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I’m trying to be in a good mood but it’s so hard when in the back of my mind, I’m reminded constantly of the mistakes I’ve made. I just want to be free. I hate myself so much

any moms on here?? I'm a first time mom and had a baby two months ago. my ocd is back with a vengeance. I'm struggling and just looking for people I can talk to who understand what I'm going through. I don't want to worry anybody so I've been keeping things to myself but it's hard.

Anyone else with harm ocd also have the fear that they are a psychopath/sociopath along with it? This causes me to constantly go over my past behaviors to look for signs and worry about the future as well. I’m just really struggling with this lately and finding it hard to move past this lapse as I was doing really well. Hopefully starting back on Prozac today but I know it can take 4-6 weeks to start working

I know I don't love him and I have never loved him. Everything telling me that. I'm terrified. I want to fade away. Do you have any motivation for pushing? Should I be pushing?

TW: POCD, masturbation, talk about kinks Hello! I’ve decided to re-download this app today after nearly two years. I wanted to come here and dump some of mu thoughts because I know how helpful it is to share them with a community of people who feel the same. I had my first problematic intrusive thought 3 years ago (I say problematic because it was paralyzing and shook my whole world, i probably already had ocd before that but I didn’t know that was what it was called). A lot of things have changed for me since those days, thankfully I got used to the thoughts enough to not be affected by them as I once was. However, the part that we’re all familiar with comes into part after that: “What if it wasn’t ocd?” “What if I’m faking all of it?” “What if I somehow managed to fool everyone into thinking I’m a good person when in reality i’m capable of all these things my brain comes up with?”. I started going to therapy a year in a half ago, I think it was mostly due to the pandemic and things that weren’t exactly related to my ocd. I also think that if I tried going to therapy specifically because of my ocd I would’ve never gone in the first place, because of how scary it is to face it. This is one of the reasons I wanted to talk about this here today. I really don’t know how to bring up ocd with my therapist. I absolutely love my therapist, I believe I got really lucky when I found her and I think we built a good therapeutic bond that helps me trust her, but it’s still so hard to bring my intrusive thoughts up. I mentioned it once in passing and told her that I wasn’t ready to talk about it yet, but I feel like I won’t ever heal if I don’t. It feels like for years i’ve been swiping dirt under the rug and now it’s finally getting to me. This is the part that includes the TW. My intrusive thoughts originally related to POCD, I’ve gotten much better at them and I can be around kids and play with them like any other person would, but some times I wonder why the anxiety stopped, why did my brain chose THAT to obsess over. I can’t help to psychoanalyse myself and look for a root cause for those thoughts to understand. The scariest part is that sometimes if I’m horny I usually go to erotic literature for release, and the “kinks” (if you can call it that) that get me off are the ones where there’s a power imbalance or one of the parties is submissive to the other (always consenting adults, the mere thought of something else makes me want to throw up). I can’t help but think that there’s something wrong with me when I think of this, I really feel like a sick person and I end up crying immediately after because I enjoyed it and I shouldn’t have. Now, I don’t think the type of erotica or porn that one chooses to consume defines us as human beings, but it definitely is something that I think about because it must have something to with our subconsciousness. This is where my OCD comes up in these thoughts, because sometimes when I realize that I don’t feel the anxiety anymore and I don’t stop to think about the thoughts, I immediately think it’s because I got used to them and I no longer think there’s something wrong with those actions and I wouldn’t care if I became that person (i say actions as opposed to thoughts, because I genuinely believe there’s nothing wrong with the thoughts themselves). This is the hard part about healing from the anxiety of the thoughts, you’re always checking to see if you still think they’re wrong or if you’re a horrible person now. I want to bring all of this up with my therapist but I’m so scared to face the possible realities. I’m scared that she won’t know what pure O is, I’m scared that she won’t understand what I’m talking about and would want to stop seeing me, I’m scared that If I bring up my thoughts it’ll change her view of me and all the thing I’ve told her. I’m so scared about bringing up the masturbation part because it truly freaks me out to think about things that I find arousing and what they might say about me. I’ m so so scared of her saying that I don’t have OCD and that my thoughts are very much real. I know most of these fears are irrational, but I can’t help but being scared to open up about them because a lot of things would change and I’ll be facing this monster I’ve been trying to hide from for years. I know I live with my pure o everyday when all I do is think and overthink every thought, word and decision that I have, say or make. But I’m so scared of the possibility of having made all of it up. Part of my brain right now is thinking “you managed to fool all these people in this forum, all of them feel for you now, all of them will think you’re a good person having bad thoughts but you know you’re not” . If you made it to the bottom of this post: thank you, this was very therapeutic for me whether or not someone reads it but I truly appreciate the time you took to read this. Thank you for the space, I would appreciate if anyone has any tips on how to bring up intrusive thoughts in therapy. Have a nice day!!! ❤️

Does anyone especially with harm ocd feel like they are their thoughts and want to do these things? Like no matter how hard I try and even during my therapy session I get the constant, “what if this isn’t OCD?”, “you like these thoughts”, “your a bad person”, “your going to act on these thoughts.” It gotten to the point where it feels like I’m actually this person and that I have changed into an evil person and it’s so scary cause it’s gotten to the point where it feels like I’m never going to get my life back and that’s saddening. I’ve never had a violent history never hurt anyone or anything but I don’t know why it feels like I am.

Please be kind because it's really hard to type this. First I'd like to say that I am not a violent person. I have no history of abuse, animal abuse, or any criminal history. The idea of people or animals suffering deeply upsets me, I've always been that way. I have had a history of ocd with themes of religion, harm and pedophilia for years. I would have my times when it got really hard but it always passed. I've taken medication for years too. At first it was Prozac, then I switched to zoloft and just started wellbutrin with the highest dose of zoloft. My newest fear/obsession is by far the worst though! I am a stay at home mother to a 7 month old and am currently living alone because my boyfriend is working out of state. I love my duaghter with all my heart and up until about 3 weeks ago I was really happy and loved spending our time together and doing our daily routines. Then all of a sudden I got this fear that I might snap and strangle my duaghter. Not hit her in the head, Not break her bones, strangle her! And it keeps playing over and over in my head. Never have I had such anxiety before. It gets so bad that it feels like I'm actually going to do it like "urges" I read about with other people and that's the worst part. I can't stand to be alone with her now. I've had people staying with me everyday and night, which I know is an avoidance behavior and it only makes it worse but at the time it's the only thing that brings slight relief. I even got to where I felt like I had to test myself, like put my hand on her (not hurting her at all) and see how I felt and I had to get away from her, broke out in a sweat and panic. This became a compulsion which I did stop. I started a new medication and felt a little better one day last week and I made myself be alone in the same room with her, not home alone with her just in a room with me and her. Sometimes I felt fine like "this is stupid, why am I freaking out?" The next minute, anxiety attack! I'm so up and down and the only time I feel slightly normal is after I put her to bed at night. I've never seen a therapist, I'm so afraid to, but its not getting any better and I can't go on living this way. I want my life back. I wanna be the best mom I can. I don't wanna be watching the clock every evening counting the minutes until I can get away from my baby. That's so fucked up. I hate this disorder and it's roobing me of my family, happiness and sanity! Has anyone else had this? How would ERP for this problem work? Am I lost cause? I feel like I am.

Hi all- I’m new to NODC but I have suffered from OCD as long as I can remember (I’m a straight guy in my 30’s from the Uk) I wanted to write a post to share my story briefly I’ve suffered from every subtype out there and suffered undiagnosed for most of my life The ocd was severely impairing my life and I was avoiding many of life’s big changes such as getting married, having kids, moving house, going on holidays etc etc I saw a couple of different therapists over the years and they helped to a certain degree but I never got treated for ocd directly so some of their tools and techniques actually increased my ocd symptoms. 18 months ago I found a specialist therapist in ocd. Today, I find myself living a completely different life and the happiest I have been. I finally have the tools I need to ensure that I respond to my thoughts appropriately now. I also no longer feel at the mercy of the dark anxious cloud coming over me as I realise now that my previous unhelpful responses (mental, emotional and behavioural compulsions) are what cause me to go down the scary dark rabbit hole. Another very useful tool was to sit with any anxiety I may experience from an intrusive thought- If no response is engaged with, the anxiety dissipates and goes away every time- if the anxiety persists, it means you are responding in some way- (Some responses may be very very discreet and you may really need to pay attention to yourself and be mindful of what ways you are responding) I still actively engage in exposure tasks and I have ticked off some of the triggers right at the top of my hierarchies - this seemed impossible to me at the beginning! When I feel particularly stressed or upset, I know that will be a time when ocd pops up and has a little attempt at getting me to ply its game again so what I do now Is I actually go out of my way to trigger myself with exposure tasks to really show ocd who’s boss. (It’s taken a bit to get to this point but bloody hell it feels empowering my to do it!!) I hope this post gives anyone still in the midst of ocd’s torment a bit of encouragement to carry on through the dark times because if I can come from where I was to where I am, then I’m sure you can. Disclaimer- I am just a normal guy sharing my experiences of ocd - I’m not a therapist or healthcare professional.

Any Relarionship OCD stories/experiences anyone wants to share?

I can’t stand this anymore. I feel like I’m at my breaking point. I feel so sick from all these thoughts & I constantly feel that I’ve done something terrible wrong in the past and I’m going to get in trouble. I don’t know what to do. I can’t stand the thought of not knowing. This is killing me😭

What do you all do when you have a handful of tricky weeks? I’ve been feeling pretty good, but the last few weeks I have noticed my SOOCD and Pure OCD sneaking in and have ruminated a whole lot more. Just some background: -happily married to my husband with kids. -All types of OCD in my past, but SOOCD has been the theme now for awhile. -definitely having trouble considering the fluidity of the idea of sexuality in general. Also triggered by later in life coming out stories. -my SOOCD has been manageable but lately it’s just been in the background—like a mosquito—just there enough to notice and I’m definitely attaching meaning to the thoughts. Which turns into a cycle of rumination. Argh! - Returning to my ERP exercises. Is this what most people do? Feeling a bit stuck. Not looking for any reassurance just support—sometimes knowing I’m not the only one is a bit of the push I need. It’s just nice to know we all have each other’s backs! 😊❤️

Can obsessing about the samething over and over again make you believe and feel like it’s true? Especially if you obsessed about it for over a year…. Like I obsessed and tested myself about loving my partner… now I get strange sensations and started to believe I don’t love my partner… but I have moments where I know I love him. Clarity moments.

Any words of hope? My sexual orientation OCD has not let up for like a month straight. Every second of every day I am ruminating and thinking to myself I'm such a fraud, my boyfriend deserves better, I'm ruining everything :/ Makes me wanna cry but I have no tears just feel numb at this point. I honestly can't remember not feeling like this and I'm afraid it's gonna last forever.

It’s really hard for me to let things go. Once I have a thought/obsession, the only thing that seems to help me drop it is saying it out loud to my therapist/talking it out with her/hearing that she doesn’t think the thought is true or out of the ordinary (yes, I realize this is me seeking validation/reassurance). After that, I am able to move on and realize days later how silly/inaccurate the thought was. How does one get past this and manage the thoughts independently? I want to be able to give myself that same validation/reassurance that my therapist can provide internally/independently. The problem I run into is that the thought always seems like such a huge deal, that it would be wrong to ignore it.

I really need someone’s input. And I feel really bad because I feel like I abuse that in another post and the other persons not respond rightfully so. Anyway has anyone ever imagine a scenario and gotten themselves really pissed off or upset or some combination of the two and then that triggers the OCD? I’m scared because I was washing these things at my job I work as a dishwasher. I think they’re for grills where are Japanese barbecue place so you can cook your own food if you want to I’m not sure where exactly is apparatuses go but I have to clean them. And I thought I’m scared I felt a shift inside me and said I do I don’t miss hanging boobs I don’t like them! And I can’t stop thinking about them and say love but I don’t love them I don’t I’m scary simply I don’t simply do I I don’t know I don’t not simply anything I don’t not do but I’m scared it felt like a gearshift but I still don’t feel right and I’m scared I don’t feels even worse like saying the word but I don’t I’m fine I can’t stop thinking about it like I do and I can’t even imagine a guy like doing a push-up without thinking I don’t want hanging I don’t want boobs I’m scared I don’t wanna condition myself too! And I can’t help it like it’s are there but I don’t miss them and find out you make faces like pecs are the really big ones are and then I protested saying not boobs are gross pecs are not at least the patrols that are not really big or not gross I kept saying those aren’t gross but they kind of are to be honest. But what kind of straight person says that kind of thing miss . I don’t miss hanging boobs I don’t even like them! What was that shift

MAJOR, MAJOR, MAKOR POCD TRIGGER WARNING (TALKS ABOUT HEAVY STUFF) PLEASE 18+ I’m tired. I feel horrible. I haven’t been able to watch porn lately without being scared of the person in the video being exploited, kidnapped, or r*ped. I don’t go on shady websites, just pornhub, but it’s horrible. I find myself being really scared ever since I heard a while back about how cp and other stuff was being uploaded on porn hub and that they were doing a lot of investigations and taking down videos. I’m terrified that I at some point in my life saw something like that and didn’t know it was illegal, I’m horrified by wondering. It doesn’t help that a couple of months ago, I was reading confession posts on Reddit, I used to read them to maybe feel better about my own real events, and they sometimes did help. But I read one that was horrifying. It was about a man who was confessing to constantly watching CP and using the dark web to see it, I only read the beginning part and the comments replying to him, but it was horrible. One thing he wrote on there horrified me and has stuck in my mind ever since. He said “even when I’m watching the hardcore stuff I feel…” I shook when I read that, because I’ve never thought about a “hardcore” part of awful crap like that. As if anything beyond CP itself isn’t already the bottom of society, but to imagine it as different categories like in regular porn terrified me. Now I’m being flooded with intrusive images and it’s had me break out in panic attacks and feel incredibly nauseous. I stopped reading confessions on Reddit after that, that was by far the worst confession I’ve ever read. It was disgusting and horrifying. I called my friend afterwards and told how scared I was and he told that I shouldn’t feel guilty for the decisions someone else made who I didn’t even know, and that I need to be able to separate what I read about other people from myself. I’ve never seen CP but these intrusive images are so vivid and terrible, I feel like crawling out of my own skin. I also saw a video on tiktok by this hacker group who take down accounts that bully, harass or put illegal content. And while what they’re doing is great, they posted a video of an account that has been posting cp and we’re telling people to go and report to get it taken down, but they didn’t blur the profile picture of the account and while it didn’t show anything, the profile picture was of a little girl and she seemed scared and wearing makeup, I was horrified and I just scrolled away and logged off of tiktok. I can’t imagine the pain and suffering they face and seeing that little girls face triggered me beyond what you can imagine. I feel dead inside, I ended up blocking those social activist groups and accounts because while what they’re doing is great and are trying to get rid of all that and spread awareness, it just triggers me too much. I’m not asking for reassurance, but this stuff has horrified me so much, and my OCD is trying to convince me of truly horrible and despicable stuff, but idk anymore, I just feel like dying.

Having a very scary night I was praying and asked for Jesus's holy spirit and the OCD tried to switch out his name for the devil. I know it's OCD and I have been telling God that I ment i want Jesus's holy spirit and God does know my heart so I just have to trust that God is taking care of me. I feel sick however when I was begging God to stay with me I was given a verse. Trust in the Lord God with all your heart lean not on your own understanding in all your ways acknowledge him and he will make your path straight. Proverbs 3: 5-6 Your feelings are fickle and the devil will try to minipulate them. Do not let him. You are doing so well keep standing in the armour and the light of God let him pave your way. There is no battle he cannot win. I find being in the presence of God calms me. Worship music helps me so much if you search Jesus. (With the full stop) Into Spotify it should come up. Some specific songs that help me are. Broken prayers - piano version By Riley Clemmons Fighting for me By Riley Clemmons Defender By Francesca Battisteli Back to life By Bethel music Scars By I AM THEY. I would love it if you could put your prayer requests Inn the comments ment we can help each other XX.

Tips for dealing with morality/decisions? I recently found something out about a friend from another friend. It distresses me, but I don’t know where to go from here. My OCD is making it hard to make a choice because it’s saying “this should be an easy, black and white choice. You are bad for not instantly getting rid of this person”. I need help figuring out how *I* feel, not how the OCD feels. Does anyone have advice? I feel like utter trash, I won’t lie.

Hello everyone, im struggling with something and i need your opinion. So for years i said to myself that i have suicidal ocd because i have random thoughts and images about that and i dont want to do it, but i always felt that what if its real suicidal thoughts and i just say that its ocd to avoid the pain. So today i did the "search" in me and i found out that sometimes when life is bad i really think that i want to die, and a feeling follows that too. And realizing that i started to feel soo much shame and i felt depressed bc of maybe im i danger and that how dare im thinking about that. And then i felt worse bc i thought about how my family will react to that, what feelings i would give to them. And then i read about suicidal ocd and i found out that all this shame and feelings its ocd, so i was like what the hell?! So the question is can i have both, i mean suicidal thoughts and suicidal ocd? By suicidal though i mean(i dont want to live, life is mean). Its just that but im even affraid that it will be worse thoughts...😅😅 and i dont know how to accept if i have these thoughts bc i feel shameful having these...(maybe im broking the rules but i want this bc where i live theres no one who specialize with ocd and i need this aswer to know the truth if i have ocd or not)

It just feels like I’ll never be able to get the girl of my dreams... everything’s reminding me how single I am, not to mention the HOCD intrusive thoughts... 😞😞😞