and we both put in the effort to be there for each other and try to understand each other too. Lately, my OCD has been getting worse and I find myself getting extremely anxious, most likely due to the fact that my exposure work is getting more intense and also my boyfriend and I have been having a little bit more conflict lately, but I think it's just normal relationship struggles. I choose not to talk about my relationship with people who don't understand ROCD, because I find that I end up feeling frustrated and misunderstood. Today, I was talking to my sister about a conflict that we were having, and she just ended up saying that if it's meant to be it's meant to be and that maybe we're just not right for each other and that we might break up. This triggered me heavily, because that is obviously the LAST thing someone with ROCD wants to hear. At this point, my anxiety was through the roof and it caused me to feel angry, so I snapped at her. This isn't the first time that she's said this to me and it feels like she says this every time I want to talk about my relationship, which is why I don't even like talking to her about it in the first place. I know that she means well and that she probably thinks that this might be what's best for me because she sees that the relationship stresses me out and she just wants me to be okay, but she doesn't understand that breaking up is not something I want, plan to do, or something that will even help my OCD. Even so, I told her that I want her to stop saying that to me because she's not going to change my mind and that I know that I want to stay in this relationship, and so does my boyfriend. She responded by saying "Okay that's fine, well you'll see. I'm only saying this because I have more experience than you do, so you'll see what I mean with time." Which meant to me that she feels like my relationship won't last and that I'm too young and inexperienced to know what I'm talking about. This is something that I keep thinking about and it makes me both anxious and angry, because it just fuels the fear that I'm going to lose my partner and also makes me feel a bit disrespected because I feel like she just isn't taking my relationship seriously or trying to understand what I'm going through because she's projecting her own personal experiences onto me. I'm just tired of my family telling me that my relationship won't last because I'm young and it's my first relationship. I understand that not many first relationships last, but I genuinely feel like with everything that my boyfriend and I have been through together already and how committed we are especially despite the trouble that ROCD has put in our way, we have a really good chance and we don't plan on giving up on each other.

I feel like I’m not good enough . I just started my new job and received news while ago that I may be moved on to be a shift team leader if I keep progressing according to my bosses . I been receiving positive comments/feedback from my coworkers and such. It made me feel great - however, I personally feel as tho I still need to improve on certain tasks mostly regarding with speed and when I’m in kitchen . But as far as accuracy, I think I’m good and others agree as well. I felt like I was doing more good in the beginning rather than now 🤷‍♂️I get so overwhelmed with not just my usual ocd anxiety episodes, but also the anxiety I’m getting from work when busy - all of that builds up especially when I’m compulsively giving into my ocd episodes during work . Aside from all that as well, I just have other things on plate - so stressed about social anxiety/low self esteem , my unability to drive , just constantly renting on how I’m not good in general and many things were delayed due to my severity with ocd itself . College, driving , - my first priority should logically be to start therapy for ocd - specifically erp that way it j can manage it to an extent where I’m mentally capable of working and accomplishing my goals 🥺but then this goes back to the driving issue - how can I go to ocd therapy if I don’t currently drive ? I realize therapy can be done online , however I don’t have prioritized time at home for me to just sit with a therapist without having some distraction in my house . I’m also just more comfortable taking with therapist directly in person . Once I drive, this could help with many things - I can drive to work, college, therapy sessions , gym - I’ll be much more satisfied 😔💔I wanna do all these things but number one issue here is ocd .

I’m trying not to self harm again, I’ve been obsessing over cheating for 7 months . I will look back at everything I’ve done that I can remember and obsess. And will ask my bf if it’s cheating. Like asking if virtual games were cheating and trolling people . I’ve spent a lot of time online since I haven’t left the house in a year. Someone help

I often ruminate about people having the worst intentions towards myself and my loved ones/friends. I notice little things that others do or don't do and it takes very little for me to perceive something as a slight. It causes me to impulsively snap at people, fight my ruminations, or just completely isolate myself from everyone because I hate facing these moments that remind me of why I'm so unlikable and don't have any friends. Maybe OCD related, maybe just another personality flaw. Anyway, I'm feeling like a guilty asshole for snapping at someone earlier who in retrospect didn't deserve it. I apologized and cleared the air but in my mind it's like I can't let it go and feel like I need to continue punishing myself. I'm ruining my own Saturday evening which I should be enjoying with my husband.

Hey guys so I have HOCD and real event OCD and false memory OCD and this guy i know is interested in dating me and I want to date him too, but I'm really scared. I don't know if I can date someone ever again honestly 😕 I just feel too guilty and like I have to tell them everything ya know? Especially with real event. What do I do? I just feel like I'll never be able to date someone

the guilt reappeared. that feeling of anxiety, I haven't felt that for a while. For now all i had were intense triggering episodes, or states of hopelessness and anaesthesia. But "this" is different; it's the same sensation I felt for weeks after September 7th. It returned. The hole in the stomach. It hurts.

hey guys i’ve tried to stay away from this app mostly because i don’t struggle with a lot of the themes i had before but a few months back i had smoked weed and ever since then have been suffering with intense derealization and depersonalization as a result of a panic attack. luckily i’ve come to the realization that the panic attack did indeed traumatize me when it was hard to believe at first. so i started prozac because the whole experience happened out of very inconvenient time when I had started my first job and it was very hard to manage so my symptoms were terrible and they started getting a little better the last month or two but I still feel depersonalized it’s like I can’t stop obsessing about it and I’m wondering since I do have OCD and have been diagnosed with OCD is that why I am obsessing over it so much? Anyone here that’s had a similar experience and found it hard to get over the realization? I definitely have really good days and then I definitely have really bad days I just feel kind of stuck and I know with any intrusive thought we aren’t supposed to pay much mind to it but it definitely is very hard right now because I just don’t know if I’ll ever get out of this and get back to normal even 6 months after the initial panic attack :/

One of my most recurrent fears is being so close to the life I want (marriage to the best man and starting a family) and then having to leave due to some sexual awakening of realizing I’m bi and would prefer to be in a long term relationship with a woman. This is my most upsetting ocd fear so it constantly attacks. Even in my dreams. Has anyone successfully overcome this fear? What exposures help?

i decided that i probably need to be more active on here, since i come back and disappear every couple of months haha :) i’ve been recovered of HOCD and currently show no symptoms. ask away!

I'm willing to share with you my story if anyone can help you would litteraly save my life. So I'm a 23 year old boy. My OCD started 3 years ago. I was in a relationship with a girl and one night i could'nt "get hard". That's where everything begon. I started asking myself why this happened to me. And the idea of being gay popped into my mind. Since that day 3 years ago it never leaves me. I had periods where it would be easier and i would think about it way less. But still i can't get rid of it. I'm in a relationship with my current girlfriend and the thoughts don't allow me to enjoy my relationship as much as I want to. I have to add that since I can remember i've always been attracted to girls. I had 2 relationships for more than a year and everything was great in every aspect of thé relation (libido,feelings,etc). I have never liked a Man at least that's what I though but my "OCD" (if that's what is happening to me) makes me doubt about it and rethink every frienship i ever had. I've been diagnosted with HOCD but again i always doubt this diagnosis. At the begginning the anxiety was so high that I had panic attacks, I couldn't focus on my exams anymore. ( I'm in my last year of Med School how ironic) Let me explain to you what the thoughts are : - First and the most annoying for me is during sex I have many images that popped up in my mind. And I try to chase them and focus on the act that I'm having but it makes it less enjoyable and stressfull. As a result my libido has never been so low. (Which reinforce the tought of being gay : "If my libido is that low is because i'm gay") - Second is everytime that i see an objectivly attractive man, i start to panic and check my reactions or juste avoid the contact. And the fact that i can acknowledge that so man are good looking that freaks me out and juste reinforce the fear. - In my realionship I can't be the way i want to be because the thoughts makes me doubt my feelings for my girlfriend. - When I go bed, it's like a ritual : I ask myself :"Am I Gay" and for 10 to 15min i just analyse every aspect of my life in the past or in the present to find clues of my sexual orientation. And the thing IS that i have millions of example that's says that I'm straight but i would focus on the small ones that i don't even know if they are true because i can't really remember. - An other thing that freaks me out and make me think I don't have HOCD is that this is my first OCD and when i see other testimony they all have had multiple ones. - I had many compulsions i would spend days on the internet looking for stories of gay poeple or HOCD poeple. I once or twice watched a gay porn but the anxiety was to much to handel - I avoid all the things that can trigger my OCD. And the thing that I triggers it the most is "ELITE" the show on Netflix, it makes me so anxious. I want to add that i really don't want to be with a man, but again my OCD makes me doubt it. I have had multiple crush on girls before and after the diagnosis but still i can't get rid of the thoughts. I just want to feel like i felt before. Don't spend half of my day on rumination. I wouldn't care if i was Bisexual or something but I just want to be happy and stop the overthinking and the constant doubt. I don't know if anyone can help me please I beg you 3 years like this is enough i can't take it anymore Thank you for your lecture and in advance for your advices

Okay so my issue is that i overthink everything decision i make for my bf. at first the whole do i love him and am i attracted to him started to happen but i worked on that and focused on reality and i worked my way outta thinking like that because if i really didn’t want to be with this person or wasn’t attracted id leave. and since working on that ive gotten 100x more attracted to this person fue to fight iff what my brain wanted to believe and focused on the tryth and real details. now the issue im trying to be is with intrusive thoughts with othrr boys. i try to not look at guys. i dont speak with guys at all unless i am spoken too and each time. i tell my boyfriend each detail that happened and how it happened, and basically what started happening was i started having sexual intrusive thoughts about each guy my eyes landed on so i started to leave the relationship back in the beginning until i told myself that i truly knew that i loved that person and id never ever do anything to hurt that person. i decided to try and deal with these issues because before i didn’t even know i had rocd i just thought my head wanted to put me in scenarios to make sure i loved my partner. somethings i do now is sit by the people that i know my head would have intrusive thoughts about and i calm down and dont let focus on the anxiety my brain wants to see. they still happen but not as much and they dont have as much control over me because i reassure myself of whats really going. i am with him i am not cheating i know i would never cheat and sometimes when i start to get an intrusive thought i let it hit me and i go back and fix it , i realize why it’s happening and re-imagine the intrusive thought with the reality and not what my brain wants me to believe. am i doing right in doing so?

Did anyone develop OCD while pregnant? I realized I most likely had undiagnosed OCD first pregnancy and postpartum. Had constant intrusive thoughts— very irrational and I believed them. Once my little guy was born it got worse. The thoughts then became centered around his safety but were very extreme. Controlled my day. They got better and now are back with second pregnancy. Now I find myself constantly having awful thoughts (unrelated to baby) and thinking they’re real because they upset me so much. They are a lot of “ what if I did this and don’t remember” etc. I then will believe that if I thought it must’ve happened or could. Just wanted to see if anyone else developed OCD while pregnant for the first time? I feel super alone and confused.