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I deserve to suffer.... if this is POCD I would be so happy, but it doesn’t feel like it... I want it to be POCD so badly...

I’m deeply sorry for repeatedly posting on here, but my thoughts are so crazy they don’t even feel like OCD. I’m so lost I don’t know who I am, what I want, I don’t know where did my love for my family go, why do I feel like I’m turning psycho. Am I capable of harming others? Will I be okay without these thoughts? Maybe I won’t be okay bc i might actually want to harm people. Maybe I won’t be normal till I do it. And I’m so upset at me for doubting my intentions, I feel terrible, I feel so guilty, like a monster. I feel so sorry for my family, they don’t deserve anything bad, I see them as such beautiful humans but instead I see me as a Monster and a freaking psychopath. I just wanna feel normal again, I wanna feel love towards my family again, not doubts of harming them. I hate feeling like I’m gonna act on my thoughts, not being able to know if I’m capable, not knowing if I am going to do it, if I want to, etc. And also, the feeling that I might be fooling everyone I know, making them think I was a good person all along, that I’m hiding my true nature from them, that they will be very disappointed and they’ll hate me. I am starting to get convinced I’m a psychopath and a m*rderer in waiting. I haven’t done anything but it doesn’t matter it still feels that way. I fear the thought of: what if in some moment I stop caring about this and start liking it, don’t feel bad about it anymore so I start doing it? And what if that moment is now? it feels like it so how do I know it’s not true? It made me so anxious and scared to think that I could be turning into someone that enjoys these thoughts or that will act on these thoughts. Because I don’t know if that might be my case, or if it could be in the future.

when i had nocd therapy through this app it was clear that like my time with the therapist meant that it had to focus on erps but we never could talk about personal stuff i mean we could but it was seen as an excuse for not doing the erps which usually they were i guess what im trying to say is does anyone go to a nocd therapist and are able to talk about whats troubling them emotionally in their personal life? my theme we focused on was pocd so i mean if anything in my life pertained to the theme and being triggered by it i went into that or i would talk about emotionally how my ocd was making me feel and how do i talk to my family about ocd but it was clear like no portion of it could be used as like talk therapy for lifes ups and downs and i get why but has anyone been able to find therapists who do both? because im living at home as a 29 year old with my family and theres a lot going on here emotionally and stress wise childhood trauma stuff and it is hard to like deal with ocd and family drama at the same time and itd be nice to be able to talk about both with my therapist instead of having to get two therapists one for ocd and one for like my life outside of ocd if that makes sense? anyway curious what other people have experienced

Someone please help. So ive been in my relationship for 6 years and now I don't have the love feelings that you have in the honeymoon phase, I just feel comfortable, safe, and normal around him. because of this, my mind thinks that something is wrong in my relationship and that I need to break up even though I heard that this is completely normal and healthy in a long term relationship. I want to know of any tips to help me cope with this or tips on how to get some feelings back. I feel like my medications and the pandemic have something to do with it as well cause we mainly just lay in bed all day together or go to the store when we see each other so maybe I gotten used to a routine and may be bored and need to spice things up. I just need some advice because I honestly have no idea if what I'm going through is supposed to happen in long term relationships cause this is the only relationship that I've been in. He's amazing and I always talk to him when I am happy, sad, or annoyed. He always tries to cheer me up and always says how he wants to marry me. I really don't want to lose an amazing guy and I feel bad that I'm doing something wrong. :(

I'm a girl and I always felt comfortable in my gender until TOCD started.But now I'm starting to hate everything about the femininity.When tocd first started i was feeling anxious even my pronouns.But when I look back actually i didn't feel anxious when someone referred me with she/her pronouns but I convinced myself that I am uncomfortable with pronouns.for a moment i make sure i'm a girl and i feel euphoric.And suddenly i start to doubt again.I am so helpless and feeling depressed.

Advice appreciated! I’ve been struggling with what likely is ocd for the past year, with a sexual orientation theme. It recently got kinda bad again so I’m thinking of telling my therapist. Since before ocd hit me, I’ve known I’m bi and I feel like if I were to tell my therapist about HOCD then I should also tell them I’m bi, but idk if I feel comfortable telling them yet. So I don’t know what to do! Should I suck it up and keep managing it myself, should I come out to them or should I not tell them about my sexual orientation and just ask about the OCD?

I need to talk with someone with pocd please

POCD 18+ I don’t think I can ever forgive myself for the past m/o to loli hentai and other explicit fanfics with young cartoon characters occasionally when I was 16-18. I stopped two years ago, and I’m 19 now but I’m getting intrusive memories of doing it and I immensely regret it. I hate myself forever. And you people should hate me too. I’m worthless. I’m a disgusting creature who deserves nothing but the upmost anger and disgust from you all... god help me...

Do any of you just wish you could change some of your rituals? Like some of mine are so complex and it seems impossible to tackle — I just wish I could “trade” that ritual for another one to get a fresh perspective on exposures to do.

I've been struggling a lot lately. I'm just not feeling attracted to men at all right now. Almost down right appalled by them. I consider myself bisexual but it's like a switch was flipped and I cant feel anything towards men anymore. Is this the OCD? Now I'm ruminating on thoughts that I've been gay all along or will become a lesbian. Help.

For all the ladies out there that take birth control. Do you think taking it has made your OCD worse or not?

Anyone constantly trying to figure out the past as if it will make anything better or change anything? If so, how do you stop it? Dates are enough to trigger me sometimes now that I think about it.

Anyone else have meta-ocd (obsessing about ocd itself)? I consider it for me the ultimate OCD fail safe. It keeps me doing the compulsions even if the distress goes away. I do most stuff just not to go through the constant rumination of ‘do I have ocd?’ and mental review of my entire life. I believe every thing I say and do now is fake/a lie/made up. I feel nothing but mentally I’m frustrated. Every time I do an ‘OCD-like’ behavior and do not experience uncomfortable emotions I doubt if I’m making it up for attention or misunderstood my symptoms. I am so distant from my emotions. I’m probably just ‘scared’ that I won’t be distressed> don’t have ocd> biggest fraud on this rotating rock. Sorry just had to vent. 😑

I’m planning on quitting my seventh job in 2 months and honestly i feel like Death

Can someone please just help me, I’m a 23 year old male and I have been molested by my cousins when I was younger and they did things to me when I was a kid and I ended up doing some sexual things to two other guys but I was like 11 or 12 I was little but I’m 23 now and i have so many intrusive thoughts about my sexuality I have a gf right now but it’s killing me I question myself every second I just don’t know what to do anymore I know I’m not gay but at the same time it’s like why did I do that to two other people when I was a kid what does that mean ? I’ve been fine until this past October my whole world fell apart with these thoughts from my past or something I’ve just lost myself.

(TW POCD) Ok so recently I've been worried about things I found attractive. This might be weird but sometimes I find people attractive (either in art or irl) and later find out the character/person is underage and it makes me stressed tf out. I think "why did I find this attractive, only pedos do that" and other things like that. I haven't been diagnosed with POCD which is even more scary. I'm 17 now and I'm afraid when I turn 18 its going to get so much worse since i'll be an adult. I just feel like I'm the only one who goes through this exact type of thing and I feel so disgusted in myself to the point where I check for peoples ages all the time. I've always been against pedophiles so this is very harming to me. I've been dealing with POCD themes for a while but this new trigger is getting to me bad.

I’m going to be going on medication to help with my ocd and anxiety and depression (not sure yet haven’t been told by doctor) and I’m not too thrilled about it because I’m really worried about gaining weight on it, it’s the main reason I don’t want to take them. I’ve lost so much weight and I’m still losing, I weigh every week and eat healthy with an occasional cheat meal and I don’t want to put the weight back on Has anyone had experiences with this? Everything I read online is that they cause weight gain

I get anxiety when people mention gay or lesbians in a conversation, even more when there is something negative against it. I feel like when I say something defending them it’s because I’m secretly gay and already anxious about me hiding it. Then fear I sound like I’m a lesbian. I think this could go towards one of my core fears being fear of judgment and others opinion. But then that sounds even more like I’m really just a lesbian

i just blew up on my sister like rage explosion we are all in family therapy about a trauma she experienced as a child im her younger sibling so i have no memory of the event but its been haunting our family our whole lives mostly because she hasnt been able to move forward (which makes sense she will always probably have ptsd of some sort) and also because my father has an abusive temper. a few years ago she tried to kill herself the day after i visited her where she lived and worked this freaked out the whole family i felt guilt for being there the day before it happened because like well yeah i shouldve stopped it i shouldve known something was up all of those thoughts... afterwards we moved in together and then she moved abroad for a year and then we both ended up moving back in with our parents in october 2019... her depression regressed and she basically has done nothing no work, exercise or socializing (that wasnt forced on her) for almost two years now she doesnt respond to friends texts either and they end up texting me to see if shes okay ive done some catering jobs but also havent been able to get my shit together and move out but i dont make dark statements about never getting better doing this forever and destroying my life on purpose, she says she has no plans of moving out and shes glad to stay home and let her life fall apart if that means it makes my dad miserable because she blames him for all of her lifes problems. Regardless of the toxic family dynamic we have all been trying to go to family therapy and work on things. mostly because we are stuck living with each other and also to see if she ever plans on living on her own again or making strides forward (she has a masters in physical therapy and a bachelors degree and used to have a good circle of friends) she just recently discovered shes a little bit on the autism spectrum but overall she is competent and doesnt really need to be reliant on my parents for the rest of her life and their lives but she refuses to put in the work to at least not let this be her whole life... the other night i was venting about all of this to a friend over the phone in my room and complained about how everything in this family has always been about my sister and my dad my whole life how to help him be less mad and abusive how to help her not be depressed (not that i could even help i was the youngest and out of my depth but thats how i thought about things) and i complained to this friend that no one ever cares how im doing that im also lost and confused and overwhelmed its just assumed im fine because i didnt have this trauma and ive never tried to kill myself... she heard this convo and the next day when i asked how she was she responded i dont know why you care if you hate how everything is always about me basically passive aggressively shitting on me for confiding to my friend about how i feel and using it against me i got mad stormed out and havent talked to her since... well then today we talk and she says something i didnt hear and i was looking at my phone and she goes "and now shes not going to respond because she hates me" or "shes mad at me" this is a new thing she does too like in 3rd person she describes what she assumes im actually thinking and feeling at me because in her mind shes just "speaking the truth" and i just snap i go off on her im screaming name calling cursing belittling her and telling her you want me to yell at you you like it youre practically begging for it you poke me and you poke mom and you hope we will lose it on you to prove what horrible people we are and she just stays calm smugly watches me lose my mind and says you honestly give me too much credit im not an evil mastermind and its like i dont think youre an evil master mind but i think you poke people to set them off i realize my anger is its own problem and its fucked up that i lost my shit but i just cant handle her crap anymore my dad leaves for weeks at a time for work and because he knows hes the bad guy in the house and my mom is too filled with guilt because my sister has made it clear to her that she sees my mom as being a bad mother so sometimes it feels like im the only one who is not afraid to fight her or call her out on her bullshit and be like listen no one is saying your trauma and your hardships arent real but you cant do nothing for the rest of your life and sit in your misery while passive aggressively making everyone else around you as miserable as you are to punish them for not having been better parents or good people in your eyes ... none of this has anything to do with ocd i just have no one to talk to and feel guilty for losing my temper mostly and i am still mad i guess i ended up getting in my car and driving off i honestly am at the point were i just need to get away from her and her energy and i am mad at myself for letting her snide comments get to me that much i dont like that side of myself but i can only handle petty comments so much im just mad in general at her im mad shes like chosen this destructive absent life where she just watches tv all day and then makes passive aggressive comments at people ... at first i felt bad for her shes been through harder shit than me she tried to kill herself her relationship with our father has been way worse and so i justified her self destructive habits and made excuses for her but now i am just full of rage and i guess im mad at myself too because ive let my own life go to crap in the process and used her problems as a distraction

I’ve been dealing with a backdoor spike the past couple months. I’m trying to be patient with myself, but I’m so upset I just want to cry. I was doing really good, but now this obsession plagues me all day. It hits me first thing in the morning and I hate waking up. I know how to do ERP, but for whatever reason, it’s SO much harder to spot and resist compulsions for this new obsession! Please don’t give me reassurance, but yeah, has anyone overcome a backdoor spike that lasted this long? It’s made my depression worse. I want to cry right now. It’s my brother’s birthday and I’m just so upset and on edge due to this discomfort. 😢