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the NOCD Community

Okay so I have been struggling with HOCD for so fucking long. I never felt like I had crushes on boys growing up but I wasn’t attracted to girls either (this was through 5th grade). Until 6th grade hit. I remember it like it was yesterday. I had the thought walking up the stairs and it was “You’re lesbian.” And ever since that thought was there and I fought it I have been dealing with all types of OCD ever since (been going on for 7 years). And only this year I found it was OCD. But it’s hard because I don’t know if I’m actually gay or I convinced myself I’m gay because I gave up and gave in. Now whenever I see I pretty girl I feel tingling. And I wanted to prove to myself that I wasn’t a lesbian so I look up pretty pictures of girls with their boobs out and I loved it. And I wanna make out with a girl so intensely. But then at the same I don’t wanna be in a relationship with a girl and I wanna marry a guy and I just desperately wanted to be like by a guy. But I get so horny whenever girls are in bikinis and stuff. But I have OCD and I’m so confused.

<(H-OCD)> Hey everyone. This was hard to write but we’re trying to help each other overcome these horrible phobias. So I’ve always had bad relationship with my father growing up. Where he used to beating me up so many times. I hated my life afterwards. These marks on my body and those harsh nasty words he said were running through my mind that i still remember from time to time. So I learned from a young age not to trust anyone. Even my own father!. So things never ended there. at school i would always get bullied or picked on for being the ‘nice guy’. i hated my life. In 2013 I suffered a huge panic attacks & anxiety from everyone. Oh..!and depression was knocking on my door. my only comfort zone were video games & pro wrestling. I remember how much i was ‘FORCED’ to stay at home and just play them. and wrestling was kinda that thing that i bonded with my brother growing up pretending to be undertaker & triple h. At the age of 12-13 every young boy is starting to notice things!. checking people & exploring his body!. Unfortunately i grew up in an extremely religious house. where I couldn’t even date until i turn 18. so being ‘Forced’ to stay home with my mom & 3 sister, i was afraid of watching straight/lesbian porn. because.... what if i did this or got some feelings or had some bad intentions towards my family. At 13, That’s when i discovered (GAY PORN) something new i can curiously explore & try. without feeling i could hurt or threat my family. I thought that was okay. I never knew it was gonna change my life. and I’d always be straight!. fast forward 6 years later today. i’ve been masturbating from (gay pornography) maybe several times a day... I hated my life. I HATED MY LIFE. I’m currently at college & have 0 friends. I’m always alone. I always blamed myself for all of this. I always pointed the fingers towards me being the bad guy. Until some magic happened few days ago I started an <(H-OCD)> therapy using (betterhelp) app (not advertising btw). At first i was skeptical and confused. i even asked for a refund on the 1st day. But after yesterday. I will never leave that app ever again. there was someone i could talk to who cared. Someone cared about me..! someone i can trust and tell what i’ve been through. It was truly big relief off my shoulders to tell someone everything happened to me. it was regenerative to feel like that. rejuvenating?. so what <(H-OCD)> means?. It’s that you’re afraid of being GAY or you are straight being afraid of being GAY or the opposite. and all the other sexual orientation!!!. it’s through your experiences and moments in life where you felt vulnerable to homophobic experiences & situations but in reality you ‘HATE’ to have to deal with it. i never held any emotional attachments for any men. again i was masturbating on (GAY PORN) I never fantasized men. it was just something I did to get rid of my erection in the middle of the night. and again i never watched straight/lesbian porn because of being ‘FORCED’ to stay at home with 4 women. and my dad was abusive & hard on me. :( I remember how much this effected me in my daily life to this day.! To this day in 2019 they are still hunting me anytime, anyplace, anywhere. my first selfie i ever took was in 2017,i was scared to look at the front camera and say ‘i love my self’ ‘I’m beautiful’ i was 17 at the time. i still have no friends. never had any relationships. never kissed a girl in my life. I don’t post anything on my ig, twitter & even sc. I always speak sheepishly. It’s extremely scary to walk into a group of people who are all friends and being afraid of just saying (hello) back to anyone. but with all of what happened to me in life! I will always be strong, straight HAPPY. who had his reasons on why he did what he thought was not wrong at the time. i’ve also started a new challenge!. No fab challenge 1-no masturbation 2-no GAY pornography again EVER... 3-fantasizing women ‘MORE’ 4-acting normal & manly. ‘MORE’ 5-live happy life & dream big. Reason i said ‘MORE’ because if you felt like you’re forcing your self to fantasize women or act manly. That means your not into women. Don’t push yourself to something that will hurt you. I have a lot of things I want to do in life so many dreams & accomplishments I want in life but on the top that list!!! I want to get married and have (kids)! And I will do that one day. And i’m going to tell my kids one day.... ‘hey, don’t worry I am here with you I will always be here for you. don’t try to be something or someone you aren’t embrace what makes you different and be accepting of what makes others different. Because that’s how dreams become reality. Thank you guys....

Hey guys. I have a doubt (well thousands of them actually haha). Either way, I was wondering if anyone could help me with this: how should I feel about my intrusive thoughts? If I argue with them and reassure me I feel better about them (which doesn't last long), if I agree with them then it doesn't feel right, and I hate myself. I can't seem to find balance or a neutral position. Any tips?

Am I normal? I have thoughts about killing my friends, family, and strangers recently very often in a variety of ways and these intrusive thoughts are draining happiness from me.. I don't know this type of OCD but I'm certain it's a subset of OCD. I don't know what's happening to me. Someone please reach out to me. Its draining happiness from me every day. When I'm having a fun time with family one intrusive thought enters my mind out of the blue. It gets so bad and so violent that it physically made me sick. I'm not even kidding.

Feeling depressed and hopeless. I just don’t believe I can get any better. Please offer some encouragement if you have any.

The show Euphoria triggered off my OCD. It shows a girl going to a sugar daddy in a motel room and he had recordings of all his sugar babies. And another girl had a sex tape come out on pornhub. I tried a sugar daddy site once with a motel room and it was the worst more traumatizing thing. I also fear someone posting a sex tape of me. I had a strong urge to check the internet for myself. I caved and checked my name on porn hub but once I get relief I think of other things to search. It feels so real in my head that the worst case scenarios can happen to me. I get a rush of anxiety and it’s hard to calm down with my phone and google at my fingertips ready to check.

POCD TRIGGER Years ago I once read someone’s post on another website who had looked up child pornography because their intrusive thoughts were getting them so much that they just figured that they were that way inclined. And they said that they pleasured themselves to this and then felt horrible and sick and guilty. I felt sorry for this person as they were clearly suffering from OCD and were not a pedophile. For some reason, this has entered my head today as I already have the fear of police scanning what I write on here and coming for me with them getting the wrong idea of me. Then I think the police would of definitely have went for that person as seeing that on their search list on their computer ID etc. Then came the fear of ‘what if I have done that and searched for that’. But that’s something you would know if you had done I’m telling myself.

Anyone with hocd ever had the urge to kiss their female friends but then freak out? Like the hocd is making feel like id enjoy it. But i know deep down (even though the feeling is murky rn because of the hocd) that i want a husbamd/bf one day. It keeps bringing up the fact that when i was a kid id watch cartoons and see the female characters and think they were attractive. But never where i wanted to be with them ya know? This is really unhinging me. I just want to like guys again normally ?

Does anyone else avoid people of the same sex when their HOCD flares up??? I’ve always unfollowed girls on my instagram that I thought were attractive because I was scared of liking them / and I didn’t want to see them because it made me think I found them attractive and stuff. Is this normal or is it just me being scared of admitting i’m gay? HOCD is so frustrating and confusing sometimes. Am I just scared of my truth☹️?

Hi, I have only researched about ocd recently, I had heard about it before but forgotten after my obsessions had passed but they keep coming back, and I can't tell what's true or not. I haven't been diagnosed so I am not even sure it is ocd, though I relate often about a lot of what is being said on this app. I have been very anxious for the last 2 weeks and especially since I had a dream about someone telling me something that triggered even more my obsessions (they were there before I think but not so strong I think) and I keep checking my reactions (physical or mental) or doing "magical thinking", but when anxiety drecreases it kind of worries me too because I don't want my thoughts to be true. I keep doubting myself and my emotions because of this dream (words in dreams bother me much more than images) idk whats my point, I'm going to see my therapist tomorrow but I'm lost :(

Feel like I’m the only one in the world of OCD who feels the can’t control their actions/urges. Walking through to the living room whilst changing knowing people could possibly see me then I think I’ve flashed a kid etc etc etc. This is just one example. There’s a million more. I’m so exhausted, drained and lonely.

y'all ever had a compulsion stop working?

I WOULD BE FOREVER GRAFEFUL IF SOMEONE COULD SHET SOME RATIONALE HERE ❤️ (Sorry for all the posts I meet my therapist on Thursday am hopefully I won’t be so annoying then ?) I have multiple themes and one is POCD. One of my worries is about flashing kids through my windows etc. A few weeks ago it was pitch dark and I don’t yet have curtains on my kitchen window and I quickly checked if my time of the month had came just a quick peak but I obviously had to put them down a wee bit. Then at the cinema toilets I was using a cubicle which didn’t lock so I held it with my hand but I made a small step forward in front of this small gap from the door and then convinced myself I was a terrible person as I knew I shouldn’t of stepped forward. And now I was walking into the living room putting a jumper over my vest top (not wearing a bra) and I felt my boob fall out of my vest top and I yet continued to walk. This has just sparked all of these other things like I have mentioned. It’s hard because it’s like I tell myself not to do something and I do it. Like those examples

Do you think there could be a link between OCD (with its various themes) and some times of uncertainty in life ? Seems like it comes back after changing places, job, finishing studies... (just wondering if it could be our minds trying to deal with the anxiety caused by these types of events)

This is the first time ever i have had a same sex dream i mean i had tried fantasizing about same sex relationship just to check myself in the past but i don't think i ever had same sex dreams BUT the weird thing is after i woke up and tried remembering the dream, I liked the dream. I just liked it.. I don't know if i liked myself in that relationship and would want to experience myself in such relationship or just because the story was kind of sweet. And the fact that i liked is giving me a headache and i cannot stop thinking about it

I seriously have never thought about girls until now. It just never crossed my mind. I never liked or had feelings for a girl. And now that I’m constantly questioning everything and picturing everything. It just feels like I like it. It scares me, would I be happy with a girl ?? I don’t want to be with a girl but I feels like I do want this. It’s so confusing. I can’t tell whether this is actually ocd or I’m genuinely attracted to the same sex. I hate this so much !!! It’s like I just completely lost myself and questioned it so much I’ve just become lesbian but some things just don’t make sense. Why would I catch feelings for other boys? Never girls. I don’t know anymore. I’m happy with my boyfriend. Without these thoughts I’d be so good and so much more happy. Now I just don’t fucking know and this hurts so damn bad that I can’t just rest not one day. This is so damn stressful and hurtful to question your identity every single day. Sometimes I seriously just feel like I’m lesbian but I can’t seem to settle on that because I just can’t be. I want to just die. I hate what my mind is doing to me. I hate I have to go through these thoughts alone. I hate everything. I just want to crawl in a hole and never see anyone. I just want to hug my boyfriend and have my thoughts erased. I’ve thought too much and too deep I can’t stop. I’m crying from sadness because I don’t know what’s real anymore and I never in a million years thought this is something I’d have to deal with.

Really struggling to not think I’m a bad person. Part of me is rational, but I keep going back. I don’t know what to do. How to keep functioning like this.

How open are you all about your ocd? Do you ever tell anyone? Right now everyone at work thinks I’m perfectly happy and that everything in my world is great. When in reality everything is falling apart and I’m depressed. It’s so hard when someone makes a comment like “you’re so perfect” or “you’ve got your life so together” when they don’t know what you’re going through and what mental battles you have to fight literally every minute of every day. This is why I want to tell the people around me, but I’m also worried they won’t understand. Can anyone relate to this?

How do you guys deal with jealousy? I’m so unbearably jealous of this girl and I hate it. It’s such an ugly emotion.

I have work at 4am tomorrow and normally am asleep by 9 or 10 at the latest to be up by 2:30. But the thoughts are so bad I’m afraid of even closing my eyes and lately I’ve been going to bed at 6pm to fall asleep by midnight. I’m so over this. Any tips for falling asleep without getting bad thoughts. I keep picturing imperfect things or reliving every event that triggered me throughout the day. Last night I literally tried falling asleep without closing my eyes (which is impossible) then had to work today running on 3 hours of heavily interrupted sleep. I’m so exhausted and just over this.