Welcome to
the NOCD Community

I don't know how to do it anymore. I have these constant urges to replay and revisit certain moments (where I think I hurt someone) and analyse them. I also want to confess to everyone I know... about everything. All I feel at the moment is disgust which has been growing more and more for the past weeks as I've been constantly feeding on tremendous levels of shame and disgust. I wonder how I could ever act on an urge and hurt my brother (even I never would intentionally because I love him more than my life, and because I don't want to be a person that causes pain to anyone in any way or shape). I wonder how I got here. It all started with thoughts. But it all ended in a huge, huge disaster with me as a monster in the centre of it. I'm really tired. I'm also scared because I'm convinced I will fail ALL my exams, therefore I will not be able to complete my second year at uni. Everything is getting worse and worse, and I barely have any energy left. I know I sound dramatic, which I apologise for, but I honestly feel like this is the end for me.

When I was younger I remember I used to masturbate to the thought of my sister, or sexualise her. I was around 10 or 11, and I feel terrible about it now... the problem us that my body still reacts to the very mention of sex so now when I get intrusive thoughts about her or another family member I get a groinal reaction and I'm worried it means something more :(

I dont think I deserve love. I hate myself. Want to hurt myself-- just a slap to my skin or pulling my hair. Just to ground myself, or maybe as a punishment for all the shit I've done. So much goes through my mind. Too many thoughts that I cant disprove. I truly am a monster. Fuck. Yall might try to say I'm not, but have you seen my other posts? I'm a disgusting, hurtful person. I hate myself so fucking much I hate my brain.

I’m 27 and have lost most of my best friends over the years. I was like the life of the party and very popular in college and right after, but it seems like the older I get, the more falling outs I have, the more I drift apart from people and I have to start over making friends. As of a few years ago, I don’t even have someone to call a best friend. I have some close friends, but not a best friend. And now in this pandemic especially I feel lonely.

My son, who has OCD, wants my husband and I to wash our hands before we go can be in his apartment. (Which we are helping him pay for) I also want to wash his bed sheets as he has not done so for literally months and months. He won’t allow me to do it. He wipes things down, including himself, with paper towels soaked in alcohol. He will do this in front of us. I told him to not let the OCD tell him what to do. He told me to back off. What can/should we do???? Please help!!!

My dad knows I have been having a super hard time of it and am basically at my wits end with my ocd. He sent me this tonight. This is why no matter how much I want to give up, I never will: "Just wanted you to know that I am sitting here in the living room and am looking at that absolutely magnificent picture of you and me at the wedding. It is so beautiful! Honey, I want you to know that I am here for you and that I will fight hard for/with you to overcome our concern. We have to dig in and really battle this. I am right here with you. You can't give up; I will fight with you. It would kill me if you ever give up! We CAN'T GIVE UP! Remember, there is nothing we can do that can't be done I will take you ANYWHERE to get help. I love you and I need you. Always, Dad."

I feel that I have lost connection to my life and myself. My life seems to be lived through compulsions and senseless thought & my emotions are not in line. Has anyone experienced a feeling of emotional detachment where your emotions are out of wack? Is there anything you have done to combat that?

I’m sad. I keep thinking about things that have gone wrong in my life. The job I loved that I lost. The girl I tried to save but couldn’t. The fact that I’ll never be a therapist like I wanted to be. :/

Has anyone ever dealt with false memories after a night out drinking with friends? Thinking you may have done something so against your morals?

Any HOCD sufferers around? I’m sorry for posting so much but I am in a dark place. I just got married and my HOCD has flared dramatically. I try not to post to lower my anxiety but I had a sex dream with a woman and have started once again to doubt myself. The idea of hurting my husband bc he’s my best friend not someone I love bc I’m gay is haunting me. I don’t have it in me to fight anymore. I’m seeing a therapist but it’s so hard to do erp when I have been aroused by that stuff in the past. So it’s like confirming I’m a lesbian. I’m going insane. Any help, at all. Or advice is deeply needed.

ocd for 10 years is this too long to recover

I just read a gay story on Reddit linked to hocd and he said he turned out gay and at the start he would do tests and stuff like that and want to be with girls, this has triggered me and now I think I’m gonna be like that cause, the thoughts are convincing me that I like them ( gay sex) even tho it made me feel sick and disgusted

I’m having trouble again with when I find someone cute that I see in public I begin thinking that I dont like my boyfriend because of the fact that I find someone else attractive. I start to question the validity of my feelings and our relationship and man it sucks. Does anyone else experience this? What do you do to combat it?

How do y’all get over the dark days? Because it’s this constant anxiety and thoughts. The last several days have been bad.

When I say you want to be X, it doesn't feel right anymore. The thoughts made me so numb that it feels like I'd be better off with what my thoughts are telling me which sucks. At the beginning, I was like I want to be straight, but now, it doesn't feel right :(((

think one of the most scariest feelings is feeling like you want the thoughts or like them in anyway it’s awful and disgusting

I've been really struggling for five years with a theme after I received intensive ERP. OCD knows my weakest point and it's therapy & recovery. I do care a lot about beating OCD and the OCD knows that. It's throwing out demands in the disguise of exposure & it's really hard to know what's therapy & what's OCD. Sometimes I'll even question whether or not I have listened and following through on it's "exposure" instructions, which then I'll go back to check if I did listen. Of course that doesn't help. My character is being destroyed by this, constant instructions that if something bothers me as me, or I don't like it, that it's OCD and I need to habituate to it, when in reality, it's just something I don't like. I really wish there was a therapist in my area who could help me navigate through this. I agree that keeping it simple is key. I do wish somehow this were easier to convey to a therapist. No matter what the OCD content, it should be about letting yourself experience the obsession & not performing the compulsion. Not actually doing what's inside the obsession, which is where my OCD warps everything. Really struggling and really need help.

Guys I think I’m just now a pedo. I just want to kill my self i’ve been thinking about how this is literally my one and only life that I get and that it is possibly one of the shittiest ones filled with a never ending OCD cycles that has lasted for decades. I’m sad that I have to do all this goddamn ERP the rest of my life and have to do maintenance forever and have to do all these fucking work on top of the work a normal person has to do. All I ever feel is rage and frustration and depression and I’m on an antidepressants. I hate my life it’s honestly not worth living anymore I have no skills I had to drop out of college because of this, I can’t be around kids anymore because I genuinely feel like I want to touch them, i’ve hated almost every job that I’ve worked and can only get jobs that I hate and I’m absolutely god awful at them, and I haven’t really fully been attracted to people my own age in a year I can’t even look at porn and get off on it anymore. Also, before anyone asks, yes I’m in ERP and guess what shit ain’t working and in fact it’s starting to convince me that I really am what I feared all along. I’m supposed to start a partial hospitalization program but that got taken away because of COVID-19 stipulation bullshit. And I have to start looking for another one that’s probably way more expensive. honestly I’m not even sure that’s gonna work. I don’t wanna live long enough to see myself become a monster. Fuck everything I hate my life!!!

Hi guys, I'm supposed to take my first exam in a week and a bit. However, I'm not ready at all. I haven't revised properly and I know there is a great chance for me to fail it (as well as the other ones unfortunately). I really wanted to spend the following week revising and studying as much as possible (I know it shouldn't be like this but I have no other choice at the moment). But I'm afraid I won't be able to do it. The main reason for that is the intensity of the feelings of shame and guilt (and disgust towards myself) I'm currently dealing with. I keep having this thought in my head that I'm a terrible, terrible person for doing certain things. I also keep having the thought that I should be in prison or that I will go there in the close future. No matter how hard I try to acknowledge these feelings and accept them as they are, I still feel very miserable; I feel like the most disgusting, perverted person that ever existed in this world (I know I'm exaggerating but that's what it feels like). There is this immense (emotional) pain in my body that I don't know how to deal with. It makes me feel suicidal. Most of the days I keep thinking how I don't want to spend another day on this planet, and what a relief it would be to end this pain. I know I've been given such great advice so many times, which I'm really thankful for, and I should use that to try and start working with my problems by myself, but I still don't know how to do it, so that's why I'm asking for your help once again. I'm sorry for starting this post so lightly but ending in such a sad, upsetting note. Thank you for reading this.

Hello everyone hope everyone is doing well despite the circumstances