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Can I talk to someone about my hocd? I've had a bad day and I would like some company :(

I can’t tell if this is existential OCD or if something else is going on, but I’ve been having a serious existential crisis-type episode for the past week. Starting with the realization of my own mortality and an impending sense of doom, hopelessness, pointlessness, and despair, which led me down a path of spirituality (mix of Buddhist and Hindu beliefs). That’s in the realm of “normal” for me, and I was feeling amazing afterwards, I felt like everything finally made sense, like I was at peace with the world, nature, and my soul. But then the intrusive thoughts started(about when I realized technically anything is possible in this seemingly endless universe). At first they were about this whole world being fake, that everyone was in on it except for me, that I was being tested to see if I had learned enough/been a good enough person in this life. Soon realized that this wasn’t logical, since I was going off the idea that nothing was real, but if no one was real they wouldn’t be able to lie to me. Then it transitioned into pure solipsism, which terrified me to the very depths of my soul, at which point I felt suicidal (basically “if nothing is real what’s the point?” Kind of thinking) but after a couple of days of ruminating, I realized the flaws in this logic, as well, and was comfortable in the idea that this was false. Which brings me to now. It’s sort of a mixture of the two, I now have an intrusive thought that there’s some force that created this world to test me, but that no one is “real”, that they have the appearance of being conscious like me, but are being controlled by an outside force, that they’re like robots with the appearance of having a soul, but are just programmed to seem that way, that I’ll not be able to see them again when I die and return to the pool of consciousness since they never existed in the first place. I know in my rational mind this isn’t true, but it just keeps pounding in my head that it’s possible, so I can never assume it isn’t the truth, and it’s making me feel so hopeless. What’s the point if everything is a lie? I feel like my world is crumbling beneath my feet, like I’m drowning. The worst part was that I was fine this morning, but was triggered by an existential question I saw posed online, and wound up back here. I’m terrified that I’m going insane.

HOCD is so similar to the lgbt questioning/coming out process. It’s been so hard not to obsess today

Hi. I just needed to post here about some stuff I’m feeling seeking support or a kind perspective. To sum up my background story I spent nearly 10 years suffering with a hormone imbalance. I now take a hormone replacement daily, and my mood has dramatically improved and literally my life has changed. During those 10 years though I had a lot of ups/downs. Fortunately, nothing too terrible ever happened, but I was suicidal and couldn’t control my emotions and my judgement was impaired. All that to say I hurt some people along the way. I have a friend who I’ve known since high school. She’s been there for me through some of my worst times but, as we’ve gotten a little older, we’ve drifted a part some and lost some of our connection. She made me her maid of honor in her wedding, and I didn’t live up to her expectations and I think that’s out a further strain on our relationship. I have some hurt from her too so I decided to write her a letter a couple of months ago basically sharing with her some of the hurt I was feeling and also seeking to mend things with her. I feel that we need to have a deeper conversation about some stuff. My intention which I told her was to make our relationship better, and I also told her about my health because she doesn’t know about what’s been happening with my hormone replacement or how that’s impacting me. My intention with telling her that was so that she might be more understanding of me. It’s been 2-3 months since I emailed her, and I haven’t heard back. She has a child so I’m thinking that maybe she just hasn’t had time to sit down and write me back, but I’m still feeling hurt and rejected that I haven’t heard from her and afraid that I won’t. Up until I wrote this letter we were still talking about once a month so we weren’t in a terrible place, but I felt like I needed to share how I was really feeling or our relationship would met be able to grow. I was hoping that my letter would make us better friends, not more distant. I don’t regret anything I wrote because I was kind and honest and I needed to say the things I said. But I am sad to not have heard anything from her. I’m trying to remain hopeful that one day I’ll hear back from her, but there’s also a fear in me that I won’t or that what I will hear back will really hurt. This is someone I’ve invested a lot of time to. We’ve been friends for a little over 10 years so not having her in my life would really hurt. I hope things can get better, but the uncertainty is getting to me. I’m also really sad that I had this hormone imbalance all along and that it effected my emotions so much. I am grateful to have figured out my problem, but I wonder how much better my life would have been if I could have discovered it sooner. I feel like I would have lived up to her expectations and other’s expectations better and wouldn’t have lost friends like I did. I also that I would have been more careful in my dating life and wouldn’t have dated some of the guys I dated and thus wouldn’t have gotten hurt like I did. I just think overall I would have had an easier time and things would be better for me right now. Instead I feel really lonely for friends. I don’t have anyone close to me other than my fiancé-not my parents, siblings or a friend. I really long for connection and for friendship. My parents and sister, unfortunately, are really different from me and I’ve tried to find a closer connection with them but it just doesn’t work. My friend who I mentioned above has been like a sister so losing her as a close friend would break my heart. Anyways that’s what is going on in my mind. Thanks for listening.

Sometimes my compulsions take my full attention. Sometimes they feel totally reasonable. Sometimes I don't understand how other people could NOT do whatever I'm doing.... - And other times I can take a step back, watch myself doing compulsions, and say "this is absurd". That, my friends, is a moment of insight. - Tell us about a time you realized your comoulsions made no sense. -

Does anyone else here have moral / responsibility theme OCD?

Y'know, even post-therapy sometimes it's hard not to feel like a freak. Not because you start doubting that it's not OCD again, but because you have OCD. Just this chronic problem that makes you feel like you're a diet but just as worse version of the people you're most terrified of (murderers, sex offenders, generally shit human beings) it's.....hard to feel like you didn't deserve all the horrible things that have happened to you throughout your life.

What did you do when your therapy was over? I am currently doing an online 12 week CBT program with a psychiatrist and she’s been really great. My anxiety has gone down from probably an 8 to 4 overall and I’ve learned a lot of skills. She says that usually after the 12 weeks, clients usually feel better and take the skills and tools they’ve learned and that people don’t need therapy forever. I’ve told her that I would like to continue sessions and she’s agreed to do 12 more weeks of online video chats (20 mins per week) but I asked to do them every 2 weeks I could slowly taper off. I feel like I’ve learned a lot but I still have questions about dealing with what ifs and what if my thoughts are real threats or just perceived threats. Should I keep seeing a therapist after or how do I remain in remission after the therapy is over?

For those, but specifically females who suffer from HOCD, do you find the OCD thoughts switching up on you? I went to my first meeting with my therapist, as they were talking my thoughts were like, “No, I’m gay. I like girls.” Like it was this switch. When before I was obsessing and fearing over being gay. Then there was this sensation of pleasure, like my body liked the thought and my mind was I exhausted to counter the thoughts but it didn’t fee right. My HOCD has now fixated on “boyish” females and I get that weird pleasure sensation that didn’t I have to before. I know we tend to feel more for the things we don’t want but OCD is a vicious monster.

Anyone know anything about OCD and the crippling need to confess things?

Hi. I just needed to post here about some stuff I’m feeling seeking support or a kind perspective. To sum up my background story I spent nearly 10 years suffering with a hormone imbalance. I now take a hormone replacement daily, and my mood has dramatically improved and literally my life has changed. During those 10 years though I had a lot of ups/downs. Fortunately, nothing too terrible ever happened, but I was suicidal and couldn’t control my emotions and my judgement was impaired. All that to say I hurt some people along the way. I have a friend who I’ve known since high school. She’s been there for me through some of my worst times but, as we’ve gotten a little older, we’ve drifted a part some and lost some of our connection. She made me her maid of honor in her wedding, and I didn’t live up to her expectations and I think that’s out a further strain on our relationship. I have some hurt from her too so I decided to write her a letter a couple of months ago basically sharing with her some of the hurt I was feeling and also seeking to mend things with her. I feel that we need to have a deeper conversation about some stuff. My intention which I told her was to make our relationship better, and I also told her about my health because she doesn’t know about what’s been happening with my hormone replacement or how that’s impacting me. My intention with telling her that was so that she might be more understanding of me. It’s been 2-3 months since I emailed her, and I haven’t heard back. She has a child so I’m thinking that maybe she just hasn’t had time to sit down and write me back, but I’m still feeling hurt and rejected that I haven’t heard from her and afraid that I won’t. Up until I wrote this letter we were still talking about once a month so we weren’t in a terrible place, but I felt like I needed to share how I was really feeling or our relationship would met be able to grow. I was hoping that my letter would make us better friends, not more distant. I don’t regret anything I wrote because I was kind and honest and I needed to say the things I said. But I am sad to not have heard anything from her. I’m trying to remain hopeful that one day I’ll hear back from her, but there’s also a fear in me that I won’t or that what I will hear back will really hurt. This is someone I’ve invested a lot of time to. We’ve been friends for a little over 10 years so not having her in my life would really hurt. I hope things can get better, but the uncertainty is getting to me. I’m also really sad that I had this hormone imbalance all along and that it effected my emotions so much. I am grateful to have figured out my problem, but I wonder how much better my life would have been if I could have discovered it sooner. I feel like I would have lived up to her expectations and other’s expectations better and wouldn’t have lost friends like I did. I also that I would have been more careful in my dating life and wouldn’t have dated some of the guys I dated and thus wouldn’t have gotten hurt like I did. I just think overall I would have had an easier time and things would be better for me right now. Instead I feel really lonely for friends. I don’t have anyone close to me other than my fiancé-not my parents, siblings or a friend. I really long for connection and for friendship. My parents and sister, unfortunately, are really different from me and I’ve tried to find a closer connection with them but it just doesn’t work. My friend who I mentioned above has been like a sister so losing her as a close friend would break my heart. Anyways that’s what is going on in my mind. Thanks for listening.

I saw someone (a UK based supposed ‘expert’ in OCD) talk about rationalising your fears, sort of like ‘why would this be really that bad?’ And saying to truly get over your fear you’d have to say to yourself that even if your fear came true you’d be able to cope and you should realise it’s not that bad. But isn’t that counterproductive? As our fears are often quite distressing/taboo/or ego-dystonic.

how do i tell the difference if i have ocd or not ?

YALL IM HERE TO LISTEN TO U ALL LIKE SERIOUSLY ANYONE WHO HAS SOMETHING TO SAY CAN SAY IT HERE

My HOCD and ROCD are using me insecurities against me. “You’re gay and now everyone from your school is going to judge you and you will have to find new friends” (I am the type of person who is shy and insecure and I’m scared to embarrass myself all the time and scared people will judge me) I also read that people in the closet fear what others might think of them so I’m terrified this is me right now. I also get the thought “you’re not breaking up with your boyfriend because you’re too nice and too much of a coward to do it”. I have so many fears such as losing my boyfriend because I am gay or bi... I am scared I will one day decide to date a woman... I am scared I am gay or bi... I am scared of how people are gonna view me differently... I am scared I am going to lose myself... I am scared I’m in denial... I am sad I have these thoughts because I love liking guys and I am so happy liking boys and my boyfriend makes me so happy but just that thought scares me too. I don’t know what to do I feel like since the thoughts don’t come out with anxiety I have accepted them as true and for someone reason I can’t stop myself from mentally checking if I felt this way before or not and it’s so automatic. I just want this to go away. I want to be happy with my boyfriend and love him forever without the fear of being gay and without being insecure about my feeling. I know love is a choice and feeling come and go and I’m completely fine with that. I just want to choose him always and all of these thoughts get in the way and I feel like the thoughts are my truth now and I’m just in denial. I’m sorry this was a lot I just needed to let it out

Does anyone ever worry that they aren’t sexually attracted to kids, but like, emotionally attracted? If that makes any sense. I know I’m not interested in kids sexually, but I’m afraid I have “crushes” on them. It’s why noticing things about them being cute or doing something sweet is so difficult because how do you know if what you’re feeling is normal or not?

Does any one feel that the general things people go through because of ocd doesn't necessarily apply to you? Yet you have been diagnosed by multiple therapists as an ocd patient. The things i listed down mostly applies to people with high brain control or a high level of personal strictness i do not mean to sound condescending at all just trying to seek help. So here are some points that are confusing me let me know if anyone can relate. 1. People have anxiety with thoughts but for me i can easily control my anxiety level its entirely up to me to feel 10/10 or 1/10 anxiety. It won't make the thought go away or anything its just i would be feeling different with different levels. High anxiety may cause extreme shivering and want me to hide myself from the world, while low anxiety feels like I'm claiming yes this is my ocd thought/compulsion so what no ones opinion on me matters. 2. Ocd patients have difficulty talking related to their obsessions, have difficulty doing certain actions, extreme fear of triggers while it makes no difference to me whether i interact with them or not. Its not like anything changes by experimenting with these behaviours so whats the fear about.... 3. Getting reassurance can be that i am not a bad person or anything else, again i felt like ocd doesn't change who you are so i know what i am even your opinion doesn't matter ocd. 4. Though i had issues dealing with guilt in the beginning as my compulsion goes against my religious beliefs but when i learned about the leniency for patients in religion i have no guilt for these obsession/compulsion. 5. Paying attention to thoughts this thing has never had any meaning to me as a person who constantly tries to change himself for better i haven't been able to do so ever since the thoughts started paying attention or not does anything really changes? Besides these i had a really hard time adjusting to medication took me 8 months just to get a suitable SSRI but these medications just limit my compulsions while deactivating certain parts of my brain and sets my stamina to ZERO. Not talking medication increases my compulsions but gets me on normal brain levels and regular stamina. Now I'm not questioning the abilities of my therapists but it feels a waste of time and money. Felt no improvement over a year all i do is adjust myself to feel different which i have been doing before therapy. Contribution of therapy in my life feels null. Can anyone advise me where to move forward from or what is the forward for people like me?

Sometimes my OCD makes my parents very angry. It bothers me so much. Cause i dont want to have this thoughts. I dont want to be this way. I used to hate the way my father looked at me when i did my ocd rituals. I thought i see shame in his eyes. When i was in school. Every time i did my rituals I felt ashamed of what i was doing infront of others. It hurted so much. I so wanted to stop this. I just hated the way i looked. It just feel bad when my mother says "your driving me crazy" or " what have i done that you became like this" or "i wish god kill me" when she is bothered by my ocd. Or when they shout at me. I feel so bad. Cause i dont want to be this way more than anybody else. Im trying and i have improved so much. Im still trying. But my mother constantly put me under preassure for going to my therapist. I think she dont like her because she expect therapy to work fast.

I’m in the weird spot where nothing is causing me anxiety and I just feel scared and tired by my thoughts. They are trying to latch onto something but nothing is coming up. What should I do when this happens?

i’m getting freaked out by myself. Please help. I was wondering if it was wrong to have sex with someone if one person was drunk or tipsy and the other wasn’t but they gave consent. I thought for me at least not anyone else, that if i gave consent when inebriated then it would be okay. But also i see how it’s wrong because why would you want to do anything with someone who is under the influence or not be on the same level as someone when doing these things. A guy i was talking to said he didn’t wanna kiss me once because i was tipsy one night and said no matter what he wouldn’t even touch a girl if she had a drink and i completely understand that, but in my mind if i give consent then that’s okay. Is that wrong though? I don’t like how my automatic response wasn’t the same as his. I don’t want to take advantage of someone or anything ever so i searched it up and people were saying that you can’t give consent when inebriated so now i feel like a terrible person. I feel even worse because when i was thinking of scenarios it felt like i was a little turned on and i feel wrong because what if i felt that way because i enjoyed the thought of taking advantage of someone and but i just don’t want to be the type of person that would do that to someone or think it’s okay. This may be tmi but i imagined giving a guy head and he was drunk but he enjoyed it and it turned me on but now i hate myself because that’s literally wrong. I’ve never even had sex before but i’m still worrying about this. Now i know i for sure wouldn’t engage in anything with someone under the influence but i feel like I don’t even know how i felt about this in the beginning, i feel like my mind automatically jumped to me being the worst. Like is kissing someone when one is drunk and the other isn’t wrong? I just want to avoid doing something wrong or taking advantage of someone at all costs but i’m stressed because what if my way of thinking thinks it’s okay to do those things. Like even if my mind is telling me it’s okay i will avoid and not even go near a drunk guy or try anything but i don’t like that I thought that was okay or that my body responded that way when thinking about it. I hate this. I don’t want this to be me but what if it is. Like why do i feel a sense of arousal or a groinal response when i think about it? is it because it’s of a sexual nature? is it misattribution of arousal? Or am i just actually the worst person on earth? I hope it’s everything but the last, but it seems like that’s the truth. Like this is making me want to refrain from engaging in anything sexual with anyone because i just feel wrong as a person now and that no matter what i’ll be taking advantage of them because of my thoughts.