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Having HOCD and being a parent hurts. It’s like I can no longer watch my own child.

I have been in a severe OCD episode since about July that has only gotten worse each month that goes by. I even did a partial hospitalization program and IOP from August-September. I am starting to feel hopeless. I am at the worst point in my OCD right now and have been have had serious fights with my boyfriend around it that is pushing him further and further away. My OCD targets him and my biggest fear is that I will lose him and my fear is starting to come true. I haven’t heard from him all day following our like 6th fight and I my anxiety is through the roof. I texted/called him like 10 times. Nothing can even distract me I am so worried I feel sick.

HELP ASAP!! When I was 7 I had a sleep over with my friend, I’m now 15, when he was sleeping I pulled down his pants a little bit to see what his butt looked like and I can’t remember but I might have touched the butt to se what it felt like. I then went to sleep, but I can’t remember if I touched the hurt I definitely pulled the pants down a bit to look but can’t remember if I touched. Does this mean I abused or assaulted him, or that I’m a bad person, or a sex predator, or even child predator for doing this once when I was 7. I feel so bad about it I can sleep and have lost all motivation, am I a bad person, am I a predator, or did I assault him? This is killing me am I a bad person or abuser please help??!!

Yesterday I watched the movie A Beautiful Mind and I thought, is there a fine line between OCD and schizophrenia? Just a genuine question.. what do you guys think?

How was your day today? How’s skl/uni/work?

Maybe it's my impatience. I do ERP (pictures, loop tapes etc.) and I've sat with anxiety and it got easier to do. But my thinking outside of ERP gets worse by the second. Right now my mind is in overdrive to convince me. And the loss of attraction shit (including focusing on old women) has made it worse. I am completely doubting HOCD. I am hopeless, depressed and utterly traumatized. I dont think I have anything left.

I have pure-o and I’m a Christian. My recent fear was worrying my child would die. That turned to what if I abandon my faith. Next was what if Christianity is all a lie...I’m stuck. I’ve tried all my strategies. I can’t even pray or read Scripture normally bc I feel like my brain and heart are disconnected. Anyone have any pointers?

For those who paid to use NOCD how was it what was it?

I had a thought today and it's making me spiral...it was .."what if my compulsions aren't actually compulsions and I'm willingly thinking of the thoughts and feelings but just using it as an excuse to deny my orientation?" I don't know what to do it's driving me crazy. Can someone please help

I’m currently seeing a therapist (not on NOCD) and I’m worried she doesn’t really understand what she’s doing, as my OCD doesn’t seem to be getting better. However I’m worried if I see a therapist who does ERP, that they’ll tell me I don’t really have OCD and that I’ll find out all my thoughts are true. I don’t know what to do, should I stop seeing this therapist? Is ERP terrifying?

Avoidance. Its not about stopping myself from things, its mustering the courage to do basic stuff. Ita gotten so bad I can't even put on socks or have showers. I'm missing out on life, and truly I've been missing life lately. It all is so completely ridiculous. I want to go for a hike. I want to do zumba and yoga. I want to build a strong and healthy body. I want to experiment with cooking and learn to play the piano. But all I do is avoid. I do find support in "what would you do if you didn't have anxiety/ocd", but even if I know what I would do, I can't seem to be able to follow through. It feels impossible. My life has become empty and I'm not functioning anymore. How are you all doing? And how do you feel about avoidance?

I'm freaking out rn. When I was able to accept uncertainty, I was able to see my thoughts without bias. Gradually, my anxiety subsided to the thoughts. But when my anxiety subsided, my brain gave me a bunch of proofs from my childhood that I was bisexual/lesbian all along (to be honest a lot of them are BS proofs, but maybe they might mean something ??? ). There some small proofs that make me really anxious and I really wanna go to Google because I feel like it's real. Idk what to doo. I don't feel much anxiety and I wanna give in and search because not having anxiety makes the thoughts seem real. But like if I search and i see relief that's its ocd then i will be trapped again. But also if I found out that Im not really straight then i might freaking spiral again. But it is also difficult not to give in and find an answer because i don't have anxiety to the thoughts, then maybe it's real??? It's like I've accepted myself that I'm changing... What do I do? Is it ocd trying to pull me in? Or is this real? I can't distinguish, but sometimes it feel like the latter. Sometimes there is also some clarity that it's just a bunch of random thoughts stored in my brain to give me anxiety. Is this even ocd, or is this an identity crisis?? I'm not asking for reassurance, please give me an advice.

My confessions - please reply - so last year when I was 17 i guess I accedently gone tona child porn website. After seeing it for sometime and realizing it is illegal and bad thing I came suddenly out it. After some time I remember I masturbated to what I saw. I don't know why I did that. Maybe because of my hypersexuality or maybe because of when I was a kid I always search for girls my age. So maybe it was curiosity. I never remember enjoying what i saw. From that day I got into immense guilt and depression. That is when I remembered a childhood experimentation I did when I was a kid myself. I developed real Event OCD. It lasted for two months. After some time I somehow got recovered from it. After that I was at church. There was a girl who was around 13 standing in the church. She was wearing a tight pants. I suddenly looked at her bottom and that is when I asked myself the question did I looked the girl at the same way I look at a adult? Am I attracted to her? I suddenly remembered some events similar to this happened in the past but I never felt sexuak arousal for kids and I never fantasized sexually about a kid in my life. I masturbated to adult porn all my life.but I am really worried. If I am capable of being aroused of a child porn, does that mean I am capable of harming a child is what the thought that is hearing in my head. When ever I see a kid I just ask myself weather am I attracted to her. I am suffering from immense anxiety and guilt. I had dreams like starting my own family one day and having kids . Now I feel like I should just keep it as a dream.when I see a petite women who is my age I suddenly feel like if I am attracted to her that means I am attracted to a kid because they both are having exactly the same body and thoughts like this makes me feel immense guilt m.i forgot how much happy my life was before I get this thoughs. I am not looking for sympathy. I know a monster like me do not deserve any sympathy. If some one who is suffered from child Abuse sees this, I am sorry. I know I am not deserve to be forgiven for what I did. But I promise it was out of accident and curiosity. I feel like only dying would make this pain go. I no longer feel like me.i am not rich enough to afford a theraphy and I would appreciate if anyone reading this could give me any advice . Thankyou

For people who suffer from ROCD: What's your relationship with avoidance? how do you cope with avoiding seeing your partner/talking to them, etc?

I always thought people had this advantage that I didn’t have. Thinking people had it all figured out, I’ve always felt left out as if though these individuals were hiding their secrets of a happy life from me. When I look at the past, I get angry. I let too much slide and in viewing others through my lens I realized how content and ready to live they were. When I meet my boyfriend I realized how much I cling on to information to save me. I’ve always felt like if I knew everything about his past, about his ex, and about him and what he was doing I could somehow have that power over the situation, over this relationship. So I consumed as much as their media I could find, even though it was triggering to see their relationship unfold throughout the years, I convinced myself that it was absolutely critical. Spending hours scrolling and any time I had looking at their accounts but it dawned on me today something I never considered: We all don’t know what going to happen. Right now I keep looking around at my coworkers thinking to myself, they all probably feel the same way I do. Lost, confused, and maybe even a little anxious about the future. Truth is, by knowing everything in the past, I won’t ever know what this world holds for me. I just can’t and no one else can either. It wouldn’t matter if I thought it would have somehow prevented her from coming back into his life, stalking her social media and anxiously wondering what’s she’s planning is just something up in the air as much as any other possibility. A possibility I can’t predict. A possibility I won’t be able to somehow prevent. And I think that’s my source of my OCD. Obsessively wanting to know all the details about something/someone, doing my research, and hoping that I can somehow escape all the bad that WILL happen. But like you, I don’t know what WILL happen. It made so much sense in my head though, it even sounded simple: Dedicate your LIFE to preventing the (bad) future. And it always has to be bad because of course it does. I can’t, I will not hold onto that idea anymore. It’s causing me my life and my time and my happiness. The happiness I can have now. Even if I could prevent something I’d only be more afraid and want to do it again thus creating this cycle of fear. I need to start practicing not knowing and being okay with that. I’m not missing anything. I don’t need what I tell myself I need. I’m certainly not the revenge plot in someone’s timeline nor am I being left out like I’ve always felt like I was. I simply don’t know, just like everyone else and I feel like everyone else, and I have needs like everyone else. My life is much more than where this relationship will take us. Of course I love him and no one ever wants to loose our loves but I can no longer devote my life to trying to prevent something. That my form of self sabotage. What’s happening now is important and I can’t think that’s she’s pulling some strings behind the scenes and live in the fear that they both plan to break my heart. I’m gonna take the first step and take a chance and continue to be happy in my relationship, going against the fear that I should always keep an eye out.

Hello everyone this is my first time writing on here and I’m really scared to even say something because I have never had proper help with ocd or been diagnosed but I’ve been dealing with severe ocd since 2017 now. I just want to get better but it feels like there is no way out at times. My most common are sexual thoughts or pocd or ocd related to my family, sexual or harm. Yesterday my niece was at my house and I adore her to bits but over the past year I’ve become very distant with her and I don’t like hugging her or touching her or just being close to her. It makes my heart break because she is everything to me and I have to push her away when she comes to hug me. Yesterday I tried to get over it and play with her again so I hugged her and sat by her side with my head on her shoulder but a sudden urge came into my mind and it was so disgusting. I kept thinking I would touch her inappropriately or without her consent and that thoughts just took over my mind. This will sound so stupid but my thumb or fist was on her back and I had a thought that it was wrong to touch her so I pulled away but the thoughts came rushing back and I let my fist be placed in that same position again. I feel so disgusted I know it’s nothing and this sounds completely insane but I feel like I’ve done something disgusting and touched her in a inappropriate way and I havent been able to get over it because it feels like I let the thoughts win and they made me do it? What if it isn’t ocd? I’m feeling like I just can’t get through the night please tell me if real event ocd happens to you guys and how to deal with it? Is this ocd or am I just this disgusting person who did something to her? I keep replaying the moment in my head but all of it is fuzzy and I can rationalize it. I just feel disgusting.

These last few days I've been having panic attacks related to POCD symptoms and suddenly I keep feeling the urge to look at kids. It freaks me out and makes me sick to my stomach and so upset because I got rid of that urge for quite awhile and now I feel back at step one.

I do get anxious that medications specifically ocd medication would make me an addict and I won’t be able to stop them lol ( probably one of the reasons I haven’t been to therapy)

So I haven’t worked in almost a year but I’m starting my job Wednesday.. I’m incredibly nervous because my OCD and anxiety is still pretty bad, but constantly thinking about my theme and trying to figure it out is one of my biggest compulsions so I hope that getting out of the house and having a job/structure helps :(

I’ve felt like crying the last 2 days because of things that have happened in the past. I’m not sure if it’s my ocd that keeps reminding me or just part of the healing process as it happened 10 yrs ago but I found out in February of 2020. I want to be past it but it still hurts sometimes.