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the NOCD Community

TW I don't think God's gonna help me.....what I did I can't get over. My feelings aren't gonna change and the shitty thing it was basically an accident....I didn't hurt the cat on purpose and the damage is done, I can't get over the fact......the devil got me...... and no it wasn't molestation or anything it was a 2 second check but the damage is done.....the cat felt something!!!!....God why???.....I am just a mentally ill dipshit that the devil got.

*NSFW* Is it wrong to have more of a responsive desire? I love the idea of intimacy with my boyfriend and I love fantasizing about him but when it comes down to actually being in front of each other I get so shy and feel so awkward. Which means he usually always has to initiate, but once it starts it feels great and I love how close we are to each other. However I struggle a lot to do things on my own such as caressing him, kissing anything that’s not his mouth, and just being able to pleasure him in general. Even when he’s pleasuring me I feel like I’m under a spotlight and just very awkward and insecure. It makes me feel terrible because I know he feels like I don’t want him and I know I shouldn’t be insecure because he always reassures me and makes me feel comfortable but it’s just so out of my element. He’s the first person I’ve been intimate with and so I honestly have no clue what I’m doing and I don’t go outside my comfort zone because I get scared of doing something wrong. What makes it worse is that for so long I thought it was normal for the guy to do all the work and it’s not. We’ve been dating for over a year and I feel like our intimacy should be better by now but obviously not if I felt this way and couldn’t put it into words. My anxiety from ocd and overthinking doesn’t help either. He left 5 months ago to the military and I didn’t know how to place this feeling into words until after he left and so I feel stuck. I hate this because my so-ocd tries to attack this aspect of my life to convince me I don’t actually enjoy intimacy with my partner, and that the reason I’m so hesitant is because my “true nature” is to be with a girl. I don’t want to be with a girl, I only want to grow a strong physical bond with my partner and him only. In those few moments where I can let go of my worries I feel so close to him and I love it, but I’m scared it’s only because he gives me pleasure and not because I’m attracted to him. Is this normal when you’re first starting out? :(

I feel so anxious and desperate right now, because I feel like my brain is telling me “why are you going to therapy/posting in this app, when these might be your intentions”. And I hate it because sometimes I’m sure that I wouldn’t do anything, but it’s like it doesn’t matter, my brain will still tell me to consider doing my thoughts. It’s like my brain is questioning everything I think/feel. Now I don’t know what’s gonna happen next and I’m disturbed.

What are urges in OCD? For example in Harm OCD? I’m kind of confused

Yesterday for erp I tried watching lesbian tiktoks and now I had the thought that maybe I actually liked the videos and honestly I just feel like crying I don’t know how to keep fighting this anymore. I think girls are often more attractive than guys, and I thought it was because girls do their makeup and their hair and get dressed while guys don’t really groom and now my brain is trying to tell me it’s because I actually do like girls. I hate the idea of being with a girl, hate the idea of making out with one and being with one for the rest of my life feels like a prison sentence that I’m just going to have to face. Why does this have to be so difficult? I wish I could let it go and just say “Who cares if I do?” but I care so much because I just don’t want that for me. I don’t want to come home to a woman. I gave into a compulsion and I looked up “ How do I know if I’m attracted to girls?” And one of the signs was that you’re touchy feely with girls and now my mind is trying to convince me I was too touchy feely with an old best friend but I was just comfortable around her. I hate the idea of kissing her or being intimate with her and I have no desire to get to know her romantically. The attraction to girls feels real now and I hate it I do, there’s no excitement just so much anxiety and hurt and I feel like crying. Girls are like fairies, but I still don’t want it for myself but that feels like a lie and it feels like I don’t want to be with a guy when I do. I love my boyfriend with everything I have, I just want to be with him and love him and enjoy intimacy with him but now I have to question if that’s real or just a cover for my lesbianism. I miss when I could say “She’s pretty” about girls at school or “Wow she’s hot” for celebrity females without wondering if it means I’m secretly in denial. I wish I could learn to accept it if I am bi or lesbian but it’s so hard because I just don’t want it for myself. I want to come home to my partners broad chest and warm arms, not a female who smells too sweet with a body too much like mine. I don’t want to wake up every day and see a girl next to me and I don’t want to be anywhere near a naked female body. I just feel like I’ve gone backwards in progress or like maybe I really am in denial and maybe my attraction is real. I used to admire girls and wanted to be like them , now it feels like that was all attraction. I’m sorry for this rant, I’ve been struggling so much and it feels like I’m going to lose everything I wanted.

TW God doesn't like me.....I haven't been able to sleep for 2 months because of something that happened......can't change it.....Its like God or the devil lined that day up for something bad to happen.....SMFH!!!! Some here would even judge me....I talked about it and somebody did judge me.....and they didn't even fully understand it...but its true... there does need to be judgement I assume.......God COMPLETELY lined that day up for me to have a severe intrusive thought in the heat of the moment.....

in what ways can i ben there for someone who vents a lot (ocd wise)? i started with empathetic responses and saying how i’m sorry they’re having to go through all this. but now it’s a daily thing (and has been for a few weeks) and i just don’t know what to do. i’m at the point where i’m always trying to figure out solutions and ‘fix’ it (which makes me feel guilty). this persons problems are now mine too and i don’t know how to explain to them that i’m not able to help. like i literally don’t know what to say. i’m not a therapist. and i can’t keep using the ‘this sounds very difficult’ phrase over and over again. but i also don’t want to set boundaries and tell them i can’t help them. that just feels mean. and i’m also scared because they’re really struggling and need support, and if i stop helping them, who knows what could happen. i’ve shared links and stories and posts and accounts with them. and i let them vent and explain. it’s just a bit exhausting. and in addition to all this, i feel so guilty and anxious for being ‘annoyed’ by it because that’s not what an empathetic person would feel :(((

this is the second therapist i’ve tried for nocd erp. the last one i left because she yelled at me when i got triggered after she said she thought that i was straight. now the same thing happened minus the yelling. my therapist now said that the way i phrased things made it sound like i am straight (and i don’t want to be this). i want to die honestly. the coincidence of this happening twice? it’s obvious that i’m straight and in denial. the fact that two licensed therapists even feel so. i should just go out and sleep with a man or something just to hurt myself. but whatever i’d probably enjoy it anyway since i’m lying to myself.

Not ocd related but lately I feel like one of my friends has been dragging me down. Whenever we text I feel like she dictates what we talk about and when we see each other in person all she does is talk about herself and her problems , but if I try bringing something about myself she’ll give a very short response or just ignore me. She’s been going through a lot and I understand so I hear her out and I try to give her advice when she asks for it, but lately it’s like she picks and chooses what to hear and if we’re not talking about her she won’t answer. Usually this doesn’t bother me and I’m okay with it but it’s been so much of it lately that I feel kind of fed up. She’s a good friend and I’m happy she can confide in me, but I also have myself going on and I wish she’d be more considerate of that. Any advice ?

I’m dealing with intrusive thoughts/images of me hurting my family. They’ve been like hell, and they bother me all the time, it’s like someone was telling me all the time “hurting your family”. I can’t shut it off, and the worse is that sometimes I can’t even tell if I want to do those thoughts or not. It feels like a constant burden in my head, it scares me, it’s like someone put horrible thoughts in my head. I can’t get rid of them, and I’m afraid they’re turning me into a bad person. I can’t even recognize myself.

March 22, 2021 My boyfriend broke down on me yesterday. He cried in front of the for the first time and I wish it could have woken something in me but it didn’t. All I did was comfort him and then feel like a horrible person. All he’s wanted was my intimacy. All he’s yearned for is my attention and I feel terrible for pushing him away to the point where he just doesn’t feel like he knows what to do anymore. I feel for him I really do but I don’t expect my OCD to just magically disappear on me. The irony is that I thought that if he did something along those lines, I’d instantly change. I’d be drawn back to my reality and magically all my thoughts would vanish into thin air. Yet, I still don’t know if he’s cheating on me the way my OCD says. I still don’t know if he’s talking to his ex, I still don’t know if there will be a forever like we tell ourselves we did. What I do know is that I asked he didn’t reassure me, I told him that I wanted to prove to one another that we love each other by doing just that: love. I told him how the past year I loved him out of fear and that every time he thinks there’s something wrong with me, I feel like he’s knocking on my former selfs door. It sucks but I realized through feeling like the worst person in the world that feeling sorry for myself isn’t going to change me. This love would never change me. Getting ready for the “pain” I believed I was going to get through his cheating and then looking at his exes social media so “lessen” the pain isn’t going to stop it from hurting. By having things the way I always envisioned wasn’t going t stop me from looking into to reasons as to why I don’t deserve these things. I understand he needed to do some healing from things on his end but I need to pull my own weight. I don’t want to see him that frustrated, I don’t want to see him cry but I also can’t carry that on my shoulders as proof that I should change. I love him and want the best for him but change doesn’t come from feeling guilty. I’ve neglected him and have been so back and forth with my feelings; I’ve been just as unfair to him as I’ve been to myself. I draw the line here and I’m making my choice now: I love him and I’ll stay with him. I’m not going to expect this relationship to change me but I want change for myself so today I quit old habits. I ask that whatever I think I need I let go because what I have, who I have in front of me is enough. I’m comfortable not knowing what may or may not happen, I’m okay and know that I’ll heal from whatever I need to but I can’t force someone to grow with me. I’ll make those hard decisions when I need to and not kill myself by thinking I need to do everything now. I’m sorry beloved for holding you hostage to my black and white thinking that way and I’m sorry I let your past ruin some great moments. I don’t want to be your ex, I want to be me with you and although I don’t know what will happen (and I’m okay with that) in our future, I know now that I’ve let it ruin me too long. I understand it must be hard but change isn’t easy. Letting go isn’t easy but I don’t expect myself to forget and that’s okay. I look back with patients and love. The way I looked at you yesterday. The way I will always try to look at myself with. Life is chaotic and I really don’t like confrontations like these but this is all a part of growth. I’m glad I got this uncomfortable and fearful, it helps me realize that I can still do my best with these feelings hanging over my head. But I still choose to look up regardless of the weather.

I get no help from anyone

I have to gag myself with my toothbrush 8 times every morning before brushing my teeth or I feel like something bad will happen. Any one else do things like this?

OCD is ruining my life, if I was brave enough I would of ended it by now, this isn't me saying I'm going to end my life by the way I just needed to get it out there.

the worst thought i get is “i can see why people are attracted to men” when i see a picture of an attractive man. to me that just sounds like i’m a closeted person who doesn’t know herself . like that’s exactly what i would say to myself before i realized my attraction to women. does anyone relate to thinking something similar like i can see why people are attracted to a certain gender? also i love u all but if ur straight please don’t comment on this asking me to tell u if ur gay. i can’t do that. i often don’t post on here using male specific terms because i’m afraid of that happening.

something weird has been happening lately. my hocd has been changing. lately whenever i get hocd thoughts i’ll just think (without making myself) “yeah so what?” or something along those lines. for example, if i get a thought like “wow they’re hot.” i’ll be like omg what!! i don’t want to feel that way about them!! and my immediate thought after will be “ehhh, well... they’re hot and i want to have sex with them and i don’t even care because it’s obvious.” i just think stuff like that without even wanting to. and even after i’m like “there’s no denying i like them at this point.” and i don’t get anxiety. so i think this is real. pls don’t comment anything triggering thanks

My partner asked me today what do I want to do? He means do you think you can be in a relationship and get help? He told me if you’re not happy I don’t want you to force yourself to be with me. It broke my heart.... I just want my relationship back to normal... I told him I don’t wanna break up with him even now my head is screaming you’re a lier... 😞 it’s killing me badly... I know I can’t force love but I know I still love him a lot even though I can’t feel it right now.. but I know my love for him is in there. I felt it recently even if it was for a moment. I was happy and could say I know I love him. He is scared though... 😞 What if I am in this relationship for the wrong reasons... 😞 I am scared.... I’ve never felt like this before for my partner.... 😞 I don’t want my relationship to be a memory... 😢 this has to be ocd... just a few days ago I cried asking my friend if my partner is gonna break up with me... why would I care if I didn’t love him... 😞

I feel extremely deflated and hopeless. My entire life, up until covid, I have been happy, & a mentally healthy person. I’m currently 16, and turn 17 very soon. Ever since I was roughly 14 (and well before developing OCD) I’ve wanted to pursue a career in psychology. As I’ve grown and researched degrees and various careers in psychology, I’ve decided that (at this time) working up to a career in clinical psychology is what I really want to do. Recently, I’ve been doing extensive research into the pathway you have to take to become a clinical psychologist, hearing from people who are trainee clinical psychologists, etc, etc. I live in the UK, and here, you do 2 years of ‘A levels’ before you go to university. I currently study psychology, and I have excelled in the subject, actually surpassing everyone else in my faculty according to my teachers. This was a huge reinforcement for me to pursue this career at university. In the least boastful way, I’m pretty sure I’m a good student, and have achieved A* (A+ if you’re from elsewhere) so far in all of the subjects I take. Because of this, I felt even more empowered and confident in pursuing this career in clinical psych. As I said at the start, I have always been outgoing, happy & mentally healthy, a bit of a worrier - but that’s it. Then, covid hit and I developed health OCD that gradually forked into different themes that were considerably worse. So, now to the point of the post: I was watching a video of two trainee psychologists who were answering Q&A questions, and someone had asked whether they could pursue a career in psychology whilst having chronic and severe mental illness - my OCD can be bad at times, but is definitely not ‘severe’ in relation to the experiences of others and doesn’t intervene with my functioning, but is definitely a big issue for me - and it has been severe in the past. These trainee clinical psychologists had essentially said that ‘lived experience is a huge benefit’, BUT that ‘if it will intervene with the way you provide support for your patients that it is probably not the best option’ - this stunted me... what if this will be an issue for me? It’s important to remember that I’m only 16, and it takes many, many years to become a clinical psychologist and it’s absurd to assume that i’ll be in the same place I am now, then, all the way to then. But this trailed into me thinking that I’m not worthy and that I’ll never be in a place where I could support other people in a clinical setting. And then I started to think that the fact I’m doubting myself now is irrefutable evidence that I will never be okay enough to help people - which is my life goal. So, I feel very bad at the moment. Has anyone else had this secondary experience with OCD? I.e. feeling like you’re not good enough, etc. If you’ve read this far, thank you so much!

I have a question about an ERP exercise: It‘s a podcast about a coming-out story with a woman my age, to who I probably will relate and identify with a lot. This stresses me out so much and before even listening to it I know I want to get answers and I am expecting answers and relief to my sorrows. So how do I listen to it as an erp-exercise? How do I make listening to it not a compulsion?

Any Christians can you plz pray for me. I am absolutely distraught. This is tearing me apart. I have Scrupolosity and I am just absolutely broken down by it. I feel like I'm in the middle of a mental tornado. I feel hopeless, even tho we should be full of hope because of God. I can't seem to forgive my family for the past and I fear that God is so angry at me for not being able to forgive them. Bcos we should forgive. I talk to God about it all the time and I don't want to lie to Him and say I have forgiven them when inside in my heart I haven't. I am distraught. I don't know what I am doing wrong that things won't get better in my recovery 😢😢😢it must be my fault. Please please pray for me. 🙏🙏🙏