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the NOCD Community

Look man I've been going through a lot over the past 9 months. Ever since my car accident and my first love breaking up with me I've been so lost ya know. Over the past couple months I've dealt with trying not to harm myself and others, trying to isolate myself because I don't know me anymore, and homosexual thoughts. It's feels like nothing is there when the thoughts come up and there's no feeling of goodness when they come it's just worrying and fear and distress because I can't get over them. It's like I lost my identity but I'm getting a few pieces back. When I look at guys from further away my mind is telling me you have a crush on them and I haven't even felt that way before about any guy. Like before this I would look at dudes and nothing would happen and I'd just be chilling and now it feel just the same but it feels like my mind is disconnected from my body. I've looked on so many pages and most ocd therapist say this is an actual condition but these other people who are gay are saying this is just extreme denial and I don't know what to believe. I've showed symptoms of ocd when I was a kid but I've never been diagnosed and when I tell my mom I might have it she doesn't believe me and I have to pretend it's something else. I just don't know any more. These thoughts don't please me and I when they come up I always ask myself do I think this is hot or should I be attracted to this or does this make me feel good. I don't know man it's just discomforting and weird and I don't like it

Had a decent first day as the kindergarten librarian, although I needed a good nap myself when I got home 😅. Due to my OCD fears and depression, this would have been impossible in the past. It can get better and I wish I could tell when, but you just have to keep fighting and lean on the community.

I need advice on something. I just did a compulsion even though I didn't really want to. It is everytime I lick my lips a scary thought or inappropriate thought pops up and I have to do a compulsion where I lick my lips a bunch of times and try to picture something positive. Well I did this and it felt like I did my compulsion right. Well afterwards I thought of all things positive until Elmo popped up. This is only a trigger because of his voice. Now my mind is telling me I am talking and I am talking in my mind all squeaky. I know this isn't true, but I can hear it in my mind and I'm scared. Should I do another compulsion to get rid of this or just accept that fear and realize it isn't real and will go away with time?

If I’ve been aware of being aroused by certain things in the past but just now think it means something, is that the same as someone coming to the realization they’re gay? Maybe I have always known, and that’s what scares me the most

Does anyone else feel like if they were supposed to like girls they just would and like never question it? Like ex: if I was born a boy with the exact same mind I'd probably just go along with liking girls? Idk if that makes sense but tell me if it does.

Found out my therapist is resigning and I’m going to be reassigned someone new that they hire. I just don’t know what to do for my ocd smh.

i’m watching Friday the 13th and there’s a lot of nudity and i’m scared i like it. i can’t tell if i do or not. but i feel like i do. i feel jealous that they have a big chest because i rlly don’t. but i’m getting thoughts saying maybe i like it

Can anyone explain false memory?

Im scared i did things in my childhood that weren’t normal and were signs of bisexuality. But yet i chased around boys and had crushes on boys like every year and called them cute and kissed them. I never remember once liking a girl. I remember wanting to be friends with the “popular” girls because i wanted to be popular. In middle school id see girls getting hugs from the popular girls and i was like “okay i wanna get a hug from her and that’ll mean im popular” and i only looked at guys romantically though. People asked me if i was gay and i was like no. But that’s also the year this started. The guy i liked called me and my friend a lesbian, and i was like “what no i don’t like her” then i started freaking out that i did and people saw something i didn’t. So that obsession lasted for about a week. Then around three months roles around and it’s gone, and im watching one of my favorite guy youtubers and he comes out as gay and he said “there was a random voice in my head that said are you gay at twelve years old” and i went ape shit and thought “omg i have that voice am i gay” And here we are 6 years later still obsessing and yet it only took him two years to figure out but he still dated girls And i can’t even figure it out cause i want to be with guys and not girls But im scared im just saying i want to be with guys and not girls and i truly want the opposite It all just scares me And whenever i see two girls together i can’t see that being me Then i see a guy and a girl and it makes me sad cause i want that life but it feels like i dont The thought of not liking to kiss a boy also makes me incredibly sad and i hate that i feel disgusted at it And i don’t think i could ever bring myself to kiss a girl without crying and having a panic attack cause the anxiety is way to much But im scared one day i will kiss a girl and be happy and all of this will wash away and this makes me sad to Cause i want all of this gone i just dont want to end up a lesbian (nothings wrong with that) when i just dont desire it and want guys I just want things to go back to normal. Id been doing so good and not ruminating then i started worrying i was faking attractions to boys then got on birth control and here i am a month later. I hate this

Has anyone had a medicine make their OCD and anxiety worse? I just started SSRI two weeks ago and I hate that I can’t tell if it’s just me or give the medicine time to work. My mind won’t shut off :/

User JAKEOAK is harassing people who suffer with SOOCD AND HOCD there is a user by the name of Jake oak who has been harassing people with s o o c d or hocd calling them homophobic. I am one of the people he harassed. He has since blocked me and reported my post so I do not know if he's doing this to anymore people . This is seriously counterproductive as well as insulting to the individuals suffering with this mental disorder.

Fight hard not to do compulsions, ocd is not your friend, it’s not trying to proctect you nor anyone else, ocd is a coward and deserves no attention no compulsions no rumination, I will not do compulsions today and I will fight hard to enjoy my day without the need to pay attention to the intrusive thoughts, who’s with me?

I feel like I’m not getting better. There are some thoughts that I’m too afraid to share with my therapist and it bugs me. She’s talked about that theme with me before so I know she understands it but for some reason I can’t say them to her. I’m afraid that I’ll never get better if I don’t share the thoughts. And it’s like, I want to tell her. But I’m afraid she’ll judge me or if I say them out loud then it makes them real or something. I also just feel so defeated because this is forever. There is no cure for OCD and I have to accept that. I guess I just keep hoping that it’ll go away or someone will discover the miracle cure and we will all be okay once we take it. I know I can recover and I know it’s possible to live a full and happy life with OCD. It just all feels very overwhelming sometimes. Even when I feel good, I’m always aware of OCD, like it’s in the back of my mind waiting to attack. And I’m living my life around it, making sure I don’t trigger the bully. And it’s not fun, I don’t feel happy because all I do is avoid things that could cause anxiety or thoughts or a panic attack or even mild discomfort. I’m just venting because I feel alone and I know someone here might understand. Thanks for reading.

I feel like people with hocd end up bisexual and i feel like im becoming happy at the thought of being with woman and i wanna cry:(

GUYS I'M REALLY FREAKING OUT I MIGHT KILL MYSELF I just remembered how my HOCD started. Some months ago, I drew this picture of a sad girl who was crying and was in huge pain and distress. I don't really know why I drew this but I was very proud because the drawing came out to be really well. A few months pass, and I had this drawing in front of me while some sad music was playing on my phone. I was staring at the drawing, praising myself for how nicely I drew it, feeling very good about myself... Then, in my head, I started telling the crying girl in the picture to stop crying and that it will all be okay And then, in a split second I HAD A THOUGHT OF FUCKING KISSING THE GIRL. THEN THE WHOLE CYCLE STARTED. I SWEAR TO GOD I'VE NEVER BEEN ATTRACTED TO FEMALES. I always get really jealous of girls who look pretty because even I want to look like them Never in my life did I ever think about having sex with a girl Even when I fantasise, it's always about men and boys my age and above I'M REALLY DISTRESSED I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO

i haven’t been diagnosed with ocd yet but i’m pretty sure i have it. when i was younger i used to hear things in my head like if you don’t do this in 5 seconds then something would happen to your family. i could manage that abs still can however something else is triggering me. i am afraid of becoming lesbian/ bi. i admire many female celebrities like dancers and stuff and i have always wanted to be them/ look like them up untill now in my head somethings telling me i wanna date them. this is completely untrue and it’s messing me about now every day i wake up and fear i’m lesbian or bi and i don’t know it or i’m so deeply in denial before i used to get discusted by the intrusive thoughts ans now something in my head is telling me i like it. the other day on tiktok a masculine women popped up on my fyp and something in my head told me i liked her and i wanted to date masculine women! i then searched through the vids of masculine women to see if i got aroused but thankfully i couldn’t feel anything. by this point i’ve stopped feeling anything for men and i just wish i could like boys in the way i used to!! i can’t think senarios in my head about boys anymore without an intrusive thought sayijf i like women. please i’m so confused and scared abs upset i need help

So first I get triggered tonight be a real event and start doing massive research on it because getting a panic attack until I realize I'm ruminating so I stop that and just let the anxiety and depression take over till its done. Then I decide to watch some porn and I decided to watch some hentai. I have a weird nostalgia with it since it was the first pornographic material I saw as a child. So I'm looking at a page with reccomendations and they reccomended this one I've seen some of before but vaguely remembered it. Basically about 3 sisters living with their bro, massive sexual setting. 2 of the sisters looked of age, usual massive anime breasts, so I was like whatever nothing really triggering then they introduce the last sister who looked petite and kinda flat chested and I was like eh I hope this isn't a loli, I've seen that kinda stuff in the past and it really freaks me out so I try my best to avoid it. But anyways they made her super attractive, even dressed how I usually find girls attractive, and suddenly she's trying to seduce him and when she takes her top off she isn't flat chested just smaller boobs so I felt less disturbed, finished to that and then the guilt hit me like a train. I was like omg, did I just jerk it to loli? And I start spiraling like what if I'm a P? What if this is what proves it?? I wasn't looking for loli but I watched through that scene, and I couldn't stop the anxiety so I started researching the show to see if loli was associated with it at all and thankfully I couldn't find any description of that being associated with this show but the uncertainty was driving me insane and after just coming out of a panic attack from a earlier trigger this just sent me into another one. And so I'm trying to stop myself from ruminating but my mind is like "IF YOU DON'T YOU'LL DO SOMETHING EVEN WORSE, JUST THINK ABOUT THIS LONGER YOUR LIFE DEPENDS ON IT." It sucks because I can't even sleep right now. I feel like if I don't spend more time thinking about it, something bad will happen. Idk even what, I just keep feeling this unsettling feeling of danger.

I look at straight couples and cry cause i will never be able to have that. The thought of being happy with another girl makes me sad, and i feel bad that it makes me sad cause then it feeds my horrible person ocd and makes me feel homophobic cause nothings wrong with it but i dont want to be with a girl and dont want to be lesbian cause i dont want girls or dont want to desire them. And the thought of never being happy with a boy makes it even worse. Then im scared i’m actually okay with that thought. I always dreamt of being with a boy and now i can’t even fantasize about kissing and cuddling. Cause suddenly i feel like kissing a boy is gross and cuddling i feel nothing. AND I HATE IT I HATE IT I HATE IT I JUST WANNA BE ABLE TO BE WITH A GUY AND FEEL ATTRACTED TO THEM. And i dont know why i want it so bad but i do. I want it so bad but i cant have it. I just can’t handle this anymore. The fear, the stress, the not knowing, the confusion. My mind at war. Feeling as if my mind and body are at war. My body responds to something and my mind hates it and freaks out and doesnt want it. Hocd is a fucking demon and i feel like jumping off a cliff rn. Anything would be better than this, anything.

If i don’t get better soon i don’t know how much longer i can last. This battle in my mind is draining me. I can’t keep doing it for much longer.

Every time I watch an explicit video, I obsessively worry about whether or not the person in the video was of legal age or if I unintentionally looked at a minor. This causes me to have intrusive OCD thoughts that I am some kind of horrible pedophile or that the FBI will arrest me. I'm currently experiencing an anxiety spike right now because of it. Can anyone else relate to this? I only want to watch videos of consenting adults, but the need for 100 percent certainty makes it difficult for me to stop questioning it. Because of my religious beliefs, things like pornography are outside of my ethical values anyways, so I really want to break the habit of watching it in any capacity (even if I knew for certain I couldn't accidentally stumble upon a video of a minor), but I struggle with doing that. Does anyone have any tips to stop engaging in lustful behaviors, and how to deal with catastrophic thinking about jail time and being a sick person because I'm paranoid about if the model could be underage?