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the NOCD Community

I just want live normal life as other teens. I am really so exhausted. Sorry for this, but i dunno what to do at this point anymore. I dont know how to bare

God.. i don't know what to do? I'm not suicidal... i'm not. But ever since i had a bad reaction caused by the wellbutrin my doctor gave me I was petrified i'd get these thoughts again... they scared me, i didn't like them! i don't want to die, i have health anxiety and contamination OCD for gods sake..Ill randomly be sitting in my bed and say i'm in my zoom class and my teacher is like "i'll see you all next week!" my mind is like "no you won't, i won't be here i'll be 6 feet underground" or my mom will talk about how we have to go to the grocery store in a few days and my mind will go "if i make it that long.." and they feel so real till my health anxiety comes into play and i get major major MAJOR intrusive images about my heart shipping and i freak out cause i don't want to die but I keep getting these thoughts as if i would take my own life... i'm on zoloft right now after switching from wellbutrin and the first week and a half i saw major improvement and then all of a sudden i woke up 3 days ago to this intrusive thought of me committing suicide and ever since then my brain has been stuck on it... i'm not suicidal but i'm so confused... is this OCD? I don't want my mom to think i'm suicidal cause i'm not...

For SOOCD, how do you deal with obsessions revolving around arousal you’ve felt or experiences you’ve had, I feel like that’s harder to counter I.e. I’m more turned on by women in porn than men. I’ve kissed boys and felt nothing. That’s a fact, how can I say I have ocd when I know that to be true?

so exhausted. so sick of these thoughts. i just wake up everyday feeling like l am inherently evil and inherently bad. l dont want to harm others l would never want to... but my brain tells me l do and my brain tells me l even get PLEASURE from the thought. l am exhausted. sometimes the obsessions get so bad that no compulsion can help. compulsions sometimes help to wipe away these thoughts. l almost wish l could develop one for my harmOCD. l cant do this anymore. l need someone to tell me it isnt real. l am so sick of people on the internet thinking that OCD is fun in anyway. That intrusive thoughts are fun and silly. People even make TRENDS out of intrusive thoughts. Everyone has intrusive thoughts sometimes. Everyone. This disorder can make you completely convince yourself that not only are you capable of doing horrible things but it gives you false memories that you have already done them. Makes you feel like you are in psychosis and have no control. l wish it was fun. l am so tired.

Can someoene recommend me an ERP? My brain is going crazy tbh. It is trying to convince me I like someone I already decided I didn't just because they like me.... My compulsions are checking their IG to make sure I don't like them, imagining scenarios, ruminating over thoughts, tryimg to gage my attraction etc. I'm afraid this is real bc it's not bad for it to be... Its not illegal, im not gay, etc. i just dont even know how to do ERP for this. Please help :(

I feel like I am a hypocrite. When people come to me for advice when they are scared I tell them to trust in Jesus and pray and it looks like I have no faith in Jesus when I get scared. Dear God forgive me, I love you, and I trust in you. Help us all to trusting you, your mercy, and your grace. In Jesus’s name amen

Can someone please just talk to me and try and interpret what I’m about to say? I don’t have a therapist, and it’s hard to talk to my parents without irritating them. Okay, hi. I’ve been really good with my OCD recently, feeling genuinely happy after a long time of being completely overwhelmed. I’ve had this OCD theme for a while now, it’s basically obsessions with the idea that I could be autistic, but just not being aware of it. Despite not aligning with most if not all of the criteria for autism in females, I can’t help but obsess over whether I’m autistic without knowing, and this terrifies me. I’m not even sure why it scares me so much, I think it’s because I value my ability to communicate and I actually like blending in with crowd.. I guess, and OCD loves to attack what we value most. I understand that someone reading this will probably be confused and unsure about why I even have this theme, but I’m asking myself the same question. It has terrified me. I think it stems primarily from the fact that I heard somewhere that female autism goes undetected or the individual is usually unaware that they have it, and a billion other things that could possibly relate to me (such as the OCD-autism relation) This sent me spinning. I’ve been panicking and searching endlessly for certainty for a long time at this point. It ebbs and flows, when I’m in a period of low anxiety, the OCD obsession seems absurd and I can finally sit with myself and hang out with my friends. I’ve known people (girls) in the past who I suspect had autism, and having been friends with them, it’s just a crutch for my anxiety to latch onto - “well if you hanged out with them, that MUST say something about you”. Ugh. And my grandad had aspergers. Both my parents clearly don’t have it though, and none of my other immediate relatives do. But still, the chance I could have gotten the gene is just eating away at me. I had a bit of a breakdown recently where I scraped the internet reading EVERY single female autism article I could, X’ing off the checklist in my head, but of course, with OCD if you look, you tend to find. Deep into my OCD fuelled research I found an article. It was a personal account of a female with aspergers, where she listed about 50 traits that she finds females tend to have. Of course, out of a list of 50 different traits, it’s not outlandish to assume that you’ll identify with a few and still not be autistic. So, that happened. I can’t remember what traits exactly, but I’m fairly sure they weren’t particularly unusual things, and I remember thinking that I knew of others who did these things, but this woman still listed them. I panicked. And started to get that familiar feeling of dread, and here I am. Writing an essay in the hopes that someone will say “I’ve had that theme too!!”, even though I’m aware that thats unlikely. If you read up to this point, (wow you have patience) thank you. Genuinely.

How much in total does NOCD cost all said and done?

Anyone else here been dealing with SOOCD for over a year at least and just now getting treatment? I'm finding this is really scary. Like I've let myself believe my thoughts as true in the back of my head for so long that I'm struggling to trust erp and I'm struggling to believe in the values/person I felt I was before ocd. I know it's not my goal to get back to before, but I struggle to even believe the best parts of my relationship were genuine in the past.:/

Im scared there is no way back for me 😥

I’m scared. I don’t know what to do anymore. I feel so anxious and depressed. I feel so guilty and ashamed. I can’t do this anymore...I need help but I’m scared to get help in fear of being misunderstood. I’ve been misunderstood for so long by my mom she doesn’t get it. She screams at me and makes me feel worse. She talks to me like I’m a disappointment which I know I am. My dad was the only person I could talk to about everything and he passed away a month ago. I wish I could just talk to him about what’s going on and I can’t and it’s driving me crazy. I know it’s the confession that’s a big no no but he could help me through it. I’m scared. I’m absolutely terrified by my intrusive thoughts and so on. I don’t know what to do anymore. I give up. I feel so alone. I don’t know how to move forward. I feel like an evil part of myself is trying to take over. I’m so sorry for ranting I just really need help

Hi guys, I’m new here but I’ve really been needing it do I actually suffer with ocd? I’ve been told I overreact which makes me think, but I know I’m straight or that’s what I want to be anyways and I can’t seem to stop thinking and fearing of becoming a lesbian or attracted to another sex, and everytime I tell myself that I’m straight I worry and it makes me feel very uncomfortable same with my relationship I feel as if “do I love my partner” can someone help with tips?

I keep finding that everything is making me horny. Anything that reminds me of sex. For 1 I’m on my period so I get it. But I’m usually only horny thinking of my partner or if there is a sex scene not like if I see someone attractive online and I feel so guilty about it because I know this just isn’t me like I don’t feel like this on a daily... Yet this is how I am feeling now. Not sure if it is a groinal response thing or real arousal because I am over-sexualizing everything. I think because I am thinking of it, it is happening more but it’s been automatic and I don’t know why I am so horny.. I just don’t understand And I’m ruminating so much.

does anyone get intrusive thoughts about their heart / health? i'm overweight so i'm always worried about my health but... recently i've been eating out a lot because my mom and i haven't had time to go to the grocery store, most of the time it isn't too bad of food, usually salads or chicken sandwiches but tonight i treated myself to a burger because yknow f*ck it... and all of a sudden i got these major intrusive images of my heart literally exploding... this happens a lot when my "health anxiety" is high and i refuse to eat when i'm alone, i don't eat after a certain time and sometimes i won't eat properly for days... is this anxiety or is this a subtype for OCD? I'm genuinely curious as it's a major factor for my panic attacks sometimes....!!! any links or info would be greatly appreciated !

I feel so drained, I’ve been having sexually intrusive thoughts about my daughter. I keep telling myself what if I did this or that and it makes me think I did do something harmful towards her when I know I haven’t. Ugh I hate my ocd it’s always playing with my mind and makes me feel like a bad mom :(

Is it possible for someone dealing with HOCD to experience loss of attraction to women and lower libido? And if anyone has also experienced this, what things have helped you deal with this?

Hi everyone. I hope you are all well. As for me, I've been 8 days clean without my addiction and while it's really hard to ignore the urges and stopping myself mid way in engaging with them completely, I've been trying my best. I've been doing great lately and I hope everyone else has been getting better. I've been in a very good mood. I just wanted to take some time to share some advice that has helped me when it comes to OCD. I hope this can be of use for anyone that stumbled upon this post. :) 1. Calming down and letting the anxiety pass: It's usually not a good idea to judge yourself under the feelings of anxiety when it comes to thoughts. Anxiety can be a response in the body that leaves the brain unable to think critically. On one hand you may feel very horrible in the moment but as it passes, you may feel better, and you may even be able to sit with the thoughts. In the same way you are not your thoughts, feelings do not mean facts. 2. Accepting the possibilities of the thoughts or whatever the thoughts throw at you: Always remember: Accepting is NOT agreeing with them. Big difference. If you agreed with the thoughts you wouldn't be so anxious over them. Think of it this way: if you are confident in being a straight person, would your OCD try to convince you that you are? No. Instead, it will try to convince you that you are the opposite. Your worry inducing response to the OCD can bring some positivity believe it or not. The fact that you feel so much shame/guilt/worry about the thought or past event alone shows you that you are met with OCD, a mental disorder. And that you've grown from your past self. HOWEVER, this should not be used as a compulsion in of itself. 3. Self compassion: Don't beat yourself up when it comes to OCD, no matter what theme. You're trying your best to get better and you have a community that is always here to help you one way or another. Your thoughts can get to bad places. It happens to everyone! You aren't alone. OCD's job is to convince you of the things you don't want to be true and it will try to distort everything it can think of. 4. Mindfulness. Staying in the moment always helps. Whenever your mind shifts to the past or the future, it helps to catch yourself doing it, and following these steps to bring yourself back. 5. DO NOT CHECK: Seriously, checking does nothing but make things worse. People check themselves with the use of very self destructive tendencies and after doing so, even if they feel they proved they aren't what they fear, they will then feel immense guilt for the simple fact that they gave into the compulsion alone. This can also be said about addictions. You are better off not engaging with them at all, even if your thoughts or urges tell you that it will take all the pain away. 6. It's never too late: I've learned that from what I've seen when it comes to people with OCD, whether it'd be something of the past, a thought that trembles them, a traumatic event that has happened, or low self-esteem, we can all get the help we very much deserve. I'm more than glad to have this community and to be with so many people that understand a struggle that is not exactly understood by society as a whole. Keep fighting, ladies and gentlemen. It won't last forever. :)

My bf and I are moving to another city next week and I find myself being more vulnerable to triggers this week. Suddenly stuff dealing with Sexuality scares me again even when it doesn't go against my own opinion/mindset. Also I tend to obsess over tiny things and questions every other day, like how to get a new passport or who needs to know my new address and how do I tell them. I feel easily overwhelmed by things that aren't that hard after all. I hope things will settle down once the move is done. Maybe I should do another media detox until then and try to only focus on the move and work.. do you guys have any tipps how to get through a stressful period without falling into a rumination trap?

This is just a rant :) I've realized I don't freaking know anything about attraction. Like how do I know if I have an attraction to someone? For me a big role comes in face value of the person. I am pretty picky with boys and I've always been comfortable with that idea because I promise you guys there are VERY FEW handsome men in my town (even my straight women/gay friends agree). Even my straight friends are more picky about men than me 😂. But, I'm also VERY insecure and I find a lot of women pretty/attractive (like even if you aren't that pretty, you would be "normal" for me because I don't care about women too much). Probably the biggest thing that contributed to my high standards with boys is the fact that I read and watch too many novels/series/kpop where there are tons of too good to be true boys in it (but also had crushes on boys who are not that particularly handsome, and i was fine with that). I've also only experienced the giddy feeling over boys, and I would fantasize about them every single night to help me sleep. I have always been at peace with my sexuality being heterosexual because I was happy with that. I didn't wanna rush into a relationship with a boy because I knew I can't find a nice man within my area so I was waiting until I go to college this year, but this stupid pandemic and HOCD happened. My friends and I always like to go outside and look for handsome men whenever there are functions and events, we never looked for "pretty" girls. Since this HOCD started, I kind of had a compulsion to look at other women and to test if I find them somehow pretty/attractive, and surprise surprise they were all "okay" or even pretty for me. Some even had nice clothes that I would like to wear (probably if it was 2 months ago, I would just be insecure about myself if I did find them attractive). Even when I was "straight", I didn't do that thing to boys because if I would find a boy attractive, then he is attractive. I don't have to test and compare them to other guys. I don't actually want to be with a girl because I am romantically and sexually attracted to men, but I keep having what-ifs. I did ERP pretty early on (this is my 2nd month of suffering) so I am not bothered by the thoughts anymore, making me think I'm just in denial. Everything that I do I would be so skeptical about my sexuality, if I find that man attractive then maybe I'm bi. If I don't find that man attractive, then maybe I'm bi. Like I don't even want to be bi, but I don't have the anxiety anymore. It feels like the anxiety was the only thing that was keeping me from becoming bisexual, and I don't want that. I don't even like boobs or vaginas 😭😭😭 It feels like I don't have a choice anymore because I'm not anxious 😭 It's also getting harder to fantasize about boys, it's very very upsetting. My attraction to boys somewhat came back, but it's not the same anymore. I'm super filled with doubts about my sexuality 😭

Does anyone else ruminate nearly 24/7 about their Harm/Pure OCD thought or thoughts? For example, stating to themselves that “I don’t want to harm, hurt or kill anyone, etc.” Do you have anxiety while doing so and also even more anxiety after trying to stop the reassurance/compulsions. Thanks in advance!