Welcome to
the NOCD Community

TW: GENDER OCD Okay, I posted a lil while ago about SO-OCD, but I have recently been suffering Gender OCD too. And unlike SO-OCD, this one is blowing a hole through my heart. I have never once questioned my gender. I’ve helped my trans and NB friends come out, and never once thought about my gender. But ever since my SO-OCD started and then died down, the thoughts about my gender cropped up. They range from two thoughts: I’m nonbinary, or I’m a gay trans dude in denial. And the latter one freaks me out so much, because I love reading queer media (I’m bi, and so many of my fave book series focus on gay couples), and my brain uses that as an excuse that I like it because I actually AM a gay guy. The thought is paralyzingly, and I can’t even begin to think of a way to overcome it like SO-OCD because the thought of me ‘accepting’ it as true scares the hell out of me. I can’t enjoy my favourite books anymore, or my favourite TV shows/movies. Anything with a gay couple makes my brain think I want to literally be one of them, when before I could just enjoy it for what it was, a story with queer characters. My connection to my gender is something I’ve always held dear to me, and the thought of being pulled from it is heartbreaking, and also makes me feel extremely guilty because I support trans rights so much, so why am I so scared of being trans/NB? How do I even begin to get over this when the idea of accepting the thought terrifies me? How do I begin to convince the anxiety that just because I enjoyed reading/watching something doesn’t mean I actually want it to happen in real life?

Anybody else letting OCD overtake so much it starts to push people away? I feel like such a burden and I hate my OCD.

God i wish i could just stop thinking/obsessing about everything. Like i just sit here and think “this is so fucking stupid”, why cant i just go back to living life and worrying about other things like school. I havent done any school work since august, im failing horribly. But i have no strength to do it. I cant focus cause my intrusive thoughts bring me down. I just want to be myself again :(

Just spent the last hour asking my boyfriend the same questions over and over and confessing about how he is too stupid for me and how we probably arent supposed to be together. And asking him if he is stupid and why and everything. On a loop. "Why do you hate me so much?", "why do you want me to die", "why are you so mean to me?", and reacting when he doesnt answer "correctly". And something the back of my mind begs me to stop, but I just HAVE TO keep going ... I feel bad. And guilty. And I am. I am being abusive towards my boyfriend by telling him he's stupid and asking why he wants me to die. And all I want is for us to just ... hug and have a good time. But my mind goes crazy and I loose my mind. I feel crazy and like I cant stop. And even now typing how I realize this is wrong and Im being rude and disrespectful all I can think is "what if he is stupid!?!?!", "what if we shouldnt be together" and needing to figure it out. It all makes me want to stop existing. Im so sick of being like this. Sabotaging everything. Do I choose to be like this? We all have free will dont we? So Im basically choosing to be abusive towards my bf? What if I dont love him or what if I hate him? Is this normal ROCD? Or am I just blaming OCD for being a shitty person?

I'm having such a terrible fucking day to the point where I don't even know who I keep acting on impulses my mind thinks nothing but the worst and I'm just so alone and don't really have anyone as a distraction because they're all so busy. I guess one thing I do is that I don't want sexual activity in my life for quite a while but I can't even help it because aside from my mind making every thought negative it also makes everything sexual which may have to do with hormones. I really don't know what to do anymore.

How long has it taken you to get better? Has it been hard for you to discipline yourself in therapy? Not in terms of being responsible, but rather in terms of overcoming the difficulties that your OCD puts in your way towards working on therapy.

I feel like I lost the battle. I feel like I have so much evidence and I don't want to admit it. All reasurances confirm my fear. I don't know what my compulsions are. Please someone help me by answering. Sorry.

I posted yesterday evening about how my husband had both of our boys (ages 2.5 and almost 4) in the car with him yesterday and when our boys were fighting and screaming at each other my husband got frustrated and smacked my older son in the face. Afterwords once my husband gained control of his emotions he apologized to our son and he said he felt horrible when he saw that our son flinched and shied away from him at first when he went to apologize. This is the first time my husband has done something like this. We don’t spank our kids. For the whole rest of the afternoon yesterday I did not let my husband be alone with the kids. It was exhausting because normally he’s a very involved parent and I’m also four months pregnant. Last night we spoke about what happened a little more and he said he realizes he made a mistake and that I’m just going to have to trust him that it won’t happen again. But of course all the what-if’s are gnawing at me. I’ve spent hours upon hours reading mommy/parenting forums online (like reddit and babycenter) where women have shared stories of their husbands hitting their kids and all the responses are like “call cps” “he needs anger management therapy” or “you need to leave.” The small “rational” part of me is saying this is an isolated incident and he is a great dad and it’s okay to move forward without making this a huge deal. He made a mistake and apologized. He acknowledges that what he did does not align with our parenting values. The anxious part of me is saying that I’m a horrible mother if I let him be alone around the kids and that of course this will happen again and that I need to stop trusting my husband altogether. I am having trouble functioning normally today because of how physically anxious I feel. My husband, I can tell, is tired of talking about this. I think he wants to move on. But my anxiety is saying that he just wants to move on because he isn’t really as remorseful as he should be. I guess this is like real event ocd/harm ocd but in regards to someone else who I can’t really control... which makes it all the more maddening. All I have to go off of is his character and his previous behavior and I know I need to make a conscious decision whether or not to trust him. Has anyone else struggled with a situation like this? Any other moms who can give input? I know so many other women in this scenario would say “trust your gut” but I know because of my anxiety my gut is not very trustworthy.

I’ve been feeling so down and not good about myself struggling with depression my anxiety got better and less thoughts but I just feel like this huge failure bc I just turned 25 and thought I’d have my life in order by now and my illness makes me feel even lesss worthy

I’m currently seeing a therapist and ERP is going okay however I haven’t told her about my worst ocd topic because I feel too scared to tell her. I haven’t told anyone before because I’m scared it will make me seem like an evil person and I know that’s just giving the fear power but how do I tell someone the most disturbing thought in my head?

I don’t think I will ever get better

outta curisoity, how old were you guys when you got your onset of ocd? do you remember the day/or moment it happened? mine was so sudden and recent :(. im only 19

I have pocd and I woke up from a bad dream I think it involved me trying to kiss a younger boy or something (im not the best at remembering dreams) I feel so awful, feel like the worst person in the world for it

For fellow Christians: I find it so hard when scripture, books and mature Christians tell us to pray more. Prayer is my HUGE compulsion and it's the most painful thing ever 😖😔all joy and comfort of prayer has been robbed of me. I will start crying (if I'm by myself) when I try to pray about things because of the overwhelming thoughts I get. I wish He would just take it off me😔but I must go through this.. Any advice or stories would help me. I appreciate it. Thank you

therapist asked me what type of men i feel attracted to, them they corrected themselves and said “think i’m attracted to.” this triggered me extremely. then i said just men in general until they suggested some types of men and i settled on men my age are my biggest trigger. then they said it’s interesting that it’s not older men. it was like they implied i’m just not attracted to guys my age. extremely triggering. & when i asked them to clarify what’s interesting about that; since you know, they said is important to know that it’s not older men, they kept saying they couldn’t give me reassurance. but i was asking them to explain a vague sentence they made??? that’s my right as a patient

Hocd is making me say stuff i dont want to ? 😞

i’m not sure if i’m recognizing that I have never been without HOCD or that i’m gay/bisexual. I’m so worried because I’ve literally had the thoughts every day for seven years and I’m always just seeking reassurance in lowkey ways. i worry that every female friend is a crush or is trying to hit on me. i’m never not doing compulsions. I haven’t taken my medication in 3 months. I need to.

All of a sudden, I feel really embarrassed and disgusted because of all the porn I used to watch in my teen years. Since late October, I've been trying to cut porn out of my life and thinking about it realizes how uncomfortable the things I used to watch make me feel now. I also feel like my rambling thoughts about inappropriate sexual themes are because of porn. I'm just trying to reboot my mind so I can think better and not get so caught up with sexual things. Especially in the mist of this pandemic. I hope nothing is wrong with me.

Don’t know how to feel anymore. I went to my 1st prenatal appt today to confirm the pregnancy. I saw the heartbeat and saw the fetus and sac and everything. Fetus has a good heartbeat all looks well. I got sad and tears eyed when I saw the ultrasound because I feel like a sad, lost and confused soul. I didn’t feel maternal when I saw the ultrasound. The dr asked if I even wanted to see and hear the heartbeat since I told her I want sure if I wanted to continue with it. I insisted . She did prescribe Zoloft in a higher dose than I had before which I think was 50mg. I have another appt next week to make my decision. Otherwise if I continue with the pregnancy my next prenatal would be in 12 weeks(I’m apparently 7 weeks 1 day.) My thoughts which had subsided and weren’t causing me as much stress anymore started ruminating again. Telling myself I can’t live with uncertainties not when it comes to bringing a child into this world and even without the thoughts I feel as if I just don’t see myself being a mother and doing the whole mother thing. I was thinking “ maybe if it’s a boy I’ll keep it, but I can’t have a girl” who thinks like this?? Then this morning before my appt I really started thinking like “ doesn’t matter what the gender is ... what if you’re attracted to your child or abuse them eventually because the thoughts won’t ever end. To make matters worse by bf seems to think I’m gonna go through with the pregnancy , sees it as a fur sure thing and asks everyday if I’ve take my prenatals and stuff. I feel so sad as a human being. The whole country seems to be focused on the elections and the pandemic and I’m Worried about my thoughts, being a “ P” feeling like I am one. There’s a battle /war in my head about keeping or terminating. I’m just trying to be a “ normal” person and live a day at a time. I wish I had none of these worries.

Two nights in a row now, but ever since I had this fear, I’ve been having more and more lesbian sex dreams. But a couple of times it’s felt like I had the choice to not do it, but did it anyway because I just wanted it that bad. Like I actively chose to initiate sex in a dream that otherwise wouldn’t have it, as if I were lucid. Then right when the actual sex stuff starts happening I IMMEDIATELY wake up and go, what the fuck? I literally dreamt about POSTING IM THIS FORUM AND ASKING WHY I GENUINELY FIND WOMEN SO SEXY and not men. I’m tired. It’s making me think I’m actually gay. It doesn’t help that I think about the fact that my first ever wet dreams were gay, even when I was too young to understand sex they manifested as just boobs everywhere. I’ve had more lesbian sex dreams than straight, although I definitely wake up happier and feeling more fulfilled from the straight ones. The lesbian ones always kinda made me feel weirded out, but back then I was able to forget about it.