This morning I kind of dissected my journey with Real Event OCD and itās kind of funny, however depressing and not how I want things to be. So 7 years ago I struggled with Real Event OCD with a theme that would torment me for 3 years, at the time I had no idea it was Real Event OCD (having no clue about OCD in general at the time) but in retrospect it was a classic case.
Anyhow, through the 3 year torment I basically went off the rails and lost control of my life thinking I was a bad person and I deserved nothing but the worst in life, I was suicidal, nihilistic, drinking, having risky sex, doing drugs, smoking cigarettes, getting silly tattoos - anything to punish myself. Everyone saw me as the funny non-conformist who rarely had a bad word to say about anyone - perhaps I was too preoccupied with having bad words with myself, plus the anxiety of not having people like me - oh the horror!
I left that scene after the 3 years and started to make positive changes to my life, stopped drinking, stopped having risky sex, stopped doing drugs, stopped smoking cigarettes, started getting some tattoos removed. And I felt good, I still thought about the original theme but it just ceased to have power over me. Life was going real good.
Then, you guessed it, I started to obsess over my past regrets and the 3 lost years of my life which as you can imagine I have a pretty sketchy memory of, but of-course I remember the āhorribleā things I did during that 3 year period - in-fact thereās only one that I really obsess over (but many others things I feel like I knew better to do). And itās excruciatingly painful. What I did wasnāt great, thereās a minute chance that it has had the effect that OCD tells me that it has⦠but if it did, I want to make it right, and apart from posting online my transgression in hopes that this person finds it so I can find the reassurance myself - thereās not much I can do. Through past compulsions Iāve found itās rare, but what Iām worried about has happened before to people and bitten them in the arse.
This, Iāve been obsessing over for nearly 2 years now and there have been some ups, but the downs are horrific. But thereās no end, and it drives me deep into wanting to find out this one little bit of information that will free me forever to live my life. I couldnāt even explain in words the relief I would feel. And thatās the pull, itās the sheer overwhelming emotion of freedom it would provide. Sometimes I think āI wish it would just happen right now, because if my OCD is wrong, I will probably never knowā. Donāt get me wrong, I would feel terrible about my actions, hell - I do now. My OCD tells me it would ruin me, and hey - maybe, maybe not eh? But I tell you one thing, it would severely change my life.
I try my best to not do compulsions and do my best to do self-help. It reduces the anxiety, the guilt and shame remain but take a seat further back in the row - but the unworthiness of being helped can hinder all of these. I think Iāll try ERP one day, Iām currently seeing a therapist and heās helping somewhat. Iām currently into spirituality and itās hard to know whether Iām just into it to āpurify the wrongsā, or whether I actually want to gain insight into spirituality, but I know deep down it wonāt solve the āissueā I have.
I struggle with perfectionism, and I used to act as āif thereās a scratch on the boat then the whole shipās getting sunkā. But no more, I want to do right by myself and others, but Lord is it a painful thing this OCD.
I guess what Iām getting at is, if only Iād have known about Real Event OCD 7 years ago and this may well have been avoided. And that made me chuckle for a moment.