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The following text will be a bit stronh.... I'll talk about certain things that are sexual. Please proceed with caution. (tw sex and mastutb-) (23, F) I'm so sorry for talking about this here but I am losing my mind... I saw a law and order episode and I was disgusted.... It was about r-pe. I hate that show. It makes overly exaggerated stories in my opinion My pocd started because I started masturb- (which happened by accident but the details are meaningless). And my former therapist agreed with me. I don't think Ive ever had disgusting (non consensual) fantasies but I've had a few that ashame me greatly. The man on the show filmed himself while masturb- and I felt like a monster... I never did that but this word "masturb" is a huge trigger for me. I was never addicted to it because it never consumed my life. I only had urges to do it if I was at home, bored (at least I hope I have false memories about this.) but I sometimes over did it (4 times in a day) because masturb for me was always unsatisfying... Im still a virgin, but I also believe that it will be unsatisfying too, since I have poor libido. (which is something good for me) Since I started masturb- my brain made me feel like a pervert and I started thinking about sex more and that's why I have false memories about touching a child inappropriately... I hate myself so much... I should kill myself. Masturb- was my biggest mistake. Most of the times I tried to quit only to get strong urges from my body asking for it weeks later. One year ago, I successfully stopped. It was hard but I did it... However lately I have been having stronger urges to do it again and it has been poisoning my dreams. I'm so close to cut down there to stop it. I used to do it a few months ago. I'll restart it if I need to

Has anyone on here gotten engaged / been married while struggling with OCD? If so, I would love some tips on how to enjoy life’s big moments through OCD. ??

How do I know if what I’m going through is HOCD or internalized homophobia?

Hello there, I was diagnosed with half OCD and OCPD by my psychiatrist last month but I've been experiencing intrusive thoughts for 4-5 months since quarantine started. Back then before I was diagnosed, every single week the theme of my intrusive thoughts kept changing to the point I am stuck with Harmful violent thoughts. Since I was diagnosed, I took two medications for 10 days but it helped me for a short while till I decided not to continue my second therapy session because my mother's chemotherapy matters more than my OCD (which my mother's condition matters more) Now I kept having loops of unwanted thoughts about my morality of doing good or bad, and having lots of anxiety tension/pain from my back, making me feel uncomfortable almost everyday but I tend to let it pass through. Any advice?

Hey guys,just wanted to ask a question.Are you all diagnoised with ocd or do you think that you may suffer from it?I have been having a lot of intrusive thoughts,they belong to different types of ocds and cant figure out if its ocd or the thoughts represent me as a person.Im honestly tired of it,its like i have two personalities completely different from each-other.The real problem is that even though i can feel fear in the beginning,after some time,its like i start enjoying them(a part of me enjoys them).Anyone else?

Would like some advice whether or not I should get covid tested... thanks! In the last two weeks, I’ve been three places outside my home, and in all of which I obeyed social distancing guidelines as best as possible: my grandparents’ house (outside), my father’s house (outside), and the grocery store. However, my roommate just went on a camping trip with nine of his friends last week. In the last two or three days, I have a little bit of trouble breathing (which I attribute to throat dryness and lack of hydration in general), a tiny bit of a sore throat (same reasons; I get a sore throat every morning for some reason), and I’ve had jaw/earaches. I’ve also been sneezing a bit, but that’s neither here nor there. I want to get tested because I feel like I’m morally obligated to (with my roommate still visiting friends and going to work and whatnot), but I am concerned about whether or not I am taking away a test from someone who needs one. Plus, I’ve been tested twice since the pandemic started already, most recently 2.5 weeks ago. What’s most concerning to me is that, while I’ve had dry throats and some trouble breathing since March, the jaw/earaches just started, and I’ve been quarantining in my room since then, wearing a mask any time I’m outside my room. If I wanted to, I could make an appointment to get a test in an hour in my town, and so I feel like they have enough, but I’m just not totally sure. I did an online screening with a RN, and they said that while I seem extremely low risk for having the virus, testing would be an appropriate measure. Suffice to say, I’m a bit conflicted and am open to any advice that can be given. Thanks again!

I now have this obsession with getting closure from traumatic situations in my life and I always think I need to message or find people who have hurt me from years ago. I did it for a sexual assault that happened to me in London and it didn’t do anything because I was blocked with no answer. And some people probably won’t respond nicely and it would make my “closure” much worse. I get filled with rage and it consumes me. I always think exposing myself back to the situation and tackling it head on is gonna make me feel better. But once I tackle one thing I’ll just obsess about another. Unfortunately I’ve been wronged or taken advantage of more than I would like. Is this OCD just wanting reassurance or just my pride wanting the last word to reestablish some power back into my life? Why do I feel weak and afraid if I just forgive people and move on with my life?

Have one of you guys already been owned by an ODC like "I touch something then I'm afraid of curse someone I love or like the moment I touch it". Then the more I'm scared the more it is hard not to think about it and the more the "monster" grows up inside my brain. So I finally expose myself by doing it then I culpabilise, and the circle is made! I also have this while I'm reading something. If I come over a word that triggers a bad thought I'm 100% doomed. It's bothering so I do my rituals (""whising"" death to people I care of and so) then I culpabilise). I still wanna stick on the exposure because from experience that's the best way to get rid of this but sometimes the exposure gets worsened. What a pleasure to live with this shit I swear ? but lest stay strong ?, there's a message behind each OCD.

nervous and anxious for tomorrow. still trying to sit with the uncertainty. my brain is telling me terrible things and i’m scared so scared of losing my person. also everyone is tired of me. my sister yelled at me and basically i’m told me i’m too much for to handle and i understand she’s younger than me yet the only one i can talk to freely. she blames this all on me and so do they and i don’t even know what to believe anymore. even when i try its like things go wrong. i just want to feel close to myself again ): i want to feel like i have control over my mind. i don’t want to feel like i’m at risk at losing everything just because these stupid thoughts jump into my head and torture the hell out of me. i was trying to be stronger but at this point i think i’m losing my strength and there’s no purpose. and tomorrow’s another day. i wish i could just sleep for the rest of my life.

Hello anybody willing to listen/relate to me and my given situation, I appreciate your time and kindness! So, I've been seeing this guy for a few dates at this point. I think he is super nice and attractive to me (normally, I wouldn't let myself dream of dating anyone I found attractive-this is a big change for me). There are tons of things I like about him, anytime something comes up that I don't like he's willing to change things (like communicate more effectively), as I always try to change and become better (i say what I'm working on). I'm worried that I may really really like him and that he only kinda likes me. He did recently invite me to meet his friends, which went pretty well! We spent time together and it felt great! I'm just unsure if he likes me though... I keep worrying that he doesn't like me anymore. I don't know why... I'm wondering if I'm self-sabotaging this situation. He says he wants to take it slow, and once he said I was different and special, but I have no clue if his opinion has changed. I'm super expressive and open about exactly what I feel and think... he isn't as much and sometimes this hurts me [though, I'm not entirely sure if it should]. I'm struggling with feeling like I'm not enough and I'm belittling myself in front of him (OCD Perfectionism) and being too worried what he thinks about me. With myself doing these things, I'm absolutely petrified if I've been ruining something I super badly wish for. I'm not sure how to not obsess about my appearance and my lack of career/university situation at this time (which triggers my OCD Perfectionism). I'm also not sure how to literally HEAR what he says sometimes, like if he says something positive about me I second guess it, which must really bother him (because I accidentally put him in a defensive position). I REALLY want this to work because I think he is magical and wonderful, but the very last thing I want to do is scare him away. I'm worried that he may not like me because he is slow with progression with me, like not interested in labeling, but at the same time, he wants me to meet his parents and he gave me a absolutely heartwarming gift that he made in childhood--which this makes me feel like he may actually like me... but I am so so so scared to mess this up! I just super want this to work, but I'm worried that my lack of practice in dating (having not dated in many years and only dated people who were toxic and abusive) and he is not at all like that!!! I feel like there is probably a lot more to say, but I'm definitely unsure how to approach this and feel comfortable with the unknown, sitting with the discomfort of NOT knowing what he thinks, and not having a label to pin onto the relationship or whatever we are, as we agreed to just being exclusive, but not dating others. I guess I'm worried he is taking his time because he doesn't like me enough to move forward, if I knew he actually wants to make me his girlfriend then I think I'd feel much more at ease. But until then, I feel uneasy and nervous about literally anything I say or do. I appreciate your support, in advance!

I’ve been having an ongoing panic attack for the past few hours. I went to bed calm and then I suddenly thought “I’m bisexual” and I jumped up in a panic because it felt like a sudden realisation. It feels so real, it feels like I’ve realised that I’m bisexual even though I really really don’t want to be. I’ve written down evidence like my therapist told me to of reasons why I would be gay and reasons why I’m not, and the reasons of why I’m not gay are far longer than the reasons why I am (there’s only three and it’s that I find girls pretty, and then ones about urges and checking). Right now, it feels like I’m hanging onto nothing and I’m just in denial and trying to find anything to say that I’m straight when it just feels like I’m bi. I’m scared that it’s internalised biphobia. I can’t stop the panic, I hate it, I hate the horrible feeling that makes me feel like I’m about to be sick every couple of minutes. I can’t tell what’s real anymore, all I know is that I’m in agony and I can’t stop this attack, and I can’t stop the feeling of sudden realisation of my sexuality, especially since my brain has been making me think that this whole time I’ve just been trying my hardest to suppress my true identity instead of proving that I’m straight. I’m terrified. A few years ago when this started, I used to say that I wouldn’t mind if I was bi because it meant that I could still be with men like I wanted, but now I definitely don’t want to be bisexual since I don’t want to be attracted to women at all and I’m panicking so much. Can it mess with your memories and your feelings to make you believe that you did in fact have crushes on girls and that you were always attracted to them? Because it’s just taking parts of my memory and overanalysing it to the point where I’m convinced I was actually attracted to a girl instead of just admiring her and wanting to be her friend. It’s also making me think that the only reason I crushed on guys was because that is the societal norm, despite me being incredibly head over heels for some boys and hating when they got girlfriends.

I cried really long and hard today, after getting triggered one too many times during this pandemic. I really felt like I wanted to die and hopeless about life. I can’t let past events go and I’m haunted like I have to hide or move away. The old me full of life is no longer. Shivering in anxiety and not being able to concentrate on work at all. Like I can’t even do basic tasks it’s paralysing. I already feel tired and aged at 27.

here’s a universal question. i’m curious to see how everyone will answer. are you truly happy? be honest.

my genuine attractions are starting to come back and i have hopes and dreams again. i hope to live in an apartment in new york city one day. what’s a dream you have that helps you get through the tough times, even if it seems crazy? i want to get to know you guys in the comments :’)

hello. i was wondering if people could explain how to recognise feelings of; ? > anxiety > disgust > unease/discomfort ? > pleasure > happiness > excitement ocd mixed with depression wont let me distinguish emotions and im stressed out about a particular situation where i felt; - a weird feeling in my stomach - increased heart rate - chest tightening - wanting to cry - swallowing/dry throat because to me, it sounds like unease/discomfort, but my brain tells me it means i like that situation :( could people please tell me their opinions on what this could sound like to them? not for reassurance, i just want to understand what i felt because my brain went let me myself. also, could someone please tell me what common reactions experienced with ocd (ie groinal responses etc) because while im in therapy im trying to avoid google because ill get trapped down a rabbit hole of reassurance. thanks, id appreciate any help on this one ?

please help, am always triggered by sexual words that i see or images and then i cant stop ruminating on whether or not i like it or not when i know that i dont, and then i cant make any sense of what i do and dont like and have to do compulsions to get rid of these thoughts. Just having trouble realizing that im not my thoughts not only eith this issie but all of my OCD in general. ive given in to every one of my compulsions for the last 4 months and cant seek to shake this. Anything helps, Thanks

I have a problem. A while ago, I suffered from real event OCD. I always had the urge to tell my boyfriend everything or I felt guilty and like a liar. Then one day I took photos with his camera and out of curiosity started to read a few of his dms and whatsapp chats. I couldn't stop, but it was mere curiosity (not good, I know). I suffered really bad about it, I didn't knew whether I should tell him or just not do it again and I felt incredibly worthless and guilty and depressed. After five days, I spoke to my therapist, which I had for only a month or so and she told me that if you do something wrong, you have to apologize for it. So I confessed to my boyfriend. While doing so, I had the urge to confess it right, every detail, and I also added everything I ever did which was similar, like accidentally looking at his amazon purchase history etc. I fear that my therapist accidentally advised me to do a compulsion. This impacts my whole recovery, my real event ocd got worse and every time I try to let it go and accept it as OCD, This incident pops up when I thought it was OCD but it wasn't, according to my therapist.

PLEASE HELPPPPPPPPPPPP! Can u share ur history abt hocd,how u deal with it and what does it make u feel?Im tired of this shit,tired of always feeling like im gay,i need an advice.

how could you accept uncertainty? just how tf do you accept that? to me, that's like accepting something i never am, will never do and would never want to be. i dunno, sounds like accepting that you are your intrusive thoughts.

My OCD is pretty basic compared to others. And because of this my mind tries to convince me that I don't have OCD, I'm just in denial. Which is absurd because so many people suffer the SAME symptoms I do, suffer the same exact worries, suffer the same thoughts. But so many people have so many different bizarre thoughts or compulsions compared to mine that I just can't help but think that I'm low-key, and therefore in denial. Most of my symptoms are mostly what all the articles say. The most popular, or the most common. I know if I were to get a proper diagnosis from multiple professionals, they would all go "bing bing bing! That's OCD luv" but I guess it's called doubters disease for a reason. ESPECIALLY since OCD is a popular disorder within my family. I'm just so terrified that I'll never get better, that I'll always be so terrified of myself and children, and that I won't be able to live with the uncertainty. I've been close to ending it because it's trying to convince I really am just a bad person and this whole bitchass quarantine is not helping since I'm always locked in my room with my thoughts, being an only child and all. I'm just so tired. The thoughts just keep getting worse and worse. I can't refuse my cumpulsions. I can't escape the fear that because my obsessions and compulsions are so straight forward and constantly morphing that they're all invalid. I know so many worry about it not actually being OCD, but what are your experiences? Do any of you have similar worries to mine pertaining my situation?