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the NOCD Community

Hi everyone! I have tried really hard to stop posting as much on this app. I realized that I was using it as a compulsion and posting on here almost everytime I had an anxious thought. It’s so nice to be met with compassion and understanding but I was also using it for reassurance/a crutch. But anyway, I’m REALLY stuck on something and I’ve already wasted my entire afternoon being really anxious about it so I’m just going to post it here as a way to salvage my mental health. My ex and I broke up 3 months ago and I am CONSTANTLY getting super triggered by things that happened in our past. Even things that occurred years ago, I seem to suddenly intrusively remember and then have to “solve them” all over again. What’s so frustrating is that my brain is so fuzzy and my memories are so blurry since it was so long ago, but I can’t seem to rely on my brain to accurately remember or decipher the situation. Today, I’m completely stuck as I remember a situation from one of the times him and I broke up temporarily. I remember being at a friends house and her and I were swiping through my Tinder for fun, when he popped up on my profile. When I went to his profile and checked his latest Instagram posts on his profile, it showed the latest Instagram photos of being from while we were still together. At the time, and now, this has led me down a rabbit hole of anxiety wondering if he was swiping on tinder while we were “madly in love“. I’ve googled everything I could about when Instagram and tinder update themselves. But now, everything I Google or look up about Instagram photos syncing with tinder makes it seem like there’s no way he wasn’t swiping while we were together. I’m pretty sure I confronted him about it at the time, even though him and I were broken up, because I was so upset and anxious. And I obviously worked through it at the time and let it go until now- 2 1/2 years later. Him and I are still great friends at this point, and all of me wants to call him and ask for reassurance but I know that that’s silly because it was so, so long ago. I feel like these things keep coming up because my anxiety is trying to still take this relationship away from me, even though it’s technically already over. In my mind, if I find out that he did bad things in the past, I can’t be friends with him in the present. I’m so tired of having these things come up on a daily basis and giving away my days to anxious thoughts from years ago, but I don’t know how to stop it from happening. Sorry this is so long, but thank you so much for reading. I really appreciate any advice and I’m crying as I write this. Thank you

Does anybody have any advice? The intrusive thoughts and groinal responses have really affected me… Even when I’m not anxious and not having thoughts or groinal responses. It’s like a part of me is lost or like un sure… In my head I’m like “can you really go back to “knowing” you’re straight or feeling like how you use to?” It does feel like I won’t ever be the same. Like I can’t see things the same. I don’t know what to do.

does anyone have any tips on connecting with your partner again? i feel so disconnected from him to the point where it feels like i don’t even know him and he’s a stranger.

Has anyone recovered/recovering from ROCD and have a successful relationship?

I just started Therapy with NOCD, which I'm so happy about. Finally told my husband I am doing therapy, which I have been so nervous for because he doesn't fully understand OCD, he thinks I should be able to just fully shut it off and know my thoughts are ridiculous. I feel like that spirals my thoughts. Also, because we are Christians, there is a danger in allowing bad thoughts to just be there, I feel like that spirals me because with OCD, you must allow it to be there.

How do you explain your daily torment to your spouse in a way they'll understand? I have pure o and huge avoidance behaviors. My husband thinks I'm lazy or I feel too much or I overcomplicate everything. He tells me I'm negative and I always think the worst and I'm exhausting. :( I wish more than anything he understood that I procrastinate making dinner bc I picture poisoning my whole family and it scares me so much that I just order take out again. Or I ask him to clean my daughters ear piercings bc I pick at my own skin and if I touch her ears she'll get a horrible infection and get septic and die bc I touched her newly pierced ears (even with the alcohol stuff). Or I lay around playing games on my phone because I need distractions to numb out so I don't think about hurting anyone or cheating on him. How do you say that to the father of your kids without him trying to take them away from you? He doesn't even believe in mental illness. He sees it as weakness. :( Any help would be awesome bc I don't know what to do.

This post involves discrimination in the workplace. am under a significant amount of stress. I am concerned my employer is attempting to terminate me and believe that my Obsessive Compulsive Disorder is being used to discriminate against me. I wont mention said employer, however I work as a fraud investigator and there are significant regulations that exist which I cannot go into detail about my work. I have been employed for this company coming up 6 years, never had a disciplinary act, before I was employed, I advised protection under the Americans With Disabilities act that I had OCD. During training I nearly lost my job. The trainers were in my opinion discriminating against me for taking too many notes, asking questions because I did not feel the answers provided were clear or were not answering questions I had or that I had found contradictions in some cases and that the trainer was taking their frustration out on me. My name was openly displayed in front of the class and I was taken to the back and coached almost everyday to the point I was taken before management and was about to be terminated, I contacted HR and explained my situation and I was left alone. I succeeded with my job and was promoted on multiple occassions, management and peers liked me, no disciplinary actions and I was eventually promoted to a fraud investigator due to my previous background. During my tenure, I found that my tasks had started off very easy and I was quick, but over time my work became much more complex and I was expected to produce much more work in less time, I found the lack of consistency causing me to doubt decisions or that my work was being challenged despite never causing a single loss. Even minor things I felt I was being questioned about my time if I went to use the bathroom, if I had made a joke, had asked for assistance for someone to help with a task, for simply asking procedure questions to management, I was constantly being called into meetings, denied job postings and opportunities despite no formal warnings and interviews going exceedingly well, any critique that was to sound helpful was treated like I was being negative, I felt I had been cheated out of bonuses and punished for things I literally had no control over. As of recent, management has been aggressively staking out esentially anything I do like a pitbull that just won't let go. I genuinely am trying to do my job, stop fraud and properly investigate but I feel like this is being hindered because any decision I make is the wrong decision, Yes or No doesn't resolve the issue. I am currently paying a mortgage, have a wife and child to support and this has taken a dramatic toll on everything to the point of tears, anger, depression and anxiety not knowing what to do. I have attempted to resolve this in so many different ways but I feel powerless in my words, actions or anything to prove I am doing the right thing. I have asked and invited management to watch what I am doing. Just recently after asking to speak to a supervisor, I was advised I was being referred for disciplinary action as a result of this. I recently had to contact our HR to provide ADA documentation but I feel like the people I report to are going to continue to make my life a living hell and I am just lost at this point.

Hi I need help. I have not been diagnosed with ocd but I am sure I have it hence why I am here. I am a teenager and matured quicker then normal so my family treat my younger than my mental age ( understandable). The accept when my cousin has ocd and we share compulsions but completely dismiss it when i bring up getting help and getting an official diagnosis. It feels like they are ashamed of having a child with a mental disorder and it kills me when they are accepting of my cousins ocd, another cousins autism and another cousins dyslexia, and support them. When I told my friends about my situation they said I was lying and accused me of being one of those people faking it ok social media to seem edgy or different. I can’t sleep without checking the 46th minute of every hour, turning off the lights in order, tucking my curtains behind my cushions, picking my socks in a specific place, avoiding touching all water except for showering counting things to eight, counting my steps too and from school and tossing and turning in my bed in a certain way. This started very young and got worse when someone very close to me died the same day as when I didn’t do one of my compulsions. I still blame myself to this day. You may have seen my post and I have tried to post it here to get as much help as possible. If anyone has any advice whether you think I don’t have ocd, whether you think I am a dramatic teen or not any advice would be much appreciated. Thank you.

My grandparents living room ceiling had a leak and broke through seven years ago. They had asbestos in the ceiling and a special company had to come and repair the hole. There was some large statues in their home next to the debris. My grandparents died of natural causes two years later. My parents took the statues into their home and they have been there for five years. I walked past one today and bumped into it. My ocd is telling me I now have asbestos on me and I’m going to die. Although it thinks it’s immediately I know this would occur for a number of years. The anxiety is very intense, but I am sitting with it and trying not to respond. Does anyone else have these same worries about asbestos? Please don’t post any reassurance. I would appreciate a general consensus of the same fear. Worrying about asbestos has really destroyed my life for eleven years and I’m trying to go against it to recover but man it’s difficult especially without meds.

I just tried to take a nap and the same intrusive thought came to my head and my mind was going to go to a dark place but I woke up with my heart racing. I just keep thinking how am I supposed to live like this forever? How am I going to live a quality life forever. I feel like I’m losing my mind every day. I don’t get enough sleep. Most sleep I get maybe 3 hours. I can’t really tell no one but I confess too much on here or I’ll complain or confess about a different problem I’m struggling with. I feel like I’m losing my mind. My memory isn’t the best right now and my days are all mixed up. I’m breaking down twice a day and I’m not sure if it’s because of my period making it worse but my whole life sucks :( I feel like this is it tbh.

I don’t even know how to explain it but can ocd make you feel less guilt? Can it make you feel the wrong things does that make sense? I’m struggling with a certain intrusive thought that makes me question whether or not I like/want it when I know deep down that can’t be true but it feels so convincing and it’s like I don’t even feel guilt but I should…it’s so weird. I don’t get it I really don’t. I guess the best thing for me to do is try to ignore it. The intrusive thought was so bad why does it feel the opposite of what it should be. I don’t know how to explain. Anyone experienced this too? What can I do to know for sure? How can I get some clarity. I know this may sound weird but part of me wants to go around the person it was about and see if that will help but I honestly don’t want to go around them because what if it makes it worse. I care about this family member and would literally do anything to protect them and make sure no harm comes to them. So why is my mind doing this to me?

what if God is using me through my compulsions to make things okay for people and that by not doing them i have ruined everyone’s lives. i feel like i had a responsibility and i even asked him to use me because i wanted him to but i don’t want to do compulsions anymore.

TW POCD So I’ve posted about this before and now it’s bothering me again because it’s the next day and it won’t give me a break. Still having the same intrusive thought and it’s telling me that I like/want it or it’s a desire and I’m scared to death. Someone said that it could be false attraction? First of all, eww. Second of all I would rather give up than let it be true so is it ocd or the real thing? I don’t want it to be true but it feels so real…I don’t know what else to do.

I'm way too hard on myself. It's affecting the way I think, the way I feel about myself, and my sleep. 3 days in a row I've been completely unable to sleep on time because of these thoughts. The good thoughts are never here and the bad ones are the ones that get the most attention. Everything feels boiled up inside. Any praise that I feel in myself seems short lived and the long term bad that come from events years and years ago seem to overwhelm me. Why can't I put this behind me? Why can't I just be at peace? Why is it that every day that passes I think about the fears that come with these intrusive thoughts? Is ERP seriously the only way? I can't stand this anymore. It never used to be this way before the pandemic hit. It never used to be this complicated, which is a word I despise saying.

TW POCD I tell myself I don’t like/want the intrusive thought I literally have been arguing with it for the past couple of days and it just gets worse and worse. What if I actually do? I keep telling it no, never. I’m scared to death what does it mean. What can I do to make this better? I would do anything to make it go away. I want to give up I really do. I don’t even want to go around anyone because what if it’s real. Before I would feel so much anxiety and guilt and now it just feels real. It can’t be it just can’t. I want to cry and cry and not go around anyone. I’m ashamed and scared and I feel like I’m never going to get better. Seriously what can I do? I don’t have a therapist anymore because I lost mine through NOCD (long story) and now I’m trying to get another one so I can’t talk to anyone about it yet. I’ve talked to my mom about it because I was deeply confused and concerned and she told me that if it was actually real, I wouldn’t care so much. I truly care. I care a lot. It’s not in my morals whatsoever to harm anyone or want to or like to, whatever. So why in the world is my mind trying to convince me of something that isn’t true and can’t be true. I swear on my life I don’t want it. So why does it feel like it. Why God why me? What did I ever do to deserve this?! Please please please go away forever that’s all I ask 💔

Is it best to tell someone close that you are really struggling when having a hard OCD episode or to keep it to yourself? I don't want to seek reassurance but I feel so alone.

Any tips on how to remember/be motivated enough to take medication in the morning? I’ve been taking my meds nightly for about 2 years now and I like that because I have a terrible time whenever I have to take something in the morning. But now my doctor wants me to do morning and night meds and I’m stressing out. I know I’m going to forget and rush out the door for work. But she said I’m running out of med options so I have to try this 😬

So I've always had an issue about my partners watching porn. I've always felt super uncomfortable with it and just now realized that maybe it has to do with rocd... but then I fight myself on it because I feel like maybe it's just something that I strongly believe in. My current boyfriend thinks I'm crazy for not letting him watch porn. I then caught him watching porn once after he said he wouldn't and I freaked out. I felt really insecure. He said that he would stop doing it but I obsess over it and I check his phone when he's not looking. I also obsess over if he is talking to other girls. And then when I don't find anything, i tell myself that he has just gotten better at hiding stuff.

I can't tell this to anyone I know, I know they will judge me, so I'll write here instead. It's something i've been bottling inside for a while, it's very long so feel free to skip this. I've been feeling an intense guilt for something I didn't do and would never do. It's been a week and sometimes the guilt reappears and tortures me. I'm afraid that people are going to start unthinkable rumors about me and that nobody will believe me when that time comes. I'm afraid that I will be reported and that all my friends will leave me. Since I was in middle school, because I didn't have friends, I used to chat with strangers on a telegram group. Some of the people inside were messed up, but I stayed because most of them were funny. One day the EU announced a policy called "chat control" (I can't write what it is it about because only writing the word triggers me) and the people in the group started joking about them being reported to the police for having hentai videos on the app. I used it as an excuse to finally leave the circle, I wanted to severe my relationship with them and finally delete once for all my telegram account. I wanted to move on and actually live real life. I didn't want to be associated with those people anymore, because I feared of being cancelled in the future on the internet and everything . I deleted it, but once again I've found myself re-downloading telegram and re-entering the same group. I initially played around like if I were a new member, then I revealed myself, and someone asked, I guess jokingly, if I had deleted the account because I had **** (I can't write it) and I started panicking. I tried to tell him that it wasn't true but I wasn't able to communicate it well (my communication skills suck) then I proceeded to delete the account. What if they misunderstand? What if they really start believing what he said? What if they report me? I still regret it to this day, if only I could have explained better. After that I had anxiety and an immense feeling of guilt to the point that I didn't feel worthy of eating or feeling happy. I couldn't sleep because I felt like everything was over for me, I cried a lot. This lasted for 2 days until my mom noticed my behavior and talked some sense into me. Now I feel better but I still replay the conversation I had with that person in my head over and over again trying to fix the past in my head. I don't know if I'll ever be able to get over this feeling. I try to not think about it, but it doesn't work. Why do I keep feeling like a monster, when I didn't really do anything?

If I've tried erp and other forms of therapy where do I go next?