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Anyone else afraid to be alone due to self harm OCD

I’m trying to cope with arousals I had in my past and it’s actually been really hard. I was a little kid who was super fascinated by boobs and would look as pictures and become aroused/masturbate. As the years went on, I began to like boys more and more and never thought much of this. last night some drawing of a topless woman aroused me and brought all this up again. I just feel so sad and helpless considering this feels like real evidence. I’m married and every day I feel like a liar.

Tips for getting to sleep when I can't be alone with my thoughts? I'm scared of putting my phone down at night because my brain goes into overdrive. Anyone got advice? I've tried melatonin, white noise, music, etc

I haven’t been eating well for awhile or drinking enough water smh. I just don’t feel like it anymore🤷🏻‍♂️. I’m on lamictal but I’m still not myself 🤦🏻‍♂️😔

Does anyone dealing with hocd happen to look at the same sex in the same way you would look at the opposite sex, but you don’t mean to? For example, ever since my hocd started, I feel like I notice guys butts the same way I check out girls. Only, when I do that with a guy, it’s uncomfortable and it’s like I notice it when I don’t really care or want to notice it. Almost like, with a guy, it sticks out to me like a sore thumb sometimes even though I’m not looking directly at a guys butt or chest if they’re built. With a girl, it I check her out and am attracted, there is arousal like how it’s been my whole life. I feel like every other symptom/compulsion I’ve ever had is hocd, but I shouldn’t be “checking out” men like I do women with hocd. Even though I don’t WANT to check out men and don’t find comfort in doing so. Can anyone relate?

Please reply! Do you think its possible to not watch any shows, music, or videos, books anything from the past? Only things made from today and here on?

i don’t feel good. idk why. i just feel like something is rlly trying to convince me that i’m gay. i’m even worried about figuring out i’m gay in the future 😔

I can’t even tell myself I’m straight anymore.

I feel like im just thinking about men all the time sometimes it feels like im fantasizing and being gay i feel like im going to have this stuck in my head forever im so depressed 😥

What’s the balance between ruminating and researching on a social justice issue -over doing it vs not doing it at all vs doing it the “right amount”? Previous advice I’ve seen on here says “just don’t try to solve that problem”. But really my VALUES say that people aren’t investigating enough their own biases - how to remove obstacles at work based on ability, race, never identity. For example, we’re problem solving at work for our equity plan. We’re changing our curriculum to make sure it’s not just white males, adding our pronouns, adding accessibility for the blind, etc. but I’m constantly thinking about it. It seems a bit heartless to say “we’ll just stop. Just stop trying to improve things for people” Thoughts on the grey area of when it’s “too much”?

Everyone please listen to me carefully, YOU ARE NOT GONNA CURE HOCD. There i said it, its basically not curable. But there i something you can do. You can sit there with the thoughts and just let them be there. Wow u feel like your thoughts, so scary. But are you ever gonna act on them, HELL NO. If you know yourself and who you really are, ur not gonna act on them, if you get in a situation where u could act on them, your gonna think this is so stupid, why would I do this. Hocd is just anxiety, I don’t even look at it as Hocd. Your overthinking if your gay like bruh. I got the thoughts over night back in june and I’ve been struggling until yesterday I had it and I’m just keeping the Thoughts in my head because I know they can’t do anything towards me. If you know your not gay, you not gay, simple as that. I want to grow up and be a ocd therapist now that I’ve been struggling with this. Trust me guys, u guys are gonna get through it. I still have the thoughts but they are not powerful, if you need help just let me know

How have people here kept their faith throughout this? I have prayed hundreds upon hundreds of times and received no help. I've just watched this get worse and worse while I beg for it to end. Whenever I rarely try praying again I get no help with every single time. (I'm a christian)

*HAPPY POST* and lots of advise. I have OCD with the main symptoms being gronial response with extreme anxiety, and some intrusive thoughts. My triggers are towards incest theme, pocd, and even animals. Its god darn brilliant! (sarcasm intended, it's ruining my life) Recently I've been living with a family member who triggers my OCD a lot. Its been really, really difficult for the first week. However, I've been meditating and and doing some excersize. I've been constructively letting go of some really negative feelings, and putting myself in situations that feel uncomfortable, without any judgement of what response I might have when triggered. (ERP technique) Yesterday I noticed that my anxiety towards certain triggers has gone down massively. And my ability to handle the feelings I get when they do arise is better. There's certain things that would bother me, like when I would be in a quiet room and hear my family member breathing. It used to kill me, it used to sound so loud like it was the only sound I could heaar in the room. However, The other day I realised that I wasn't even paying attention to her breathing, it was just a background noise. Like it wasn't even a trigger anymore. What a moment. Recovery is real. Don't get me wrong, I still have many moments where I'm triggered, and still have many moments where I hate myself. And this one trigger is the tip of the ice berg. But if I've learnt one thing that's seemed to change things for me - You need to keep reminding yourself that when you are being triggered, your not actually in a dangerous situation, there's nothing to actually be FEARFUL of. When you feel that fear, just remind yourself that you are actually safe - and start to remove the emotional attachment to the trigger. Once you start to sit with the fear, disgust and shame - and almost treat it as an uncontrollable fight or flight response - It makes you notice how unhelpful your brain can be. And once you have sat and felt those feelings, and realise that actually... your still okay, your still alive, your still YOU. The trigger actually has so much less ability to harm you. Yesterday I had a kind of lightbulb moment where I realised that no matter what I feel, FEAR isn't needed here! (This will take time so don't give up hope) Even writting this makes me feel emotional, because I know the pain im going through, and the pain you all are too. (Nobody even knows about my problems and I've sufferers for 6 years now) But Ive decided I think it's really important to stay positive, I see a lot of negative comments on hear, and I've been negative alot of here too. And Ive realised that being negative only feeds into the issue. You need to be positive, you need to make conscious and CONSTRUCTIVE choices, every day. I urge you all to start writting positively on here too. I urge you to understand the power of your brain. The same power that has created neurological pathways that have made you sick, is the same brain that has the power to pathe new roads for itself. I actually believe people with OCD have really powerful brains, you just need to learn how to harness it right. And recovery starts with accepting the past, accepting the present, knowing the future is uncertain but LOVING yourself anyway. This man talks through a mindfulness meditation- he bases it specifically for the OCD community. (He used to suffer with OCD) I think he's been very helpful for me. Please listen to it. Please start your day right. Please understand you have worth, no matter what your brain tells you today. Think of these thoughts and feeling as a bully that does not belong to you. There is no place for the bully. And mainly, no matter what this bully might say or do to you - Do NOT not let it ruin your day, or your perspective of your self. Goodluck everyone.

This erp doesn’t help me at all smfh. I wish it did but it doesn’t. I’m still stuck in my head. I still see weird thoughts when I see girls show up on the tv smh. This whole erp my previous ocd therapist has orchestrated behind my back still doesn’t relieve anything. It just hasn’t. I still don’t feel right.

this honestly worries me a lot. most of my friends say they are always dripping wet when having sex and really aroused and i never get super wet and i’ve never experienced it soaking through my underwear and stuff and i’m really sad because like it’s not normal and i just feel different and out of place and sad. and just wish i could experience that when i’m having sex with my boyfriend. but i don’t.

Ok...i know I post a lot. But I could really do with someone to talk to. I’m having an OCD (if it is ocd) attack

Did great for a little and now I’m back to the fear of being a lesbian. All because I was aroused by this description in a book about women pulling up their dresses and having sex with men.

It feels like I’m truly gay now and I’ll never be straight again... how do I reverse this, I don’t have anymore anxiety or anything, I don’t even know what I like anymore, all I know is I’ve lost all attraction to girls. This sucks

I feel like I’ve become hyperaware of how I come across to people and it just makes me feel so fake and unauthentic

Lesbian porn addiction Hi, I just need to get this out. I’ve been suffering from HOCD on and off for about 6 years. When I was younger I remember playing mommies and daddies with this boy and girl and I don’t know if that fucked my head up. I probably watched porn from about 13 ? But I’m not sure why lesbian porn always stuck out to me like scenes in movies and I used to watch Sexectera ? (Not sure if that’s what it’s called) but I never fancied a girl in my life. Anyway I think I’ve become addicted to lesbian porn. In school girls used to say ‘oh I’d let a girl eat me out’ and I kinda started to be curious about it. Even writing this I feel disgusted because I don’t want to be bisexual or lesbian. It just doesn’t feel right. I mostly watch girls being eating out by other girls and I’ve been curious as to whether I’d like it. ( I sometimes think of this instance to check if I get a groinal response). Reading erotica and watching porn revolving around lesbian sex has become kinda uncontrollable during quarantine. I feel empty and disappointed with myself become I wanna stop. I also feel trigged as I feel like all influencers, rappers and singers are coming out as bi (not to be homophobic) and it makes me feel uneasy and my brain says (you feel uncomfortable because that’s you). I know porn doesn’t define sexuality but I notice it triggers these intrusive thoughts. And I reassure myself as I also like gay porn and other fetishes which I can get off to. I’ve done extensive research and see that a lot of straight girls prefer lesbian porn but my mind takes it else where. I’m scared that if I get in a relationship will the man want a threesome and will I turn it down ? I feel scared that what if a lesbian comes on to me in the future will I say no ? I know a part of getting better is sitting with the anxiety but I can’t break this. When I’m like ‘no I’m not gonna stop’, sometimes it’s hard to shake and I feel like I want to masturbate. Then I end up reading or watching something involving around lesbian porn and getting a thud/ sensation down below. Once I finish I feel so bad and frustrated like ‘why can’t I get past this’. I feel like there’s pressure as I’m 21 and a virgin and I feel like all the guys I’ve liked has been a lie. I acknowledge that I have this porn induced fetish as outside of masturbation I feel no attraction to girls sexually or romantically. I even talked to a few girls on a chat room (dirty talk) and I was turned on when they spoke about being stuff to me but when I came my turn to talk about what I would do to them I felt disgusted and turned off. Has anyone been through this ? How can I stop this porn addiction ?