Welcome to
the NOCD Community

I'm struggling really bad with ocd that people don't like me or want to get rid of me. Im not working right now because I just got out of mental hospital and then from there I had to go to a hospital for an allergic reaction I had to one of the psych medications I was given (Trileptal). Then not only that but I can't work right now because I told my parents on my POCD. And other forms of OCD and they're sending me off to California where they will accept my insurance and they will give me the treatment I need for my OCD. I liked this place in Houston, but it was $7000 a week and $28000 for 4 week treatment due to them not accepting insurance. Which I'm not rich so I'm grateful California is going to be able to help me. I'm just nervous on coming back because I'm going to have to find a new job and a job where I like what I do for a living, because I didn't like my job before and it made me more depressed. I hate myself sometimes because I feel I'm always having to include myself and always try to fit in with others. And not only that but my family says I can't be around them until I get the help I need which I am and I have to work hard everyday on not relapsing with anxiety and depression and self isolating like I did before. I'm also finally making freinds and about to hang out with some girls I went to rehab with but I don't know if I can trust them due to me being burnt by so many other freindships or left behind. I also struggle alot with co dependency and abandonment issues due to my mom leaving me while being an addict. But she's been recovered for about 5 years and I feel like I try to depend on her sometimes due to that little teenage girl that stayed frozen in time but she's recovered and moving on in her life and I need to do the same as an adult. Also I did nursing for 2 years and even took a couple of college credit classes but didn't complete the ones having to do with nursing. Anyways I also realised I dont want to persue nursing anymore especially since there are so many other job options in the Dallas metropolitan area. But I like talking to others and helping them since I'm an empath and it gets me outside of myself. So I think I want to go back to school to finish my basics and maybe be a counselor and help others that struggle like me.

I think I’m having ocd about recovery because I’m relapsing n my mind goes to well you should just give up bc I had to stop school couldn’t concentrate but know it was best decision I’m struggling with self compassion

POCD am I really becoming a monster? I’ve been dealing with POCD for months now I saw a video about accepting my unwanted thoughts then boom I felt like I enjoyed them even though I dont want to I guess to much expose may lead to be taking this obsession the wrong way? So um I have a bad porn addiction I’m into milfs usually when those unwanted thoughts pop up I try to find another porn video one time I was watching a porn and when I reached climax a shit load of unwanted thoughts popped up and it felt like I wanted them I felt nothing at the end no guilt, back then I’d feel guilty so I tried again to make sure that it was those thoughts and I’m not tweaking so it happens again at the end I was depressed knowing I don’t feel bad anymore so I tried self harm to feel better because I just don’t want to be a P now I feel like I am one and I made myself into and I don’t want to am I one?

I’m feeling kind of hopeless. I don’t really think there’s an ERP that can help with my situation. I want to get better but I’m unsure how to get better. Because of this it makes it really hard for me to go to sleep and get off my bed to do anything anymore. I feel like the only thing I can do is take my medication and just do meditation and that’s about it. Nothing really else I can do.

I’m still getting memories of erections from the past before I knew I had HOCD. I’m still concerned that these erections mean I’m gay or bisexual when I don’t want to be. I’ve only had crushes and fantasies on women. Yet these past erections are scaring me

Argh! two full days of non stop overthinking a decision. back and forth, pros and cons, do it, don't do it. you'll regret it if you do. you'll regret it if you don't. I cannot make up my mind. I have to be 100% certain that if I do it I won't regret it because there is no undoing it. once its done its done for good.

Struggling with POCD help I’ve been struggling with unwanted thoughts and images for a long time 2 days ago I the thoughts got worse and worse till the point I wanted to self harm. I’m assisted to porn and I tried watching it the thoughts got in the way and I organismed to the thoughts I felt bad really bad I wanted to self harm. Later that day I saw a video the accept theses thoughts and let them go it was about ocd I tried that and now I feel like I’m enjoying them and I’m scared of become or being a P I want theses thoughts out of my head I don’t wanna hurt anyone nor do I wanna be attracted to children idk what to any advice?

Can ocd make you not feel right even when your feeling normal? Like I felt semi normal today and I started to think what If this means I want to do these bad things that I’m thinking about and get I get all anxious, I also have headaches all the time now and I just wanna sleep now. I can’t stand these thoughts and now I feel like I’m a schizophrenic and on top of that I have had harm ocd too. Sometimes I question if I even have ocd and what if these is like another mental illness, my harm theme makes me feel so fucked up and I find myself always saying “no no no I don’t wanna do those things” or “ why would I even think that I love my mom so much”. I don’t even feel like myself anymore and I’m just so tired now.

I’m a be honest I have an issue with people who are coming on here as therapists but are acting like people with real problems with their OCD. Like I get it it’s comforting to know someone else is dealing with the same issue as you and your not some weirdo all alone with this issue. These in my opinions are also compulsions cuz we’re looking for some sort of reassurance that we aren’t alone. Being alone is ok. Having OCD is ok. Someone who suffers from OCD who isn’t a therapist can be strong mentally and still suffer like me. Just cuz I have a strong sense of OCD does not mean I’m strong willed enough to get out of my head without actually a therapist going through the steps with me to get out of my head. I have shaken at public places but my thought isn’t to give up after the fact that I was shaking like I was having a seizure my thought after that is to get mad and do it again. That’s my reaction. My reaction is to do it again and again until I stop shaking. If I don’t agree with something that isn’t acceptable to me I do it again. For instance my therapist in January of 2019 did some sort of therapy to see the core of my beliefs I haven’t been told what it’s actually been called but anyways I got out of my head about a certain topic and it made me confused but I myself was the one that said something in my head that got me back in my head and have anxiety. Up until May of 2020 I had always relied on agreeing with my thoughts to lower my anxiety and thoughts but ever since May of 2020 I had no longer agree with thoughts and let the thoughts come I do sometimes get myself caught in controlled thinking but for the most part I let my thoughts come and go on their own. Last week I meditated and after the meditation my mind and anxiety had lowered to the point that I was accepting that I was gay and instead of doing what I did last time and all the other times of me saying something in my head I stood my ground and let my mind for however long it can last being out of my head and not having anxiety and it lasted for a minute to where my mind was like wait.. that means I’ll have to start liking guys and and sucking dick and was feeling gross not to the point that it was horrible but just gross to where my face was making gross expressions and I found myself having anxiety again and the words dude/dick coming out and again I did not do anything to get myself anxiety after the fact. The reason I got anxiety again cuz there is no reassurance or basis of me ever having been gay which is why I got back to having anxiety cuz my mind couldn’t on its own find something strong enough to keep me believing I was gay there just wasn’t strong enough evidence to keep me out of my mind believing I was gay. Which is why I have been adamant to my therapist’s to throw everything and anything and let’s see what happens since I have now for 5 months not been in a agreeing mode and I just let the thoughts come. I have been constantly underestimated by my therapists and it sucks cuz I know my heart I know my will power I know how hard I work to be me again and what I would do to get better to start living the life I want. I need a therapist who matches my mental strength and is willing to throw the kitchen sink at me cuz I can take it. The flow of tears that have happened twice in the past 2 yrs was of me finding out that having a child or children is something close to my heart and when I was at the OCD gamechangers event when the host Chrissy Hodges started to cry about how debilitating her HOCD was I felt the same flow of tears as me learning I wanted kids. I won’t be defeated and I need a therapist to understand that.

Please tell me what was your experience with SSRI's? Did it help you ? What was the side effects? How long does side effects last? Does it help with day to day stress?

How do you keep the very few good traits you develop from ocd ? So much of my obsession is about being a good person and not hurting other people. The negative part of that is all the shame and compulsions to be perfect. But I’ve also developed a lot of compassion. I feel like my ocd is getting a little better. I get backdoor spikes now. How do I not completely lose my compassion and open mindedness in the process. I know this could be false dichotomy but yeah. Just needed to talk about that.

It seems like ocd jumps around like hyper child . I have experience majority of all OCD types and when one gets calm , one comes back .I have a fear of going to hell and burning forever. God turns me away because my mind can't make itself up . One second I believe and the other I'm telling myself I don't believe to protect myself . Then I go through is religion real? And how do we know this is the right one ? And after that I freeze . I find myself staring out the window looking for a sign of the world ending and eating something to make me feel better. Sometimes all I want to do is throw myself to my knees and pray over and over again. I wish I wasn't born or had a different mindset because this is so painful. My parents used religion as a behavioral tool to keep us in line , Sunday was about church and taking about going to hell and burning in the lake fire 🔥if you disobay and if you was bad you would have to read from the book of revelations . I'm scared . I don't want to have theses thoughts , I just want to live and be happy

Has anyone here experienced emotional burnout but still become upset and cry about the burnout whilst experiencing false feeling and thoughts. Does medication help with this? I can’t do erp until this is addressed as it brings on more false feelings 😢

A note to HOCD sufferers: The presence or “feeling” that the thoughts are real is not evidence of them being real. Ever fall asleep and when you’re nearly drifting off you feel like you’re falling and suddenly jolt awake? For a moment, as far as your brain is concerned, you ARE falling. You experience all the sensations of falling (fear, anxiety, sometimes visual images of falling) and the fear response your brain generates also seems very palpable. Are you falling? No. Does it “feel real”? Yes. “Can HOCD make you feel arousal?” Yes. “Can HOCD make you have mental images of the opposite sex constantly?” Yes. “Can HOCD feel like you’re in denial?” Yes. “Can you sometimes feel like you’re sure that you’re straight, and then suddenly a few days later you’re not sure at all and every time you see someone of the opposite sex you feel a tingle? Or can it make you feel like you want to look at men/women or their genitals? Can it make you feel like you need to come out of the closet and confess to other people that you’re gay?” Yes. Yes. Yes. The questioning, the rumination, the mental checking, the reassurance seeking are all compulsions. THAT is what you’re trying to resist or reduce. Not the thoughts, not the urges, not the arousal, not the sensations...the compulsions. You can not control, alter, change, get rid of, or suppress your thoughts. The science is unequivocal that it’s not only impossible to do so, but has the exact opposite effect of what you desire. The thoughts not only persist, but do so with more intensity. I am writing this post because I’ve noticed that this, at least anecdotally, seems to be the theme that people seek the most reassurance for in the community. What is the solution? It’s ERP possibly in conjunction with medication. That’s the same for every type of OCD, no matter the theme. I often see someone ask for “tips” on how to “cope” with these thoughts. Again, the answer is always ERP. No amount of reassurance, checking, comparing, or researching online will work. You can read a thousand stories about people who came out, discovered they were queer later in life, or figured out they were in denial, and you will never, ever get the answer you’re looking for. If you’re not in treatment, get started. If you’re triggered, instead of seeking reassurance, use the SOS feature on the app or text your therapist. If NOCD is not available to you, use the link below to check the IOCDF directory and see if a specialist is available in your area. If you can’t access or afford a therapist, read the books below for credible information on self-guided treatment. Of course, we all empathize with your suffering and understand just how debilitating OCD is. But we want to move this community forward by creating a space that focuses on recovery rather than reassurance. “But once when I was 14 I saw an image online of someone making out and they were both the same sex and I got kind of aroused and I think I was into it and also I felt like maybe I had a crush on my best friend who is the same sex but it wasn’t like an actual crush but maybe I found them attractive I’m not totally sure and once I wore a pink shirt and my voice sounded feminine or masculine and now I’m thinking maybe that means I was suppressing something and and and” The answer is ERP. Books: https://www.amazon.com/Overcoming-Unwanted-Intrusive-Thoughts-Frightening/dp/1626254346 https://www.amazon.com/Freedom-Obsessive-Compulsive-Disorder-Personalized/dp/042527389X https://www.amazon.com/Get-Your-Mind-Into-Life/dp/1572244259 https://www.amazon.com/Needing-Know-Sure-Overcoming-Reassurance-ebook/dp/B07MMQ7HRK https://www.amazon.com/Mindfulness-Workbook-OCD-Overcoming-Compulsions/dp/1608828786 Finding Help: https://iocdf.org/ocd-finding-help/find-help/

I’m not sure what to do anymore, sometimes I feel like I want to live in a bubble and never leave.I keep getting death thoughts and intrusive thoughts. Like I wish I was adopted so then I wouldn’t care about my family members dying and if I had no one I would feel less stressed. I don’t even want to have kids (I’m only 17) because I’m scared they will die. I wanted a cat in the past but not anymore because I will have to deal with it dying and I don’t want to have to deal with that. Yesterday I was going through it, thinking a lot about things related to death and then I saw a YouTube titled - he died . I clicked on it even though everything told me not to and it just triggered me even more. I literally couldn’t turn away and watched the girl crying and explaining what happened and the anxiety just increased inside of me. I honestly feel like I’m slowly going insane waiting for everyone to die around me and me to die as well. Sometimes I’m excited to be 18 but then I just think your getting older which means your closer to death. When I got these exact thoughts when i was younger I could calm my self down because I was pretty young but now I’m getting older and older it’s harder. I honestly feel like crying. Also the thoughts are mainly what is going to kill my family and me etc and my family is kinda sick atm a lot of different conditions

Do you guys experience intrusive thoughts coupled with intrusive feelings, that intrude in the middle of a trigger? I feel like my ocd comes in out of nowhere and the thought/feeling comes in when I’m in the middle of a certain action so when I continue to carry out the action despite the intrusive thought, I am overcome with immense guilt and distress for not stopping. It almost feels like I acted on an urge or I like anticipated something to happen, and when it does, I am upset that I didn’t do a compulsion to stop said thing from happening. Does this resonate with anyone?

Course some douchebag on the OCD discord group chat triggers me. I kept telling this dude that I don’t want to be gay or bisexual because it doesn’t fit me and it isn’t right by me. But he continues to fucking ask “why don’t you want to be gay or bisexual” now I’m triggered and pissed.

Fuck man. I’ve been pretty down for almost a few months now and I’ve been so angry that I’ve cussed out a few therapist’s already. I wish I can have a resemblance of a good life. I wish I could wake up in the morning eat some breakfast drink some coffee get ready for work and go to the gym afterwards or hangout with people who care about me afterwards having fun. My therapist’s seem to think I have a psychotic disorder and I’m starting to believe it. I almost want to go out a second day in a row and get drunk again. I feel if I do I’m just going to become someone I never thought in a million years I would become but that’s sort of where I’m at in life right now. I think I’m just on the brink of becoming a drunk and don’t see a way out. Sometimes my life is just to hard to want to cope with anything. I’m not even sure getting drunk a second day in a row or a 3rd is a bad thing anymore. I don’t have no one to talk to to give me hope. I thought I wanted to become a NFL scout and have a wife and kids but I just feel so awful about who I am I’m just out right disgusted with myself. I wish I could have therapy 24/7 cuz I’m just not good at all trying to figure stuff out on my own anymore and need basically someone to show me how to live or show me a good way to live to emulate cuz I can’t just be like I’m going to be like my 21 yr old self again where I was working, had friends, and a fit life and started dating. The started dating stuff is kind of where all my trouble started and now I’m failing at life all because I wanted to have a good life too soon and didn’t know how to have it the way I thought my life could be. If I make it out of this shit idk what I’ll think.

I’m so scared I’ve been dealing with hocd since I was 12 I’m 18 now why haven’t I figured out my sexuality:( I don’t want to kiss a girl, I don’t want to be with a girl. The thought makes me so sad cause with all I am I don’t wanna be a lesbian. I want to want guys. I want to have feelings for guys and fall in love with them. I’ve done that for one guy. I want that so badly. God, please. Just make this stop. (I have nothing against gay people, there is nothing wrong with it. I Just don’t want it)

So. I might have ADHD and OCD. I might only have OCD. I might have OCD and something else. Kaiser will see me Early December to assess. Time to try and keep my job for approx. 60 days. If anyone has tips from a ADHD + OCD perspective I'd appreciate.