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I really need help with jealousy. Any one that can help!?

tw: abuse, coercion, suicide mention .. .. i’m sorry this is going to be incredibly long because maybe writing this out will kind of help. very confused...i’m 22 and i’ve never had a crush on another girl. growing up it felt pretty natural that they were just my friends. i didn’t think anything of it actually. the earliest crush on a boy i had was in kindergarten. i always noticed boys and men, but never seemed to take any notice of women or other girls. if boys thought another girl in my class was pretty, or they got along better with them, i’d feel jealous of the girls. my first real crush in grade 6 was pretty embarrassing.. the whole school found out and then he personally called me ugly to my friends. i guess it was then i began to adopt a mindset that boys were just disgusted by me. my mom first told me about the lgbt community when i was 13 and distinctly remember thinking “oh i wonder what it’s like for those people.” some time soon after a classmate and i were kind of bickering back and forth. he called me a lesbian as an insult (like equivalent to ‘idiot’ or ‘stupid’ - which of course was wrong). i guess that comment kind of triggered this whole thing. i started experiencing anxiety (i didn’t know it was anxiety at the time) being exposed to rainbows, hearing lgbt stories, if my eyes lingered anywhere too long, being around lgbt people, eye contact, etc. i think grade 9 was when i discovered porn. (i feel uncomfortable writing this ??‍♀️??‍♀️) straight porn did arouse me but lesbian porn seemed to a lot more. i was convinced that it meant something about my sexuality. my obsessional thinking grew into me asking my mom for reassurance. that’s when the checking happened constantly. i compared my own reactions to different scenarios, purposefully looked at women to analyze what i felt, avoided watching certain tv shows. i was paranoid of people thinking i was bi or a lesbian. i thought i was insane. i was hyper-aware of everything: other people’s reactions, my groin, my thoughts and emotions. my mom had to talk me through a few crying meltdowns because everything felt wrong. i felt crazy and homophobic and not myself. during this time i was in my 2nd relationship and it was abusive. he threatened to kill himself if i didn’t have sex with him, shamed me every day and used anger to scare me often. i think it affected how i viewed sex greatly. my next relationship after him was healthier. he had a higher sex drive than me, but he truly cared about me. my ocd (again, i had no idea it was ocd at the time) seemed to attack it. the hocd got triggered badly again after seeing a woman in a particularly sexualized way during a movie. i began constantly researching and googling at a ridiculous rate. we were in bed together when i read a forum comment that porn preference indicates sexuality. i started crying and he couldn’t seem to understand my pain - but i didn’t either. i began thinking that every relationship or any feeling i’ve had towards men were fake. i was truly convinced that i was just faking it and living in complete denial of my sexuality. i even came out to my mom that i was bi after a spiral. she accepted it wholeheartedly. the coming out didn’t bother me at all. i wasn’t scared in the slightest - but i didn’t feel relief after telling her. i was still anxious and still asking “what if.” after that, i was in another relationship with a man, and after that i had three intense relationships with men over the course of 4 years, but my super low confidence interfered with them progressing (despite how much i wanted to date them). now i’m in the healthiest relationship i’ve ever been in. he’s my love. i met him when his band was playing and i noticed him as soon as i walked in the building. we got talking and it lasted the whole night. after his set, we both couldn’t stop smiling. when i got home, i rushed to my best friend to tell her all about him. she said she had never seen me smile that big.. ? but this of course is when i feel ocd the most. i asked my mom constantly for reassurance (bless her soul, she’s had to deal with so many repeated conversations) the 3rd week of covid lockdown gave me a really really bad spike. i masturbated and orgasmed to lesbian porn. this is significant because i haven’t orgasmed in any of my relationships. it’s been the driving force of my ocd. so needless to say, that was it for me. i didn’t eat for 3 days and i just wanted to die honestly.. i probably would have if my boyfriend didn’t come over and made me go back home to my parents.... but then i stumbled across an awaken into love video on sexual orientation ocd about a month and a half ago - which led me to learning about different ocd themes, making me realize that i’ve gone through the harm, incest, pedophilia and relationship subtypes as well. it was like my life suddenly made sense ? all of my strange behaviours and unhappy feelings suddenly had an explanation. of course my ocd has made me think that i don’t even have ocd, i’ve been lying to myself, i have to break up with my boyfriend, etc. i feel exhausted. i’m sure to anyone reading this, it could very well seem that i’m bi - there’s quite a bit of evidence. i’ll just accept the fact at this point. i don’t want to date girls, but it seems that it’s what life wants me to do . will keep on therapy and on meds there. got it all out ❤️

I’m so scared I’m a lesbian again I still don’t want it bc tho but for some reason the thoughts font make me as uncomfortable or anxious as they once did Barely even at all And that makes me feel like I’m actually a lesbian and as I’ve been getting better it’s coming out Ughhhhh why:/ But I still don’t want it and at the same time am still uncomfortable at the thought of it like I just got uncomfy and anxious rn Smh

New pocd false memory I'm still obssessing over that day on the pool and I hope this is a false memory but I think my sister's friend sat on my lap on the pool and at that day I was having intrusive thoughts... This "memory" is so fuzzy and I'm so scared she sat on my lap... This was 3 years ago so I don't remember much of the event. I only remember giving her 2 piggyback rides that day. That is the only "physical" interaction we had. I can't sleep. I want to cry. My brain keeps shooting false memories everyday and I'm on a breaking point. I was almost 21 when this happened...

Can someone tell me when people say it feels real what do they mean exactly? At what point is it feel real or denial

Can someone share their experience with hocd please

I finally got in contact with a therapist today after suffering in silence for almost a year. I am proud for making this step but I am so scared to. Does anyone have any advice? I don’t even know where to start. I feel I’ll just be crying my eyes out the whole time and that she’ll think I’m a bad person. I’m especially scared she’ll think I’m homophobic due to my HOCD and don’t know how to talk about it without sounding homophobic

Im developing a new theme of ocd... Its about forgetting things and amnesia for example i have thoughts like: ok can i remember what i did 5 years ago? If i cant remember that means i have amnesia and if i can answer it i cant be certain so have amnesia.. it feels like its ocd but it also feels like something else is going on aswell... My medication is flouxetine

What’s the craziest thing OCD has convinced you guys of ?

I ordered an STI/STD test because even though I haven’t had unprotected sex/sexual contact with anyone but my partner (who hasn’t got anything)I’m scared I’ve like contracted it by touching an object and then touching myself afterwards (not in like a sexual way but like when I get changed or something the STI or STD might spread to my body)...I already have/or had HPV with Genital Warts which I’m so ashamed of...my partner knows this so I haven’t hidden it but I’m scared I might have something else that I contracted not by sex or sexual contact...

So I've have OCD from a young age, about age 13, which stemmed from being over protective of my siblings, then as time went on turned into contamination OCD, HOCD, being scared I'm schizophrenia. But now I'm dealing with POCD and this is really fucking with me. I'm now 21 and let me say I'll never in my life hurt/harm a child. But I was on Instagram last year and someone I followed posted a pic of their daughter, and I started getting intrusive thoughts. So to relieve the thoughts I masturbated to it and felt guilt instantly. IDK if this is hormones, POCD, or if I'm actually a P. I remember when I used to masturbate to similar things when I was about 15 to girls much younger than my age at that time, which I am now also repulsed by. I thought nothing of those thoughts, until last year, when I got scared of actually being a P. Currently I masturbate to normal porn and have only fancy girls my age and seek out relationships with them. (21-24). These thoughts went away and I got a Gf a year older than me. Everything was going well until about yesterday, when the thought popped up out of my head out of nowhere. Then once again I began searching things about "POCD and what if I'm a P" and kept searching all these forums on reddit and such. I now believe that the cops will come to my house because of my google searches from years ago and I'm a terrible person. Besides that thought I've also had these: Afraid I assualted someone when I was 8 years old when I brushed a females breast (accidentally) Always afraid I'd be jumping off escalator at mall Felt like I'd blurt something inappropriate Closing ever cabinet in the house every time Everytine would see scary image, always stuck in my head. Afraid of going to hell, afraid of being possessed. Afraid of having schizophrenia Afraid of being gay Afraid of having an unknown health condition **Afraid of being a pedo** Always put head down in class Focused on blinking Afraid of killing parents and/or other people Fear of being attracted to mom Obsessed over how we sleep Fear of going to hell/death Don't feel in body/feel weird Afraid of being trans Afraid someone would rob house Anxiety over girlfriends past relationships

I don’t know how many of you understand how hard it is to be transgender and fight against the opposition and violence of family, friends, boss and coworkers, strangers on the street, the government to seize space within a gender category that’s livable for you. I don’t feel comfortable in lesbian scenes even though I’m a dyke. I have to wrestle with my body all the time. Before my girlfriend and I broke up, she was walking downtown and some fucking teenagers called her a man in a dress and threw a bottle at her head. And everything I’ve fought so hard for - my OCD comes along and tells me I’m not really transgender at all, that I’m a man. Distances me from my feelings towards other women, puts a tinge of doubt into every romantic or sexual feeling I have towards women. Demotivates me from working on my appearance, makes me see a man when I look in the mirror, pushes me towards self-destructive and self-sabotaging behavior. Fuck this. I’ve got the social oppression that this society forces on me as a transgender woman lodged in my head in the form of pure-o OCD telling me I’m a man. I get no shelter from the constant hailstorm of bullshit even in my own mind. I hate being expected to just fight it, be a soldier. I mean, I’m a *good* mental soldier. I’m extremely tough. But why should I have to be? Why can’t I relax and just pursue my life, why should I have to fight? Another part of me really wants to get out there and fight, fight hard. But with an unpredictable world situation heading far-right, putting myself out in the world as a radical-left disabled transsexual just feels like I’m begging to be destroyed. I think I know what the answers to these predicaments are, but that doesn’t make it easy. Now, tonight, I find out that my best friend - the most brilliant person I’ve ever known - is posting things online implying that he’s about to kill himself. He’s disabled too - blind. Tired of being treated like a child by his family and everyone around him. I don’t blame him, but if he dies, I’ll be in more agony than I can explain. Why can’t we just have good lives? Why can’t we catch a break? What the fuck is wrong with this world? I wish my OCD would at least leave me alone and let me be integrated with my body and my sense of self. Really, it’s the least I deserve. I’ve been through too much, damn it.

Just a little spill. I feel like I need to just say all of this because it builds up and I feel like nobody in my home will understand. So I will say it here to get it off of my chest. Right now I’m sitting at my desk with an open notebook. The notebook says... Left Page: “Ever Morning I - Wake Up - Take a Shower - Get Dressed - Apply Lotion and Sunscreen - Eat Breakfast” Right Page: “Work Days... - Pack Lunch - Brush my Teeth” My goal oriented from a lack of consistency. My work schedule (which is usually twice a week) has been really crazy over the past two months as most people have. Because my schedule isn’t normal I guess I’m trying to plan out every single consistent action that I could bring into days even when I don’t work. But I get stuck. Really stuck. If I don’t work, my day is really over after I eat breakfast. There’s no consistency, sometimes I go to the grocery store with my mom or I play with my younger sibling. I feel like I have to map out and plan every single action. I hate feeling stuck, I hate taking everything so literally! I will always follow directions to a T, so literally no matter what I do. I constantly feel like I have to follow “any guidance” like if I read an article of “55 Things to Do When You’re Bored” and the top suggestion is “Binge watch! Maybe you’d like to get into watching Top Chef!” instead of picking something to watch, I search forToo Chef. If I can’t watch Top Chef, my day is screwed and nothing else “counts” for the rest of the day. What in the world is all of this? Is this ‘just-right’ OCD? Is this even OCD? Sorry about the rant- just had to let all of that out! Hope you all are doing well.

How do I tell the difference between: avoidance behavior and getting on with my life? Just did an exposure (one of those awful ones that can’t be “undone”). As I drove away, my mind would start saying “But what if—“ and I pushed it away, distracted myself, every time it came up. But...I thought it was a bad idea to distract yourself from uncomfortable thoughts? So, was pushing the thought away compulsive avoidance, or was it getting on with my life?

I’m terrified out of my mind to her my wisdom teeth out tomorrow. They gave me anxiety pills to take tonight And in the morning but I don’t want to take them, I’m scared they’re just trying to kill me on purpose by doing this surgery and I can’t take this

Is anyone else experiencing derealisation ? If yes how long? What do you do to face it?

It used to be so much better, I was only depressed back then but I could handle it. Now I doubt every single action I do, everything I say, every single thing I look at somehow manages to trigger me and makes me doubt myself on the most basic level. I'm not even officially diagnosed so on a really bad day it'll feel like hell because I can't even comfort myself by saying it's the hocd. I will admit things are somewhat okay now. At least better than when it started but here I am 6 months later and I still can't go to sleep, I still can't watch a movie without overthinking at some point. I can't notice a cute girl without feeling like I'm lying to myself. I can't read or listen to music without being scared it'll suddenly turn me gay(it's ridiculous I know but I can't seem to get that for some reason). It still hurts and it makes me feel so much weaker and pathetic than I ever used to feel and the worst part is I can never tell if I even have hocd or not so it's ten times harder to accept uncertainty about who I am if I can't even be certain if I have the disorder or not. I find myself in tears and apologizing for no reason(I don't even know what I'm apologizing for) now and begging God to make things the way they used to be, when it was just depression. Not ocd, anxiety, severe sadness and pain and extreme self-loathing because I can't stop thinking all the time. It feels like a freight train running through the middle of my head 24 hours a day. Thoughts and feeling that never seem to stop....ever. I feel like I'm in a prison in my own head and I can't get out. It's crazy but I feel like it's almost malicious, like this disorder is an evil entity that's constantly seeking to hurt me. To anyone reading I apologize for my rambling but i have nowhere else to go and the loneliness is killing me. If I triggered anyone I sincerely apologize but I just needed to vent. I don't know if this counts as asking for reassurance but it gets better right? Please tell me it gets better.

Super anxious today. I’m scared to even write out why.

RECOVERY STORY AND HOPE/TIPS!!! Hello everyone! This is my ‘success’ story, I wanna help anyone who is struggling with ROCD or HOCD, or OCD in general. I struggled so much at the beginning because i didn’t know what was happening to me! i started feeling disconnected from the world and just so numb, my heart would pump so fast and i felt like i was completely crazy. i had thoughts of... “do i love my bf?” “am i gay?” “what if i lost ‘feelings’?” ...(etc i think u guys get it) Until i came across the name of this thing i was experiencing, i had felt such a relief that the thing i was going through had a name and that many people in the world were experiencing it. I knew i was not alone. Many of you are probably so anxious to know how to get ‘rid’ of this.. but in reality you don’t get rid of the thoughts! You have the thoughts but not as often as you usually had! eventually you’ll realize that they are just thoughts. <<HERE ARE THE THINGS/TIPS I HAVE>> #1- You have to learn that love is not a feeling, love is a choice. You have to stop searching for this ‘feeling’ because you will not find it. You have to accept that in that moment you feel uncomfortable and that it WILL pass. #2- You can not avoid things that trigger you!!!!!!!! once you are triggered, DO NOT! I REPEATTTTT DO NOT!! hop on google, or go to your partner for reassurance! this is the main thing that kept me in that ocd cycle. #3- It is okay to feel uncomfortable, but you have to accept that feeling and continue doing what you was doing! #4- Once you get those thoughts, you have to label them as “OCD” for example: {my constant thoughts were “you don’t love him” i would say “ oh hi that’s my ocd, welcome i know im having this thought again, i choose to ignore you right now and have control over what im going to do next”} after that i would continue what i was doing and that thought would flow away eventually! this helped me so much! #5- get off forums, and get off things that give you constant reassurance, it only keeps u in the same loop. #6- journaling helped me so much, i wrote down how i was feeling and my progress that helped me dump out anything stressful i had in my head. #7- meditating, this helped a lot as well. when i was having a lot of anxiety i would go on youtube and just relax on my bed listening to some guided meditations and it truly calmed my anxiety a lot!! #8- Yoga in the mornings!!! THIS IS A BIG ONEEE!! My anxiety would be really bad in the mornings, so once i felt that anxiety i would relax and do yoga with adriene on Youtube. After yoga, i would journal and start off my day with my prayers and set affirmations and get my day started. #9- stop having social media expectations of love! there are days where i have the thoughts but they don’t even bother me because they are just thoughts !!! i don’t even stress about them! and if you’re scared about leaving your partner once you heal, trust me you will not! BECAUSE YOU HAVE THE POWER. I believe in every single one of you guys. This was a hard journey that i had to go through. But it was not impossible, At moments i felt like i wanted to give up because everything felt so REAL , but i knew that it would pass and that i need to hang on. I love you all, and if you have any questions please comment, and i’ll help you!! If i did it, so can you! do not give up!! YOU GOT THIS!! GET OFF THIS AND START YOUR STORY AND YOUR JOURNEY TO HEALING!!!!!!!!!!!!!! ??????

I think I am a OCD patient because th symptoms ar matched.I don’t know what to do.I feel ashamed to share this with my parents an friends.I feel so lonely.The thoughts make me ore lonely day by day. It has broken my life.How can I handle this situation...?