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This started when I was 18 when a lady I was seeing made a comment to me about that I reminded her of her ex who she believed was bisexual but all she meant was my humour and personality but then I went did she mean I was gay and that when I started going does she think and I am gay and then started going crazy texting her everyday, calling her asking what she meant by that comment and then I just spiralled out of control. We were very highly sexual together but I was constantly asking her if I was gay, I just spent hours and hours online speaking with forums. I became that bad I would pray and pray not to wake up because I couldn’t take the pain of waking up everyday thinking all these things. I then became a recluse for 2 years and was googling, looking at finger length ratios, how do people know they are Gay, started kissing walls, bending over, role playing in my head sexual acts. Photocopying my hands and measuring my finger length, looking at suppression, internalised homophobia, I saw articles saying HoCD is just denial. I was a complete nightmare I made up lies saying I have kissed a man and my OCD was just denial. I started blaming everyone around me for what was going on saying that this his just denial and I have been lied to about having OCD I then started looking at mens genitals 3 times, felt I needed to look 3 times. I had her use a dildo on me but then didn’t like it so then said she must of done it wrong so tried it again. I use to avoid friends as aniexty was high so just use to work all the time. I went to Portugal when I was 18 and had huge panic attack and started to put my fingers up my bum to test. (Sorry for graphic details) I became better after went to CBT but would always see men and get nervous round them. Got with my current girlfriend when I was 22 told her all about this as she could see I was struggling and she was upset didn’t know what to do. We had a very healthy sexual relationship and would do all sorts with her and then 12 months ago we moved in and hit the worse part of my life I was saying I know I am gay, I couldn’t get out of bed, I went 4 days without any sleep, work signed me off and all I did was tell her what thoughts I was getting, saying I think I know I am gay and don’t want to be gay. I was telling her what I was thinking of in graphic detail,telling her that I have lied to her I have been led on a path. I grew up chasing girls, going to parties wanting to do stuff with girls. I was always conscious of me penis size so would catch myself look at other mens genitals to compare. I remember a friend of mine having a really big penis and would no constantly looking at his crotch was there signs then when I was like 14/15. I have literally spent hours looking at gay porn watching kissing, trying to taste a kiss, I am round my friend sometimes and when they are close up I have this urge to go in for a kiss. Over Christmas I was with my family and was thinking of kissing my dad, brother and uncle. Last week I moved back home and my aniexty was through the roof, sweating, clams palms, couldn’t let sleep but feel last week I went sod it I am gay and then suddenly I have felt relaxed ever since. Is this me accepting I am Gay I feel I have always been scared to go out and try it in case I like it, isn’t that denial. Thanks for listening

I have continuous thoughts of insecurity. I am from India and people here think mental illness is a stigma. So there is no-one to help. My thoughts are generally about me facing situation which will bring disgrace to me Thought of sharing this with the community

I’m not trying to be mean or anything just genuinely curious for those who have HOCD and are afraid they might be bisexual...couldn’t you just continue to live as a straight person I’m not sure where the fear comes from...being worried you might be gay makes sense because that would actually change your life but being bisexual doesn’t do anything. Sorry if I’m coming off as insensitive but can someone explain this

Since I was diagnosed with OCD about a year and a half ago I have experienced many different shades of OCD. Death was my first obsession. Then after that I struggled with harm OCD and now I am currently experiencing harm OCD/ hit and run OCD. Before my divorce when I just started experiencing hit and run OCD it got to the point where my wife had to drive us everywhere because I stopped driving due to my obsession of the thought that I might hit and run over a pedestrian. Since my divorce a year ago I have started driving again but I still struggle with my same obsessive thoughts regularly. There are times when I’m driving and I tell myself “This is the last day of my OCD and it’s compulsions.....” Then shortly after that I know I’m lying to myself because right then I will drive past a pedestrian on the sidewalk and have an obsessive image of myself turning the steering wheel and running over the person. The instant oncoming of anxiety that washes over me for just thinking such a thing is enough to FORCE me to look in the rear view mirror to seek reassurance for in an attempt to relieve the overwhelming anxiety I get from the spike/obsession. I always tell myself that if I just look back it will get rid of my obsession and anxiety.......but it’s all a lie...the compulsions never promise any ray of hope I have found out yet....it seems to be the only thing we have...Once I look back and give in to the compulsion and I actually see with my own eyes that the person on the sidewalk is walking along just fine I get a glimpse of anxiety relief.....but once I get about a mile away my next obsessive thought hits me....”What if the memory you have of seeing that person walking and being just fine was a false memory created by myself to cover the actual event in which I actually ran over that person.....” Then the rush of anxiety hits me again and then my compulsion comes in the form of mental reassurance in which I review the situation and assure myself with everything I can remember that everything was just fine”....this cycle is never ending....my OCD jumps from one medium to the next. I have even experienced Pure O symptoms where I’m watching a news program and see the news anchor speaking then I immediately have a mental image of harming that person. My anxiety then goes sky high and I then perform a mental compulsion that says to myself “You have been sitting on the couch the entire time....that news anchor is several states away....there’s no way that you could have harmed that person. They are to far away and you would have remembered traveling some 1500 to 2000 miles to there. Then by performing this mental ritual my anxiety comes back down....for now....then I think I must SEE this news anchor on tv again to insure that they are ok....but then sometimes the news then goes to another anchor or story and I never see that same anchor that night...then my anxiety spikes again because I have no way to extinguish my anxiety because I have to live with the uncertainty of not seeing that anchor because they went off air. The OCD takes over and over and over....I try to remember a time before OCD when I felt mentally whole...I long for the day that I can return to that healthy and happy mental state....if anyone out there in this community can relate to my ongoing experience or have any advice I would be most grateful. I’m glad to be a part of this community. Thanks and

Lately I have been using gay porn as ERP. In the beginning i was filled with loads of anxiety cause I feared I could be getting aroused and might get an erection. However, once the anxiety went down it became clear I really wasn’t turned on by it and also it also slowly started to repulse me so I stopped cause I didn’t want to feel sick and at some point almost felt like crying cause the thoughts of doing those things really doesn’t fill me with any joy. Through ERP and acceptance it’s becoming more and more apparent I really don’t want to have sex with a man at least not at this present moment in my life lol. Although as I type this my mind bringing up different “what if” and “maybe” which is expected lmao. Just want any advice on where should I go from here? especially from people who are in recovery or have recovered. Was thinking of taking a break from the gay porn cause it’s not causing me so much anxiety that I can’t handle but when I expose myself a lil too much I start to get disgusted and I don’t like the sick feeling or do I still need to keep going to habituate? P.S the images and videos really messed up my sleep cause they kept popping up intrusively which was horrifying lol but oh well I’m sure they will fade eventually

I have unwanted, inappropriate disturbing thoughts that make me question myself as a person, and those thoughts make me feel doubtful. I am a Christian, and I feel my thoughts go against my faith. The thoughts are sometimes in an agressive or sexual nature. Other times, the thoughts have curse words. I also have unwanted thoughts about my sexuality. I'm straight, but those thoughts go against my heterosexuality. These thoughts sometimes cause me to fear going certain places, seeing certain people, hearing certain ideas, etc. I also fear germs too. I don't want to get sick, so I constantly wash my hands. This causes them to be raw, dry, and painful. I feel if I touch certian objects, the floor, doorknobs, refrigerator handle, etc., that my hands are contaminated from them. So I wash my hands constantly. I use paper towels to protect my hands from getting contaminated when I touch certain objects. I've had other symptoms over the years when I was younger. I had obsessive thoughts about curse words at 9. I started to obsess over germs at 10. I even started checking and repeating phrases and actions to make sure I did not forget, or do anything wrong. I also had unwanted thoughts about death. At 11 I started to have unwanted thoughts that were sexual and aggressive in nature. Thoughts about curse words also returned. These thoughts got worser in church because I didn't want to think about them at all. This lasted until I was 13. From 13 to 15 I started to have unwanted thoughts about my sexuality. I didn't want to become gay. I am straight but I feared still. I had fears of certain people, and school gave me anxiety. I was tormented mentally. Around my sophomore year of high school was when I started to feel less anxious about my sexuality. I think it was due to the fact that I started liking a boy in my class. Junior year was when my obsession about germs returned. I was 16 going on 17. I didn't want to get sick, so I started to wash my hands more compulsively. I feared picking up objects from the floor, touching doorknobs, touching lamp switches, touching the refrigerator handle, touching the floor, getting my hair on the floor, having certain objects touch my mouth, etc. I constantly disinfected my objects, especially when I got home from school. I disinfected my hair a lot. I even disinfected my arms sometimes or my clothes because I felt they were contaminated. I also washed my lips with soap and water, and even put hand sanitizer on my lips to kill germs. This went on into my senior year. I am now 17 going on 18. I still have thoughts about germs, but I started doing less of those compulsions to stay clean. I still constantly wash my hands however. Also, unwanted thoughts about my sexuality are starting to bother me again. The thoughts are aggressive, inappropriate, blasphemous, and sometimes sexual. It makes me question myself as a person. It also causes ne to fear certain people, and ideas. I'm not sure about places now, but I'm hoping I don't fear certain places. I pray against those thoughts. I ask God to give me peace. The thoughts aren't as severe as they were when I was 14. However, I experience mental discomfort, doubt, and distress when having these thoughts. I've decided that I want help, so I can overcome these thoughts. I don't want to be fearfull anymore. Btw, I am a 17 year old teenage girl.

I’m 33 years old and had had a couple minor, yet negative, situational OCD instances in the past. Those instances were always a mystery to me. “Why did I do that? You know better than that.” Why I suddenly, after over 20 years of playing basketball, felt the need to clean and put in my contacts and tie my shoes multiple times until I thought they were perfect before every game was a mystery to me after the fact. There were other things I did following a traumatic night where I had gone to the emergency room with “emergency level low potassium” and it messed me up for quite some time. I was CONVINCED my pain to follow had to be something and wasn’t at all in my head. Even though those were incidents that triggered some OCD response, NOTHING has been near as bad or hindering to me as actually finding out WHAT those obsessive thoughts or compulsions were (OCD). When I searched the internet looking for answers bc my brain felt like it was going to explode due to attempted rationalization and excessive rumination, I found out that I had definitely had some OCD in the past. When I first found out, I was relieved. I FINALLY had something I could point to for why I thought and did the things I thought and did and it felt good. “I’m not crazy,” is what I thought. But, ever since then, I’ve been OCDing hard about having OCD. It’s been more of a pure OCD and just obsessive thoughts. I want to be a writer more than anything and I find myself thinking things like “how can you possibly be a good writer if you’ve wasted so many hours ruminating and obsessing over past mistakes or misfortunes? Writers need to live life and read and be attentive. You are constantly distracted by thoughts on your head, how can you be the best writer to ever live with that going on? It’s impossible.” I also read an article (no clue if it was legit but seemed to be) saying that people with OCD have worse working memory when it comes to shapes and pictures and no loss of memory when it comes to words (on page or verbal) and I want my memory to be perfectly clear for my writing. These thoughts hinder me in thinking I can’t be the best me I can be. Thinking I’m not as up to date in the world or as self-aware as others because I waste time ruminating instead of reading or writing or doing all the things I would normally be doing if I didn’t have the thoughts. I will say I’m lucky in the fact that most of the time I’m out or around people I’m able to shove it to the side and function properly without it really affecting my life in a big negative way. I guess I just feel like I can’t possibly be as good as I should in all facets of life due to my OCD and time wasted. I feel like I don’t deserve to be the best bc I have this coo coo part of my brain that won’t let me. Maybe the people around me know more and are better than me bc they live in each moment fully, even if alone. And I can’t do that, especially and mostly while I’m alone w my thoughts and not out amongst other people, in which I seem to be able to push it to the side for the most part. I do realize that these thoughts are ridiculous but I can’t help but think them and it’s tough bc I want to the confident, calm guy I’ve always been up to about a year ago but feel as if I can’t now bc I have OCD and the people around me know something I don’t and are more self-aware and don’t forget things. I want to be the best writer to ever live, but can’t possibly be that with these irrational thoughts. Does memory loss occur in people with OCD, or does it just seem that way because OCD people are always obsessing over or paying attention to irrational, ruminating thoughts going on in their head and that disguises itself as memory loss but you don’t actually forget anything, it’s just that you weren’t paying attention because you were stuck in your own thoughts at the time? Am I still capable of remembering everything from before realizing I had OCD and then OCDing hard over it for most of the time since then?

Hey guys looking for some help. I’m so sorry for the long post! Basically I’ve been eating myself alive with guilt and convinced I am a bad person and don’t deserve to be happy ? basically about 5 months ago my ex partner broke up with me. Some stuff had happened in her personal life her mother passed away suddenly and she had also just moved away for a new job - the plan was that I would move in a few months. I’ll be the first to admit prior to theses two events the relationship wasn’t perfect tiffs here and there but nothing major. I thought it was because of the distance to begin with during which time her mother died my partner then came back for a month during this time and understandably was not herself. After a month a bit she had returned to her new home and work. We were keeping up the long distance thing going over phone calls etc but it was hard. She returned for a night out for her bday which I got upset on after some drinks and her acting like she wasn’t really interested in me at all. I had felt like this for a while anyway and was having doubts about moving away. Anyway - about a week later once she had returned we got into an argument over the phone and she said she was sorry she just didn’t feel right anymore about things and was taking it out on me - due to the situation with her mum. She didn’t know how to feel about the relationship and that we would be better off apart - I attempted to salvage things over the phone and was devastated when she said she thought we should end it - she said various things about us not getting on anyway which I thought could be salvaged when I moved to where she was. However she said repeatedly over the phone it’s not going to work and threw in something from over a year ago when I had been drunk and said some things and acted like a dick. Wish I apologised deeply for but I had been upset in general at that time because of some things that she had said or acted when sober. She used this example in why she was breaking up with me. There have been instances where we both drank too much and have said things out of line however I just have this horrible guilt about what has happened each time we were drunk and feel now I don’t deserve to be happy because of my behaviour despite being supportive and willing to move everything for her. I am interested in someone else who I am so excited about and we just click! And I now fully recognise that me and my ex were not meant to be but how the hell do I shift the guilt and allow myself to feel a happy with this other person without thinking about past things said and done? Any help?

I feel stuck on the exercises. I only found out in december that my anxiety is OCD and I was put on a wait list. Obviously with coronavirus there are no appointments. I'm in the UKdoi can't do this therapy. I am trying to do the exercise but my obsessive thoughts dontdont6seem to fit in the categories. TW my main thoughts are these That I will die of a heart attack or my brain overloading That gravity will stop and I'll float into nothing That the world will stop spinning (ties into the above one) That my partner will cheat on me That if I walk/drive across a bridge it will collapse That something will switch in my brain like a misfire which will cause mmy body to do something that I deny want it to ie foot on accelerator at a red light, or my legs will run me of a bridge or train track etc That I will stop breathing or blackout whilst driving I feel like I spend most of my day on edge. I don't go out or have fun. It makes me cancel plans, it gets on the way of me being a mum and being a girlfriend

How do I not let myself get obsessed with the thought that my boyfriend will be attracted to other girls sometimes? I know it’s harmless when it’s just a thought in his head but It feels so hurtful and disloyal to me

Constantly struggle with the battle between saying ‘thoughts are just thoughts and OCD thoughts are ego-dystonic so you know they don’t represent who you are’ and the acceptance route of ‘it’s just a thought, maybe it means something, maybe it doesn’t me - in my mind I’m like ‘well if it maybe means something then how can it be ego dystonic?’ - I really need help getting my mindfulness together!

I'm just completely screwed. I tried to call the ocd institute and the lady didn't sound nice at all and the lady's schedule is full. I also tried to call back walmart for like the 100th time and they still wont answer me. I'm sick of trying and getting nothing I need fucking help badly and no one will.

It's not a feeling of being unsure. It's a feeling of being sure and being horrified about it. I don't think I have OCD.

So OCD and trying to challenge it is at the forefront of my mind but I think this is making it worse but if I dont try to challenge it then it's probably just going to maintain itself or get worse so what should I do?

I just saw a new therapist near me via video chat and he just told me that there’s a purpose to why I have all these thoughts and now I’m nervous gr8 :)

Ok everybody! Let's talk about dreams for a hot second! I notice a pattern of members posting about dreams that involve their OCD obsessions. The dreams trigger distress, which is followed by rumination and reassurance seeking to get temporary relief. I wonder if part of the issue is that our cultures often do a bad job of educating us about dreams in general. So, psychoeducation time! We often think that when we fall asleep, our brains "turn off". This couldn't be farther from the truth. Our brains are just as active when we are asleep as when we are awake. They are just active in a different way. We cycle through multiple phases of sleep every night. The cycle where we dream is called REM sleep. It stands for "rapid eye movement" because during this phase of sleep our eyes dart around under our eyelids as though we are watching something. Everyone dreams during rem sleep every night, some people just don't remember it in the morning. All mammals have rem sleep. You may have noticed your dog or cat twitching as they sleep, maybe making little running movements. that's them dreaming in their REM sleep. Unlike during the other phases of sleep, we are mostly paralyzed while we dream. in fact, in experiments where scientists damaged the part of cats brains that are responsible for the paralyzation, the cats wobbled around acting out pouncing and chasing in their sleep- presumably actually doing what they were dreaming about. We don't really know why we need it, but we know it's important. Anything you can think about while you're awake, you can dream about. In fact, dreams are often much less loosley tied to reality. It's like our imaginations have totally free rein. We do know that things we spend a lot of time thinking about when we are awake (like obsessions) show up more frequently in out dreams. That's not surprising. After all, the same neural pathways that are responsible for our obsessions during the day are still there at night. Dreams are not inherently meaningful, despite what dream dictionaries or fortune teller a might insist. There is no reason to out loads of effort into interpreting them. They are just something out brains do to stay healthy. Maybe with the exception of trauma nightmares. Does that information help? If you've got more questions, ask them in the comments and I'll do my best to find resources to answer them

Anyone in the UK experienced therapy on the NHS? What was your experience? It’s the only route I can feasibly take but I want to find someone experienced in treating OCD/more specifically pure O.

I’m sad and kind of scared to stop working with my therapist. I’ve been doing therapy through the app and my therapist is great. She’s super nice and understanding and I’ve enjoyed my sessions with her, as well as seen progress with doing ERP. Today was my 8th and final session but after talking with support we are able to have a couple more check in sessions. I just don’t feel ready to be on my own I guess, without a therapist to check in with and talk to when I’m dealing with something. I was so happy to work with not only a therapist but an OCD specialist. Whenever our sessions wrap up I don’t know if I’ll have to find another one, and from my previous research it’s a psychologist in the next town over, but that means starting over yet again with another therapist. I’d love to keep working with my own but I don’t know how long I am supposed to be with a therapist so am I supposed to start learning to let go now or what do I do?

Currently going through the process of how do I know I don’t like these thoughts if I can’t feel ? Ocd has made me question everything and feel nothing now ... currently going through ERP but I see so many posts about how it hasn’t helped them and I’m so scared I’ll never get my feelings back.

How did you come to realise that you have OCD? Did you find out through a therapist or did you discover it yourself? And what were your early signs of it?