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Help, would anyone please mind reading my past two posts? Im having an extremely difficult time and could really use some support.

It’s gotten to the point my boyfriend threatens to block me every time he gets a little ticked off at me and he doesn’t like talking when he’s upset he always needs space. My ocd goes crazy when this happens because I fear being broken up with, which he also threatened. Our relationship was perfect and after some fights he has come to resent me. When he’s mad he tells me he’s with me out of pity and then when he’s calm he says he loves me he doesn’t mean it. This is so hard for me to handle and makes me obsess like crazy. He knows I am lonely at home and we are long distance.

HOCD is telling me I have to be gay. I don’t want to be. I have always loved men. Every Disney show growing up I would develop a crush on a boy (zoey 101 it was logan, Hannah Montana it was jake etc.). No part of me has any desire to be gay. I hate this.

Does anyone stop getting anxious about an obsession but it still bothers them on the inside? I feel such a horrible pit in my stomach whenever I try to move on with my life and just try to be happy. Almost like I feel guilty for being happy when I have unresolved obsessions in my head.

Learning to manage OCD is possible and its so freeing. I have my life back and I have tools that help me manage this when it tries to pop up. You’ll get there too! So worth it.

I know any reassurance I get does not satisfy, it keeps coming back. Even if I think I have an answer, even if the answer is that I don’t have the answers and that’s okay, it does not last. The ocd will find a way to come back and make me question. But I’ve never been diagnosed with OCD still, I have gone through an eating disorder and severe malnourishment... and chemo. So I wouldn’t be surprised if my brain is just tired, exhausted, and trying to repair itself and my entire body. But even before all of that, I struggled with my brain. Someone would turn on a light switch, and my mind would be thrown completely off and I’d panic, if someone opened a door, my mind was thrown off, the color of the sky didn’t feel right, something didn’t feel right. And I spent hours to full days being thrown off and wondering why. I didn’t know what was wrong with me. And still to this day I don’t understand. I do not know if it’s OCD. My mind feels broken. I can’t concentrate and I can’t seem to focus on anything without feeling like I’m missing something and I have to figure something out and something is wrong. Not sure what the purpose of my writing this is, I guess I’m just processing some. If anyone has any thoughts, I’d love to hear:)

i was mindfully calling myself a boy and using him/his pronouns and i felt very comfortable. my tocd just sets back ?

Does anyone get intrusive thought that begin with “ I am (insert whatever you don’t want to be)” and then you feel horrible after that though

Hey y’all, I have been struggling with OCD since I was 3. When I was 3-14 I was scared that something bad would happen to me if I had something spilled on my shirt, or if I threw anything away (superstition). It sounds terrible, but I would give anything to go back to have obsessions about that. After my freshman year of high school I developed Hocd probably due to the fact that all I wanted was boys attention yet I wasn’t very pretty so they didn’t give me any and all of my friends were very pretty and they got all the boys attention and my best friend was dating the guy I had a crush on. I eventually conquered Hocd (or so I thought). I was happy, normal, loved flirting with boys, would get incredibly anxious when I liked a boy and they left me on read or opened a Snapchat and didn’t respond, I love boys I always have! In fact, my friends and I would constantly swoon over boys. When the hunger games came out I became incredibly obsessed with josh hutcherson I remember I would listen to Brittany Spears and imagine doing stuff with him (like sexually) which is really cringey to think about haha. Anyway, my senior year of high school was amazing I had my first boyfriend since the 8th grade (he was my first love) I thought I might marry him then ROCD came running into my head. I would constantly compare my boyfriend to other men and would freak out if I found another man attractive! That eventually went away and I broke it off with him when I had no anxiety and had no current obsession (I DID NOT BREAK UP WITH HIM WHILE I WAS EXPERIENCING ROCD). I had the greatest summer (last summer) it was amazing, I took trips around the world, hung out with my friends, met many boys who I liked (some I even hooked up with ?) sorry for the brief tmi. Then I got to college everything was fine and dandy I loved it here I was hot shit essentially (also bad to say) all the boys were swooning and I loved it. I was engulfed in a flood of men and I was so happy, so confident and so narcissistic haha! I then met the most amazing, sweetest, most caring man I have ever come to know. So as you can imagine we started dating, fell head over heels for him...literally OBSESSED with him to this day (when I’m not consciously thinking about attraction, I realize how hot and handsome he is like when I get a quick glance but it never lasts too long considering my OCD takes over again). Everything was good until the start of the new year when I lost my best friend (my grandma) to cancer. It was devastating she truly was everything I want to be when I grow up. She was caring, everyone loved her. I then came down with ROCD again which was devastating at the time (I wish I could switch my theme back to that again lol) I loved this man, he was everything I ever wanted, brown hair, brown eyes, tan skin, muscular build and an American soldier. I struggled with ROCD with my current boyfriend for about a month then I remember waking up one Friday and saying no, turning on my favorite YouTuber, cleaning the dorm room and by not acknowledging my thoughts as truths I became healed it was amazing (this kind of mind over matter thing is extremely difficult and often times ineffective but it worked this time). I then developed an eating disorder which was an obsession I had had previously (I was obsessed that I would become fat), though I still am extremely conscious about what I put into my body, I am no longer obsessive. All while battling my fat obsession I also would obsess about whether I was pregnant or not. I would literally be in line to get a coffee and I would look at the barista and I would think to myself “wow she’s so lucky she’s not pregnant she has her whole life to look forward to” (I would do anything to have this obsession again). Anyway along with the pregnant obsession I would take tests and they would come out negative but I would never believe them, furthermore I would get my period (my periods are always light and always have been) and think it was implantation bleeding. So eventually the pregnancy obsession subsided and now we are here, my uncle died about a month and a half ago in which I didn’t have a huge reaction, he was a great man and a great friend, but I was so shell shocked by my grandmas death that it hadn’t hit me he had died at the time of his passing. I have now come back down into the deep hole of HOCD, I can always sense when I’m about to have an episode of extreme obsessions and compulsions. I know I’m only obsessing because major life events have recently happened and are about to happen for me (my uncle died, my boyfriends leaving for air assault school, I’m moving back home after my first year of college etc.). What hurts the most is that, I look at the I swear to God love of my life and I sometimes over analyze and cannot feel anything for him. I cannot be around my friends that are girls because I constantly question whether or not I am attracted to them. I know I am not deep down because when you’re attracted to someone you don’t have to ask yourself if you are, YOU JUST ARE. Kind of like I JUST am attracted to my boyfriend. Honestly just typing it out makes me realize my thoughts are irrational. Sometimes I feel like I wanna crawl out of my skin. Two nights ago I told my boyfriend about my condition and even more specifically hocd he didn’t care and said he’ll love me forever and ensured me we are going to get married (every now and again I’ll have moments of clarity and I’ll get all excited thinking wow I am going to be a mom and a wife to my husband someday, then the HOCD sets in again of course). I just don’t feel like myself, I’m not super anxious anymore, I’m not having panic attack’s or anything which makes the thoughts feel real, I know logically what I am expirencing is the back door affect and that I will eventually return back to normal where I can hang out with my friends and not question if I want to kiss or do anything sexual with them (it disturbs me to even type it out), and my extreme attraction to my man will return. It’s just freaking hard, I know y’all know what I’m talking about one second you feel up to idk going to the gym or walking outside, the next you just feel like you wanna crawl out of your skin. I totally feel you guys. This disorder is not for the weak, if you have OCD you are strong, you will get through this. I have learned to accept my thoughts as they come, but they make me feel extremely gross. I used to love hanging out with the girls, you know, grabbing a coffee, going shopping etc. I cannot do that currently due to my mental state, but I will eventually. I guess I’m just writing down my thoughts because it makes me feel relieved. If anyone can relate to this excruciatingly long post let me know haha! P.S I know this is all over the place

I know hat thoughts relate to feelings and we’re supposed to accept them but what do you do when you’re overwhelmed by your feelings? Last night I was really tired and apathetic and idk how to just accept that

What are some tips to get outta your head ? It’s kinda rough

What is a good exposure exercise for need to confess? The obsession is being a bad wife the compulsion is confessing - what’s the ERP exercise? Struggling right now.

Why do I feel like I want my boyfriend to change? I'm also going through pms right now and it's so hard to see if it's me or my OCD+pms

Is it possible to have a relationship and get your normal attraction back for whoever has hocd? Are these thoughts gonna be always here? I'm so sick I can't even think about what I want without having these images

So, I anticipate my anxiety/intrusive thoughts. They tell me “you think about your ex, there has to be a reason for it.” And it really flip flops my stomach. I feel sick, sad, and guilty. The reality of the matter is that I don’t actually have thoughts about my ex, directly. I don’t long for her or think about her in that way. I have intrusive thoughts that just say, “You’re not over her, or you miss her.” And those thoughts bring me immense anxiety. I really don’t know how to get past this. I tried ERP but quite honestly, it scares me. I literally anticipate this though. I go to bed thinking, “I’m going to have anxiety over this when I wake up.” Our whole ride back from NY last night, I was having bad anxiety over it. My wife talked me through it and was extremely helpful. Unfortunately we were both exhausted and didn’t go to sleep until almost 3 in the morning. I had a dream about my ex last night, and in the dream it felt as if I cared for her. And I woke up this morning so extremely anxious, upset, and guilty. I gotta figure out a way to calm down, I just want to enjoy my life. I am so scared that I’m going to ruin something so important to me.

Does anybody feel weird when they try do to things they enjoyed before this ocd hit? Like I know I like these things but because I'm so into my head my ocd makes it feel forced

My birthday is coming up & all I want to do is die. I'm to the point where trying to get better is pointless. It never gets better in my many years of experience with this illness. I want to note that I'm not suicidal, just feel like I'd be better off not living. Life is hell.

My grandma is dying right now and with my ocd is like obsessed with her dying it’s like a part of me wants her to die. But I don’t want her to do! I hate ocd

Need some advice. Something happened to me in London a few years ago. I was drinking my sorrows away on a group tour during a pub crawl. I caused so much of a scene my “friend” left me for the night and I woke up in a strange house on the floor of a little girl’s room and a guy was waking me up trying to do things with me. I apparently went into a car with a group of Turkish guys (I’m Turkish so I was probably talking with them). I was so drunk waking up I don’t even remember that part too well. In the living room after everyone woke up the guys wanted to mess with me saying they gang banged me the night before, the guy who tried to get with me is a heroin addict with aids, etc. When I started to cry, one guy said ok that’s enough stop messing with her. I had to have my therapist calm me down from the US. Recently I got an obsession about this night and being on tape secretly. So I googled keywords like Turkish gangbang or Turkish slut with my name in it. I came across a blurry video titled Turkish girl taking a gangbang, and thin figure like me, same hair color but so blurry and I just assume it’s me because of the Turkish description and the year I was in London, even though I’ve seen other videos with similar titles. I usually seek reassurance from others but this time I’m all alone. I have no money to go back to therapy right now and my boyfriend doesn’t understand ocd. I keep having thoughts like omg I’m online I was really gangbanged, there is a video out of me I don’t deserve my boyfriend I’m keeping a horrible secret. It’s a horrible trigger and I feel so alone. Usually my therapist I think would tell me to say there is no evidence this is my ocd, or say some sort of exposure script but it’s so hard to try alone.

Today has been really hard. Anxiety is so bad