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I had been doing well until today thought it was passing 😥. Someone said it feels like i hate vaginas and i said fuck me too and then they said btw im a girl. Now im freaking out because i thought they was in the same boat as me 😞. God help me 🙏

I hate feeling like I am better when I am not.. I feel so off with my partner and I don’t feel like I have ROCD at all...

if you are reading this it’s a sign that everything is going to be okay. Your going to wake up tomorrow morning and everything will be okay. I know the world can seem dark sometimes, and hard to deal with, and evil and violent, but there’s always going to be goodness and kindness out there. I like to say there’s always something symmetrical out there too haha. You are okay. Your mind is just a mind, those thoughts and images are just thoughts and they don’t mean anything I promise, no matter how horrible or unthinkable they are. You might be thinking “oh you don’t understand these are different thoughts these are worse thoughts”. Trust me I understand I really do. And it is okay and you are okay and you are safe. Treat yourself with kindness because I promise you deserve it, and you are worth it. <3

I can’t stand myself, I feel disgusting and I’m scared of my thoughts. I had thoughts about hurting myself and dying , my guilt about something I can’t mention due to the distress it gives me is consuming me for days now. Sometimes I feel like people actually don’t know who I truly am, they might think I’m nice but I have these really sick thoughts, I can’t stand the guilt, don’t know how I’ll manage this night. It’s a very rough one:/

I feel like I’m gonna hurt my partner. What can I do? Please help

Hi! So I’ve suffered from POCD. My wife and I are getting a divorce and she is trying to use some of my imaginal script writing to make a case for full custody of our children. I have two diagnoses from here and they all know I have OCD. To the point that even Dr McGrath spoke with everyone. Does anyone have any advice on this? I love my kids and am looking for joint custody but I feel she is trying to use my OCD against me. I find no reason for this, I hold a 6 figure job and provided for my whole family through my OCD.

I have pure ocd n i cant stop my bad thoughts... I feel sad upset hopeless wanna die n very stupid right now... I been crying all day

Hey. So I am at a friend's house right now. With bad religious ocd right now. And so I have had these friends for long time now. I stopped having sleepovers with them when my OCD got really bad. Now, I am hanging out with them again. They keep making slightly dirty jokes and inappropriate jokes. It is really triggering. It's starting to make me even more depressed as I am here because my OCD is just so confused. Makes me feel like I can never hang out with them just because they are triggering me. I am just so confused. If that makes sense. Someone help. I know what I said was probably confusing. I am trying to do ERPS.

Does anyone have straightening/ordering compulsions which they cannot pinpoint the reason for where they get rid of one only for the compulsion to start straightening something else pop up? I have created a hierarchy before and, utilizing ERP, have overcome specific compulsions. For example, I used to need to have my socks perfectly folded,ones up, and arranged by size and color in my drawer. I used to also need to place my toothbrush in the drawer a certain way. After overcoming these compulsions to the point where I could simply toss my socks or toothbrush in my drawer, I seemed to develop new compulsions surrounding items I never cared about previously, like needing to have pens lined up in drawers perfectly or the drawstring on my hooded sweatshirts be equal length. I am wondering if this happens to anyone else and, if so, how you have dealt with it? Because of this, and the fact that I cannot pinpoint any specific fears, I am starting to believe that my compulsion to straighten items is simply a way to preoccupy myself due to my anxiety. The irony is that doing these things just causes more anxiety because it results in me being late, falling behind in work, and saps me of time I can spend doing things I either need to get done or things that relax me. I will have a plan to get things done and, because I get so sidetracked ordering things, I don't get things done which results in me becoming so overwhelmed that I need to sit down and relax. I was a very laid back person growing up. I never worried about anything who laughed most things off. If something bad happened, I was the type to reassure others that it "wasn't the end of the World". I was never tense, never raised my voice, and was usually the one to interject when others were arguing to get them to see each others perspective. I cannot pinpoint a specific event that caused me to change, but sometime in my mid 20s I started to have anxiety that manifested in me ordering. First, it was a single small rig in the hallway of my house that I would straighten and re-straighten for hours. As time went on, it got worse and I started having a feeling that more and more things were out of o order. Ironically, the only time since where I have been nearly cured was during a very stressful point of my life when I was divorcing from my first wife. I was recommended the book "Brain Lock" and found it very helpful. Through a lot of reflection, I realized that I was hyper-focusing on small, meaningless things as opposed to what really mattered; and whatever is going to happen will happen irregardless of whether my belongings were straight. I was wasting my life away aligning objects that are utterly worthless, or can be easily replaced,leaving no time to get the more important things done. Instead performing necessary upkeep on my house, I was spending my time on upkeep of a single drawer. Kind of like the whole ocean polluting around you while you are repeatedly filtering a small tide pool. Upon realizing this , I got 99% better. It also helped that 1/2 of the stuff in my house was gone and it had a very minimalist look it. However, when I remarried and my new wife moved in with all of her stuff, my compulsions came back with a vengeance. I reread "Brain Lock" and still have that mindset. However, even when I am being mindful, I cannot seem to pull myself away from straightening even though I know it is not making any difference. OCD is a pain. It is like training for months to go 12 rounds with Mike Tyson and winning only to learn that Ali, Frazier, Klitschko, Ward, and others are going to jump in the ring at any time. I've beat it before, and can beat it again. The tricky part is recognizing the feelings as they come up, staying mindful, and not giving in to the voice that tells you, "it will only take a few seconds to do this compulsion and I will feel much better". As we all know, that isn't the case as giving in only feeds it. Anyway, sorry for the long ramble. It's good to be able to talk to people that understand because everyone around me seems to think telling me to "just stop" should work. I have tried to have them read articles on how best to help, but they have no interest because they do it get it.

Can someone please help me? I’m panicking massively So, I have a really specific obsession which doesn’t make sense (like a lot of themes). I have an intense fear that I’m somehow ‘autistic’ and am not aware of it. It started when I watched a video of a girl who didn’t seem any different to a regular person state that she had autism. I was really confused, how is she different to me then? I have done COUNTLESS online tests, all of which have told me I have few to no autistic traits, yet I CANNOT shake it. If I see something that may indicate that I’m autistic, I start panicking where my throat gets dry and I’m terrified. For example, I started panicking just now because I had read that autistic women live in ‘fantasy’ world, and I thought ‘do I?’ And then I realised that at night when I’m listening to music I’ll imagine myself in different scenarios. This of course isn’t ‘fantasy’ world, but still I was terrified, well what if it is? What if this means you have autism. One of the key features of autism is social impairment, which I have never experienced - but OCD starts saying, what if you have, what if you’re lying to yourself. Essentially all of this stems from a fear that I’m ‘lying’ to myself about my traits, when it’s irrational to think that. It literally terrifies me like my hands are sweating and I feel like I’m gonna die I don’t know what to do

i’m not my past mistakes, i am a new person to my past self. i may have messed up, but that does not define me in ANY way now. i’m a kid, and i’m learning as life goes on :)

I finally found a therapist who understands this and I feel like I should be more relieved. But since our first appointment a few days ago my thoughts have been really bad and convincing and I’m just suffering 24/7 convinced that I’ll never be straight again because of these thoughts

I’m not too sure if this is related to my OCD but figured I would talk about it?? This is gonna sound so narcissistic maybe, but I have been having a lot of trouble with Zoom and seeing myself in the camera lately :( I can’t stop obsessing over if people think I looked okay, especially just this one time where I logged on pretty fast, wasn’t wearing makeup and had no time to really adjust myself... It’s really impacting all my courses because now I’m just distracted at the past and present. I really don’t know why I posted this. I just feel so hopeless and stuck in my own head even though I know it’s such a dumb problem to have :( I guess what I want to ask is how do you personally deal with repetitive thoughts that are hard to escape? I hope you all have a great night (or day)

I don’t know if anyone wants to or can answer this but in what situation or what’s the reason some of you take antipsychotics for OCD? I’m just curious because I wonder if an SSRI will be enough for me lol

I swear I’m a shoot myself if another therapist doesn’t think I’m not seeing the words “dude, dick, I am gay” coming out every time I see a girl. Or that when I try to think about a girl and think about having sex with them something else comes up. Like I just tried to and the words “gay ass shit” popped up. Like I really hope they truly understand me cuz if not yeah I’m done. Shooting myself will be the best thing if therapy can’t help me I’m just saying.

I'm new to the world of OCD and anxiety. After coming out as bisexual, I suddenly had thoughts about gender identity that I had never had before. I couldn't and still can't shake this fear that I'm transgender. It bothers me every day. I would just like to feel like myself again instead of constantly questioning everything related to gender and sexuality. Anyone got some advice?

can y’all pls help? when i get an intrusive thought about something sexual i don’t want to like, i immediately get turned on or i think to myself without forcing myself “that sounds nice.” like my immediate reaction is i like it. then i have to reason with myself or convince myself i don’t like it. i just feel like if my natural thoughts are that i like it, then isn’t this the real me?

why did i watch those videos... what was i thinking??? how was i so immature and stupid?? i hate myself so much and i dont know what to do

When You Have OCD but You’re Not Afraid of Anything: Treating ‘Just Right’ OCD, Random Rituals, and Compulsive Behavior As discussed in A Simple Explanation of OCD, OCD is always about a fear of making a mistake you can’t take back that leads to experiencing a certain form of emotional distress forever (the Core Fear). But sometimes a person with OCD will say that they aren’t afraid of anything bad happening if they don’t do their compulsions. They’re often at a complete loss to explain why they’re doing what they’re doing. Such people often present with: A need to get something ‘just right’ A need to do a nonsensical ritual (one that isn’t connected to preventing something bad from happening, even ‘magically’) A need to do a behavior that came to mind (e.g., watching pornography) In these cases, a feeling of distress or discomfort typically accompanies the urge to do the compulsion, and the person is typically afraid that this feeling will persist permanently (or worsen) if they don’t do the compulsion, or if they don’t do the compulsion before it’s too late. Here’s why these people are stuck: Because they are afraid of being permanently distressed or uncomfortable if they don’t do the compulsion, they always do the compulsion. And because they always do the compulsion, they never have an opportunity to find out what happens if they don’t do the compulsion. And what happens if they don’t do the compulsion? That feeling of discomfort or distress goes away. They don’t get stuck feeling that way permanently. Thus, as is also always the case with OCD, the person is afraid that not doing the compulsion could be a mistake they can’t take back that leads to permanent emotional distress; and by doing the compulsion they prevent themselves from finding out that nothing bad happens if they don’t do it. But rumination can complicate things: Often a person with this presentation will object to the claim that the distress would go away if they didn’t do the compulsion. They will say that there have been times when they have put off doing the compulsion, and that they have felt bad until they finally gave in and did it. This convinces them that their fear is actually true: Their distress will continue indefinitely until they do the compulsion. But in fact, the distress only continues because the person is ruminating about whether or not to do the compulsion, which perpetuates the feeling of distress. Rumination thus creates a self-fulfilling prophecy: By ruminating about whether the distress will continue until they do the compulsion, the person causes themselves to experience the distress until they do the compulsion. People like this have only ever had two experiences: Giving in and doing the compulsion Putting off doing the compulsion, but ruminating about it until they do As far as they know, there is no other way out. They can either give in, or suffer until they do. And why fight when you know you can’t win? They have literally never had the experience of: Neither doing the compulsion Nor ruminating about it Once they have this new experience, not only do they discover that there is another way out, they also discover that their distress actually goes away if they make a clear decision not to do the compulsion, and to stop ruminating about whether or not they are going to do it. Contamination OCD often functions similarly to the above, but it’s a unique enough presentation that it deserves its own article.

Mark’s Gay and That’s It: A response to Mark-Ameen Johnson’s article about HOCD If you are an HOCD sufferer, you’ve almost certainly read an article called “I’m Gay and You’re Not: Understanding Homosexuality Fears” by Mark-Ameen Johnson, a gay man with a history of OCD. The purpose of the present article is to explain why that article is both misguided and potentially harmful to HOCD sufferers, and to offer more accurate information about HOCD. But first, one quick disclaimer and one trigger warning: Disclaimer: I am going to argue that Mark’s old article is very wrong about HOCD. This is not an ad hominem attack. Mark spent time and energy trying to help people suffering from HOCD, and that is laudable. In fact, Mark and I have been in touch since I originally posted this article, and he’s told me that he has learned more since writing his article, and now agrees with the critiques below. Mark has told me that he wrote his article back in 2005, in an effort to address the questions that people with HOCD were asking him. He’s asked me to publicize that if he were writing his article now, it would be quite different. Trigger warning: People with HOCD often read articles and forum posts for reassurance. Their logic is basically that if people with HOCD describe similar experiences to them, then it must be the case that they also have HOCD, and aren’t really gay (a false dichotomy); so the posts and articles are not only validating, but also reassuring. This article will not be reassuring. It will not make you feel better or more certain of your sexual orientation. It may therefore cause a sharp increase in your anxiety. Mark’s premise Although he didn’t use these terms, Mark’s basic argument was that if sexual feelings are ego-dystonic – meaning they don’t feel like you – they are not real and do not define your sexual orientation. He opened with the assertion that “If you say you are heterosexual, then you are. Period.” He then proceeded to explain that based on his experience, anything OCD says is automatically false. Specifically, he said, “HOCD obsessing over being gay = straight in reality.” He thus immediately reassured readers that he agreed they weren’t gay, based on the fact that they had HOCD. The problem with Mark’s premise There are a few problems with Mark’s premise: It’s not true: It is not at all true that having HOCD indicates you’re not gay. To be clear, it also doesn’t indicate you are gay! Having HOCD doesn’t tell you anything about your sexual orientation whatsoever. All it tells you is that you have OCD about your sexual orientation, which you already knew. It’s not helpful: Reassurances like this are useless. If an HOCD sufferer could just say to herself, “If I think it’s true it must not be true!” and then continue about her day, she wouldn’t have HOCD. Reassurances like this leave sufferers feeling better for a minute or a day, only to fall victim to another spike. It’s harmful: Mark’s article is full of (false) reassurance. Reassurance is compulsion and compulsion maintains OCD. Delving further into Mark’s arguments Mark gave the following examples of the distinct thought processes of a straight HOCD sufferer and a gay person: HOCD sufferer: “I know that I am gay, but I have only ever gotten hard with girls. This must be because I am in the closet, and I know that I’ll suddenly get hard with guys once I come out. But the thought of being with another guy makes me sick. Damn, gay stuff is so disgusting! I’d never want some naked guy to touch me that way. But my mind tells me that this is what I want, and that I’ll be O.K. with it once I come out because I am gay. But I’m not gay! But my mind tells me I am. Dammit, why won’t my mind shut up? I do all this checking by looking at gay porn, and I still don’t know what I am. But I just want to look at hot women instead. I have never been attracted to guys, but I know I am a gay guy. This anxiety is killing me. I can’t even hear the word gay without becoming anxious.” Gay person: “I know that I am gay, and I have only ever gotten hard with guys. I am in the closet because I am afraid people will reject me, yet I have always wanted with everything in me to fall in love with another man who loves me back. That would be so beautiful. I was taught that gay stuff was disgusting, but when I think of being held by a man I get butterflies in my stomach. When I see a guy I like, it just feels right. The only anxiety I feel is over what others think of gays and how I think I’ll be treated by straight people in power if they find out about me. I don’t feel any anxiety when I think about how lucky gay guys who are out of the closet must be, and I wish I could be like them.” He was basically saying you could tell the difference between HOCD sufferers and gay people based on three things: 1) a clear pattern of sexual arousal 2) a clear sense of what is desirable and what is disgusting 3) a clear distinction between anxiety based on other people’s homophobic beliefs and anxiety based on one’s own internalized homophobic beliefs If you have HOCD you wish that these distinctions were clear, but you know they’re not. Here’s why: 1) Sexual arousal patterns aren’t always clear. Sometimes you get aroused by things that don’t usually arouse you. Sometimes you prevent yourself from getting aroused. Sometimes you feel something in your genitals and don’t know if it’s arousal at all. Sometimes you can’t tell the difference between sexual arousal and anxious arousal. Sometimes anxious arousal blocks sexual arousal, both when you’d like to be aroused but aren’t, and when you don’t want to be aroused and anxiety prevents it from happening. 2) When you have OCD you can’t always tell what’s desirable and what’s disgusting. You may think about something that you’re afraid will arouse you, and then immediately undo it by thinking about how disgusting it is. You may have obsessive thoughts that tell you that you like things you actually do find disgusting. You may reassure yourself that you’re straight because specific sexual acts seem disgusting. You may be so anxious about all of these thoughts and feelings, that you don’t know which way is up. You may find certain things aversive because they threaten your sense of self, even if they are also sexually arousing, or would be sexually arousing if they weren’t so threatening. 3) Internalized homophobia is very real. Lots of people with HOCD say they have no problem with gay people or being gay themselves, as a way of reassuring themselves that if they were really gay they would readily accept it. Unfortunately, living in a homophobic society (and our society is still homophobic even though it’s relatively less homophobic than other places or any other time in history) still leaves all of us with some negative feelings about homosexuality. Therefore, the distinction between worrying about what others will think and worrying about what you yourself think is not always so clear. The article claimed that “On a primal level … gay people always know that they are gay no matter what tricks society employs. Straight people always know that they are straight no matter what tricks HOCD employs.” If you’re an HOCD sufferer I don’t have to tell you what the problem with this is: “How do you know if you know? What does it mean to know? I think I know but what if it’s denial? I worry it’s denial but what if it’s OCD?” Sitting in front of your computer and trying to figure out if you’re gay is the very process that’s keeping you stuck. But that doesn’t mean there’s no hope. Cognitive-Behavioral Therapy for OCD (AKA Exposure with Response Prevention AKA ERP AKA ExRP) can help you to get unstuck and gain greater clarity about your sexual orientation. An article that reassures you you’re straight will not help you.