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the NOCD Community

I ✨hate✨ my life.

I feel like the ocd faded... I feel like a lier... I feel like I am truly not in love with my partner when deep down I know I am... I wanna be like how I was with him before not like I know I truly don’t love him... 😞😞😭

Has anyone ever struggled with the fact that you did something unintentional but horribly racist in the past? I’m talking about a real event (i.e made a micro aggression without realizing how offensive it was) rather than just having an intrusive thought. Is it a compulsion if you want to apologize to the person you think you hurt even if this was years ago?

i just don’t think i can have lesbian fantasies and still call myself straight. even tho i cry a lot about thinking i’m bi and i usually feel bad after i fantasize about that stuff.

Can ocd make me lose interest in things. And sometimes not make me hungry and feel like eating?

I have no idea if these thoughts and feelings are real ? 😞

Does anyone else do this: like I’ll reassure myself (I know, a compulsion, yikes!) and then immediately after I’ll go “well what if that’s wrong” or disagree with whatever reassured me. Or even if someone else is reassuring me the doubt is still there saying like, “well you’re hiding being bad from them so obviously they’d say that” or “they don’t know the real you” etc?? Anyone else discount reassurance even tho it helps??

Where I'm getting stuck is that there are two approaches in therapy. And the two contradict each other. 1. Experience the intrusive thought, don't do the compulsion. 2. Do an exposure. I don't believe I can move forward because the two contradict each other. I don't understand how people go through ERP and come out feeling better from OCD. I don't get it. I'm trying to do both #1 and #2, but the two just clash. What am I doing incorrectly?

Just ranting because I need to get it out but it definitely could be a trigger for some so I’m marking it just in case❤️ So I have yet to be professionally diagnosed with OCD (covid makes it difficult to see someone to help, but the appointment has been made and is coming up)... and this very well could not be OCD... but after falling down a rabbithole of googling and searching trying to figure out what the hell was wrong with me, I’ve come to the realization that I seem to relate heavily to SOOCD and ROCD. I’ve been diagnosed with GAD by my GP but it is so so much more than that. I moved out of my parents house a few months ago to go to school and start my own life. After a few weeks I felt like I didn’t have any control over anything that was happening and just couldn’t shake the anxiety and was obsessing over the fact that I didn’t have control over things I felt were important. This constant anxiety took a sharp left turn to attack both my sexuality and my (extremely healthy) relationship. I had a very very vivid intrusive thought about cheating on my boyfriend with a girl I was supposed to hang out with later that day. As you can imagine, that sent me spiraling. Trying to analyze and figure out what that thought meant just overtook my life. I’ve never questioned my sexuality before, always considered myself straight.... but that changed everything. That one thought now constantly plays in my mind and starts to try to connect itself to others.... which makes me constantly fear I’m actually gay and not the person I thought I was. Now it’s gotten to the point where I analyze the way I dress because I’m not “feminine” enough or because I do or like things that people have stereotyped with others being gay/bisexual. It’s even gone as far to attack my relationship with my best friend and thinking that I see her as more than that when I never have. Then I get triggered by words like “gay” or “lesbian” or anything that relates. I even get worried that my own family sees something in me that I have just been seemingly ignoring my entire life:( just writing this and seeing it out of my mind makes me so anxious. As you can imagine, this goes hand-in-hand when dealing with (what I believe is) ROCD. I love my boyfriend, I know that I do. We’ve been together for almost a year now and I know that in the part of my brain that is still me, I want a future with him by my side. But having these constant fears about my sexuality, I then started to doubt my relationship with him. I feel like I’m leading him on by telling him I do love him... and even doubting the fact that I ever loved him in the first place :( I hate questioning everything I thought I knew. Because now I can hardly recognize what thoughts are real and what aren’t. Feeling so guilty about having these constant thoughts that I feel like I have to confess all of them to him... which I’ve done multiple times but it doesn’t help much. (Thankfully he is amazing and isn’t willing to give up on me because he knows I’m really struggling with my mental health) I can’t even tell if I’m actually attracted to him anymore or not and that kills me because I know exactly what I want. He’s not someone I’m willing to lose:( These thoughts run CONSTANTLY in my brain and it’s genuinely ruining my life. I feel like I can’t do anything without obsessing and searching for answers and reassuring myself that they’re not my real thoughts. That I’m safe and that I do know who I am. My body and mind are so tired from the anxiety, I can’t get these thoughts to go away even when I try to sleep, and I feel like I’m pushing everyone away because I can’t tell who I am anymore. What scares me more than anything is that the therapists and doctors aren’t going to find anything wrong which is going to prove those thoughts right... or treatment/help isn’t doing to do anything and these thoughts are true. I just want to be back to the person I know that I am. Now I’m not searching for the reassurance because I know (If it really is what I think it is) it’s not helpful, but I definitely needed to get all of that out and off my chest since it feels like it’s eating me up inside... I don’t know where else to do that so... here we are😅 even if you don’t believe this to be OCD, any advice is greatly appreciated. Thank you, if you did read thus far... that’s definitely not everything thats going on/that has happened, but it’s as much as my brain can handle spitting out. So sorry for rambling

Has anyone ever gotten the thought “what if I did x and didn’t realize it was wrong”? It started off as “what if I did x and forgot” but it’s kind of shifted into what if I didn’t realize? Anyone else?

i’m at one of the lowest points i’ve ever been at and i don’t know what to do. it’s been 6 months since this started. 6 months of horrendous thoughts every single day. i don’t know what to do. i feel like life is passing by me and i’m wasting my precious time. i don’t know what to do for treatment. i’m still a teenager and what if i’m like this for the rest of my life? i feel so lost.

I have an advice. Never, ever, take things on NoFap seriously. Especially ones about HOCD. Because they are all nonsense. It was a great trigger for me, but now I realize that how silly all those posts about HOCD are. They are not even not HOCD at all, according to some articles. (I also don't believe that they have hocd at all, they just sound as people who have some other issues rather than ocd). So, never take any of them seriously. Never read any posts on internet, even on ocd forums. First of all it is a compulsion, and secondly most of those sufferers are just self diagnosed who talks nonsense and it will trigger your brain. Much Love <3

How do I know it’s HOCD and nosy questioning? My obsession seems to have stemmed from questioning. I’ve had gay thoughts and fantasies and have looked at/masturbtaed to attarctive men/gay porn. But I’ve always been sure of my attarction to women. I’ve always considered myself straight, if not slightly bisexual etc. I’ve always been sure of my attraction to women. As I began obsessing on the possibility I was more attracted to gay stuff then straught stuff. It seemed I had lost my attraction to women, overnight. I wasn’t getting aroused at straight porn or photos of attractive women, all of which had previously aroused me. It seemed to happen in a day, ever since then my mind has been in distress. It’s been on my mind ever since, really stressing me out. The possibility I’ve lost my attraction is so scary and distressing to me. It’s on my mind 24/7. Because I know I might already have a slight attraction to guys, my mind is terrified that this could mean I’m fully gay. I’ve always been attracted to women now suddenly I’m scared I’m not and it feels so damn real. Does this sound like HOCD ? I’m really scared man

Hi guys. I really just need someone to talk to about all this. I think I may have OCD but I’m not sure and I’m so terrified and so sick of all of it. I recently had obsessions from the fear that I was a horrible horrible monster, a pedo, that and groinal responses made my life so horrible. I spent so much time googling and researching and what I was experiencing seemed to be POCD, it felt mild it didn’t occupy me at all times but when it did it was so horrible I felt so terrible I felt so sick. However I felt like I managted to deal with it, the intensity waxed and waned I guess. And it feels like it’s disappeared. Recently however I’ve been questioning my own sexuality, I’ve always been quite comfortable iwtg my sexuality. I understand that it’s a spectrum and while I identify as straight, I may find some men attarctive or enjoy some aspects of gay centric porn. I’ve occasionally had gay fantasies before and looked at/masturbated to gay fantasies or attractive men/some gay porn. I’ve always considered myself straight, if not slightly bisexual/her to heretoflexible or whatever. However recently it began troubling me I began to obsess whether I was enjoying gay things more than straight things. I have always been romantically and sexually attracted in women, that I was 100 percent sure of. With guys it was more of a questioning thing but girls always 100%. As I began to question all of this, I started obsessing I’d do so much research and have so many questions about it. And then one time I watched straight porn and I started obsessing on whether I really enjoyed it or not. Later when I looked at it again, I didn’t get aroused, in my mind I was attracted but physically in terms of erection I wasn’t. I kept looking at photos or videos of attractive women that had once aroused me but I was getting nothing. All the stuff I looked at that previously aroused me seemed like it was doing nothing, at one point I felt like I had no attraction at all. This made me start obsessing on whether I was truly sexually attracted to women, something that’s so scary to me for some reason. I’ve always been attracted to women always but how have I suddenly lost my attraction. This scares me even more as I have a girlfriend who I love very much and and have always really attracted to, we were together the other day and were very intimate and I really enjoyed it, and I was aroused during it. Yet when I looked at the same porn or photos or what not o still wasn’t getting aroused. I’m so scared that I’ve lost my attraction to women.I’m so terrified I’ve lost my attraction, I’ve always seen myslef with women and it feels so weird. I want to have this relationship with this girl and I really do desire it to be romantic and sexual, but what if it isn’t? The thought keeps lingering in my head, what if you would of enjoyed it more with a guy, and at times that really put me off. This fear this doubt keeps harassing my mind and I keep imaging scenarios where I end up being gay and I feel so terrible, what if I’m leading her on, what if I end up hurting her. I have no problem with attraction to guys, I’m pretty sure almost eveyone is slightly bisexual, one way or the other and I’m at peace with that. I’m scared that I’ve lost my attraction to women, while previously with my other scary obsessions, I didn’t want to be aroused, now o want to be aroused and it seems like it’s not happening. It seems like every gay experience/thougjt ive had is amplified 100 percent, while all my straight experiences are diminished. I’m not scared of being slightly attracted to guys but now I’m terrified I’ve lost my attarction to women. It’s constantly on my mind, 24/7. It makes me feel so sick and so distressed. And in my mind I’m not sure whether I’m questioning or it’s an obsession. It’s so scary, it genunuly feels like I’ve lost my attraction. I’ve done so much googling and research, I guess to provide redassurance but at times it’s made me more stressed Is this OCD or am I just questioning ? This all seemed to happen overnight, I’m really scared.

How old was you when you got your ocd. Is it even possible to get it at 34? Someone I knew was involved with something that seemingly triggered me. I am a dad and was normal in September, how can your life feel like it’s been stolen from you. I can’t enjoy anything anymore. Please can we have a discussion of how you best deal with it. People that have beaten it? I don’t want this ever.

I’ve been struggling and recovering from sexual orientation and harm ocd since 2012 on my own. Over the past couples years, my libido has gonna down so much that I don’t even think about dating anymore; I feel indifferent towards guys and dating. The indifference makes me think that I must be a lesbian since I’m not interested in any guys right now and then it’s the same never ending cycle of thoughts and wondering if that what’s my whole family thinks of me too. ::sigh:: this cycle gets exhausting. Hoping therapy helps

I feel like I wanna do stuff with my brother like once we were play fighting and his head was near my neck and his lips touched my neck it felt kinda good but I don’t want but my brain was like it feels good and maybe 10 mins ago I had thoughts of my brother and also urges wtf is wrong with me

I don’t know what to do. I’ve taken so many tests that have always come out as me being heterosexual; I’ve made a list of reasons why I am and why I’m not gay, and the reasons why I’m gay list has three points that are just that I find girls pretty and I liked the way my friend smelled when the reasons why I’m not gay list has so many points that literally proves I’m not gay; I’ve only ever been interested in sex with men and relationships with men; I’ve always fantasised about men and have always wanted to date and have sex with men, and I still can’t seem to prove I’m straight. I seem to be having a lot of groinal responses at the moment and I can’t help but think that I get turned on by girls when I don’t feel like this when I’m with my boyfriend. Although when I’m alone and am turned on, the only person I want to be with me is my boyfriend, and he’s the only person I think about. I don’t want to be gay, I don’t want to be bisexual. I don’t want it. I don’t want to like girls and yet I feel like I have to because I’m getting these responses when I don’t seem to get them with men. It’s ruining my Christmas and I’m fed up with it. I want to be straight, be happy knowing I’m straight, and enjoy my life with my boyfriend who I love very, very much. But I feel like I’m in denial and that I lie when I answer those sexual orientation questionnaires. I feel like I’m just lying to myself. I’m terrified that I’d like kissing a girl if I ever did it and I don’t want to ever like it because I don’t want that.

does anyone else’s SO-OCD start with sexual thoughts and then once you kinda habituated with those ones and came to a conclusion, they switched to romantic thoughts??? i’ve never thought ab actually dating a girl until now and it feels like i want too even thought i’ve only ever been sexually/romantically attracted to guys and love men

Having a really down day today. My ex girlfriend broke up with me in October and we planned so much to do for Christmas and now I’m spending it alone. She has already moved onto someone now and it just really irritates me because she told me she wanted to be single for awhile and was dating 3 weeks after we finished.