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I can’t tell the difference between an intrusive thought and my own opinion anymore.

Have I said something wrong in terms of my post as it has been deleted. Didn’t mean to

I’m trying so hard today not to seek reassuring, every time I have an intrusive thought, I tell myself “it’s not me, it’s ocd” - but ocd is very sneaky, it “tells” me “well this time is probably the time that you did do something” - but I’m gonna keep trying.

Before Hocd i masturbated to girls twerking. I didn’t want to do anything with the girl, it just turned me on often as Id imagine doing it for a boy. What if this makes me a lesbian?

Can someone with hocd talk?:(((

I feel so isolated This is a really long post but I just need to get it off my chest : Idk how long I’ve really had OCD but I know that it’s probably partially trauma based. This makes things really complicated and Idk how to cope. My current issue: I’ve dealt with compulsive masturbation for as long as I can remember, I would do it until I hurt myself or in the middle of class when I was a kid and all that stuff. I also picked up a pornography addiction at around 9 and began looking at pornography for hours a day . Over time this developed into a really complicated ritual that is so strong that I can’t seem to get rid of it. Now, my ritual takes anywhere from 1-3 hours to complete and includes cutting on my genitals and inserting sharp objects into myself. I eventually worked up the courage to tell my therapist and I ended up seeing a gyno who told me that I was in serious danger of giving myself a fistula between my bladder and my vagina Bc there was a huge gash. Obviously this scared the shit out of me but it didn’t stop me from continuing. Over the last couple of months even though I’ve been addressing it with my therapist and I’m even planning on speaking to a specialist for trauma this Wednesday the compulsion is getting worse. I count the cuts every time I do it and have specific rules and I’ve reached the point where I will make HUNDREDS of cuts each time on my genital region. The amount of self hatred I feel is so fucking overwhelming I feel so disgusting. I feel like I can’t stop myself and I just feel completely evil. Like there must be something deeply wrong with me for me to do this. And for so long. I feel like I must’ve been such a fucking predator for being obsessed with masturbation in fucking first grade. I keep throwing away my tools and trying to avoid this compulsion but I keep failing. Today I sorta did my ritual but then I just punched myself repeatedly instead of cutting. Crisis hotline don’t seem to help me and idk how I’m going to make it through this quarantine. Does anyone have anything even remotely similar to what I’m describing? I feel like a complete freak.

My dad keeps telling me enjoy the now. I say What if I'm gay or I'm gay and he says so what, why does that matter? I say it makes me feel like I have to do something about it right now like end my relationship (that I'm happy in). Then he says it's not important to do anything right now, there are important things you have to do today and they're enjoyable so do those. Logically this makes sense to me, but it's really hard. Really, really hard. Anyone have any coping mechanisms for people with Autism and OCD? I get overwhelmed very easily and it can get out of hand very quickly if I spend time focusing on my obsessions.

After finding out about Suicidal OCD, I thought that from this point onwards, that things would slowly start getting better. However, I feel like things are only getting worse. I am ruminating almost 24/7 with extreme anxiety and constantly crying. I’ve even started to suspect that what I’m going through isn’t suicidal OCD but rather a syndrome that is related to depression and suicide and comes from taking a specific pill called Finasteride that I had taken before. I feel like I am living in complete terror and that I don’t trust myself at all. It’s like I’m going to do it and I really need hospitalization before it’s too late. I can’t tell if what I’m experiencing is like the rest of the people here but I want to know if anyone else here is feeling traumatized, not being able to do ANYTHING all day and suffering so much from the pain, anxiety, and depression and feel this complete certainty that they’re going to do something to themselves. I truly think I’m going crazy and that I’m in an actual dangerous state. I do not move from my bed at all tbe entire day and I barely eat a single meal. Something is telling me that I want to die and that is causing me so much fear. I really think I need help before it’s too late because I’m quite sure this is not normal.

Long post ahead: I feel like I need to just get this off my chest, so here it goes: I had some really good days last week and thought I was finally coming out of this OCD slump. Then Saturday and Sunday were not so good days. I was starting to feel extremely stressed, which triggered my anxiety, which triggered my OCD, which triggered all my "what if" intrusive thoughts. For those of you that don't know, my main OCD theme is harm. It is aimed at my daughter, and I'm in constant fear. Anyway, last night, she was using the restroom and saw me walk by with one of her toys. She immediately started screaming at me that she wanted the toy. I turned around and screamed back at her. Ya'll...the terrified look on her face was absolutely earth shattering. I hurt her emotionally and probably mentally in that moment. I then grabbed her and laid in my bed with her, snuggling her while she cried. When her dad came and got her, I sobbed and cried so hard. I felt like a monster. I feel like I acted on my obsession. I hate that. I have also been wondering lately if I am starting to develop rocd towards her lately. I feel like there's a wedge being shoved in between us. Almost like I'm starting to resent her or something. The thing is, I love her more than anything. I would lay down my life for her without a second thought. I'm feeling like she deserves a better mother. Thanks for listening.

I’m not strong enough to do this :( I’m so worried that I won’t get through this and it will ruin my dreams of being a doctor and achieving everything I want to in life. What if my HOCD stops me from going to university and achieving the things I’ve set out to do:( I feel broken and like I will never be fixed?

Hello this is my first post but after a rough couple days I wanted to come on here. It’s been pretty difficult for me, I’ve had HOCD for 4 years and didn’t know what it was until recently. Finding out made things better and worse. Now all I can think is what if this is all denial and you really are attracted to women(I’m a woman by the way). Since finding out I’ve had less anxiety about it but that also makes me worry that I’ve accepted my thoughts as truth. Also for the first time ever I’ve had a sexual dream about a female. Well kinda. she had the body of a man but the face of a woman. I woke up very confused and distressed. The night before that I had a dream about a man and woman that also woke me up and gave me anxiety. Now I can’t stop thinking “I got more anxiety from the man and woman dream what if this means something” I’m just very confused and while I have less anxiety about it the thoughts won’t go away and I don’t feel relaxed.

I’m scared because even before HOCD I enjoyed looking at girls bodies. Does this make me lesbian or bisexual? I never imagined doing anything with a girl though.

I saw somewhere that pedos can experience grief over attraction to minors and that’s honestly so scary to me. I’m 16 and I’m terrified I’ll always be attracted to other 16 year olds when I’m older. I’m constantly comparing and checking and I know I shouldn’t be but I just feel so lost about this theme, and that isn’t even reassuring since pedos can feel that way too. What if I was born a pedo and am just now figuring it out? I can’t imagine living as one, I would kms before I did anything but of course even that doesn’t matter because what if I still had that attraction, even if I was a non offending pedo. Sorry for the rant, I’m just looking for support and to know I’m not alone.

Really struggling today. Can’t get to a therapist in my area till next week. Anyone wanna share any tips they use to get through this that don’t involve a therapist to hold me over until next week? Thanks in advance :)

It’s ironic not to care about your own life yet to be forced to care about every single thing you touch or think you touched. I used to wonder if I’d go to hell and I realize I’ve been in hell for the last 18 years. First it came as obsessive cleanliness and order. And then came the tapping, counting, breathing, gesturing, blinking, chanting. I escaped this prison only to fall into the pit of contamination. If I touch contamination (or imagine I touched it), I will get it on surfaces I touch in the future and contamination will spread around me forever. Contamination isn’t specifically biological but it can be. It’s beyond that. Living things can be killed but contamination can linger. Clorox Wipes, hand sanitizer and soap can kill the biological component but only rituals can kill the contamination. How stupid, I know, I think about it all the time. Three years of therapy and a decade of different medications. Therapy helped with coping mechanisms but I don’t think any of the four major SSRIs have done a single thing for my OCD. Coping exercises, techniques and anxiety management are becoming exhausting. I can workout for 6-8 hours per day but dealing with OCD can take far, far longer deep into the night and forever. I am just so tired, I always want to sleep to escape. Sleep is the greatest gift. Every moment of my day is spent “managing” my OCD. It’s like drowning most of the time, coming up for a breath of air, occasionally. I am surrounded by landmines and simply touching one could leave me damaged for weeks or months at a time. Weed occasionally helps with the anxiety and helps me forget my obsessions. Getting really drunk makes them disappear as well. A little psilocybin does wonders. But none of these things are sustainable nor things I do or can do consistently. I don’t believe drugs are the solution unless you think about things like ketamine and Ibogaine. Good luck being able to afford the “quick fix” at $1200 a dose with no guarantees. I know, without a doubt that I will never live a normal life. Even at best, my mind will be robbed by the illness. Letting go has such appeal when you think of 30-40 more years of continuous doubt, anxiety, rage, bewilderment, depression, depersonalization. And that’s just the OCD. I am on a medication soup for my bipolar 1 and ADHD as well. Sometimes I imagine a normal life, sometimes I take lots of benzos and drink alcohol to forget. I’d love to forget… I have only been OCD in my dreams 4-5 times in my life. If I could lucid dream, I’d sleep forever. Sometimes it gets better but I have to remind myself it will always get bad again. After much hard work and progress, it get bad again. I have lost so many things to my OCD and years of my life. I regret so many decisions and opportunities I had that OCD hindered. OCD wrecked my chance at normalcy in college. I had the intelligence and charisma. I just always flaked on people because I had to “clean” or “organize”. What meaning do those things have if they destroy your life and sacrifice your friendships? Who decides how much time you have left? You? Your loved ones? I can easily make my own decisions but when I have people I love, I can’t make these same decisions. How much do you sacrifice for someone you love? How much pain is worth it? How many years of pain are required to become normal? How should you live knowing you will likely never be normal even with the best treatment money could buy? Besides obligations to our loved ones, why should we want to live so terribly? If drugs and therapy don’t help, when do you hang up the phone if you even can? Why am I even typing this, I have a therapist?

I just scheduled an appointment for NOCD therapy. I’ve been in an on and off relationship that started with major problems. It ended several times but the last time we broke up, it’s been a year since and there’s no major complications. I’m literally so happy with him. But I’m scared that when I start therapy, my therapist will judge me for my actions, my partners.

What to do, when you feeling that you liked the thoughts? And even enjoy them? When I clearly don't want to

What are some ERP exercises I can do about meaning/worth/reality? For example these last couple of weeks I’ve been struggling with intrusive thoughts about if this life/what I’m experiencing is real, intrusive thoughts such as “this doesn’t mean anything” or “what’s the point” Etc when I’m just trying to live, etc. I feel like if I’m thinking about it and searching for an answer too much I’ll go into a panic :(

Hi all this is my first post. I have a very specific, unique, debilitating ocd. I feel I am in control of what happens to family members. I don’t care about myself dying but I am constantly redoing things in order for my family to stay alive. especially my mom. Right now I feel if I don’t rewatch something on the television and think a specific thing, then my mom and I can’t be close or “normal” with each other or she will die. How can I let go of this? I have been in therapy for years. I am almost 30 and finally am done giving in to every compulsion. But I’m terrified of the risk of living day to day and risking my mom dying because I didn’t rewatch something on tv. Please help if you can.

Anyone on Anafranil? I think that’s how you spell it. My doctor is reluctant to prescribe it and just keeps upping my lexapro.. thanks guys!!