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the NOCD Community

Hi! I'm new to this app. I've been having strange things and experiences for seven years, and I am 14 years old. It was 4 months ago that I researched about it and found out was OCD. I am not sure of it yey because I haven't consulted a psychatrist yet due to quarantine. That's why I'm still bearing the same attacks all over and over. It worsens as days pass. It affects me in my studies. I would like to share what I experience. I really hope someone would help me. When I was in gradeschool, I used to: - do repetitive acts (such as blinking, touching other people) because if I don't, something bad might happen - utter repetitive phrases to make me feel better - non-stop intrusive thoughts These lessened when I stepped in 7th grade for I became busy. But it came back when I was grade 8 and made it worse during this quarantine. In the present time, I: - experience intense sexual thoughts, thoughts of harming someone, dark images that are never my intention - death and history lessons in school trigger me - I always pray and stick to my religious beliefs for I feel guilty of my unwanted thoughts - I repeat words to make me feel better - I scream frequently for a second, turn my body, or pray, as an act of stopping an intrusive thought, but I find it hard and I always end up breaking down emotionally Would someone help me? I can't afford a psychologist. Thank you so much for reading. We are stronger than what we think!

At this point I’m so tired of feeling this way, I love my boyfriend so much that it hurts to even think the stuff I think, I sometimes think I’m not attractive to him or I don’t love him but I know I do and we are about to move in together and I just want this all to stop, can smoking along make it worse??

I give up on ever getting help. Deleting the app and all other shit like this. It's just cruel to see others get help while I'm left broke and alone. So I'm done with living. If you're actually getting help, acknowledge how fortunate you are that you can afford it without starving yourself.

today has been such a hard day with this intrusive thought i can’t get out my head. i was able to kinda accept it and move on yesterday but it’s been hard today. i’m guessing bc i barely slept and had anxiety for the majority or the day. i hate it so much. it’s literally my birthday and all i can think of is the intrusive thought that is making me afraid to be around my family. like i fear that others around me will lose control and harm me or do something. same with friends. i really don’t wanna be around them in fear. sometimes i wonder if this is even ocd. or maybe i’m just crazy. i’ve never met anyone that gets these types of thoughts because intrusive ones are mainly about you and i’m getting them about like other people. like what if they do this or are this. instead of saying what if i do this or i am this. i hate this. is this ocd ?

I feel like I’m going out of my mind. I’m getting thoughts about everything and it’s freaking me out. I know it probably just imaginary but I have a fear that these thoughts are changing the way I view the world and think and eventually I won’t be able to resist anymore. There’s nothing I can do the stop the thoughts, it doesn’t feel like ocd at all because it’s just to complicated and real. I’m scared of how these thoughts are going to cause me to think but my mind keeps telling me that all I used to think before was only to follow the majority and it seems true and now my brain is going to places I really wish it wouldn’t and that it would stop. It feels more like resistance than intrusive thoughts, I feel like eventually I’m going to lose my sense and go insane and it actually feels like it’s already happened but I haven’t act on it yet. I feel like I’m going to be psychotic outcast by the time this is over. I never used to think like this and I’m very scared I’m going insane. I feel confused and I feel terribly about myself that I’m even worrying about these things or even going through this. I feel like I’ll be this way forever and I’m going to keep getting crazier. This wasn’t the person I wanted to be but I feel like I don’t have a choice aside from just holding it in until I can’t take it anymore and just allow myself to think these thoughts. I’m so tired of this, my brain always finds more to bring up to me to further confuse me and make me feel crazy and broken in the head. I feel like I’m lost in a fictional story but it feels like a real disaster is happening to me mentally and it making me feel crazy.

Everyone says to me when I say, I have ocd i hate my life, that many people live with it, but everyone that I meet with OCD is miserable and barely surviving, so aren't we all just doomed with a chronic condition ? I mean even "recovered" people say they still struggle with it so honestly, whats the point? Im being a realist. Opinions are welcomed. Maybe I am missing the bigger picture

So I am a married woman to my wonderful husband m. I deal w it h HOCD and ROCD & a bucket list of other things. I will randomly start to worry and wonder “oh god what if I’m gay?” “Am I gay?” And so on and so forth. I have been doing therapy and I don’t have many images any more. But I still get these stupid intrusive thoughts. I feel like such a shi$&y wife because I can sit here and tell you 100% I’m not gay at any point. But it’s like a fear or doubt that I could be in denial. I was raised with a strict upbringing and my sister is gay. The 1st time I had these thoughts was 3 years ago right after we got engaged and I could have ripped my heart out I felt so horrible. I feel that if you were in denial then you would know. Mine is I’ll be looking out a window and it’s like a bomb explodes in my brain. Anyone else deal with this? Also my OCD has started to pick on me about having a baby. My husband and I have been married 2 years and together for 5. “How do you know that you’re ready? What if you can’t have kids? What if you do have kids and it dies? What if it pulls you and him apart?” I mean OCD you’re a real SOB.

This is bad..... now I can’t remember if I was ever happy with my partner... 😞😞 I’ve been so depressed and obsessed for so long I can’t remember anything about being happy... 😞😞 I feel like I never was.... I know when I came home from work I was happy to him bc he made me feel comfortable and relax just by sitting in the room... now I’m not happy anymore... how can I be so sure this isn’t me... a friend with ROCD told me this: If you really wanted to break up, you wouldn’t be so scared and anxious. If a relationship ends people don’t react the way we act when having a OCD spike, Remember that. But this feels too real...

I need help knowing if I should go to the hospital. I’ve been having crippling anxiety every day that makes me depersonalized, and it feels like it’s mimicking a weed high and it makes me extremely anxious. I’m fearing I’m losing my grip on reality because last night I felt really good, but it reminded me of my trauma with drugs and I had an intrusive thoughts that my boyfriend drugged my water. Usually I can laugh it off but last night I had an hour long panic attack that made it worse and made me disassociate to the nth degree. I don’t have meds, I don’t have therapy and I need help. I feel like my life is over.

Having a hard time tonight, I have developed a compulsion that everytime my partner goes to the shed outside I have to make her wash her hands and if she doesn't I have to clean everything that she has touched. It started as she once touched the bins and then touched the shed door etc and I'm so paranoid now that she doesn't wash her hand after touching the bins and then going into the shed. Tonight she'd went to the shed, I was upstairs and I heard and I didn't hear the sink when she finished. I know she didn't wash her hands when she came insode as I purposely listened for it. She then lied to me. This brings me back to when my parents lied to me about things like this. I'm so convinced that there might be corona virus on the shed lock that I had to clean everything in the house. How do I deal with this?? She lies to me now about things like this. I explained she is better to just tell me if she didn't. Also I know the risk of getting corona virus from her touching the bin and then anything else, especially outside the house is miniscule but I can't get it out of my head.

i keep finding new pieces of proof that maybe i’m not straight and i hate it. i hate all of this.

I’ve never been so emotionally confused. I feel like I want to be single and break up with my boyfriend of almost a year but I also am terrified to lose him but I can’t take this feeling anymore :( I feel like it isn’t possible to be in a relationship without having this horrible dread and anxiety about it.

I feel like I’m going crazy and for the past few days I’ve had this feeling that my brain is sinking. I’ve just felt so confused in ways that are difficult to explain. I just feel like my worldview has changed and I get these crazy thoughts that go along with it that feel incredibly real. I feel weird about the people in my life, I feel like I’m lying or delaying the inevitable when I spend time with them. These feel like my new thoughts and feelings now. I feel like I’m okay with my new thoughts as well but I’m going to keep them secret for the rest of my life until they eventually get to me. Sometimes I don’t even feel like I’m crazy and that all of this makes so much sense and it’s what I’m meant to do. I worry a lot that I’m experiencing psychosis, but if I was, there’s no way I’d be suspicious of it right? I just don’t see how anyone could treat this. I feels like I’m dead set on believing all of this junk and I really don’t know who I am anymore. It comes out sometimes when I do things I used to enjoy or spend time with certain people, but aside from that my brain has warped and broken my thinking. Honestly right now it feels like I’m talking about something that doesn’t exist and that I made up in my head, but I feel so out of it.

I understand that acceptance is key to recovery. But any advice on how to accept terrible thoughts about onself or does acceptance just naturally come when you do fewer and fewer compulsions?

Last night my boyfriend was annoyed at me because sometimes I am un trusting towards him... I ended up getting upset because I think that my inability to trust him and constant rumination is another form of OCD that I struggle with. However, the conversation reminded me of how fucked up I am with my POCD and gronial response. I’ve never told anyone about anything before but for the first time I told him that ‘I’m sad because i think the reason I can be like this is because I have compulsive thinking, I’m scared of my brain... but it’s only the tip of the iceberg and I never talk about it’... It’s the first time I’ve ever even hinted at the issues I’ve been burying deep for the last 6 years. It was quite frankly horrible to even tell him that. He asked me if I wanted to talk about it and I said I can’t. Then I just felt terrified that he was going to Google compulsive thoughts and that he might keep wondering what is wrong with me, like the elephant in the room sort of thing. I just lay there and cried and cried because I felt so trapped. I couldn’t stop thinking about how I get gronial response for children and that he has no idea. He kept telling me he loves me and I can tell him anything and he wouldn’t judge me. And all I keep thinking is how he has no idea and he would be so shocked and disgusted. I couldn’t stop crying in bed for hours, I felt so trapped and scared. I love him so much. It’s so painful. I thought it would be good to start acknowledging my ocd and talking about it, but it’s just made it all so real and it just makes the underlying depression in me come out to the surface. For so long I’ve been managing to live this life where if I don’t think about my OCD at every moment possible, and I can feel quite normal most of the time I’m distracted. I know it’s all a facade but now I’m trying to work on my problems (without a therapist) - that whole facade has faded. So much more I will just sit with the people I love and think about how they think I’m normal but they have no idea who I am. Its horrible. I’m not saying we shouldn’t all fight this - we need to fucking fight this. I don’t want to put anyone off - but it’s just really killing my ego acknowledging this bullshit ocd.

I fucking swear!!!!!!!!!! I don’t know why my own fucking mother wants my dick to come out by looking at me the whole time I’m trying to watch a fucking football game and thinking about in a sexual way. Like I already fucking know my body responds to people looking at me in a sexual way when I’m not looking at them. Like fucking shit. My mind shakes and shakes it’s head like I try to calm down but I can’t my mind. I really need help with this whole arousal shit for like fucking fucking more than 2 and a half years I’ve been dealing with this arousal shit and I’m just so fucking tired and fed up cuz I don’t know what I should do. My mind is t thinking about nothing I’m trying to focus to what’s in front of me but yet for some reason I have a arousal feeling that affects my daily living, it affect me having a job, and on top of that I have weird thoughts that pop up when I see a fucking chick. Like I’m so fucking tired of this shit. My fucking therapist don’t respond to shit. They don’t tell me what I should be doing or not fucking doing and I’m like fucking over this shit. I’m getting fucking tired of feeling shit and not knowing what to do to not feel shit. Like I do everything I would do on a daily I don’t avoid it but my body and mind are not working together anymore or at least not the way it should be working and I’m just so fucking tired and just idk anymore man. There’s got to be a therapist in this world who can help me with this shit cuz I’m fucking tired of this shit. I do all ERP’s possible and I’m just lost like what am I supposed to do anymore. Fuck man!!!! I want to walkout out my house and just go for a fucking walk and shit and I just don’t know what to do anymore if this is anxiety then why is it always the same bullshit every fucking day. I fucking swear man. I’m just tired and done with this shit. I mean fuck man. Like I shouldn’t be more comfortable in public places to where nobody knows me then places to where they know damn well if they looked at me in a sexual way is going to trigger me and I’m just so fucking tired like leave me the fuck alone already. I literally want to fucking cuss my mom out again and tell her to stop and start beating peoples asses when they start doing this shit to me cuz I know when it’s happening to me in purpose and I’m tired of playing dumb as if it doesn’t affect me cuz it does so or later I’m a just fuck a motherfucker up real fucking talk.

i’m so sad. i’m only 14 and i feel like i’ve already ruined my teen years. i’ll always have this loom in the back of my mind, and i’ll never be able to look back at myself and reflect on who i was because it’s all fake, i have no idea who i am or what i want. i won’t be able too look back and remember my boy crazy phase, or be happy remembering having my first boyfriend or just remember being happy and carefree because i haven’t even had a chance to do any of that. i don’t want to waste my one chance at life like this. i’ve already fucked up and i’ve barely had a chance to be a teenager. i want to start over as someone else. i feel like such a waste

Ive been taking Zoloft for 2 weeks now and Ive noticed that Im just exhausted. Like I dont have the energy to engage with my intrusive thoughts. Anybody have this experience on an SSRI?

I saw a thing on Facebook that said Narcissists, psychopatha, and sociopath don't have a sense of empathy. They don't have a sense of empathy and won't develop it, so they can never love anyone..with me feeling empty and not feeling sad or upset a lot and just feeling numb I'm honestly scared I can't feel love and I'm actually crazy....would I know if I was heartless?

Why is this all happening to me,why cant i just be normal like the other teens,why do i always feel confused about everything,why do i always feel worthless and sick,with mental illness,why did God choose me,us,to do this,to go through all this shit,He knows that im not able to make it,he knows that i just want to grow up,to marry a guy and be happy,my intentions are pure,i never wanted to hurt someone like my mind says,i just dont want to,i cant stop it,i cant stop the disorted thinking and everything else that goes through my mind.I feel so worthless so desperate and cursed.I know i keep asking for ur positive talks but i juet cant ask it from anyone else.Its 9 pm here,i need to study but i cant,i feel so stressed,i just want to kill myself.