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Hi. My whole life I have though I was dealing with anxiety, but after recently being hospitalized for a serious self harm episode, I am considering the possibility that I may actually have ocd. It was first brought up to me while I was talking to my therapist about an episode I had in which I heard a chorus of voices telling me the god was watching me. With those voices came an intense feeling of impending doom, and at the time I was scared to move. I was physically able to move, but I held the belief that if I stayed completely still that nothing bad could happen. I can think of countless instances of things like this happening. A prime example is that from seventh grade to my junior year of high school I can remember getting the feeling of everyone’s eyes on me and I would feel a rush of anxiety. When these happened, I would always in turn become hyper aware of my breathing. For the rest of class, I would then try to stifle my breathing and stay as still as possible. Another example is that I would have the thought in my head “what if my face turns super red in the middle of class?” and as a result my face would get more red, then I would worry about my face being red so of course it would get redder and redder. One more example is the classic stories my parents would tell me about from my early childhood. They say I was a very smart kid but I was very anxious and took everything literally. For example, when as a very young child I would cry on the bus because it didn’t have seatbelts. And another time my dad misplaced something in the house and he made a joke that he would “burn the house down” looking for it - I really thought he was going to burn the house down and I started panicking. Could these have been early signs of ocd? All of these examples seem very aligned with ocd in that I have an impulsive thought paired with a behavior that I think will combat the anxiety coming from that thought. If it is ocd, it would seem that my most common compulsion is to be still. I think it could still be anxiety though, just because I can recall periods of up to about a year that I have not had a compulsion. I have also noticed that when I went to college, I no longer got intrusive thoughts in class, but they instead came back to me in other forms. I started to have thoughts of myself and family dying in extremely violent ways and they would often happen while I was driving. These thoughts are what eventually drove me to do what I did, swallow a bottle of pills, which put me in the hospital. Is it normal in ocd for obsessions and compulsions to change? Is it possible that I have ocd on top of my anxiety? Sorry this post was so long, I just started typing and the words came out! If u read this far then thanks!

Hey guys,i wanted to share something.I am fourteen years old,and my entire life i have been liking guys.Four months ago,i started having this obsession that i might harm myself,so i was never alone,because i was afraid i might do smth that would put myself in danger.When this obsession was over,i was afraid i might do smth to my parents,and after that i had the fear that i might hurt little children,like i might rape them,thats why everytime my little niece and nephew came here i distanced myself.As u can see,my every obsession was kinda connected to each-other.The thought that i may abuse a child(including both genders)brought me the thought that i might be gay.Im still suffering from this thought and less from the others.Yesterday i saw a video which said that im in denial.I think so,because yes god damn it i kinda enjoy the thought of being gay and i hate it.Do u think this is normal?One part of my mind has enjoyed my whole obsessions but with being gay,its different its scarier to me.

Possible trigger for someone with religious ocd When I was in eighth grade I had this INTENSE fear that God was gonna come back and the whole rapture was gonna happen before I could live out my life. It lasted a few months. And I'm wondering if that was a little OCD episode? I was obsessed with it and would constantly talk about my fear in hopes of getting reassurance and I'd contsantly ask my Mormon grandmother "hey, will I be able to live my life when god comes back?" and would feel relieved for only a little bit. Now it doesn't effect me cuz it wore off and I'm no longer Christian, but it was still terrifying at the time. I'm literally baffled. I have never noticed my OCD symptoms my whole life until now, really. Honestly I'm a little relieved knowing I've had symptoms other than my childhood ones. It gives me hope that this REALLY IS just pocd and not the real thing. There is so much proof leaning toward it just being OCD, and now this? It's made me a little happy, at least for tonight. Anyone else suddenly remember things like this and were like "how did I not know this before"?

Curious as to what people's thoughts are about high end exposures, doing things that would make anyone uncomfortable/anxious if they participated in them on a daily basis. Some examples might be jumping in a dumpster, licking a dumpster, licking a toilet seat, eating from a toilet seat, putting hand in toilet, etc. It doesn't just have to be contamination. It's confusing to me because if we're supposed to be overcorrecting and habituating to these things, how are supposed to get back to going out own direction, choosing what we decide to do? I get really lost with this tool. Have you found it to be helpful for you?

I wish I could verbalize this feeling. It’s like every woman looks attractive to me now, so much so that I feel it’s inevitable that I would want to have sex with one. It’s so strange and uncomfortable. It’s like they look irresistible now even though it makes me so so upset

Three weeks ago I could barely swallow food. Every time I ate, I would get sick. Not because I was sick, but because I was plagued with thoughts so vile and disruptive that I was made physically ill every time they occurred. I fantasized about hurting myself. That, somehow, cutting into my skin would make the thoughts stop. The only thing that would make them stop, stop the heart pounding dread that I felt every waking moment was sleep. Sleep was only achieved by taking powerful tranquilizers that were then later needed to function. I would get 15, maybe 20 minutes of peace. A still mind. Something that alluded me constantly. And the thoughts. Thoughts that my very existence was a lie. Everything I loved was a lie. I felt dissociative, like I was in a body that wasn’t mine. No matter how hard I fought, the thoughts remained. I was spend my entire day googling, looking for answers. The what if’s constantly lurking in my brain over and over. I no longer recognized myself in the mirror. I felt hollow, like a ghost. This is OCD. No, I’m not obsessively washing my hands or correcting picture frames that are slightly askew. I’m fighting an invisible enemy. One that there is no escape from; my own mind. After finally getting the correct cocktail of SSRIs and benzodiazepines, I was able to fully commit to exposure response prevention. Put in plain terms, facing my worst fears, and not reacting. So began the grueling process of writing down scripts of worst case scenarios, “maybe my husband doesn’t love me anymore and we will need to get a divorce. Maybe my kids will be taken from me because I’m irreparably broken.” Rehearsing these scripts out loud over and over again. Always ending with the words “and I will learn to accept that.” Through this process I was finally able to beat my thoughts at their own game, once I had said them and sat with the discomfort time and time again, the anxiety lessened. But, wait, OCD isn’t done it’s not willing to go down without a fight. “Why aren’t you anxious anymore? It must mean you WANT these things to happen. You’re a fraud. You don’t even have OCD.” With these thoughts comes more ERP. Allow them to be there. Thoughts are just thoughts after all. If there is one thing that I have learned it is that we are not our thoughts. Thoughts come and go. We are our values, our actions. Those are what matter most. OCD will try to take them from you. Don’t give in. This fight for me is daily. And I have accepted that I will have this in one form or another my whole life. The thoughts have lessened, have quieted, but are still there if I give them power. Some days are better than others. I still need my back up benzodiazepines when life gets to be too much and I’m not strong enough on my own. I am now able to make it through the day with two instead of three. The hope is that one day I will only need them for emergencies. But, one day at a f*cking time.

Am I gross? (zOCD) 20s, F So for a lot of years, like 8,since I was 16, I've had this dog and she likes belly rubs a lot. She is very sweet and tender girl. And sometimes when I laid down in the couch with my hand outside of the furniture, she would place her belly in my hand for scratches. I would play with her boobies a lot: twist them and pull them. I don't think I've ever done it with Sexual intentions. I know she liked the affection so I kept doing it. I'm fact, it was only fairly recently that I've learned that dogs have sexual pleasure? Im not sure of this last part because when I was younger I've read that only humans and dolphins felt pleasure. I never thought much about it. However I'm scared, my memories aren't too trustworthy! What if I already knew/thought that dogs could feel sexual pleasure?? I also remember having dirty thoughts every once in a while but I don't remember what kind and I'm assuming the worse. My dad used to make a lot of sexual jokes about my dog and they kinda stuck on me. I don't think I had evil intentions but I'm not sure.... A year ago, when my ocd exploded, I began to think that what I was doing could be wrong and I stopped immediately. I even stopped petting my dog because of the shame. Thank you for listening to me. Do I deserve to die?

I wish I could take my own advice. Posting online asking lesbians what I am, even if they tell me it sounds like I am attracted to my husband or they give rational advice, never helps. Ever. I torture myself and pour over every word. If they say maybe I’m bi, I write back protesting and saying why I’m not. This is exhausting and it makes me hate myself

Not OCD related but anyone else associate sleep with being "bad"? Like when it comes to going to sleep I'm super anxious and I can't shut my brain off so now I just push off sleep as much as possible. Any tips on making bedtime not so miserable?

Hey everyone, I’m new, snd I thought I would try this out! I’ve struggled with mental health for about 10 years, and still don’t have a diagnosis, but have been to any specialist imaginable. Maybe someone here can relate to any of the symptoms I possess. My mind constantly races, I find it impossible to complete any task at hand and am easily distracted. Sometimes the racing thoughts get so bad, I have to stop what I’m doing and simply fall victim into my mind. I’m in a trance all day feeling like my mind is recreating a dream/movie. Any commercial or song that I hear, will pop up in my head at any time of the day, and overpower what someone is saying (if we’re having a convo). I get so overwhelmed by the thought of something not turning out well, that I don’t attempt to do it at all. It’s hard to maintain relationships, am socially awkward as a result, and it’s become unbearable with the Pandemic. Definitely have more symptoms, but I don’t want to dump on anyone as I’m waiting to get professional help! If there’s anyone that can offer advice on how they cope, or can help, please let me know as I am suffering

Hey guys... On heaven and hell... Erp is about facing fears. So... What if I don't want to go to hell? For other obsessions it would be like, well, say it did happen? Would it really be that bad? But the thing is going to hell is actually that bad... So uh... How can I not be so worried? Like its irrational to believe that a loving God would send someone who is genuinely trying to follow him to eternal damnation... But stinking OCD is still a punk. Any tips? On how to just chillax? Sorry if this is either triggering or unclear. ??

I feel really shit sometimes because I'm 22 and I dont have an actual job, I'm working on a small business and I study from home so I can go to university next year but I feel like a shit person for not working :(

ZOCD mild confession I don't know what is worse. Pocd or zOCD to be honest. Yesterday, I think. I found a picture of a cat that had her lower abdomen shaved and she had a lot of fat accumulated in that region so it looked like boobs. This is quite normal,sort of. So... A year and half ago, my cat had to shave the same area and she also appeared to have boobs when she laid down. And I remember touching them because the skin was so soft and now I'm afraid I squeezed them with sexual intentions and I'm freaking out... I used to boop her boobies sometime and now I fear to have done it with bad intentions. What if I got sexual gratification from this?

I see forever with my boyfriend but what if I’m just a late bloomer lesbian and have to leave my husband when I’m 40 because I realized I’m gay???

Does anyone else who struggles with POCD find that they get intrusive thoughts about their partner? Like I keep having thoughts that I’m only attracted to him because he is smaller, has small legs and tiny lips so that he’s the closest thing I can have to a younger person/minor. Like we’ve been together for years and years and he’s also dated other people and I don’t think this has ever come up with anyone but me so why am I constantly thinking about it? I haven’t been able to be intimate with him for weeks now :( it’s really putting a strain on our relationship.

Need guidance and help please, I am spiralling. Contamination ocd and covid fear warning: I finally had a visit with my ENT specialist for the first time today after months of gland pain. It was at the hospital which i normally feel okayish with but this was like...on a side with doctors offices, not the main hospital and I feel like they arent as stringent. There were door handles literally everywhere (no automatic doors at all which is customary in the main part of the hospital) and they wouldn't let me wear gloves. Some doors didnt even have hand sanitizer near them so it was impossible to sanitize before or after touching it. I checked in at reception and they let me wait outside because the waiting room was actually over capacity. In the specialist office, I did of course have to remove my mask at times and he had to use tools to look in my nose and mouth which of course is triggering. But the worst one of all was that he stuck a camera through my nose and down into my throat. I clarified with him that it was of course sanitized and he said yes and that he couldnt sanitize it again in front of me (I'm guessing it's a machine). But I saw it touch his pant leg and he had to feed it into my nose with his hands which he had to use to open door handles to go get the contraption in another room!!! I was honestly so petrified that I cant remember much. I cant remember if he changed his gloves between the door handles and feeding the tube into my nose. All I can think is that if there was covid on that thing, it literally delivered the virus RIGHT to where it would make a nice comfy home in the back of my nose (that's where covid lives and replicates). Please, I know I am not supposed to seek reassurance here. I know I now need to trust the medical professionals that it was clean and the procedure was done in a sanitary way. But I cannot stop picture that camera at the back of my nose, covered in covid spikes that latched onto my nasal passage and are replicating. Please please help me. I really try to manage my ocd by saying to myself "cdc guidelines and nothing more" but (and I know this sounds stupid) the cdc says nothing about medical tools or medical mistakes. I'm trying you guys I am, but I'm spiralling.

I hate that my options to receive help are extremely limited. I have no health insurance, there are barely any therapists in the area I live in, much less an expert trained in anxiety and OCD. The last few I tried were not to my liking. Even if i could go, my parents get really judgemental about therapy, seeing it as a waste of time. I really wish I could go just to get some basic help and meds. I used to go to therapy when I was in college and that was such a privilege I dont think I'll ever get again. (10 bucks a month for Prozac) I hate that covid brought back my OCD. 2019 really was my last best year. :(

Please help! I apologize for posting a very similar post so often, but I need your help and different perspectives. I have had OCD for over 25 years now and for the past decade, I have been having the urge to engage in a long and destructive ritual to restart my life. I have lost so much in giving in. I never fear that something bad will happen, but the high that I get from restarting is like a super powerful drug. I last did this ritual on July 12 and each day, I want to throw in the towel and restart again. It is hell to fight the urge. I only found a couple of related resources that are below. How do I not give in and live more peacefully not giving in??? https://theocdstories.com/stories/february-fifteenth-my-obsession-with-obsession/ http://www.psychologyandbehavior.com/ocd-starting-over-compulsions-undoing/

Hi. I’ve been having intense ruminations about a topic in my relationship with my fiancé. We both have strong values tied to changing my last name once we’re married. He values that I change mine to his for the commitment and union it shows. I value that I keep mine for the tie to my lost heritage, my deceased father, and the equality it shows. I originally wanted us both to keep our original last names and hyphenate our future kids last names, or hyphenate all of our last’s names. But now we’re at the point where he’s keeping his last name the same, the future kids will have his only, and I’m taking both last names, but using only his socially. So, I still have my last name to some extent, but essentially very few or no people would know. This is still bothersome to him, and I feel like I’ve already sacrificed so much. I don’t know what to do about this. He mentioned that he doesn’t feel right getting married with me not taking his last name (and dropping mine). We’ve been together for 9 years. Very rarely fight, and when we do we never yell or call eachother names. The rest of our relationship is very satisfying (chores, money, affection, sex, respect). I’ve been crying every day for the past week. We’ve had so many talks over the last three years about this. Our recent talk really felt as though I wasn’t worth being married, and when I asked him what he wanted to do (I said I was scared he wanted to break up, and asked him what he wanted), he said he didn’t know what he wanted. Through tears later on he eventually said that “[he’ll] be fine”. This time it’s the hardest because I feel like he will either want to leave me, or resent me for my choice when we’re married. I don’t know what else I can do to work through this, and I have been thinking about this all day every day for a week. Is this OCD? Or is this something to actually be worried about? Couples therapy isn’t an option. He won’t go because of the chance of us finding a crappy therapist and making things worse, and he says he’s not willing to go everywhere to hunt around for one that fits.

Feeling so lost and overwhelmed. My ocd has been focused on my boyfriend for the past year. We had a rough patch and he made some new friends at work. I then became obsessed he fancied one of them and went through all his messages and obsessively questioned him. He has stood by the fact he didn’t like her like that and other people who speak to him about it think he didn’t. He’s spoken to my therapist and tried to help, but I just can’t get it in my head he’s not lying. The things I believe to be ‘evidence may aren’t really telling. I found out they were still chatting on insta once she left his company but the convo was fairly platonic - they were just talking about work and the new people. She did make a comment it would be more fun if I was still there, but she is french so there is a slight language barrier (I thought this sounded flirty). She also messaged him about a festival she was at with her boyfriend. He said they are very in love and moved in together and from her social media they seem that way. I also once came home and picked up his phone and it opened onto a video of her he’d been watching which he’d filmed of her falling asleep in the office. He said he’d just been flicking through his videos but I became obsessed he was really missing her. All my family and friends think he’s telling the truth. He’s taken me to doctors appointments and keeps telling me the power is in my hands. I told him the other day I’ve spent the past year imagining the things I believe to be true and negatively reinforcing it and said it’s hard to unlearn. He was upset by this and said why have you done that when I’m not lying. He said that if what he’s told me isn’t enough that’s okay. Maybe I can’t get over the fact he had this friend and I can’t trust what he said. Prior to this we’d been together happily for 5 years. He’s now said we’ve spent a year unhappy, me not trusting him and breaking down. He said he wants to really move on with life, start saving for a house etc and has asked me to draw a line under this. He’s broken up with me 3 times in the past to give me a wake up call that he cannot take the questioning and yet I still feel I don’t believe him. I was cheated on in the past and I think that’s really traumatised me. I don’t want my ocd to force me to leave him. It’s seems so unfair, had I not had ocd I wouldn’t have viewed it like this. But maybe I can’t get over it - even though nothing has happened. I feel so bad for putting him through this and so bad I’m not helping myself either. Just want some kind words. Has anyone else ever had their ocd stop them from being able to see things clearly or how other people do?