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Hocd is making me say stuff i dont want to ? 😞

i’m not sure if i’m recognizing that I have never been without HOCD or that i’m gay/bisexual. I’m so worried because I’ve literally had the thoughts every day for seven years and I’m always just seeking reassurance in lowkey ways. i worry that every female friend is a crush or is trying to hit on me. i’m never not doing compulsions. I haven’t taken my medication in 3 months. I need to.

All of a sudden, I feel really embarrassed and disgusted because of all the porn I used to watch in my teen years. Since late October, I've been trying to cut porn out of my life and thinking about it realizes how uncomfortable the things I used to watch make me feel now. I also feel like my rambling thoughts about inappropriate sexual themes are because of porn. I'm just trying to reboot my mind so I can think better and not get so caught up with sexual things. Especially in the mist of this pandemic. I hope nothing is wrong with me.

Don’t know how to feel anymore. I went to my 1st prenatal appt today to confirm the pregnancy. I saw the heartbeat and saw the fetus and sac and everything. Fetus has a good heartbeat all looks well. I got sad and tears eyed when I saw the ultrasound because I feel like a sad, lost and confused soul. I didn’t feel maternal when I saw the ultrasound. The dr asked if I even wanted to see and hear the heartbeat since I told her I want sure if I wanted to continue with it. I insisted . She did prescribe Zoloft in a higher dose than I had before which I think was 50mg. I have another appt next week to make my decision. Otherwise if I continue with the pregnancy my next prenatal would be in 12 weeks(I’m apparently 7 weeks 1 day.) My thoughts which had subsided and weren’t causing me as much stress anymore started ruminating again. Telling myself I can’t live with uncertainties not when it comes to bringing a child into this world and even without the thoughts I feel as if I just don’t see myself being a mother and doing the whole mother thing. I was thinking “ maybe if it’s a boy I’ll keep it, but I can’t have a girl” who thinks like this?? Then this morning before my appt I really started thinking like “ doesn’t matter what the gender is ... what if you’re attracted to your child or abuse them eventually because the thoughts won’t ever end. To make matters worse by bf seems to think I’m gonna go through with the pregnancy , sees it as a fur sure thing and asks everyday if I’ve take my prenatals and stuff. I feel so sad as a human being. The whole country seems to be focused on the elections and the pandemic and I’m Worried about my thoughts, being a “ P” feeling like I am one. There’s a battle /war in my head about keeping or terminating. I’m just trying to be a “ normal” person and live a day at a time. I wish I had none of these worries.

Two nights in a row now, but ever since I had this fear, I’ve been having more and more lesbian sex dreams. But a couple of times it’s felt like I had the choice to not do it, but did it anyway because I just wanted it that bad. Like I actively chose to initiate sex in a dream that otherwise wouldn’t have it, as if I were lucid. Then right when the actual sex stuff starts happening I IMMEDIATELY wake up and go, what the fuck? I literally dreamt about POSTING IM THIS FORUM AND ASKING WHY I GENUINELY FIND WOMEN SO SEXY and not men. I’m tired. It’s making me think I’m actually gay. It doesn’t help that I think about the fact that my first ever wet dreams were gay, even when I was too young to understand sex they manifested as just boobs everywhere. I’ve had more lesbian sex dreams than straight, although I definitely wake up happier and feeling more fulfilled from the straight ones. The lesbian ones always kinda made me feel weirded out, but back then I was able to forget about it.

Last night I was in an adult film site and I was like “is there child porn on the newely uploaded section.” Because I read somewhere the website reviews all videos. I had no plan on watching it even if I did see some. Then I saw a video and said to myself “omg is that a child.” And clicked on it to reassure myself and it wasn’t a kid. Now I feel like a purposely wanted to see child porn. :/

Hey guys I’ve had doubting problems about Jesus for about 2 months and now I feel like I have lost faith in the father to. I don’t know what to do and So angry.

THIS IS AN APP FOR PPL WITH MENTAL ILLNESS! PLEASE DO NOT ENCOURAGE FASTING OR ANY TYPE OF DIETING! that is unacceptable

I’m trying to cut out all caffeine as it makes my symptoms worse. Does anyone have good alternatives to waking up in the morning?

I set myself a target to achieve a certain set of grades last year that I didn’t get. Every time I think of it I get anxiety, when I see other people with the results I wanted I get anxiety. I feel demotivated and dumb and although they were predictions from teachers I’m starting to doubt myself. I feel depressed most of the time and can’t even concentrate on the work I’m doing now. I’m literally starting to fall behind. The worst part is that I was so close, I just can’t be bothered to study all over again especially since I didn’t get what I wanted last time. There’s a girl I like who got amazing grades and she seems so motivated and happy and I wish I could feel like that too but I just can’t . I’m constantly obsessing over it Any advice would help because it’s literally taking over my life (please don’t say grades aren’t everything)

Does anyone else feel like their ocd is kinda unexplained? I am lucky enough to not had any childhood trauma or any type of trauma really and ocd doesn’t run in my family. I guess I am kinda confused why I have it if that makes sense.

My thoughts and compulsive behaviors were terrible last week, but now it’s like they’ve almost disappeared. I have my first 90-minute session scheduled with my NOCD therapist for next week but now I’m wondering if I even have ocd or if it’s even worth it for me to meet with my NOCD therapist. Does anyone else have experience with this? Did it affect how long it took for you to seek treatment? I know myself and that most likely if I cancel my upcoming session my brain will latch on to some other thoughts and the circular thinking will probably return. But now I’m second guessing myself because with help on the horizon it’s like my brain has pushed all the anxiety to the side and I feel more “normal” than I’ve felt in a while. I also had a brief last meeting with an intern that I was doing telehealth sessions with through a counseling center and when I told her what my anxiety is like and that I suspect that I may have ocd, she basically questioned me and was like “are you sure?” She said “ocd has two components — obsessions AND compulsions, are you sure you have both of them?” And so since that conversation and since some of my recent thoughts have quieted down, I’m wondering if I’m silly for even being here. I also felt really down after my conversation with her because it made me wonder if there was just no one who can help me. I’ve tried talk therapy and I don’t feel like it helped. But maybe I’m just not trying hard enough. Interested to hear if anyone else has had similar experiences in the process of looking for help or if I’m the only one.

Can someone just talk to me ? I need to let this out . I have no support here no one understands

I'm starting to feel like this obsession will probably end up lingering in my mind for the rest of my life. But, strangely enough, I think I'll be OK either way....

does medication help with stopping ruminating?

Hi everyone! I wanted to ask a quick question. My partner and I are interested in taking the next step in our relationship - getting engaged then getting married. However, I obviously still struggle with ROCD which distresses me. I am very attracted to him, but have these thoughts that “he’s not the right person for you” even though that couldnt seem further from true. If anyone on here is married, can you share how you made the personal decision to get married to your current partner? Thanks in advance!!

Anyone else with hypochondria? My therapist recently diagnosed it as part of my ocd I guess. For example I am terrified to death that I have ADHD and that it is just going under the radar. Any advice on dealing with this type of ocd?

Please, I really need help right now. I know not to ask for reassurance, so all I am asking for is moral support and comfort. I am struggling with what I believe to be a false memory, as it feels virtually indistinguishable from a real memory. It happened almost immediately after the event, which brought great alarm, especially since I couldn’t sort through the gaps in time. The thing is, the images that popped into my head go against all my moral fibers. Deep down I know I would never— or even could ever—bring myself to jeopardize the well-being of anyone. In fact, the first night I had I repeated my actions a few times to prove nothing bad happened. I was able to sleep well at night with only the vague impression of something bad, I think. So, I payed no mind. The next day, it all worsened. I avoided compulsions for a while, but the thought lingered. It startled me, like I thought: “Maybe this is not OCD, what if it really did happened?” Of course, I listed all the reasons why it couldn’t possibly have happened. I physically repeated what I really believe, or hope, happened. Yesterday, or maybe the day prior, I was struck with a vivid image. Again, I avoided compulsions without much anxiety, then I caved in. I asked my family what they thought, watched some videos, and did some research to solidify that what I imagined is a false memory. None of which were much help for long. I even cried later that evening—a couple times. Every time I don’t react to the intrusive thought, a suspicion arises, like it of must be true. But how? I mean, it’s almost entirely improbable. After constantly trying to piece everything together, it just feels like a jumbled mess of fact and fiction. I’m having trouble moving on... I dealt with this in the past and later realized how silly I was, but it always sucks being in the middle of it. I am now questioning, what is real? what is fabricated? I am now unsure of myself and the true nature of who I am. OCD has stripped me of my confidence. I hate this. I truly feel alone and broken as of recent. I wish I could flash forward in time to show myself it’s all OCD trickery. But, unfortunately, I can’t. If this is OCD, I know I should not ask for reassurance, but can anyone give me comfort? Has anyone experienced something similar? If so, what did you do to better yourself? Can you give me some moral support? I am so mortified at the idea of past and prospect of the future. I don’t really have the want to eat as normal and have trouble sleeping at the sheer amount dread and doubt. Thank you and much love!

My therapist who isn’t familiar with all the types of OCD said that there’s something wrong with me and that this isn’t ocd. He said ocd shouldn’t tell you to do things like hurt people. I’m scared.

My life and happines and soul have just been sucked out of me, im so empty and sad and dry, no motivation. I try so hard to find reasons to keep myself going. Struggling to be happy and enjoy things, while deep down i know everything is meaningless when im not myself. Its so freaking hard to stay motivated and do things when in the end its for nothing. If this wont go i wont be happy and thats a fact. If i will never feel like how i used to before hocd i wont ever be happy and thats so scary. I just had flashback from my life before and in a split second i felt how much easier everything was. I loved life, took care of myself because i wanted to be in my best state. All because i wanted to be the best version of myself for someone out there. Now i hate myself and cant bring myself to do anything cause there isnt someone out there for me anymore. I just want to be happy living my life again, enjoy the small things. The magic feeling that came with being in love and having crushes was indescribable and now its gone. All there is for me is school, friends and family and i know thats important but we all know a person needs love. A person desires it and gets lonely when they dont have it. And imagine being lonely and being incapable of being in love only cause of their stupid overthinking brain. I just wanna be normal, fall in love and make the dreams of my younger self come true. In the flashback i sensed how low ive got. Its insane, it feels like i dont wanna die but right now im just floating trough life because theres nothing else to do. I could only imagine what would happen if i became myself again. Like everything would change, my mood, my joy, my motivation would go up and i would be excited to do things again. I know theres more to life than finding love but knowing that im not capable to ever find it is tough. Especially when its something ive dreamed of since i was a child. And doing all the other things like school, hanging with friends and hanging with family is so hard when theres constant anxiety around. And its not that i havent been attracted to someone, there have been boys i kinda liked but its never more than that. I havent fallen in love once or felt more than just attraction towards them. And thats sad because i see boys i know i wouldve fallen in love with but my brain makes it impossible so there are so many chances i missed to finally having a boyfriend due to this. Now i have to stay away from boys so i wont hurt myself when I realize i cant be with them because im screwed up in the head. I could never give them my love because there isnt much love in me anymore. The true me has happiness but i dont anymore im just empty. And i dont want to be in a relationship when im empty. I want to be able to be good to them and love them and be happy and confident. Because this also took my confidence, i once was so confident and excited to meet new ppl and now im really insecure and negative and i dont dream anymore and i dont want to be a sad draining person forcing myself to be in love with someone. I want to be truly me in a relationship or i dont want it at all. I also attract the wrong people now cause my vibe and energy is just off. Im not the bubbly girly me anymore now im the depressed sad shy akward girl because everything gives me anxiety. Im losing all my teenage years cause of this. I always dreamed of being 18 and now i am and it couldnt be worse. I had so much potential i thought i was strong, undefeated, untouchable but all it took to destroy me was that one thought: what if im gay