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Intrusive thoughts after intrusive thoughts after intrusive thoughts

Can a thought like “how do gay men even like men, men aren’t even as attractive as women.” Be an intrusive thought? It popped up randomly and I didn’t think much about it, but then I realized about what it could mean and freaked out. I used to find men attractive all the time before hocd, but now it feels like I don’t. I feel like I fall in love with every woman I see, even though I didn’t feel that way before. Was I hiding it in the past? I want to be straight. I’m also terrified that I’m homophobic and in denial :( I can’t even find men attractive anymore, it just feels forced. Why does it feel forced? Is that hocd or being in denial? Am I trying to convince myself I can be straight when in reality I’m not? I get very upset because there’s proof that I could be a lesbian. I used to watch a lot of porn, but not only that. I got aroused by music videos with women in it, twerking, lesbian porn, weird lesbian pictures, and lesbian cartoons. I liked watching that stuff, but yet I was okay with it back then. It didn’t bother me, and I still sought after guys while I was in school. I stopped watching all that stuff in may/June, then finally admitted to my boyfriend that I used to do it in July/August. That’s when my hocd started, and I noticed that my masturbation could have meant something. :( someone please help.

So I probably have Rocd (have i really?) Just a bit of backstory so I can explain my dilemma. I‘ve been together with my ex boyfriend for 2 years and till then everything was perfectly fine. Then all of a sudden I had thoughts that gave me the worst panic attacks ever. Like I have to leave him, i don’t know if I love him anymore, I didn’t want to be touched and kinda went out of his way. I felt so anxious cause i didn’t know what was happening - he was my best friend. The anxiety and the panic attacks got worse and I couldn’t eat at all. After a break I decided to break up with him cause I felt the urge to leave. I couldn’t handle these attacks anymore. We tried to get back together but it wasn’t working. So then I thought maybe it wasn’t my rocd. Even though i was obsessed with reading articles about relationships and how to not leave my partner. After 1 year I met a super cool and loving guy. We have a real connection and I can’t imagine that someone else would ever understand me like he does. It all was perfectly fine until he wanted me to be his girlfriend. I was anxious. I started to have thoughts like what if I’m not liking him that much, what If I just pretend to like him but I actually don’t, is this enough because I am not feeling these butterflies and so on.. We do have moments where I am super happy or I feel like telling him that I love him but the next minute my brain tells me it’s not real. That actually I don’t want all of this. I‘m feeling so sick sometimes that I can’t get out of bed. Sometimes I love having him around and sometimes I just want to be alone. But when he’s gone I feel worse.. I am sometimes even afraid that he’s texting me and asking me If i want to hang out. I really like him but I feel like my rocd will eventually tear everything apart :( I am scared that I want to break up because my brain tells me so.. I have so many panic attacks that I hardly come back down without any medication. I have the urge to read endlessly about relationships and love just to find the answer that I am looking for.. Sorry for the long text!..

Hi there, I'm living in the UK and have found this app really useful! Thank you for all your hard work. I am wondering if it is possible for me to access therapy through you or if it's US only? Thanks, Rachel

HOCD TRIGGER// TW so when I was about 10, I remember was sleeping over at my friend’s house. i remember nothing else except when she fell asleep, i was staring at the ceiling and I was thinking to myself “i’m a lesbian.” nothing had happened, but for some reason i was thinking that. i’ve gone over that night a thousand times over and over but I can’t remember anything else. then, when I was 11, I remember I was thinking about being a lesbian for a few days (probably 2). during these few days, i looked up the hashtag #lesbian on instagram, stared at girls butts at volleyball practice trying to see if I liked them, and one night, i went downstairs to sit with my parents far past my bedtime. my dad had been drinking and for some reason, the topic of who i would marry came up and he said “when you marry a man, hell you might even marry a woman!” and I felt happy that he had said that because I was thinking about it at the time and i thought to myself “oh my god he just said that” and i sat down with my mom and i felt happy that he would accept me? so i think what caused those few days of questioning was a “crush” i had on an older girl at girl scout camp. i say “crush” because i don’t know if it was; i don’t THINK it was. I thought she was very cool and I wanted to be her friend and she dressed so cool and I was excited that we were in the same group and so in my head I was like “you have a crush on her” but I was like ????what I don’t think so anyways after those few days of questioning, i completely forgot about it and just carried on being completely boy obsessed. never crushed on girls, never looked at women in “that way”, i was really just boy crazy. later that year, I had my first “big crush” on a boy at school. I thought he was the best person to ever exist. my heart raced when he texted me, i thought about him 24/7, I was in a generally euphoric state during the period which i felt I was in “love” with him. i would lay awake at night happy crying because i liked him so much. id write his name on the shower door, id talk to anyone and everyone about him, etc. this carried on for about six months, but he was never interested in me so i moved on. fyi i’m young for my grade so this all happened in sixth grade/summer leading up to 7th. I also started puberty at around 9. i never, never ever felt about a girl the way i have felt about boys that i’ve liked. all of these things above make me feel like I HAVE to be a lesbian. I feel like i’ve been lying to everyone on this app because i haven’t disclosed the above memories. i’m so sorry, i’d really appreciate your honesty.

⚠️may be very very triggering for pocd⚠️ YouTubers exposed This is weird to say, but I’ve recently found out that some YouTubers, who I’ve admired for quite a long time, are pedos. I feel very weird because I am struggling with pocd. It’s also weird because they were known to be humble people, and now they are very evil. Some say that they did there actions because of there power on YouTube. They had so many underage fans. It kind of gave me anxiety because I also have somewhat of fans on twitch and soon on YouTube. Thank God I know that those actions are wrong and disgusting, but it also kinda grew my pocd. I guess I’ll just have to live with the anxiety when I try to grow my own platform.I’m not looking for reassurance, I just wanted to write this out. If your a kid ( I’m also a kid), you might want to be cautious about being a fan CallMeCarson and Mini Ladd. It’s just a weird topic that gives me anxiety, but it’s also just a crazy case. What do you guys think about the pedo YouTubers abusing their power on underage kids? ( obviously it’s bad, but what do you think about the YouTubers I’ve mentioned? We’re you once a fan of them?)

does every time you get an intrusive sexual image distress you? usually it does but sometimes it doesn’t for me and i analyze it. i ask “why did that not distress me” “what’s wrong with me” “did i do that on purpose”??? Anyone else gone through this or just me? is it still ocd even tho the thought didn’t distress me as much as it usually does?

When I look at pictures of myself, I see a young woman who deserves a fulfilling life that is not dictated by OCD and anxiety. I feel sad that so much of my time, my energy, and my choices have been consumed by OCD. I spend so much time in my head, ruminating and worrying and trying so damn hard to figure out that one thing that my OCD urgently presses me to solve. Sometimes I don't enjoy things that I want to because I'm overwhelmed with my compulsions. I've struggled with this for years, and lately OCD has been telling me that the struggle will never end--that I'll never feel in control of my life. I know that this isn't true, but I'm so scared that it could be. My faith doesn't feel bigger than my fear right now. How do I change that? I don't want to live like this anymore. As I'm writing this, my OCD is telling me that I'm incapable of recovery, but I know I can recover. I deserve to recover. I'm in therapy with an OCD specialist outside of this app and I'm going to increase the frequency of my sessions from once a month to once a week because I deserve an amazing, fulfilling life. And to whoever is reading this, you do, too.

Hello All - I am new here and I struggle with rumination obsessive thinking and invasive thoughts around sexuality. What a strange predicament to be in.

Hi - my daughter for the past 3 months has had thoughts she is becoming gay. She was completely straight before then and she has had active crushes on guys. She currently obsesses on being gay all day and she feels like the thoughts are so real. She is 12 going on 13. She has even started questioning her crushes by saying “did I even like them”. She looks at girls and wonders if she will kiss them or she thinks they are pretty and then gets worried she might act upon her thoughts. I am just not sure how to help her . I think this is HOCD

How many of yall miss "the old you" before you had OCD symptoms?

I’ve relapsed. I feel horrible. Everything feels so real and resisting compulsions (when I can make myself) makes me so anxious and upset I can hardly function. Especially when it’s just one trigger after another throughout my day. ERP is so much harder and I’m much more discouraged. Any advice on how I can get back to where I was? I know recovery and progress isn’t linear, but I was finally feeling happier about my life—I was finally starting to enjoy things again!—and I’ve relapsed and I hate feeling this horribly anxious and sad again. Please, any advice?

Is it possible to develop tolerance to stimulant medications in just 3 days in anyone else’s experience? Today was my 3rd day of Vyvanse and I feel like I’ve “crashed” for lack of a better word. I’m not sure what to make of this. I felt great on Day 1 of Vyvanse.

some thoughts today: the reason my hocd started was because of an intrusive thought during masturbation about this girl i thought i liked at the time and i freaked out and then from there had the thought “what if i’m lesbian” and that’s how it started. but now i’m worried i actually did like her because i thought i did before i began to obsess over my sexuality but i kind of just pushed that thought away and forgot about it. but my question i’m asking myself is why did i attach myself so strongly to her? this has happened before and now i realize that it might be part of my bpd. in fact i know it is. people with bpd we attach ourselves to anyone we think won’t abandon us or otherwise people who have gone through the same thing (trauma). i’m convinced i did like her but why was i so relieved after i stopped obsessing over her? like i’m just not sure. i’m worried i’m just in denial about why this all started. i am also aware that when i attach myself to one person sometimes i just THINK i like the person but in reality i just need protection and support from emotional pain. maybe actual attraction and obsession aren’t directly related to each other with someone with borderline personality disorder.

Does anyone else empathise and sympathise with villains a lot? Idk I guess part of me sees this as a good thing because if I can feel bad for someone so evil, I guess I must be empathetic and open minded. It’s just really hard when it happens in real life situations. Like I’ll feel bad for terrible terrible people and sometimes see things from their point of view and it makes me feel evil and guilty.

I am having such a hard time, I cry uncontrollably and I’m scared to see my bf. He works at this place I’m going today w my cousin to get some stuff from there and I’m upset at him (which he doesn’t know) because I’m upset he said “I’ve watched attractive people” which he meant on porn and it contradicts other things he has said like “I don’t watch just one girl that’s weird” “no Jaz attractive doesn’t mean I’m turned on, I’m only turned on by you” but than he said watched “watched” “attractive” “people” meaning girls meaning he’s watching the girl and idk if that means he is thinking of the girl being attractive or looking for a video based on that.. but that contradicts what he says and I’m not okay with that even though he doesn’t do that anymore. It really doesn’t help when someone says it’s normal for guys to do that and etc cuz not every guy is the same and it upsets me he would think that while watching porn because I didn’t I would watch something that attracts me but I don’t even think about the person or anything like oh they are this or that.. I don’t do that because that’s personal and he said it’s not personal and I just don’t know what he means but also what he said seems explanatory enough and I can’t ask for reassurance because he’s gonna be honest like ya they are attractive or whatever which upsets me.. it’s different than if someone isn’t naked and they are attractive but then on porn? Idk that’s messed up to me. I don’t think that stuff while watching and he said he doesn’t consider girls “hot” but then what does attractive mean while he’s watching ? What attracts him? Doesn’t he mean he watches if they are attractive meaning their body? Cuz he said he isn’t going to watch someone who is ugly but that literally means watching the girl or the person and he told me no that doesn’t mean that.. at least I don’t think so. Everyone doesn’t understand me and they think it’s not a big deal but I want to ask him because in general I’m not okay with that and it’s okay to tell him how I feel about certain things even tho he doesn’t do it anymore. I get it don’t ask for reassurance and I wanna recover I do, but if he said something that obviously isn’t reassuring it upsets me like I feel like other ppl’s partners will reassure them when there partners ask them (even if they have ocd) and they get reassured but with this there is no reassuring thing to say to that I feel... so I’m stuck and upset and I don’t wanna keep crying and I don’t wanna feel anxious around him and not be able to function so I can go to the store and have fun w my cousin and get stuff we wanna get. I have already tried to meditate and I did for 15 min and the whole time I was crying .. the thoughts are stickier but I’m not doing compulsions maybe ruminating but I’m not reassuring myself because I don’t think it’s possible to do that when it’s something someone said and it seems legit, like they really mean it.. idk. What type of rocd subtype is this? Real event rocd ? Idk ugh. There is nothing online about obsessing over what someone said and how it upsets you and etc.

anyone else get this around the age of 14/15. i feel like i’m the only one 😔

The sides of depression no one talks about: not showering, not brushing your teeth, not eating at all or when you do eat it’s super unhealthy, not washing your hair, less or no contact with friends and loved ones, laying in bed all day only to get up and use the bathroom, detaching from society and anything outdoors. Does anyone want to talk about these or even add to these sides of depression? I’m here for you and don’t feel ashamed.

I've been keeping my HOCD soooo well in check to the point where I could say I don't have it pretty much. But now I'm getting the anxiety again along with major anxiety from TODC (transgender OCD) it's so stupid I had it fixed and now after almost a month it's coming back along with another theme. I can't. Any tips? Or something that could help stop these themes from coming back?

I just don't know what's going on anymore. Or what to do in the present. I always think about the past because I was happier than I am now. I was always excited to wake up every single day to do what I love doing and never got tired of it. I loved the quality time I spent with my family and friends. I loved school. I loved going outside. Everything that I had in my life at the time was great. I always find my mind thinking of the past to either want to go back to it or wish I either did or didn't do things I did or encountered things I did at the time whether I wanted to or not. I was someone growing up with no worries at all. Everything's different now. I don't know what's going on as much. I don't have an much friends as I did before. I don't spend much time with my family compared to how I did before. High school wasn't fun for me. College is even worse. I'm stuck at home not able to do much. For most of my days, I want to try and visit all the things that make me happy as much as I can. Nothing ever feels long term even it comes to my happiness. I do laugh, smile, and have fun with the people I care about, but it never gives me a lasting feeling. All my mind does is wander all over the place. No matter how hard I seem to try with what I think about, it never fails to think of the bad things that have happened in my life, even while in the mixture of the good things. It completely censors the good things I've had in my life and only glorifies the bad. Every single day I wake up, I think nothing but bad thoughts, bad visions, mistakes that I've made, traumatic events I've encountered and blaming myself for those events on end, and always wanting to go back. Anytime I try my best to fight against the bad thoughts, bad feelings, bad visions, they only work for so long. Video games is one thing that I enjoy very much, and while playing all day today, I slowly kept getting more sad and sad. Until just minutes ago, I just broke out in tears. This has happened several times whenever I think deeply into my childhood. It just makes me very emotional and torn up. Why is this happening to me? Why do I keep thinking I'm going to go to jail? Why do I keep having intrusive thoughts? Why do I keep worrying about things even if things seem completely fine? Why does my mind find any bad thing it can and magnify the event too make it seem more important than it really is? Why can't I think of anything positive? I have plenty of positive things to think about that I could visit, but my mind never does it. Why do I always assume the worst in everything? Why do I always dwell on what I don't have? Why do I keep thinking everyone I care about and love will one day hate me and never forgive me or take me back? Why do I feel like my life is in danger? All of these questions I managed to think of, but none of them I can answer. What's going on? Why is this happening? What caused this? What did I do to deserve this? Whatever it was, I'm terribly sorry. I don't intend to hurt people, or bother anyone. I don't ever want to make it seem like anyone is deserving of pain. I just want to be happy again. I don't know who to talk to further about this. I don't know who can help me. Some days I'm happy, some days I'm not. I just want to stay on a consistent trail, and throw all my worries away. I just want my life back, really. Do I not deserve that?