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Sorry in advance for long this post is going to be but I need to get it out because I can’t stop crying and I don’t know if it’s triggering or not but I’m gonna put the warning just incase. I already know today is going to be the worst. I woke up multiple times in the night last night and even half-asleep my head was just constantly racing. I wasn’t even anxious I was just lying there wishing it would shut up. But the worst part of it is the lack of anxiety. It sounds so paradoxical but I WANT the anxiety and the panic because then I know something is wrong. At least if I’m anxious, I can do something to make me feel okay again. Anything is better than this weird, empty hollow feeling I have because no compulsion is going to help me. There’s no anxiety there to relieve it’s just complete nothingness. And I know I’ve said this before and everyone says it but that whole problem makes me think this can’t be OCD, there’s absolutely no way. As for the sexuality thoughts, I feel pretty much done. I am sick to death of thinking about sex and attraction all the time. I’m sick of it. I don’t want to see another man or another woman ever again right now. Saying this scares me because I read other SOOCD posts and nobody ever seems to say it but I’m going to say it now even though I’m at risk of someone telling me it’s not OCD - I have no interest in the opposite sex anymore. I just don’t. In fact the idea of boys petrifies me now and I don’t want to think about it anymore. I know I used to fantasise and have celebrity crushes (even though I literally can’t remember what it felt like anymore) but it doesn’t happen anymore. Even though literally yesterday I walked past a man who smelt nice and smiled to myself because I remembered how attractive a nice smell is for a man. I literally want to be alone for the rest of my life because of this. I want to be by myself forever now. I’m 20 years old and I literally feel broken beyond repair. Sorry to go on for so long but the last thing I feel is that I literally don’t know who I am. I don’t know if this is derealisation or depersonalisation, I don’t know but I don’t feel connected to my body, I feel like my voice isn’t mine, the person in the mirror isn’t me. I absolutely sob when I think of the fact that other people have their own perceptions of me. Because of this I cut myself off from everyone except my closest friends, removed all pictures from social media, unfollowed 90% of people and removed them from following me and I hate going outside simply for the fact that other people will see me and may think things about me. The way I see things now is that my home is my only safe place. I kind of want to delete all this because I feel so stupid and selfish and like everyone’s gonna roll their eyes but I’m just scared and just wanted to talk I suppose.

- Extremely low risk sexual encounter 7 years ago that was SO unlikely to transmit HIV. - The person was my boyfriend, we were 16-17, even more unlikely to have HIV. - 7 years with no symptoms. - 2 BioSURE HIV tests with negative results. - BioSURE has a 99.7% accuracy rate. - Negative results are 99.99% accurate and considered conclusive at 12 week post possible exposure. Yet here I am still terrified I have HIV. What the fuck?

people who have taken xanax/benzos/etc help!! maybe, just maybe for now, i’ll be getting a little while’s worth of anxiety medication (something that calms me down immediately) to get me started in school without a shit ton of panic attacks. now, the base of a lot of my fears and anxiety in this case is vomiting. im afraid of doinh it, feeling nauseated, and im also afraid that it’ll happen somewhere inconvenient (which is about anywhwre away from home at this point) now, i started erp exercises for this yesterday, and i wondered if erp exercises help and has lasting effects if you did it WHILE on anti anxiety medication like xanax, or if it just comes back to slap you in the face when you wean off the pills. anybody tried it? pls tell me how it worked out for you!

Does anyone else struggle to fully believe it’s OCD? I’ve read everything (blogs/websites/articles), watched the videos etc and everything pin points to this being OCD. (Everything sounds like me- almost textbook) But still my brain says ‘no, it’s not that, you’re just trying to convince yourself it is’ or ‘there’s nothing wrong with you, you’re just done with your relationship’. Suckkksss!

I'm so hopeless. I have no one to talk about this, so I come here to vent about everything that has been on my mind, haunting me daily. Since I was a little girl, I've dreamt about my prince charming. I grew up with this in mind, but I never got in a relationship, as I've kept my heart shut, as I've dealt with melancholy and social anxiety. People scared me, and I wanted to make things right (on the way I saw fit for myself). Things got better, I grew up, made some friends. And then, on January, hocd came and changed everything. The fact that I watch same sex porn, and that I have never been in a relationship messed me up so bad. And amongst many thoughts, many what ifs, so much uncertainty, one thing is rock solid. I don't see myself with a woman, it doesn't feel right. Even the idea of being bisexual feels foreign for me. I have nothing against people who are LGBT, but that's not who I've always seen myself. And suddenly, that's all I can think of. Nothing else matters, I feel uncaring and cold. I feel like I'll never find a guy that I love, that im just now finding out that I'm LGBT even if I don't want that. I feel awful, and everyday I think about dying. If this thought crossed my mind before, I'd be so appalled by it, but today I'm pretty serious about it. Hocd is killing me little by little, and I'm crying as I write this. My mind tells me I'm in denial, that I'm just afraid of people's reactions, and that once I accept it, I'll be alright. But I don't want that, I simply don't. My mind doesn't work properly, I can't remember how I used to think before all this, but I remember having dreams, imagining scenarios of my "prince charming", of a future that made me cozy and happy. All that's in my mind now is torturous doubt, that feels so real.

I’ve tried to tell my grandma how bad I feel, that I’m scared that I am a bad person and she tried to reassure me by telling me "as long as you don’t have thoughts about harming people then it’s okay" but I do have very bad intrusive graphic thoughts/images and since then I’ve been feeling even worse. I don’t know what to do, all I’ve been doing since our call is thinking even more about it, reading every pure o article ever written and feeling very anxious when I don’t have the same symptoms as a diagnosed person. I feel hopeless, my brain is literally trying to kill me. I know I’m not supposed to be reassured but I just needed to get that out because I can’t say anything to my family and friends, and it’s driving me insane. I’m so scared of my own mind.

So before I begin, I want to start by saying that I have never been formally diagnosed with OCD. I’ve had plenty other mental disorders, such as depression, anxiety, and ADHD. But I want to know if anyone has experienced something like this. So my problem is this, I’ll become very enthralled with something in my head that i find very rewarding and satisfying, a thought or a feeling, and I’ll fantasize about it, not be conscious about it for awhile, and everything’s good. Until, after some time has past I become incredibly aware of the fact I think these thoughts a lot, and the doubt starts to set in. For me, it’s usually like, “what if these positive feelings and thoughts go away” or “what if they arent all that great to begin with.” This realization triggers a drastic emotional response, one that can take days or weeks to get over, and I begin obsessing over the thoughts and feelings, trying to turn them into something positive again and feel them the way they were. At this point I’m extremely anxious and I respond to this be trying to completely my thoughts, emotions, actions, and words. I become obsessed and try to control my thoughts and feelings, trying to force every thought and feeling and not giving it a break. Each thought or feeling must meet the standard of the original positive thoughts when I wasn’t completely obsessed with them, and this can’t happen because they’re forced, and the forced thoughts harbor all the negative emotion associated with them obsession. So those are my current things I’m dealing with. Thank you for sähe

I started reflecting on everything I’ve been through and accomplished in the last 2 1/2 years. I felt stress since life is up and down but also really good in this moment and realized wow i don’t even remember the last time i had intrusive thoughts, anxiety or uncomfortable gut reactions. Of course the next few days i could feel it creeping back into my mind and body and i’m fixating on “what if i would be happier with someone else?” “I should leave”, “maybe i will leave.” Then come the images of me splitting with my husband to be with some other guy i’m friends with and whom has a girlfriend and i’m married. I have gotten to the point where i have excepted my OCD it runs in the fanily and ive had it since i was very young and belive it was induced by my childhood tramas. I am feeling guilty now, i know love is a choice my husbnad abd i are going on 3 years at the end of the month and we have our highs and lows but never anything bad. I am just feeling gross inside and know i need to go to counseling but i just had a counselor steal money from me and i’m dreading finding a new one. I am okay but these feelings of what if with another person are frightening me sometimes when i’m around this person i have thoughts like “I think he likes me” and then i get nervous. I honestly think he may like me in some way we have a lot in common and he likes to talk to me but the whole ROCD, magical thinking, or maybe this is really happening is really bothering me. I’m not looking for reassurance or help I just needed to vent, but if anyone else is in the same boat or have experienced anything like this feel free to share. Thanks.

I want to cry. I want to die so bad, this isn't worth it at all. I have hocd, but I don't even know at this point. Maybe I am bi or lesbian. Maybe that's what my mind has been trying to make me accept for the past 8 months. Maybe I'll simply never be happy, because that's not who I want to be. It never was. Maybe this is just denial, and internalized homophobia. I'm just so, so tired of this.

Hey everyone, I’ve already asked this previously but no one answered so I’m giving this another shot! I think I may suffer from ocd but I’m scared to reach out for help for various reasons. This is a question for people suffering from pure O, do you have to tell your therapist what your intrusive thoughts/images are? I am really scared of my intrusive thoughts and I can’t say anything for now but I really need help.

I have really bad HIV OCD. I had a really low risk "hiv exposure" when I was a kid (16 or 17) with my high school boyfriend. This was 7 years ago and I've taken 2 BioSURE HIV tests since then and both were negative, but I just cannot accept it. Anytime anyone I know gets ill I think it's because I've passed on hiv to them somehow, and it's worse with my brother as we used to rough and tumble all the time as kids/teens. I'm back in that place where everything feels dark and I'm riddled with guilt and anxiety.

Religious and sleep OCD! My ocd is being an absolute anus. I feel like shit and I can't sleep at all. I've tossed and turned, I haven't slept in god knows how long :(. And my lovely friend is staying over for a long time cause she's got nowhere else bless her, and I'm worried that I won't sleep the whole time she is here, cause we will be sharing my bed and I can't sleep much if at all with people in my bed.. She stayed yesterday night, and I don't think I slept, and tonight I didn't sleep, and she's due back soon. I'm just stressed with my anxiety bad at the moment. I really love her company she's lovely, but I'm so ocd and asbergers. Also another thing, I know it's stupid because I don't believe it about other lgbt plus people, but I feel like because I'm bisexual, that God hates strictly me, and that I'll be going to hell. And I keep thinking about a thing I told my friend, I got so drunk and I told my friend that my mum said she'd disown god if he wouldn't let him in. And she never even said that I just said it because I wanted to make him know he's loved a lot by mum. I said that I bent the words a lot cause he said you can't just say that because if she said that that means a hell of a lot to me. So I've been thinking about that lie I made over and over again for weeks it's on my mind. I feel so bad, feel like I'm going to hell guys.

I can’t forgive myself Im my past i had sex with my gender .. many many times and i felt no guilt about it ! One day i had sex in the church itself and i felt no guilt about it.. once i was sleeping with my aunt and I think sexually about her an i wanted that not an intrusive thing and I didn’t feel bad about it .. I stopped all of that... my best friend’s died and he was the most beautiful person anyone could imagine or have ..he make miracles now and i felt numb and not sad for his death ..I didn’t feel that i missed him or want to see him

This is ridiculous, now I feel like I’m truly questioning my sexuality. I’m 15. Never had a crush on a girl, don’t think I have. Touched myself to lesbian porn mostly, turned on by sexual images of women but still I never questioned what I felt for boys. I knew I would crush on them, I knew they were feelings. If anything maybe I could be bisexual. But still that doesn’t seem right. I’m just completely lost. Maybe I’m just thinking to much. It shouldn’t be this hard right? I read bisexual people immediately knew. Most of them I think, they realized all their crushes and Fantasies they wanted in real life. I never fantasized about a women, or any girl. I remember crushing on a senior once, I felt excited to see him at school. And fantasized about him. And with my Boyfriend he was just so innocent, and cute and sweet, and when we do sexual stuff I like it. I get uhm .. wet. Sorryyy. I recently got advice to look out for any girl crushes. And I’m really scared about that now. Maybe I can crush on a girl and maybe I can’t. I don’t know anymore. I feel completely unsure of everything. Im not sure if I’m straight or not. I recently started to take quizzes again. I either got straight or bisexual. And idk can anyone give advice? Thanks for reading through all of this if you did.

My therapist triggered me Bc she was like “how do u know ur doubts aren’t just doubts and u don’t love him” and I was like no I do love him Ik I do I love being with him and never can get enough of him and I miss him and a part of me knows that and she goes “Ik u like him I was just wondering”

❗️ I don‘t know what is true anymore. Some say sexuality fluid and some say sexuality isn’t fluid. I googled it and some studies believe that. That triggered my HOCD. I also read that „Sexual Fluidity“ is actually also an orientation. I‘m really irritated, there are so much names and orientations, so much other opinion. If sexuality is really fluid I don‘t know what to do anymore.

Anyone here taking quietapin /seraquil. Been prescribed it by my psychiatrist and feeling a little worried about taking it I know its a strong drug. Hoping it will help me sleep though ?

It keeps coming back, I start to feel better than something triggers me again and I’m back to first base. They responses I feel when I see girls is confusing me. Did I not feel those with guys? I don’t want to date girls, god please stop my suffering want it to stop. I need to feel better I want to feel better. I know I can do it I just don’t know how to stop doing this to myself. I feel better than I trigger myself again. It’s so tiring :(

"Excoriation disorder is an obsessive-compulsive spectrum mental disorder that is characterized by the repeated urge or impulse to pick at one's own skin to the extent that either psychological or physical damage is caused." This quote is not my words but it explains my OCD best . Anyone else who is diagnosed with this? And how do you deal with it? Currently I am obsessed with picking my scalp and I can't stop. If I don't do it, I keep thinking about it. A few years back I was so obsessed and driven, I cut off some of my beauty spots with scissors. I pull the skin off my nails and it bleeds. I can't control this. I am in the beginning of therapy but don't have a lot of sessions because my psychologist is very good but very busy. How do I deal with this for now, I can't stop.

I know that when people say accept an intrusive thought when it comes but my thoughts are constant. They’re always there all the time and I don’t know how to ‘accept’ my mindset when it’s constant. I’m struggling to word this. I’m literally trying to figure it out every single minute of the day (I know that sounds exaggerated but it’s true). So do I go through my day like ‘okay yes maybe it’s true maybe it’s not’ all day long? I’ve only had this app for a few days and I haven’t used the plan feature yet because I’m scared and also because I don’t really know what to put in it.