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the NOCD Community

So many people on here struggle with thinking about what they miss doing or feeling before their OCD theme hit. Some miss being attracted to the opposite sex and feeling giddy talking to a cute guy at the super market, others miss being able to sit with their partners in peace on the couch, others miss cooking with sharp knives without having thoughts about anything but the food in front of them. What do you miss? I miss feeling like I had a strong sense of self and identity. I miss doing or saying something and thinking, “yeah, that’s the type of person I am! And I’m proud!” Now, I say/do stuff and think, “well that’s how the old me would have done it, and I’m not sure what else to do. But it doesn’t really feel like it’s coming from me anymore. It’s just, a habit. My whole personality and identity is just performing a habit. And I have no idea what to replace it with cause I can’t seem to access the “real me” anymore.”

Ever since my OCD started when I was 14 (I’m 26 now), I get the biggest relief from confessing to my mother. It is getting harder as the years pass to resist the urge. I always feel like confessing all of my past mistakes and sins, even though a lot of it will upset her. But I always get a wave of calm across my body every time I get reassurance or a reaction from her. Idk why at 26 I feel guilty not telling my mom everything. I don’t even know anymore when it is appropriate to vent to her like a daughter and when it’s my OCD telling me to seek reassurance for the wrong reasons. I think of my past mistakes and feel so guilty around my mother.

I just found out that my girlfriend (we just broke up a few weeks ago) has feelings some feelings for this other girl and I think she has been emotiomally cheating on me. She was ditching class with this person and someone else every week for months and I had no idea, went to her house, recently had visited her at work, and the girl was confronted and knew my ex girlfriend was giving off some sort of flirty vibe. I feel humiliated and anxious and defeated finding this out. She kind of did this disappearing thing with someone else a few months ago and I freaked out but then apparently nothing was happening. I feel stupid because she would talk about this girl sometimes, they were texting all the time, she asked if she could give her one of our plants, then the girl gave her a gift that was a little to deep for me to think it was just a friend. My girlfriend and I had lived with eachother, been dating for 4 1/2 years, and everything was seemingly going amazing until she mentioned that she feels unhappy being in a relationship right now and wants to be alone to discover more about herself (I’m 19, she’s 21), but I had believed her when she was seemingly not making this a big deal. But then I had it confirmed from her mouth through soemone that she said she has some feelings. We were supposed to talk in August and talk about possibly getting back together after taking a few months apart, but when I found this out I blocked her on everything and decided that I wasn’t going to give her that chance after she wasn’t honest with me. I’m left feeling more anxious than ever, having a fear of depression but feeling sad, OCD coming back a little, haven’t wanted to drive, suicide OCD, etc etc. i’m really really sad because I really did everything for this girl, would have done anything for her, and am extremely in love with her. Even her mom saw me as family and thought we might get married in the future. We were very close. All this sudden she’s changed so quickly and started to act like someone I didn’t know, distancing herself from me, but I don’t know how to get over being so f*cking in love with her and knowing she has feelings for someone. I asked her to tell me up front if the break up was about anyone else so I could move on and she honestly said it’s not, and that it’s about her feeling lost with herself. I believed everything she was saying, but she also said she was content with certain things in our relationship and said our relationship didn’t have any problems and that it was her, but she talked about things she didn’t like about our relationship to a friend, so she lied about that. How can I rebuild my trust? I am more anxious and hurt than ever right now, can’t even sleep

Does anyone every worry about their significant other cheating on them with Rocd?

I feel numb towards my partner? I know I dont want to leave him but I havr no anxiety anymore, and I just feel numb and a little weird towards him. I want this to stop

Hi, l have a form of OCD where my obsessive thoughts centre on making a mistake/ doing something wrong and getting into trouble (e.g. going to jail). I don’t think it’s exactly harm ocd, because my main fear is ruining my life by getting into trouble- as selfish as that sounds. Does anyone have any idea what this type of ocd is called?

Okayed me start off by day I’m not seeking reassurance so don’t give it to me . I just need to know that I’m not alone in this trans theme . This is the second month that I had this theme . It has completely ruined me . I’m not going to lie it has me a bit suicidal I feel like I’m going insane and I feel like I’m a whole different person. Like I just turned into a boy out of nowhere . And it feels very real . And I can’t even look at myself in the mirror anymore without second guessing myself . My brain will either tell me I look like a boy or tell me I am one . I don’t like it . But I feel like I just have to try to deal with it now . Like maybe I am a boy now ? It pains to have to “accept” something like this because I know deep down inside no matter how real it feels , I am Naja Demsyn . But my brain just won’t stop no matter what I do . I stoped the googling , I stopped the compulsions, I’ve tried the sarcasm and it still will not go away . I feel like it’s erasing my entire life . I’ve been a girl for 18 years and never questioned it and did what I enjoyed . I was happy the way I was . I had minor insecurities but I was confident as a girl growing into a woman . I wanted a husband and to be married with kids . I looked up to other woman like Beyoncé and Michelle Obama . I wanted to be like my sisters . I liked doing things like getting my nails and hair done . It made me feel good . And all of that was taken from me . It tells me I hate my body , I hate my face . Can’t stop getting images of myself as a boy . Tells me I’m not really In love with my boyfriend and I never liked boys . It’s told me that I was really like this my entire life . Sometimes it even makes up little scenarios of the past as if I’ve questioned my gender before . This has to be the worst theme that has ever happened to me . I legit can not take it . I feel like I won’t recover from this and I am going to be forced to be something I never wanted to be and live unhappy. And this is where the suicidal thoughts come in . If I can’t be myself than what’s the point of living ? It associates me with Every man I see as if I am there equal . And I’m not and I don’t want to be . And I keep praying that it will go away and nothing works . I don’t know what else to do my options are getting limited I’m getting more depressed and life is getting so much more evil than it was before . Someone please give me some kind of advice at least on how to deal with this or what may happen to me . I’m scared , I’m lonely and I feel like dying .

Hi, I downloaded this app on a whim and I realized I might have harm ocd. I thought it was my depression getting to me this whole time. Here's the pattern I've noticed. After a really good day or weekend when I've become very happy, I'll start to get intrusive thoughts about people insulting or slighting me in some way and me killing them to punish them. As the days go by the length of the intrusions increases dramatically, so that I'm spacing out for hours about graphic murder and suicide scenes that are very disturbing. They will end in one of two ways. The first is I will think to myself that I would actually do these things because I must, and then do a 180 and cry about how I don't want to hurt anyone or become a terrible person. The second is that my fury and wrath within the imagined scenario will become so intense that it's like an orgasm of rage jolts me awake, and then I become very upset about what kind of thoughts I was having and the fact that they completely stole all of my attention. Sometimes I find that I have been pacing or even running back and forth, because of all that fight or flight adrenaline that got worked up. By the end of the week I'm feeling deeply depressed if not suicidal. Because of the pattern that has emerged, it feels like my brain just won't allow me to enjoy life, like it has to sabotage me everytime I actually enjoy living, and I'm even starting to feel dread during happy times because happiness has come to mean the beginning of another emotional storm. Does this sound familiar to any of you? I'm not diagnosed with ocd, and I wanted to wait until I get a better job at the end of summer before I start visiting a psychiatrist. This app tells me to let those murder thoughts come. That seems outrageous to me. I don't want to think about killing people MORE. I thought about writing graphic lyrics and putting it to music in my band, but I worry that would be a selfish way to cope because then I would be planting those desires in people who might actually do them. I'm sure this got long so thanks if you read all this.

I'm 16 and have an obsession revolving around harming children because it scares and confuses me why people do it so I started questioning myself and Im feeling like the biggest monster ever, I always used to love kids but since a year ago its hard to go out in public and get a job like other kids in school and I just want to be guilt free but there's no proof the feelings are true or not, my doctor suggested erp which did help a lot but other ways of coping especially for in the moment high anxiety would be helpful please thank you all sorry I just needed to talk, I feel like I should punish myself for these awful thoughts thank you I hope you all find good doctors

Idk what to do anymore I’m literally stuck I mean today I went out saw a lot of girl got close to them nothing happened I was ok but I my attraction for boys is gone fuck nooo help plzzz

very sexy and hot of the most important people in my life to listen to my experiences with ocd and then try to convince me that i don’t have a disorder

Hello everyone!! I’m a Musician, i must say i’ve been dealing on and off with OCD, before saying the negative of my specific situation i must state that in the past OCD has helped me, for example, i can play in my head every single instrument like a CD separating each one and knowing what notes come along, this has potentiated my hability as a musician. On the business side i graduated law school and helped me towards reaching my goals. I believe when chsnneled correctly this can be of help to many. On the downside i must admit i am currently on a small relapse, i’ve gotten a mixture of these: Health OCD (my gf wants to get breast implants and i’ve been worrying she might die from a complication of it), Past sexual experiences that i find not honorable OCD and well sometimes OCD about having OCD (i know right) that feeling of “am i sick, will this get better? will i go crazy? will this cripple me? honestly thats all part of the instrusive thoughts, i am in CBT and Pristiq, although i would like to hear some techniques that have worked for you guys as we are on the same ship. I normally fall in the trap of googling for information (thats my compulsion) about everything, its a trap i try to avoid, and im just learning to accept the anxiety and thoughts rather than fighting them. If you feel identified please let me know what techniques you have used in the past i would appreciate, and well remember this too shall pass and we will learn, life is ups and downs, this shall make us stronger. Best wishes M

I really am starting to feel like the old me :) I’m so proud of all the work I’ve done to get better. I know I’m not fully recovered but I feel better!! I’m so ready to be me again!

My boyfriend resents me for what I put him through after I lost my job. I would lash out in his company accommodation and have melt downs, plus a few drunk meltdowns in public. I had gotten off my meds and was living abroad so when I lost my job I just lost it. The calm person he used to be turned into a monster. Now he lashes out at me. When I bought up his ex once while he was mad he even said she looks much much better than me. He told me he didn’t mean it and it was for revenge but it replays over in my head. He was packing and leaving the apartment once and I had no money I didn’t know when he would be back. I tried to hold him and he couldn’t hit me so he spit on me so he could leave for some space. He gave me the world and after what I’ve done he’s so bitter. He sent me home for a few months while he travels for work. He says we will work on our issues but I seem to be getting all the blame and he says he’s a reaction to my actions. Idk how to get the same guy back or prevent myself from resenting him after all said and done.

I’m really scared..everyone in here is talking about a specific type of thoughts or an known theme ..i think off all things in an crazy way

Does anyone else try accepting thier thoughts and just thinking whatever to them? I have severe pocd and I can understand the concwpt of just accepting them as thoughts. But what do you do when you see a preety little girl for example? I just think she's preety abd the I think does that mean attractive??....

The fact that Im googling to see if that Im feeling numb towards my partner and that Im scared because I dont feel anxiety anymore so Im thinking my thoughts are real and that Im feeling that my partner is not real is normal could be considered as a compulsion? I think Ive been going through the backdoor spike for almost two weeks now and I dont even know what to feel anymore

Question, anyone have a day where there’s no intrusive thoughts or irrational worries, but then you start to feel a little anxious for no apparent reason; so your mind immediately jumps to the thoughts that usually bother you?

Looking for opinions please. Suffer from Intrusive Thoughts related to speed (not the drug) due to past trauma as a child. However, experienced something different and peculiar.  I have been with my girlfriend for 10 + years, she's funny, beautiful and very sweet. I admit that I plan to get engaged end of the year. I recently returned from a trip abroad with my family, then soon took my girlfriend on a trip that involved a long arduous drive. On the day we returned we sat with her family having a nice time (even if I was a little tired) and suddenly a thought hit me from nowhere (paraphrasing) "you're laugh is annoying" or "you're not likeable". I was so taken aback that I even thought this. I love this girl, so where did that even come from?! Because of these kind of thoughts, I started to have an anxiety attack that I attempted to conceal from those around me. I felt sick to my stomach, sweating and even moderately shaking. I'm sure you all know anxiety, so I won't detail it further. But the idea of these thoughts still churns my stomach. Whenever I see her now I feel guilty, I feel anxious that I'll think something like that again. It's a vicious circle of course, the more you try to avoid these things they seemingly get worse. Is this even something related to OCD or Intrusive Thoughts? Usually such thoughts are images, not this. I have been looking up online what it could be, even considering whether it's voices in my head, afterall I don't know what that would even be like. I feel dreadful about it, I want to propose to her but she deserves better surely. Really confused and ashamed. My other intrusive thoughts are not like this, nor related to anyone. Would appreciate your thoughts. Thank you.

My therapist just said something that absolutely triggered me and now I want to cry. She said that some of my thoughts may not be intrusive, if a thought makes me feel good then it means that I have to accept it so that the world can too. But my thoughts don't make me feel good, they make feel uncomfortable and distressed what the heck does that mean. She's great with helping you having a more positive mindset but I desperately need a cbt therapist right now