Welcome to
the NOCD Community

Has anyone with HOCD ever felt completely convinced they must be gay? And feel next to know anxiety about it and then have spikes of sudden anxiety because you almost realise again how uncomfortable that makes you?

I have been thinking lately about how I had pretty debilitating HOCD when I was going into high school and I want to share my story with you all because it seems there’s so many who are going through what I went through. My HOCD started when I had a group of friends at my catholic school who were extremely homophobic. If anyone in our class was unique, or different, or annoying, my friends would say they were gay. It was the go-to insult at the time. It’s normal for any child to question their sexuality, but imagine my inner struggle when I thought any girl was pretty, I had an internal panic. If my best friends found out that I thought a girl was pretty?? They would ruin me. Then one of my main best friends told me that one of her friends from another school, came out to her. My friend told me she stopped being friends with her. I started to freak out and think the same thing was happening to me. I started getting intrusive thoughts and distanced myself from that friend. My fear of being gay overtook my life. I was just entering high school when this all went down, and I was triggered all day at school because I went to an all girls school. I was “checking” myself all day. I was a nervous wreck. I literally begged my mom to let me go to a public co-Ed school. When I started going to a co-Ed school, my HOCD didn’t get better, it actually got worse. I was getting attention from boys that I never got before. They would flirt, ask for my number, they were relentless. And I was petrified. I had terrible debilitating panic attacks thinking if I dated a man I would hate being with him, and I would have to come out. I was resisting, doing compulsions, ruminating, having fake attractions, (any attraction I thought I had, was just anxiety) and I was stuck in this frame of thinking. Then there was this really cute guy who started flirting with me. I couldn’t deny I liked him. And we started to date, and I was genuinely in love. My HOCD pretty much disappeared for our entire relationship because there was no denying I was attracted to a man. It was in the background every once and while, but not bad at all. But, the best thing I could’ve ever done was after gaining some confidence in myself, I started going to a technical school for cosmetology. I was working with other women all day every day. Shampooing their hair, painting their nails, talking and making good friends. Now that I look back, that was the best exposure therapy😂! I started to realize wasn’t attracted to any of them. I was just a hairstylist doing my job. I didn’t know it at the time, but spending time with other women and making friends with them and exposing myself to that environment made me realize I wasn’t gay at all. Now I will say, I enjoy looking at women and I think they’re beautiful. But I do not f want to date or sleep with a woman at all. I am confident in how I feel because of my experiences. I want the younger people who are struggling with HOCD to understand how important it is to put yourself out there and experience life, make good friends, expose yourself to the things that scare you. Please just push yourself through those fears because there’s a whole other side to this and there’s clarity in your future. I have two kids and a loving husband now, and I’m so happy that I have myself a chance to overcome my fears

Don’t mind me just riding out a massive anxiety attack after a few rough weeks of actual health issues. I have major health anxiety and I’ve had 2 awful asthma attacks recently due to wildfire smoke coming into our area. I hate having asthma because I didn’t know I had it for so long. And I never really know if my shortness of breath is anxiety or asthma 😭😩 It freaks me out whenever I have to get treatment for it because they always run an EKG to make sure my heart is fine. After having COVID last year (then getting the vaccination) one of my new anxieties is developing random blood clots despite being physically healthy. I go on Twitter for the memes then the next second I’ll see someone’s personal story about how someone they knew dropped dead randomly from the shot. It freaks me out so bad. Like what?? I don’t want to stop using Twitter either because I like it and don’t want to avoid any triggers. Back to health, they took an X-ray of my lungs the other day as a part of protocol because I couldn’t breathe that well (because I was having an asthma attack 😩) and it freaked me out so bad. Everything came back clear but my discharge papers said to get my heart checked out just in case. My resting heart rate is generally higher because of anxiety anywhere from 75-85. I hate having health anxiety on top of actual health problems. My doctors tell me I’m healthy despite asthma and allergies. Every day is a battle with health anxiety. Sometimes I can’t even workout because I’m so focused on my heart rate or breathing. Like I’m genuinely convinced I’ll die of a random disease I don’t know I have. AnywAY, health anxiety OCD is something I’ve had since I had my first panic attack. As most of you know that anxiety can manifest itself in so many ways it’s horrifying sometimes. Hopefully I feel better again soon bc this ain’t it chief!! 🥺

How long should you do ERP? I have the best luck it seems with writing short stories about my husband and my worst fears (marrying him being a mistake, never knowing for sure if he’s “the one”, never feeling better and being miserable my entire life.” Sometimes I read it just a couple times and my anxiety is very high and after just a couple times through, I feel “normal.” Is this a sign to move on to something different or should I keep exposing myself to it? Also, I tend to get anxiety when I realize the story isn’t scaring me anymore. How can I do exposures to tackle that giant?

Does anyone have bible verses that help with their OCD? Or specific prayers that have helped them?

Do people with False Memory ever get to a point in treatment that they remember if the event actually happened or not?

You ever have moments where your ocd flares up for no reason? Like today as I was going to lunch it flared up and all through lunch and class I felt like my fear was true and I felt sick to my stomach cause it felt like I wanted these thoughts and I would act the horrible things I’m afraid of doing. Anyone else have times like these?

Hear me out. If you aren’t in therapy, please please give it a chance. I was so scared of therapy because I was afraid my therapist would just tell me my intrusive thoughts might be true. I am so glad I gave therapy a chance because my therapist is giving me the skills I need to manage my intrusive thoughts by not engaging with them or giving them meaning. Don’t struggle by yourself. Please get help. I highly recommend Erin Swedish (NOCD therapist). Don’t forget that your life is SO meaningful. You are so worthy of love, happiness, and freedom, and you can recover. ❤️

I'm reaching at to someone going through the same thought process as me ?. Thoughts like you want to be with the same sex.......I feel so messed up in the head 😔

Every time I get intrusive thoughts these days I just accept them as true without even thinking about it. What does that mean? My ocd is real? I just realized this a while ago but I didn’t even notice this whole week I had been doing that.

I know my wisdom teeth are coming in and I’m going to have to get the removed. But I’m so afraid of anesthesia, what if I say or do something really inappropriate when I’m under anesthesia? It scares me so much. And it makes me not want to go to the dentist.

Wondering if anyone can give me some advice. I recently started going to a therapist and she never mentioned ERP but claims to have a lot of experience with OCD. Her advice to me when I have intrusive thoughts is to remind and tell myself that it is just my OCD and just the way my brain is wired that is making me obsess. I just saw a post about ERP therapy and how you’re actually supposed to confront the thoughts. Is what she is telling me to do bad advice?

Just had my 2nd ERP and feel worse anxious than I did when I started. Didn't really know I had OCD about the topic we were working on but guess I do. Has this happened to anybody else? My therapist told me I can't use prayer while I am sitting with the anxiety. However, I can use it afterwards.

Hey, is anyone else here struggling with loss of attraction? Im not looking for reassurance but it would be great to speak to someone else who is dealing with this too. It feels like proof i dont have ocd and i need to accept that..i dont know what to do anymore at this point

In your experience, how far into therapy or starting ERP until it “finally clicked” for you? When it comes to relief. I’ve been in a total of 5 sessions and it has helped relief some of my anxiety, however I still feel anxious and extremely unhappy that some of these thoughts are still part of me.

I have been married for 16 years and have been with my wife for a total of 18 years. Our lives have taken on completely separate paths. I am the only one working because we moved to another state 6 years ago for my job. She has not been able to find good work with her skill sets. She has had countless jobs since the move but nothing steady. I told her to quit multiple times and she has. She is now in school but stopped because she said she hated the way she was being treated. It was an online program. She has since began a certification program with the idea that once she achieves that she will reenroll in school to finish her degree. I am totally supportive of her choices and want her to be successful.   I have OCD and also have an amazing career. She has been super supportive of me. I will never question or accuse her of not being supportive. But we are now getting ready for divorce. My OCD has caused a lot of strife and negativity in our marriage. I have also had "inappropriate" relationships with other women that I have worked with. Let me expand on this... I have never physically cheated or come close to that.   Maybe 5 years ago I was having a conversation with a woman whom I had worked with about our miscarriages and she was telling me similar information about her inability to get pregnant. It was an honest and raw conversation. I felt like if I wanted to I could kiss her. I felt so guilty that I confessed to my wife this information. You see, that's what I do to relieve the anxiety. Another time my wife and I went out with another couple. I worked with both of them but closely with the wife of the couple. We developed a very friendly relationship and when we were out we were talking closely and laughing and she touched my arm flirtatiously. My wife was so pissed and I now have had another “inappropriate”relationship in her mind.   I also had a coworker woman at another job that I reassured and helped a bit by being supportive during some work strife. I helped get some games and stuff together from the staff when her daughter was in the hospital. We went to a one day training and had lunch but nothing more. Most of these situations I knew there was a bit of attraction but I would never go as far as acting on that. No secret texts or emails or things like that. Nothing physical or intimate.   Speaking of, my wife and I have intimacy issues and have for a long time. There are reasons which are not for me to share. She also has a terrible relationship with her family mostly. I am not sure how to be any more supportive of her regarding her stuff. The patience and understanding has worn thin or is no longer in existence. Everyday is another day filled with tension, frustration, and general unhappiness. There is a bunch of anger, resentment, animosity, frustration, and deep wounds that she carries towards me. My wife is built to not forgive or forget. These things I share here, will never not be present. She remembers everything and if anyone crosses her she is deeply wounded.   I know that my OCD has been a big part of our issues. I try to own that as best I can. Its hard for me to hear things like I am the reason why she stopped school or that she is going to move across the country to get away from me, that I am untrustworthy and that I have betrayed her. I don’t really have a response to them. I do get defensive a bit because I feel like I didn’t do really anything. But I also need to understand that if she feels these things that she tells me, that is her reality and I have to be ok with that.   I feel so responsible for everything that has gone wrong in my marriage. If I don’t own everything that I do or say or not do or not say or when I have OCD about something and I confess, then I am the common denominator in my marriage downfall. Its all me. I am the failure with all if my OCD and character flaws.   I have no excuses other than to try to cope. I am so ashamed of everything... my confessions, these “improper” relationships, the time that I was wasted and said some things to my wife and she will never forget or forgive me for. She says that she is scared of me, I make poor choices with many things, that I am a narcissist, I don’t pay attention to her, I don’t care about her. I have never been abusive towards her in any way. I try to build up instead of tear down. I am not perfect but that is just in my nature to be positive and want to help. But at different tomes, OCD has made me confess dark and shameful thoughts. My Dad died in July and there was a celebration of life in August. I flew back home to be with my Mom and to coordinate. My wife stayed here with our dog. We fought the entire time I was there and she reminded me that she was leaving me because of what I described above. The other time for the celebration of life, we fought again the entire time. I have never felt so alone and disconnected. I am not sure I have even grieved yet. Too much guilt and anxiety from the marital problems. I am a mess and needed to get some of this out. Thanks for reading this. I appreciate it.

So I just started a relationship and now my mind is telling me I don't like the person at all and it feels real and I can't tell. Is this ROCD??

Each day living is getting difficult even though I have everything to eat.. a house to live in.. books to read.. a family. Yet I have terrible relations and I fear everyone will leave me or a day will come that I will have to leave everyone. A 24 yr old girl who aspires to become a civil servant but today feeling like a failure and burden. Why? Why do I feel so anxious, angry on what people did to me or why my behaviour was not normal like other kids who now have graduated from top IITs, medical colleges or top NLUs and I'm in my bed hiding my face in fear that I'm someone who won't be able to survive. Please help me. Please. I want to build a strong career but I'm already 24 and have severe OCD. No one knows and feels it except for me. People in past have said that you only overthink but my impulsive behaviour.. repeating things again and again.. my obsessions and compulsions have distorted the way a normal individual could think. I dont have money to pay for ERP therepy but I need help. I'll pay off as soon as I get hired. It may take around 2-3 years. So I dont think I'm going to get any support anyhow. I know this platform is good that's why I came here. Please help

I dont even know who I am anymore ...

I’m doing okay figuring out exposures for my SO-OCD (not doing too great at the hierarchy piece though - I keep going too high and send myself spiraling 😵‍💫🥵) but I could use some help with exposures for ROCD. Does anyone have any ROCD exposures they used that worked well for them?