Welcome to
the NOCD Community

Can we please talk about the emotional or thought contamination ocd. I would be so grateful for other people's experience.

Hi, I have been bothered by a recent event at my work. I sent an email to my company's HR which they said they would forward to the retail leader. I have been ruminating so much and trying to stop, but it is just too hard. It is long but here is the email I sent: "Hello, I am a cashier at (a retail drugstore). I am not sure this is the right person to email but I will let you know anyway. I wanted to ask you about a situation involving a rude customer I had. She came to the register with cereal and said the price was different on the shelf than what was ringing up. I went to check the shelf but could not find the tag for the cereal, but I couldn’t find it. I went all the way to the cereal aisle to check for her. Then, I called over the manager and he checked the price with a scanner and the price ringing up was correct. The lady said in an irritated tone that “could you just give it to me anyway?” for the price she thought it was. Then, we needed an approval for the price modify, and I told her my manager has to approve it. She said thank you to him. She was complaining about something, and I told her “we’re short staffed and there are only two of us”. She didn’t like that and I told her “then why don’t you apply here” to which she said “excuse me” or something like that. I didn’t mean it in a rude way, we really need the staff and I felt she was not understanding our situation and was being rude. If she thinks there are not enough people then she should apply and help us or see what it is like! I felt like she should see how it is for us before she says something. She was older and later maybe I thought I shouldn’t say that to an older person, but then again we do have older staff at our store. I have no disrespect for the elderly, by the way. Then, I accidentally forgot to ring up her wine and she thought I rung it up, and I tried to explain to her by showing her the receipt that I didn’t ring it up. She also complained about the tags not being right. Putting the tags is not even my job. I really felt she was being too rude to me and I stood up for myself and said, “you don’t have to be so rude”. I have hardly told customers that. She said you are never supposed to tell customers that and I could get in trouble for it and that she wasn’t being rude, and I told her “you have no right to disrespect us”. I might have told her you are being rude, after she said she wasn’t, honestly I can’t remember. She said “you should not be working here” and I told her “I should be working here” and she said “okay “. I also told her she “can shop somewhere else”. Later, she told me she thought I had already rung up her wine and maybe mentioned the cereal issue again and I told her, it happens. I don’t know if she was trying to apologize, but the incident nearly made me cry. My voice was breaking talking to customers for some time after. I feel that customers have no right to be so rude to us. She didn’t swear it anything, but I felt she was excessively rude. I have never had anyone in the nearly year and a half I have worked for this company tell me I shouldn’t deserve to have my job. I don’t mean to boast or anything, but I feel like I have done an excellent job and have gotten many positive comments from both customers and employees. People have even said I should get a raise. I have had one supervisor tell me I am one of the best employees they’ve ever seen. I have told a few other customers to not be so rude, and they were not so nasty back. That lady hurt my feelings. I don’t feel I did anything wrong. I got the supervisor to modify the cereal price, I bagged her stuff for her, rang up her items and accidentally forgot to ring up her wine. I said hello to her when she came to the register. I can’t think of what I did to her for her to be so rude. I want to know, did I handle this properly? I have been told by past supervisors that customers don’t have the right to treat us wrong. If I didn’t handle this right, then how can we deal with these kind of people? I know people complain about wrong prices and other things, and that’s fine, but this lady was just too much for me to not defend myself. I think she was just too much to just say “sorry” to. But why should I apologize if I didn’t even do anything wrong? She should apologize to me for having such a nasty attitude for nothing! Other people don’t act like that, even if we mess up. I felt like considering quitting because of this. I told my supervisor about it as well afterwards and he heard some of the things I said. He didn’t tell me that I did something wrong. With OCD, it feels even harder to deal with. I am so proud of myself for the hard work and dedication I have put into this job. Any feedback would be greatly appreciated. Thank you...Hello, I forgot to add that the lady said something was “terrible”, I can’t remember what. I think things like this could be avoided if we had more than just two people in the evening. Other places have more and even our store used to have more. Maybe more people could have helped. Thank you". I don't know if you have worked in retail before but if you did, did I screw up? I don't mean this as reassurance in an OCD way, I just really want to make sure. Thank you so much.

I was inappropriately touched by a few people close to me. All fairly young as well. I can’t help but think some of it was my fault. I also repeated these actions to other kids my age and traumatized them too. I feel so so guilty and awful. It makes me hate myself so much.

I read on Quora that HOCD is not real, it was written by someone who thought he had HOCD but said it was only self hatred and homophobia. He told about how scared he was, that he spend several nights wanting to scream because he was so scared of the thoughts, and he realized he was just deep in the closet and really was gay. I just realized that I don’t want to live anymore, I was already triggered by my own thoughts from the past, maybe false memories but maybe I liked them. and felt like everything I have struggled with and the self hatred I have dealt with all my life is because I am in denial, and that would make perfect sense tbh, because I don’t understand why I have struggled so much in my life. It must be because of denial, and suddenly it feels like something clicked and I am so scared that this is real. Also I have struggled with this for 5 years. I don’t want to be in this life anymore. I just have to say I’m sorry to mum and dad.

Feels like “what if I’m not suffering enough to have OCD” which makes me feel terrible because my anxiety has slowed down after finding out what OCD was and that’s why I’m having these thoughts.

New thought just creeped in: as I used to watch same sex porn, am I afraid of what this means (being gay) or am I just denying that I liked it? It seems like it's the same thing, but what if I, deep down, know I like it and am just denying it? Maybe this isnt even OCD. And my so-ocd latches on to this, to sexual attraction so much, bc it's not something we choose. But I want to be attracted to men. I've always liked men. I don't want to be with a woman. I'm so done with this, it brings me so much suffering. Please be mindful if you respond to this. I'm already feeling so bad..

I’ve taken a test for ADHD and I answered “very often” for nearly every question. I know I have OCD but every question was about things that have been a problem for a very long time. Is there anyone on here that has both illnesses that could have a chat with me please?

Is this ocd I can’t sit on toilets I have to always put toilet paper around the seat to use the restroom even in my own house because I get grossed out

I’ve had a lifetime of battling ocd, and every time I squash one thought another one starts again. Right now, I’m dealing with thought about trying to solve my ocd, if that makes sense. Like I’m over thinking avoidance v. Taking care of myself, constantly worried if I’m doing the right things or not to get better. Like im trying too hard to make sure im doing the right things.. but in that im sooooo lost, because I need to change/ focus on how I think to get better.. but I can’t overthink it? I need someone to tell me what to do. Im sorry if this makes no sense i feel like a malfunctioning computer

I always think too deep about my relationship causing me to drain myself. I also get so many negative thoughts and i start living in the hurt that my partner causes once in a while. So this one time I was dming my partner and she started replying slow. And i got worried so i asked "is everything alright, ur replies seem slow". she said "im talking to roxy". Now my brain said "Does she like talking to roxy more that she got carried away". And i was obviously sad that she got carried away... but at the same time i felt like she didnt even do anything wrong. well partially. Because my brain says, being carried away from a convo is sometimes okay and sometimes not okay. but it makes me sad... but but dies. idk if to follow emotions or to follow whats right or wrong. shes supposed to prioritise me and give me the most attention right... but but is she supposed to... but but we can just negotiate between our likes and dislikes righttt. BUT OMGGG. WHAT IF SHES BURDNEDED BY ME CRI CRI CRI. dies again. Okay i sometimes end up doing compulsions too. So, i'll share another discussion i had with her. Well later on i deleted the texts when i realized it was a compulsion ☠️☠️☠️. Here, "okay let me open up a little bit. i was always an "i'll do anything" for u. but, i felt like u didnt love me the same way. whenever i asked u something, and it involved someone else being sad or smth, or listening to someone else, u never listened to me. Even when i used phrases like "i unmatch with lia and ratty to make u happy, and u wont even do that". when i wanted to match with u in ur conor phase and u said no to me a billion times feeling no remorse for me in the server it obviously made me sad. U should see how eagerly i wanted to match and how much u made me beg. was it so fucking hard to unmatch with him. he probably even told u in dms, "u can unmatch whenever u want" actually he even told in the server that u can match with me. Even before rai scolded me lmao. u never wanted to do the bare minimum for me. "i wanted to be grateful for his nitro". lmfao ok, i was worth nitro. Actually if nitro causes u to be distant from me, if nitro causes u to say no to me a billion times feeling no remorse, i barely have hope for anything else. i always felt unimportant. U know what, it was my fault. i didnt give u nitro. Even when eminem wanted to match with u and i said "Unmatch with him and match with me" and that was when we were already in a relationship, u still didnt listen to me. it always stabs me. i always felt like i wasnt loved enough. idk abt now tho, ur actions speak so less. even the matching with nancy thing. i never said no to u for anything. i could do anything to make u happy. but i just got used to hearing no from u actually. "leave conor man", funny enough i even gave reasons for that. Who told u to take it lightly when i said "He gives me the i'll steal sora" attitude. And, i was even right. He did like u. "I'll eliminate anyone whos rude to u, conor is rly rude to me. how come u dont even feel the slightest bit of anger towards him". u didnt wanna listen to me then too. and i feel like ur still the same, i just cant trust u somehow. actually, how do u expect me to do so. u already broke it way too many times. i always feel like u wouldnt wanna do the bare minimum for me. I have came to a point where i hesitate to ask something from u more than anybody. prioritise me like some other random person and listen to them the same as me and give them privileges of distributes the same as me which is just so utterly bizarre. Did u not have the basic sense of how to treat ur precious one. actually, almost as if u took the privileges and love i gave u for granted. thats why such phrases like "i would do it for u, why wouldn't u do it for me" worked on u. Actually, ask urself. what if i did the same to u... Sora, am i a burden. because, i demand a lot of love jdqkdjxjwkdbcjdkdb. idkdkdkdk. but, if u ever feel like im a burden, u can always tell. yes it does upset and hurts me when u didnt wanna do the same i would have done for u, but. idrc anymore... i just have more expectations from u than others. but i also keep on feeling like a burden. i fear i expect too much i fear im taking ur rights away i keep questioning myself if i even should expect "sacrifice" from u idk but i just sjsnbfkmxbnewjxknxj its like whatever affection i show i have the urge to ask the same from u. but when i don't get it back i become sad dhwkxbhdjsbd IDKDIDKDIDK. SHOULD I BE SAD??? IDKKK. IT DOESNT EVEN MATTER IF IN HURT OR NOT I JUST DON'T WANNA BURDEN U WITH ANYTHING OR PREVENT U FROM DOING SOMETHING THAT IS COMPLETELY FINE. REMEMBER WHEN MAS USED TO GET ANGY FOR STUPID REASONS. I DONT WANNA BE HER CRI. I wanna stay upon the truth and do whats right, but a part of me wants to be happy too. I wanna do more sacrifices for u, but a part of me expects the same from u. Not even through actions, but only by verbalisation which makes me wanna do so much more for u fjwksbxjamdbbd. i have no right to say anything if u say no to me for something right? especially if i show the affection myself. BUT IDKKK. I just want a lot of love meow. dhsjwbwjsn im sorry... i feel like a burden more now. Heres the thing "i would do it for u, why wouldn't u do the same for me" maybe the same thing is harder to u. OMG IM GONNA DIE. oh..... ocd again. paiiiiiiiiiiiin. but but. i dont think i became sad particularly because u said no to me. but the reasons u gave me to say no to me seemed flimsy or smth cri. thats why the thought "bro i could do that much for u" came cri cri cri. i think its me and not u...idkdkdkdkd. like tf is wrong if u say no to me. i can't even tell whats right or wrong, like nothing's absolute black and white. it seems like we have to follow our emotions in negotiations. but but what if i become a burden cjwodnjdjefbfine dies. i feel like i imposed something on u by making u that prioritize me over other friends thing. but what if u didnt wanna do it, then i would have been hurt. but but, that means i wouldnt be doing the sacrifice part myself hxjwbxudkenfjfkdnf. dies again. neither can i define right or wrong, nor can i define negotiation or even what to expect from u and what not to. dies" Nahhh, everything seems bizarre ☠️☠️☠️☠️☠️. I dont bring up past unless it has a connection with the present btw... i realized how my ocd tricks my brain to think that the past matters. BUT YEA IDK WHAT IM GOING THROUGH MYSELF CRI CRI CRI. WHAT KINDA USELESS THOUGHTS. I DONT WANNA BOTHER MY GF TOO I LOVE HER SM BUT I THINK IM DOING SMTH SO WRONG OR THINKING EVERYTHING THE WRONG WAY YO CRI CRI CRI. but after the long session of rumination. I realized, it gave me nothing... but, doesnt it affect my actions... what should i do what i shouldnt. dies out of confusion

I fell in love with a guy I was in a situationship with, he lied to my face over and over again, then left me for his female best friend. I unfollowed him but forgot I followed his private account. Now when we were seeing each other he never used this account, now all of a sudden he’s liking my posts and posting on there all the time. I’ve just seen a post and he’s with her still, I’m not completely over the situation and still have some feeling for him even though I don’t want them. I still wish one day I could tell him how much he hurt me, I want to message and say like I hope you know how much you’ve hurt me. It’s annoying because she looks similar to me so it makes me think I’m just the second choice out of me and me. He keeps popping back up into me life and I don’t know what to do about it. I want him to see how good my life is without him, but if anything I’m depressed and anxious. He’s out having the best time of his life and I’m here, no boy, nobody wanting me. I feel so sad because it was the first time I felt love and it’s sitting on my brain so much all the time in fact. I just want to cry

i’m having a big rocd moment and i want to confess so last night i was m*sturbating and i was mostly just imagining stuff, everything was okay, but when i was close to reaching the peak i opened a video and it happened to be a russian video. there was a girl and a guy and when i was already super close i imagined a russian person i know in the place of the guy in the video and it helped me come. i’m not super attracted to that person and i do not intend to sleep with him (even though at some point in my life i did) but i mostly just liked his voice and this harsh russian aesthetic. now i feel guilty and as if i betrayed my boyfriend because i thought of someone else while pleasuring myself. i feel the need to confess but i can’t judge if it is something major or not. i honestly want to hear if someone had anything similar to this and how you delayed or stopped the confessions.

Hey guys! My ex from 10 years ago hit me up and let me know he’s got one year sober in AA and asked if he could call/meet to make amends to me. I’m almost 9 years clean myself and I’m super proud of him. We went out a few times like two and a half years or so ago but I wasn’t interested, but I told him about Jesus and AA/NA and what it’s done for me. He thanked me last year and told me he’s getting right and going to AA. Anyway, I told my husband he wants to make amends and it is a jealousy fire over here. I want to let him make his amends because I’m honestly just so proud he’s getting better. I was really worried about him and I’ve actually been thinking of him very often lately. Anyway, what should I do here? My husband is pretty upset about it and said any man in his shoes would be too.

So, a lot has just happened and I really don’t know how to deal with it, aka I’m avoiding it. But so, what happened was one of my parakeets died, who I loved very much, then I went on a “vacation” to Florida where I was sick the entire time from allergies and got an ear infection, and my family was fighting. The last day there on the drive back I got screamed at and called crazy by my brother in law, he apologized later. Kids were so chaotic, while still on the trip in Florida and sick, I got a call from my dad that the medication for my other parakeet hadn’t worked and he just found her dead at the bottom of her cage. So then I was worried about my other bird Dill who is an Amazon parrot, he’s fine, but I was worried he wouldn’t be, that maybe it was a disease and would spread to him and thinking that if he died I couldn’t handle that. I found out my sister is pregnant to her ex boyfriend (who did many illegal things to her, not gonna even say it because it’s definitely triggering to me and many other people), and she was dealing with trying to figure out if she should keep the baby or not because he didn’t want it even tho he said he did before. Finally at the airport and we get on the plane… the plane has a problem, we have to get off and wait for another plane, we board again, that plane also has a problem, we get off again, and wait to see if this part can come in time, (it doesn’t) and so we get sent to a hotel, stay there, go back to the airport the next day and thankfully this plane was fine lol. We get home, and I find out my brother is going to propose to his girlfriend, and he wants my parents to come be with them for dinner one day, and they live in a different state, so now I’m going to be home alone for Sunday and Monday, which I hate being home alone because of my ocd, I’m 18, and kinda still in denial about that too and wanting to crawl under some rock and just die there because who tf decided 18 was an adult, I don’t feel like an adult AT ALL, it goes from being told constantly that you’re a child, to being like okay welp, you’re an adult now, go do everyone on your own and be alone 😃😃… my parents don’t act like this but just generally this is what happens. It scares the shit out of me because one of my ocd fears since I was a kid, is getting older, growing up. Anyways, yea I’m having a lot of problems, I had a dream about self harming just the other night, I’ve been wanting to do that after many months of being clean, I’m avoiding driving again, I’m avoiding my ocd therapist, I’m avoiding my boyfriend ruminating on if I love him or not and if I should be with him or not, avoiding any negative thought that pops into my head, just running away from everything again. I mean I don’t know what else to do, this is how I survived for the past 18 years, I keep telling myself the quote “what’s life without a little risk?” Which has helped me, especially with going on vacation, but it hasn’t helped the avoidance, I just keep making excuses in my head thinking I’m not really avoiding or something. How do I get through an ocd flare up?? What do I do, what do I not do?? I’m so confused and I don’t want to make it worse, and I know by continuing to do what I’ve done for the past 18 years will only make me feel worse. So yea any advice or guidance would be very much so appreciated lol

Have you all realized in some point of your life how much your OCD has really held you back? I just had the roughest wake-up call when I realized how lonely I really am because of my OCD (no one wants to be my friend because I overreact to everything) and I’ve never really matured in any way. I’m 33 years old and I’m still as conflicted as I was as a 12 year old. I feel like I’ve made zero progress in my life, as I take one step forward, but I regress every goddamn time. For example, I’m still without a driver’s license because my OCD gets in the way every time and I get a panic attack. I just got the “you need to wake up” call from my family. I’m just very disappointed in myself and even jealous of how other people can just get better by just going to therapy. Is OCD really this persistent?

I think I need a hug 💔

So I am struggling a lot with an issue and I don’t know if it is OCD related or not, but I am always concerned about how people see me in terms of age and I want to be seen so much younger than I am even though I get told that I do look a lot younger than my age and the age that people may say I look is how I want to be treated. Particularly at the residential facility I am going to. I just can’t seem to cope with the age I am. I think this has something to do with how I was raised by dad and unfortunately what my mom tried to teach me didn’t stick. I just feel like I have missed out on my childhood because I didn’t get diagnosed until 16 and that has made me feel awful because I can’t move forward because there is a lot I have missed out on. This also has to do with activities I could have stuck with in the past if I just didn’t let my social anxiety get in the way. I could have had a future maybe in a sport or something so I wouldn’t have to go to college since school was hard for me.When it comes to getting treatment I don’t even want to be in the age group they have for me because I really don’t relate to people my age. Has anyone else experienced this feeling?

I’ve been having daily panic attacks for 2 weeks now. To keep it simple: On March 27, 2023, I had sex and lost virginity at age 35 with a prostitute During the sex act, I knew that: 1. I had sex with the devil (she looked like it with her tongue action and weirdness about her and strange teeth and plastic surgery and the room was dimly lit red) 2. I had sex with my mom and my dad’s mom (she looked like them) 3. I thought about the innocence lost between myself and my family (how can I touch them again?) 4. I may have gotten this person pregnant (even if it’s .0001% possibility, it’s still a possibility!). And so now I’m thinking how to do I reconcile my actions? Do I call the police to open an investigation? Do I work with a priest? Do I go back to the massage parlor, get the Chinese lady’s number and ensure she isn’t pregnant? But then I think about how I will never find an answer to this madness. For example, if I ask her if she’s the devil, she won’t be truthful. If I asked her if she cursed me, she won’t be truthful. If I ask her if she’s pregnant, she won’t be truthful. If I ask her if she saved my sperm to generate further offspring, she won’t be truthful. And so I’m stuck in hell on earth. I feel like if I don’t get an answer, I’m going to hell. And the thought of having a lineage of offspring from a deadbeat dad and a prostitute will in turn set my lineage of offspring up for failure and consequently eternal damnation. But attempting to get an answer takes drastic measures that may lead to a dead end. And that to me is unbearable. No matter how unlikely or irrational people or myself say these thoughts are, they are still .0001% possible and I can’t move away from that. I’m not willing to risk that. On top of that, the night of the event on March 27th, I went home and looked at the news. I saw my niece and Goddaughter’s name in an event. This solidified the full circle of events that happened 3 years ago with the theme of hell that involved her that led me to being admitted to a mental institution. Now all these disturbing images and thoughts about her have crossed my mind. I know these thoughts aren’t me and never have been, but the connections make too much sense and the figurative voice in my head is telling me I’m cursed and I want to have these thoughts. The figurative voice in my head keeps telling me I wanted all this all along. How do I proceed in life if I ever get married and decide to procreate? I will always think about this event and all the disturbing details that surround them. I’m scared and honestly feel like this is inescapable. I’m hanging on doing my best. Praying. Church ministry. Community service. Spending time with others. Taking medication. Seeking therapy. Working. But after all that is done, I know these events will be here for the rest of my life and that despair for others is too much to carry. I played with the devil and let him win. Side note: I’ve silently struggled with depression, anxiety, OCD, PTSD, and ADHD since childhood. And so I understand that the “normal” person who hasn’t dealt with these mental conditions may think I’m either insane or attribute it to just OCD. But I’m here to say I don’t think that’s the case. And I honestly and sadly feel like this reality is the true reality that cannot be escaped. Yes, I’ve had undiagnosed OCD since childhood. But these hell themed events and circumstances have been built off low probabilities. In other words, every event and circumstance has been unique that provides further evidence of a curse. I do feel like I’m curse. I feel like a normal person who’s been dealt a bad hand and overwhelming devilish events keep occurring that solidify and changes reality. I remember saying blasphemous things randomly as a child and I remember doing a palm reading at my first job where everyone in front of me was fine but the palm reader looked at me in despair telling me there’s a tough road ahead of me.

I've been having a rough few months. My OCD, anxiety, & depression have been very overwhelming--to the point that I'm struggling to keep up with my professional responsibilities, specifically school & an internship. I feel incredibly ashamed that I'm struggling as much as I am because I'm doing my first clinical internship as a therapist. I feel so guilty that I'm a therapist whose mental health struggles are making it difficult for her to do her job of helping others. I'm having thoughts that I shouldn't be struggling this much, that it's bad I'm struggling this much, and that it means my supervisors are going to tell me that I can't do this internship anymore. I'm having thoughts that I'm not mentally healthy enough to be a therapist right now, which worsens the anxiety and depression I'm already feeling. I'm not looking for reassurance, but I'd appreciate any words of support. I know that I'm not the only one on here whose mental health impacts their occupational functioning.

I have this crush on this girl, 2 years older than me. She's beautiful and whenever I just see her smiling at my jokes I feel happy. But now it will be all come to an end. One hour ago I remembered that she had a little brother and thought to myself "it would be unforgivable if I had an intrusive disgusting thought about her brother" Since I had that thought I started having disgusting thoughts and images about it... they were vivid but I assure you they were disgusting and repulsive enough. I'm trying to stop the thoughts from happening and becoming worse and more repulsive than they already are, but they keep coming. To make matters worse, other triggering images from the past that haunted me are returning, trying associate to this event, like disturbing se&ual images of a specific private part that disturbs me a lot, very graphic... I don't know if I can even write it. Also when I opened instagram to occupy my mind, while i was scrolling the reels I came across a scene of a movie which had herotic women and I was turned on. And the fact that I was turned on, was an additional slice on my skin, because it feels like an association with the previous intrusive thoughts, that it was a consequence of those thoughts. Now I will have to avoid her... how can I look at her knowing that I made his brother an object of my pocd? She was someone pure, like a beacon of light for me, an innocent crush that lived outside ocd that could let me live the life of a normal teenager. Now even that is gone. I can't forgive myself for what I did. But maybe is better this way because she won't be near a monster. Also how delusional I am to even hope to have a "relationship" with her. She would be horrified of this post. This post is definitively a compulsion. And I hate how her and his brother are mentioned together with disgusting and degenerated things. I'm truly sick in the head. I don't deserve compassion or understanding.