Welcome to
the NOCD Community

I don’t understand every waking moment is something gay thoughts I wake in morning to go to restroom anything that might look like a penis or dildo I have thoughts of you want to put that in your ass, or I’m driving on the road and see people use a right hand turn blinker and think it means there calling me gay I work as a driver driver for Amazon and any time they talk about a package I auto think of gay things or I deliver to someone a dude and my brain won’t shut up I want to get therapy but I have no insurance isn’t it through the roof? This has gone beyond repair I worry sometimes fuck man this hurts bad

TW* First my sexuality now my gender??? What the fuck does my brain want from me? I thought I was a completely normal straight man before all this began but feels like I actually wasnt. These things feel way to real to be ocd, I can somewhat accept and live with the fact that I might be gay( I wanted to kms before If i ever felt like im turning gay but since my brain bombarded me with thoughts/feelings everyday it changed and now Im accepting it) is this going to happen with the gender thing too? Wtf Some gay girl here told me that its very common for gay people to realize they are not the gender they were born as once the realize their sexuality. What the fuck is this confusion? This is messed up. I feel like I already am my thoughts and just in denial,FML

I absolutely hate the person I was in the past. The sick things I used to fantasize and did. I’ve luckily never hurt anyone or acted on the even grosser things, but I hate who I was. I want to believe that I’ve changed and that’s why I feel so sick about all of this, but a part of me is terrified of myself, I just wish to absolve myself from society as a whole.

Major TW*** I had another realization that Im just in denial last night and it felt way too real to have been ocd and it felt like I was wanting to act on my thoughts, i mean it was nearly turning me on and arousing me but I contained myself. This time its definitely over, i cant believe its actually happened. The thoughts have become way to normalized in my head. But why do I feel so ßuicidal everyday and depressed? Is this a common thing when gay people realize theyre gay? Or are these 2 things separate, i think they are linked. I overslept again and have anxiety in the chest and its going to the same day as yesterday all over again, genuinely wish I d ïed somehow. How would an ocd therapist help me with this if my fears have already come true? I think I should give up on therapy completely.

Last night around 3:30 I had to call for an ambulance because my friend texted me that she had taken pills to kill herself. I was high out of my mind and didn't really know what to do. I am scared that all of the distress that comes from EMTs knocking at your door at 4am and waking your whole family because of a suicide attempt will outweigh any help she gets after. She didn't want me to get her help, she didn't want to cause a scene and I feel awful for forcing her to endure that. Her mom texted to thank me this morning so I do feel better. I still worry it won't be better.

Reposting bc I added info. I can’t get over the guilt of having hurt someone over 3 times. I don’t know what is going on with me and why this is happening since 2 days ago. I usually struggle with false memory ocd but this has been new. 1. I knew she had her first day of class and she told me she has an adjustment disorder but I still asked her if she had homework. My mind thought it could make her wanna die if I reminded her of hw. But I still finished the sentence. I dont know when exactly my mind told me she could die bc of me but it’s saying it already knew when I decided to say it. 2. She was saying something to my mom in the car ride home and my mind said she will be hurt if I put my shoulder on my seat hard while shes talking because it will make her feel like I hate her or something. I moved my shoulder inwards so she doesn’t get offended at first and so she can’t see my shoulder. She was sitting in the back seat and I was sitting in the front seat. But for some reason, after that i put my shoulder down on my seat back pretty hard. My mind associated it with her being offended and it adding up and making her want to die. But yet I think I ignored it and still did it. Idk if it was me trying to show my mind who is boss or if I really tried to kill her. But my mind is saying it’s the negative one. 3. Today she seemed more talkative and lively than yesterday and I was trying to help at first when I started saying “maybe you are starting to adjust” but in the middle of it my brain gave me some sort of signal. It was a negative signal that I now feel familiar with. Saying it’s gonna offend her bc I am bringing up her adjustment disorder in the car infront of my parents and son. It was only a signal then but it obviously meant what it always means. Which is she’s gonna die if you say this. Yet I still finished the sentence it was almost like a tick, but felt like i was knew I was ignoring the signal that was telling me it will kill her? But It came out anyway? And my mind is saying I did it on purpose. And it would be ok if it were once but I’m afraid that all these together will add up and make her want to die. If not now, then later. Then I started to think well there are bullies who bully someone everyday. But then my brain is saying that bullying someone around the same time everyday at school is different from the times that I unintentionally bullied her in after school hours. Well it was unintentional at the first half of it and then when i decided to ignore my brain that told me it will hurt her and i still finished my sentence/ did the action of putting my shoulder down hard. I feel so guilty and i never did this until yesterday. I dont know whats going on with me. Why am i being this way all of a sudden? The guilt is eating me i dont even wanna talk to anyone incase i hurt/make them die bc of something i said or action i did. But i feel very unworthy of living now bc of the guilt. I don’t even know if this is ocd anymore. Idk what is happening to me. Please report me to the police if I need to be locked up. Maybe I need to go to a psych ward. Idk what is happening. I feel so alone.

I can’t get over the guilt of knowingly having hurt someone 3 times. At first my intention was to make her feel included or help her but something took over in the middle of it. I want to know what is wrong with me since two days ago. I want to know if I am worthy of living after this. 1. I knew she had her first day of class and she told me she has an adjustment disorder but I still asked her if she had homework. I probably knew it could make her wanna die if I reminded her of hw. 2. She was saying something to my mom in the car ride home and my mind said she will be hurt if I put my shoulder on my seat hard because it will make her feel like I hate her or something. She was sitting in the back seat and I was sitting in the front seat. But yet i put my shoulder down on my seat back pretty hard. My mind associated it with her being offended and it adding up and making her want to die. But I still did it. 3. Today she seemed more talkative and lively than yesterday and I was trying to help at first when I started saying “maybe you are starting to adjust” but in the middle of it my brain said its gonna offend her bc I am bringing up her adjustment disorder in the car infront of my parents and son, yet I still finished the sentence. And it would be ok if it were once but I’m afraid that all these together will add up and make her want to die. If not now, then later. Then I started to think well there are bullies who bully someone everyday. But then my brain is saying that bullying someone around the same time everyday at school is different from the times that I unintentionally bullied her. Well it was unintentional at first half of it and then when i decided to ignore my brain that told me it will hurt her and i still did those.. I feel so guilty and i never did this until yesterday. I dont know whats going on with me. Why am i being this way all of a sudden? The guilt is eating me i dont even wanna talk to anyone incase i hurt/slowly kill them bc of something i said or action i did. But i feel suicidal now bc of the guilt.

You know what’s the worst feeling in the world? Telling your crush that you have feelings for her, all the while intrusive thoughts/images about a guy friend keep popping up and intrusive thoughts of “your bisexual”... and making it feel like your not attracted to her as well...

Hello everyone! I haven’t been on this app in a long time and I wanted to share some words of encouragement. I’m currently 20 years old and have had OCD since I was a young child. I finally confessed to someone how I was feeling at 17 years old and that is when I started ERP/medication. When I started having intrusive thoughts about harm, I knew I needed to tell someone because my anxiety was truly paralyzing. That year was the hardest year of my life and I was at the lowest of the lows. I never thought I would be thriving as a 20 year old university student with a prestigious scholarship. I thought life would never get better. It’s been exactly 3 years and I have moved out, am succeeding in school, and work full-time! I really want everyone who is in the state that I was in to have hope. Trust me- with the proper treatment, recovery is possible and WILL 100% happen! Once, I received treatment, I experienced true happiness that I had never felt before! Sending my love to all the OCD warriors out there. You will conquer this and become a stronger person from it!!!❤️💪

Does anyone constantly worry that their partner is cheating on them? I have never been cheated on before but I am constantly hit with these thoughts and it makes me very triggered anxious and depressed.

I feel like Im being attracted to this therapist I may see soon. Ive seen his picture and spoken to him once and Im getting scenarios etc, no anxiety nothing. Just a little uncomfortable frankly idek what I feel when this happens Bizzarre thing is this happens with women too, like Id immediately start getting romantic thoughts with them and scenarios of me dating them and doing stuff, but the one with girls feel relatively nice although it becomes exhausting when it starts happening with every woman i see but the thoughts with guys feel more real and idk they just feel like they are more true and likely to happen This has to mean im bisexual right? Like it just feels like it is me, Im worried that Im full gay instead of bi though. Ughhh. Im so fucking sick of this.

I’m full desperation to find out if I have OCD or not. I'm currently dealing with HOCD symptoms, but how can I know it's not just denial? I don't go out with my girlfriends (actually I don't go out in general), I can't watch movies, tv shows or listen to music without being triggered. At school its feel just like hell, I try do avoid any eye contact, anything and anyone that can trigger my intrusive thoughts. It feels so freaking real and I'm scared. I constantly ask my self...Did you thought that on purpose? Did you look there because you wanted to? But what if it's not OCD and your lying to yourself and to other? Do I no longer find men attractive? Why do I find women attractive? Do you feel something? Can you have OCD and still be in denial? I started compulsively reading online, ruminating, avoiding, checking everything. I have always been boy crazy even after obsessing over similar stuff. But this time it feels different and I'm confused. This is not the first time I experience HOCD intrusive thoughts ( I have them since I was 12) but usually I was obsessing over them for about 2 week and then everything was back to normal. It has been like two months now and it has ruined my life. After spending more than 4 hours every day reading about OCD ( I think it has become compulsion) I found that a lot of stuff that I have experienced in my life could be due to OCD. My first experience that can be referred to as an obsession was when I was 11. Out of nowhere I started fearing vomiting up to the point where If I got any sensation that resembled a sign of vomiting I would have a huge panic attack ( I still have this till this day). Every morning before school I eat a Lemon and something small, but I make sure that it's not something that could make me vomit. Then when I was 12 I had fear of being pregnant. That was of course impossible but I believed it. To make sure that I'm not pregnant I had to punch myself in the stomach several times. Then the fear of getting sick came along. For the past 3 years I have examined every every twitch, every ache of my body. I was constantly googlein and visiting the doctor. I was so aware of my body. This summer as I went back to Bulgaria (I'm Bulgarian but I live in Germany) my condition got worse. I started experiencing stuff that I never had before. Thinking I'm schizophrenic, that I would hurt the people I love and that is just a matter of time before I have to be locked up. I remember making sure that there are physically stronger people around me who would have stopped me if I tried to hurt someone. I have also experienced ROCD, Harm OCD and Sucide OCD symptoms. Now not only I am obsessing over my sexuality but I'm also obsessing about whether I have OCD or not and whether or not I experience “enough “ anxiety regarding my thoughts. I started going to therapy and was diagnosed with anxiety disorder but I'm not sure anymore. I talked with my therapist about OCD and she told me that it's possible but further diagnosis won't be needed. She also said that when I feel distress i have to listen to music. ( music triggers me) Then my parents told me that I was self-diagnosing myself once again. ( They don't know about my intrusive thoughts) That left me with the question: Well if it's not OCD than is it real? I have been going through hell all my life and I'm only 17. I'm struggling, I'm desperate and my fears they seem to be so real. I know that I have to visit specialist but I'm scared that they will tell me that my fear is real and I'm just in denial. I don't have money to book an appointment with an actually specialist online and my parents wouldn't allow me to do that. But they don't know what an unprofessional one can cause. I feel like I'm lying about my condition to. Even as am writing this I feel like I'm just trying to convince you and myself by “adopting” the symptoms that people with actual OCD have.It is like I'm making all of this stuff up just because I don't want to accept the truth.

Its #flooffriday ! :) miss gyps and I hope to see today flooded with your floofs 😊 On an off note, if anyone is reading this and has experience with it...can someone give me some tips on how to deal with narcissistic abuse? I am THIS close to just cutting my dad out of my life lol

I've been really struggling with religious ocd for ages now and I feel so crippled by this one thought I keep having. Usually I think of a bad situation for no reason and then I have to ruminate in my mind if I would rather that bad thing happen and go to heaven or would I rather it not happen and not not to heaven and my brain came up with would I rather die right now and not go to heaven or give away my life to live so basically I can't win. I already doubt i don't believe enough so it's latching onto that. I'm in constant fear that I gave away my soul and I don't know how to stop that fear.

Tw I need some advice or something, Im losing my it. I dont even feel like a guy inside anymore, wtf is going on. Someone here told me its common for people to realize their gender is different once they realize their sexuality. Wtf do I even do? Im even more discouraged and embarrassed to seek therapy now, not feeling like im even a man? This is disgusting and horrible, am I actually changing? It feels like this is my true self that was hidden all these years. Wtf wtf!!!??

Hey everyone, i just wanted to say this to see if anyone else relates , one day i feel so confident about my sexuality and just happy and my ocd isn't that bad and then the next day my ocd gets so bad and it makes me question my sexuality and tell me that im lying to myself and that i'll end up marrying that gender and i feel so confused cuz just a day ago i was so happy and all the attraction i feel now i didn't have before ocd and it makes my head hurt i cant even watch youtube or movies i cant even walk past that sex in school

It feels like I’ve just found out I really don’t love him. I don’t really feel peace but ocd is making me think I do. I think. I don’t know I’m not anxious at all anymore they’re just feelings. Can ocd be feelings

Sometimes I feel like I wake up and I have anxiety but it’s not even about my obsessive thinking, it’s like my body is waiting for me to start having my regular obsessive thoughts and it’s making my body stressed. I feel like I’m always waiting for the other shoe to drop, and it almost feels like this dwelling anxiety makes my body try and find something to overthink about. It’s very stressful does anybody have any advice or can relate?

I had just “minded my own business” to who I presumed was a woman because she had explicit female characteristics and such only to discover that he identifies as a trans man in the comic I’m reading... 😞😞😞 I didn’t even know he was a trans man... I honestly thought he was a woman because of his female body parts... 😭😭😭 I don’t ever wanna be my HOCD or POCD or Real event OCD... 😭😭😭

Anyone have questions about HOCD? Im a survivor