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the NOCD Community

Hey so I’m an 18 year old college student I’ve had ocd for a long time but I never wanted to admit this aspect of it as part of it and I still don’t. That’s why I won’t say it cause I’ll just end up crying again. I don’t even want to post about it cause this would just make the problem real. I know I’m not sexually attracted to them but my mind wants to trick me and I end up getting confused on which is rlly me, like the other aspects of my ocd. It spiked ig when someone sent me a meme and it was fine but at the end of it it showed a child being shown in a sexual way which was suppose to I guess be funny but it wasn’t rlly funny to me at all and got uncomfortable and the pocd thoughts came in hard and I had such a bad panic attack and then I felt the need to go back and check to see what I was feeling and went to the video the next day after avoiding it to see which after reading the threads here is I guess a big no no? I know I’m not sexually attracted but my mind is playing these games and confuses me and I’m so scared to even talk to my therapist about it or ask people for help cause what if they think I’m a pedophile? Children genuinely make me happy and I have a motherly instinct to care for them but my mind turns it into something darker and I know I don’t think of these kids sexually but it’s like I have the power to?And that freaks me out so much and it won’t leave me alone I don’t know what to do I know I’m not one but my mind is tricking me and it’s freaking me out and if my mind says it could be what if other people think I am no one I trust will even understand idk what to do I just needed to put this somewhere to vent

Its like i can freaking feel myself turning gay

All i ever wanted was a man. Now i cant even feel attracted to one. I wanna feel the attraction deeply again i want it to warm me up again and i want it to show me how beautiful life is again. I want it to glow up my days and give my life reason again. I feel like the woman jn me is killed. I wouldve never thought this would have so much impact. That it would kill my hapiness and that it would make everything grey and dull. I cant see the good in anything like this. I want to be the woman who i was supposed to be and not the one who’s blooming got interrupted by this and now feels like a dead flower instead of a blooming one. I was on my way to becoming the woman i wanted to be and who i was. I felt deepy who i wanted to be in life but i cant feel that as long as hocd is in me.

This is about HOCD which is extremely traumatic for me. If you're not familiar with HOCD or ROCD please don't answer. I cut off all of my closest friends because of my hocd/rocd. I feel like I can't tolerate being around anyone anymore. It causes SO much panic. I hate it. My boyfriend is amazing and I'm constantly afraid that I'm cheating on him by having intrusive thoughts. I can tell my stress is starting to take a toll on him. If I see another guy I'm attracted to I feel like I'm cheating on him and the guilt lasts for days. I saw a guy I used to have a crush on at the store and he came up and talked to me and I started to think "what if I still like him" (I don't), but the panic was intense. I convinced myself that this was cheating. I confessed to my parents (one of my compulsions) which is extremely embarrassing. I've had compulsions to confess extremely private things to my parents. I hate it, but it relieves my anxiety for a little while. I know all if this is ridiculous, but I can't help it. A few days ago my boyfriend dropped me off at my building and and old co worker saw me and got out of his car and hugged me without my permission. I know my boyfriend saw it because he asked if I was ok afterwards and who the guy was (I live in a sketchy area so he was worried). I didn't ask this guy to hug me yet I cried and didn't sleep that night because I felt like I had cheated. If I see a girl literally any girl, even old women I start to think what if I'm attracted to her and that means I'm gay and I'm just an imposter leading my boyfriend on. I used to be so happy. I can't kiss my boyfriend anymore without fear of having intrusive thoughts like what if I think about a girl or another guy. It's less the actual thoughts now and more fear that I'm going to have the thoughts although they used to be very graphic. I find myself reading the same articles over and over again. I'm starting to create false memories mixed with real memories like "oh, I went to this female friends house a lot as a child I must have had a crush on them." I never used to think about it that way until this hell took over my life two months ago. I've never had any issues with lgbt people in the past so this makes me feel like a massive a-hole. I've been through days where I'm barely holding on. I'm no longer suicidal, but I went through a really rough period in the beginning of this bout of OCD (I struggled with other obsessions as a child) and now I ruminate about that and have intrusive thoughts about hurting myself which I would never ever do. They can be extremely graphic and have made me throw up. Mostly it's the thought of my loved ones finding me. Will this ever end? I don't remember how I got out of my obsessions as a kid, but I went years with only having minimal problems. I'm seeing a psychologist tomorrow and I'm afraid he's going to tell me something that will influence me negatively. I want to move on with my life like get a job, which I haven't been able to do, and move out of my house. I used to be very independent and confident, now I question everything. EVERYTHING.

I didn’t realise this before but I do now. I’ve been emotionally abusive to my boyfriend and I feel physically sick about it. I can’t forgive myself I just can’t. I’ve never felt this low.

I had to stay home from work today because even though I was exhausted I got 1 hour of sleep. I work 7 days a week between 2 jobs and I finally said today I need a mental day. I am lonelier than ever and have lost friends over the past few years or just lost touch. My best friend ever stopped speaking with me after a group tour of the UK a few years ago and now someone that was our mutual friend is best friends with her and brushes me off. I tried to reach out to my ex friend and make peace but no answer. She has many friends now and a boyfriend. I realize I had some drunk nights that make people not want to hang out with me but I was up last night feeling complete rejection to the fullest and horrible about myself. At rock bottom I have no one. On top of that I was just in a toxic relationship while living abroad and he turned out to be a chronic cheater and married with 2 kids. I have one friend who speaks to me from LA from time to time but as for here in New York I barely got anyone left and bad memories. I can’t be afraid of not going to sleep every night because of thoughts or depression. My period is due any day which doesn’t help. I was just crying so much last night. I’ve never felt so alone. I just feel like a horrible human being that no one wants to be around and I try to make it right.

I’m concerned about my mental health but trying my best to not go back on meds. I’ve gained over 60 pounds from my previous medication and experienced low libido on others as well. Both of these side effects have caused me both stress and anxiety. The added weight shot down my confidence and self esteem. Same with my low libido. My dating life has been terrible and I’m terrified that if I take meds again I won’t perform in the bedroom. Catch 22. Advice?

I have had pure-o for as long as I can remember, and am currently having what I can only describe as a melt down. My mind is telling me that I need to know certain facts about my girlfriends past, specifically who she gave a blowjob to and did she spit or swallow. This thought is making me feel like Im getting to the point of no hope. I know that this info doesnt have any benefits to me knowing, and me seperate from the ocd doesnt want to know or think about these type of things, but it wont stop. Ive had my sertraline/pregabalin upped but nothing has changed. Ive asked her lots of inappropriate questions about her past in an attempt to stop the other thoughts, and she is getting tired of it now. Its upsetting for her to remember and I dont want her to have to. I'm so lost, does anyone have any advice?

Can ocd make you feel paranoid and see things?

I’m hungry but don’t want to eat

Whenever I laugh or try and live in the moment my mind flashes back to the past or things bothering me and reminds me that I shouldn’t be happy because of x y z. It’s really so depressing. I am 26 and I feel triple my age from stress. Even though I want to relax I dread going home at the end of the day because I’m afraid of what else I’ll remember or what new obsession I’ll have. I keep comparing myself to others saying no one would do what I have done everyone is better than me.

This isn’t really OCD related, it’s just giving me some anxiety. It’s not that big a deal and there’s definitely bigger problems out there, but any advice would be appreciated (only if you’ve got time of course!). I’ve been looking at a lot of universities recently. It kind of inspires me to look at the top top top ones and aim to go there. But then I begin to wonder why... I would consider myself intelligent (I feel vain saying that!), but I know I’m being wayyyy too ambitious looking at the Ivy League and Oxbridge. And yet, something in me really really wants to knuckle down and do really well so that I can go to an amazing university. I feel motivated. I live in London. I like the idea of change though, so studying in America sounds appealing. Meeting new people, living somewhere knew, all of that. But then as I was thinking about it all, I suddenly wondered about the boys there. I thought ‘hmm it’d be cool to date an American boy! Plus he might like my accent’. And now I feel 1) narcissistic and 2) absolutely stupid. It just defeats the point. I’m being so naive and dumb. The second thing is, I then began to wonder if I only want to go to a top university to show off about it. And if I’m only going somewhere for the name, and not the actual quality of education, I don’t deserve to go there at all. I don’t like the fact that at times I wish to show off. I always chose to ACT very humble, but within me, I sometimes feel this sense of superiority. Which (of course) I hate. Because at the end of the day, the people that go to top universities DESERVE to. They go because they want to extend their learning. They’re worthy of it. But if I’m just going for stupid childish reasons, what’s the point? I’m clearly not smart enough if I’m thinking in that sense. Boys... showing off... it’s so stupid.

help :((. this is another thing i keep thinking about because of my hocd. so i’ve known a few people who were pretty obviously gay, but considered themselves straight for a long time. and then suddenly they woke up one day and were gay. so they were probably in denial for that long time. so now i wonder if i’ve been obviously gay my whole life and this is just me in denial. i’ve never liked girls or looked at them the same way as i do guys but now i can’t stop wondering so now whenever i see a pretty girl my brain says “omg are you attracted to her? do you like her?” and i don’t think i am cause it’s not the same as i am with guys but i’ve also lost attraction to guys bc of my hocd so this is all really freaking me out. idk what to do anymore.

does anyone know anything about dbt and if it can be useful for ocd? my counsellor referred me to a dbt skills group at my uni cuz i have trouble maintaining relationships and am overly emotional and i started it but dont know if it’s right for me/worried it may make me worse. im having trouble finding an affordable ocd specialist in my area that can do erp

I'm starting to believe that I might be attracted to my sister in laws son. I'm afraid that my fiance will leave me still. I don't like children. They don't turn me on. This is post three that I've made on this app. I've breaking down for three days now in fear that I will lose my fiance because of these thoughts. I don't know what to believe in anymore. He's my everything and I would never touch that boy. Or even want to have intercourse with him. But my Brian keeps telling me that I do. I'm scared

My dad said I should never have been born yesterday. He also wanted to kill himself because of my OCD. I feel heartbroken.

Real event ocd is one type I have. I’m in full relapse now after a traumatic break up, moving back home, and rebuilding my life with no friends around me. I’m thinking of all kinds of past things as far as 8 years ago haunting me. I think how could I have moved on from this event and lived normally not worrying that it will come back to haunt me? Does anyone go through periods where they have no ocd symptoms and then some stressful things happen and your ocd just relapses? I’m trying to figure out why things from years ago are randomly making me obsess. If it’s not one thing it’s another.

I have comorbid bipolar disorder and OCD. I can’t take SSRIs or SNRIs because they destabilize my bipolar disorder and act against the meds I’m taking for that. Does anyone have experience with non-serotonin-based medication for OCD that has worked for you?

I don’t want reassurance but need helping changing my thought patterns.i texted my buddy last night to get together to do something today and I haven’t heard from him all day today. My mind is running into various reasons as to why he didn’t text and they are all negative reasons. I automatically assume he doesn’t want to be burdened with hanging out with me or he found something better to do. I stress myself out wondering if I’m supposed to text him and ask again. Wtf

My parents threaten to kick me out all the time because of my severe OCD. Each time they do I come back worse with new compulsions. They say I'm crazy for my OCD thoughts which is like, duh, does not make them feel any less real. Sigh. So tired of this life. My dad said he wished I was never born (just now), that I'm killing them physically with my panic attacks (I can't help it) and he said I'm the reason they smoke. I feel guilty and just want to die at this point. He also said he'd hit me if I'd not stop crying. They almost seem to think I like doing my washing compulsions and I can't stand it anymore. I feel alone in the world, even when so many of you struggle too, the fact that my once loving family is falling apart and that I feel so lonely in their company... it is tearing me down. OCD on its own is enough. This is too much.