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POCD 18+ NSFW WARNING TRIGGER WARNING I need help and advice right now because I feel sick and disgusted. A long time ago there was a pornhub user named Ellesclub. She was verified on there and claimed she was 18 (or so at the time) I viewed her content and I didn’t know anything about who she was, except for the fact that she was extremely popular. Her viewer count was in the millions. Nearly 2 years back her account got banned and she never posted the reason why. I was curious on why her videos got banned and stuff so I viewed it a couple more times, then I forgot about her. I was 16-18 at the time. Turns out, she had lied to everyone about her age, and started making porn at the age of 16. She was born on June 12th of 2000, and I was born on July 1st 2001. And some of the videos she uploaded were at the ages of 16-17. I recently found out about this 6-7 months ago. I’m 19 now. I have never ever felt more afraid and disgusted in all my life. And worst yet. I’m so triggered and scared. I’m shaking and tearing up as I write this because of all the events that lead up to this and my current predicament. I don’t want to be a M.A.P or a pedo. I don’t want to go to jail. I don’t want to be a monster, and I’m so fucking scared. I don’t want to be a pedo or a M.A.P, and I’m so scared of what you guys might say. I’m so scared that I might go to jail.

I did something weird and I am not ok with it......I am afraid of going to hell but also the demons/OCD voices are in my ear, I want so badly for God to talk to me about this and I can't feel his peace....I wonder if it means what I did was really bad...uuggghhh----I am so sick.....I can't believe this pain. I felt like I did a good job for 13 years of not doing anything too bad...this happened a month ago and I can't take it back!...I swear God it was an accident! Help me God!!

What do you guys write for journaling? If I write down my ocd thoughts it will act as reassurance and I don’t want that. Any tips?

Let’s take a mental breather from OCD. Answer these below and be as detailed as you wish. What’s your favorite song at the moment? What’s your favorite day of the week and why? Are you a mint ice cream person or a “it taste like toothpaste” person ? I’ll start: Case of You - Joni Mitchell Saturday because it’s a Friday night without the Friday-day part. A.) but I respect that there are two types of palettes in the world.

Is any one on here taking natural supplements they have found helpful for OCD/Anxiety? I have decided to stop taking my medications because I am planning to possibly have a baby this year. I am going to therapy once a week but i am still struggling a lot with my OCD so I was wondering if anyone on here had any tips about natural supplements or remedies.

Does anyone feel like their OCD just isn’t getting better no much CBT/ERP/EMDR/ Therapy you do in general? My cheating OCD has been at an all time high recently and the only thing that resolves or makes the guilt feel better is admitting to it. I’ve communicated with my partner and told him what’s been going on and he knows that I’ve done nothing wrong and understands the OCD.I’ve read so many other posts and gotten so much advice but I feel like nothing is working . Pretty please just some advice or just a “I hear you” or even a I relate to you...I feel so alone and I’m just constantly being trapped in OCDs vicious cycle and the only thing easing the pain is admitting to stuff I didn’t do.

i honestly believe that i would want to experiment with a girl. even tho i don’t want to now and i want my boyfriend and want to marry him and spend the rest of my life with him...

Extremely frustrated at the moment. I had to move home from college because I have I had a crisis due to contamination OCD. (Anybody else live their life by viewing the “clean” and “dirty” worlds?) my school only has suite style housing so I was forced to share space with two other people who were constantly bringing contamination and strangers into to my clean safe space. I’m trying to advocate for housing accommodations for next year so I can have a single suite to myself and not have to worry about performing my compulsions in the safe space. I have sent the school multiple pieces of documentation from my psychiatrist explaining why this is a medical necessity and the school is still not granting me the accommodations. I feel like I’m being punished for having OCD and they are trying to away my education. I will keep fighting for these accommodations because if they don’t grant them I’ll have no way to attend school and I’ll be forced to drop out. I just want to go to school and get my college experience like everyone else :(

TW there’s a girl i don’t like very much. but i know it’s only because i envy her so it’s not a very valid reason and i feel ashamed for it. she’s a big personality, very caring and stuff but also like a ‘queen bee’. anyway, i just asked myself if i’d care if she died and honestly it felt like i wouldn’t which makes me feel so terrible and anxious. like what the hell. i know it’s silly since i’d care if anyone died, but i feel like i should feel more distraught at that thought. if i think of any family members dying or friends etc, i feel very upset. but with her i just don’t. and i’m worry this means something terrible... like i’m so insecure that it’s affecting my empathy towards her (or people i envy in general) :(

Dude I’m so done with this shit. I do every fuckin thing ive been taught yet I can’t get over my shit. Like do I even have ocd or do I have some other type of mental disorder? I do everything I’ve been taught. I’m not even sure whether or not the stupid thoughts I hear or that just automatically pops up when I see a girl is ocd or not I need a therapist to verify with me it is indeed ocd and help me with a plan.

Hi everyone! I am a University student with moderate OCD. I was wondering if anyone else on this app is also a college student? If so, how has OCD been impacting you during the pandemic? I would love to discuss with anyone who is willing how COVID has impacted you and what tricks you’ve found for coping. I’ve had a bit more trouble with my OCD than normal.

Hi...I decided last night, after thinking about it for a long time...that I need to leave college. My mental health is not good...so I really need to focus on that. This is a really hard decision that I know will come with many regrets...but I’m barely able to take care of myself at college...let alone pass my classes. I’ve been going back and forth about this for a while now. But I think I have finally decided that going home to heal (as much as I hate it) is the next step that I need to take... That’s it. That’s all I wanted to say. I just wanted to share that with somebody...

For those with SOOCD, loss of attraction to the gender you are dating is very common with this theme... anyone here been through this and have some insight on what that erp process looked like for you? I'm struggling hard with this process and could use some support. It feels like it will never feel right to be intimate with my bf again 😟

Naa this distress and depression is to much today i just feel gay 😥... how could my love women just go ?

I feel so terrible. My ROCD striked when I was the happiest person. When my partner told me he loved me. When we were awaiting the New Year. I was to happy and then at one moment I had an innocent thought 'Why did I just spend a couple of hours doing my thing and didn't think about him?' I felt really bad, got so scared I felt my body numbing out. It got worse over time. At first, I was panicking as hell. Cried my eyes out, because I didn't know about ROCD. Then, I got depressed as hell. I lied in my bed for a couple of weeks, feeling almost dead from the stress. Then it got a bit better. I felt a lotnof anxiety, but the thoughts didn't attack me as much. I tried to live my life Now it's worse again. I want to cry all the time. I cannot study. I cannot do anything. Thoughts change rapidly. I feel a lot of guilt and I am very scared. Sometimes I say I want to die. Because I don't feel like myself anymore. I don't know who I am. I just want to be happy again with him. He's the best person I've ever met. God, please, I want this to be gone. I want this to go. I feel so terrible. I beg you please. I don't want to lose the person I loved the most. Everything beautiful has just begun then. I wake up with a feeling that I don't know where I am and who I am. Why does my bf has to love me if I'm like that? I hate myself.

So now I have another thing that's just confusing me. So I met this one girl back in 9th grade and we were together for a bit then split and became friends. Recently we've been talking alot more and I've actually started to grow some feeling and attraction towards her. She's really beautiful and awesome to get around but my thoughts are making me feel weird. It's like I want a relationship but its like I feel so isolated and alone and it feels like my feelings aren't vailed enough to be in a relationship. I still am dealing with hocd and ocd but it's like I'm just trying to be happy with someone. My thoughts just keep hurting me it's like "What if your in denial or what if you end up hurting yourself and her and what if your just getting with her to hind something about yourself". In trying so hard to not engage but I just feel so empty and sad and it's like weird man. I don't really know what's going on but there's like those void that makes me feels weird and isolated and it's like what if that void is the latent homosexuality coming out and it just feels like this is never going to end because I'm scared of the results and in afraid of doing something in the future that's not me

TMI 18+ I’m more aroused by erotic images of women in porn than men. I’m turned on by doing things with men but I’m afraid this is proof. I know women are soo sexualized and I have always wanted to be that sexy women to men. But not being turned on by naked men alone vs women in porn makes me so sad and anxious. God every day it’s something new

does anyone else feel like they invalidate their feelings and trauma? i’m currently 21 and i’ve had some very hard years since the age of 16 which have been a huge contribution to my excessive anxiety levels. the ages 16/17 i went through some really bad bullying (by people i considered to be best friends) which caused a lot of stress and anxiety. they picked on my looks and body. this is when my ocd first hit so i was feeling very alone and having people make fun of me for my mental health etc made it that much worse. i was also in a relationship at this point and it was starting to get toxic. this is the time i started to develop an eating disorder. i lost so much weight. my parents didn’t understand my anxiety at the slightest. then school was a big pressure for me and i had certain sets of teachers that used to be very nasty and belittling. in 2017, i was 18, my uncle passed away due to drug abuse. my anxiety and everything was high so i didn’t do as well on my a level exams as i thought so i didn’t get into the uni i wanted which caused a lot of stress. in early 2018 my granddad suffered a heart attack and was hospital bound for a week which made me feel very stressed and sad. but again, i invalidated my feelings and pushed them down bc my mind made me feel like i shouldn’t be upset. in the summer of 2018 my uncle took his own life which was a VERY horrible period for me and my family. it was my first funeral and i’ll never forget it. on top of this my relationship with my boyfriend was extremely toxic. in the summer of 2019 my grandma collapsed and was taken into hospital where they found a brain tumour. so the whole of summer was spent in hospital before and after her surgery. again, my relationship was very toxic. then when 2020 came along, the first week my intrusive thoughts were so bad and it was the first time i ever experienced false memory ocd and it was so so scary. this continued for so long and 2020 as a whole was so so difficult. with the pandemic and my relationship too. i was constantly called names, belittled, crying. i even self harmed for the first time because i felt so alone and upset and i didn’t know what to do. i don’t feel like i had the time to ever sit down and grieve everything that happened. even now i find myself invalidating my feelings and trauma. i always expect myself to be strong and perfect. i’ve had times during these years where i have acted out and not been myself which then adds onto the real event ocd. i’m now going to be 22 and i’m not in uni anymore bc my ocd was so bad i had to drop out, i’m extremely underweight and i just feel so sad and guilty all the time. i’m not writing this for any sympathy but i just wanted to see if anyone else feels like they invalidate their own trauma and not think it’s a big deal? i know this is a very long post so i appreciate anyone that has taken the time out to read it. ❤️

To my fellow female SOOCD sufferers: I had some really good two weeks with some moments of clarity where I could see through all the bullsh*t my brain is producing. However I got pulled back in the cycle and here we go again 🙄 Atm I‘m not even that panicked about liking girls it is more about my attraction to men that I‘m obsessing about. I don‘t get aroused by just seeing a hot naked guy. I do fantasize more about being touched and everything by a guy and being wanted by him. Sorry if this is tmi but I‘m stressed that this means I don‘t like men enough and that Leads back to my fear of being in denial about being a lesbian. Because then I worry that I could be aroused just by the picture of a woman even if that has never happened before. And also men can get of just by lookin at pictures of hot woman, does that mean that if I am a straight girl I should be able to get turned on by just looking at good looking guys? This has been confusing the hell out of me and the whole concept of comphet hasn’t helped as well. Anyone who can relate?

I fucking hate having ROCD. Once minute I love him to death and the next I’m not feelin it. I know I generally love him, and I know that I’m in love with him (OCD makes me doubt if I am or not all the time) but sometimes my head feels so empty when I’m with him. Whenever we get intimate it’s amazing. I always get flashbacks, and I miss his kisses, the way he knows my body so well. But when I’m physically with him something inside me doesn’t enjoy the moment and worries about the future. Because when I’m alone all I want to do is be with him, kiss him all over, lay on him, but when I’m with him, sometimes all I worry about is the future, whether it be about us, or the world. I’m not sure how to get out of it.