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I’ve been going like all out in ERP to make sure that the anxiety stops and now I’m trying to understand if this is a compulsion ? And if it is what do I do ?

im a girl maybe a lesbian not so sure anymore huh (and enlgish isn't my first language sorry) I feel like I have OCD and I want to do exposures and all that stuff But at the same time i can't help but think "what's the point of doing this? what if I do therapy only to find out I was bisexual or straight who actually liked guys since the very beginning? That would mean i was deceiving myself so bad into thinking I had 'ocd' about guys when i actually liked them, so stupid ugh" I don't remember anything about my past, but whenever i do or see or hear something memories come up at me all of a sudden and it feels like they must mean I like boys. Are those really my memories i'm so confused. I think the probability of me being bi is so high it won't make any difference if I do therapy, because I probably like guys anyway. But then, i don't want to like guys. But what if I'm in denial? This sounds like denial... What made me think I can like girls in the first place?... What 'lesbian' would have this kind of thoughts? It probably already means deep down I like guys but too afraid to accept that. Why do I think about this... I just want to punish myself for having intrusive thoughts. It really feels like i'm so in denial.... i don't know what i'm expecting to hear?? I don't want to live like this anymore but i feel like a fraud :(

Feel like this year my ROCD has been at it's worse. I feel like it's tearing away, bit by bit, me and my husband. I get these thoughts that he doesn't love me anymore and is just pretending so he doesn't have to deal with another divorce. Thoughts that he's emotionally moved on and can't stand to be around me. I mean... I can't stand to be around me either like this so I don't blame him. My ROCD got set off hard again this weekend. My husband wanted to go out to a bar and talk to some folks about our band opening sometime. He asked if I'd like to go and I simply said "I don't want to be out late " so he took it as "well that means you don't want to go so just stay home.".... No I just didn't want to be out late and home at a decent time bc I get headaches without enough sleep. But I figured what a good way to emerse my self in being uncomfortable with him going out alone, especially if he said he will not be out late. Baby steps right? He said and texted that he was not staying out that late so no worries. So he left 5:30pm.... And of course was out until 2:12 am (1:12am with the time change). So of course I didn't sleep bc here he has lied to me again and it set off a ton of intrusive thoughts ranging from he's cheating, to he's not where he says he really is, is he drinking again? Etc. Etc. Him doing doing what he said doesn't seem to bother him. I didn't bring it up bc he'd get mad and defensive. I wish I could make him understand what I'm dealing with so we can work together.... Makes me feel more alone. Anyone else deal with that in ROCD? Anyways. Taking a big step today and contacting some doctors to see if they can help and if they take my insurance. I'm tired of not being myself and being at war with my mind almost every waking moment.

So guys another morning i feel like shit. Rn it has to do with my brother and me in regards to my family. I never wanted to live on dorm. I wanted to save money and was comfortable at home. My parents made me live on dorm and take out loans and now im 60,000 dollars in debt. The only reason i took out the loans was because my dad said hed help pay for them. Which was a lie. On my second year on campus i was very much alone and wanted to come stay home. My ocd was getting really bad at one point. I think that was my first really bad wave of ocd and i dont think the isolation and loneliness helped. Evey weekend i would drag my bag downtown take the subway than take the bus and wait for my parents to pick me up in their car as a single female alone and my dad would ask why i was home. My brother started his freshman year and my parents take turns driving all the way to pick him up. No bus, no train. My dad would tell him to not come home too much but now asks him when he’s coming home next as if he’s excited while i seemed to be a nuisance. My brother will also bring all his laundry and do it at home (when there is a laundry mat on campus) and my parents will get mad at me if im doing laundry the day hes coming back even if i don’t know because it varies. Also the other day my mom went to get food for my brother and not me , my brother got food for just himself, and then i was coming home and my parents got mad at me because they needed to use my car to take him downtown (even though i didnt know because we have 2 cars and no one told me) when i was going to get myself food and my dad started yelling at me for not getting food for my brother. My brother rarely gets food for me unless its leftovers or i beg him but im expected to do it unprompted because im the older sister? I told my dad this and he said wow you’re trying to get revenge on your brother? Like what?!. He will tell me to check in on my brother while me and my brother barely talk and i doubt he checked on me once in college. Which is alright but i hate that I’m expected to do all these things and get shit on and my brother can just be able to do what he wants. I sometimes think about all the pressure my parents put on me and all the expectations they have vs for my brother and sometimes i think it contributed to me breaking down. I don’t want to start resenting my brother because of the pressure my parents keep putting on me and the differences between us but im def starting to resent the hypocrisy with my parents. I know they mean well at times but i know myself in terms of education and how i do well and if they gave me a helping hand instead of push back i think things would be different. Like this time last year i was on my second wave of ocd (the worst one) bought my dad a present for his birthday that i was really excited about and I remember him calling me a loser since i quit another retail job (like 6) since i was really unhappy. Anyways this is kind of a rant. I know im not perfect and my parents get worried but instead of trying to understand and work with me they like turn on me for not doing what they want. Idk where else to put this tbh. African parents btw.

Can people please share some stories of recovery? I’m feeling so helpless at the moment and need desperately some inspiration to keep on going. I really can’t see the way out right now 😭

Everything around me is giving me stress, from the way I touch my screen to every color/number I see. I’m so scared i’m going to lose everyone I love. I even have it when I see random people on the street, I get a tought like ‘don’t look at that person or they will die.’ And then I accidentally look and feel scared the whole day because I can’t check it. Then I will ‘punish’ myself to make up for it. So for example I don’t get to do something I really wanted to do, because then they will ‘really die’. I am losing myself and I just want to be the person I want to be, doing the things I love. But everytime i’m enjoying, something bad is happening. I really needed to get this off my chest.

***TW***does mention forms of harassment and sexual abuse I really don’t know what to do I want to vent about something that’s heavy on my mind because it’s something I’m dealing with at work and I need advice or an opinion I guess. There’s a guy I work with that has a huge crush on me and he’s mentioned he likes me multiple times and he makes very strange comments (not sexual but relationship related if that makes sense) and I’ve told him multiple times that I’m not interested and I only like him as a friend. I’ve had to repeat myself a bunch of times and it’s not sinking in for some reason. I’m trying to be a friend because he’s a very lonely guy who’s 14 years older than me (I’m 23 and he’s 36) and he’s never had a real girlfriend and he’s desperate and I try to give him friendly advice to let things come to him on their own time and not to force it. He’s all the time making comments about me being a girlfriend or wife and he doesn’t leave me alone at work. I went part time for a little bit in the beginning of this semester of college and on the days I would work I couldn’t get away from him. He was there like a lost puppy for the entire weekend and I have been just letting it be because he gets pouty and mad when I tell him to leave me alone and then I feel bad being the too nice of a person I am and then I am the one that ends up apologizing and then he does it again. It just keeps going and it’s so frustrating because he doesn’t do his job and the things he is asked to do in his department (we work retail) and he will slack off just so he can spend every second of every day around me and I can’t say anything because he is also a person who likes to run his mouth and when the managers talked to him before about harassment (because this has been going on for a while now) they warned him that he could get fired for it and he went around telling people that I was trying to get him fired for harassment and it turned back on me and I never under any circumstances want to get anyone fired it’s what the managers decided to say because of harassment policy. Earlier today I told them again because it’s gotten to the point he’s getting kind of touchy feely but not really in a sexual way I guess like trying to hold my hand or put his hand on mine or lean on me or put his head on my shoulder and even the other day we were talking in the break room at work and he just randomly was behind me as I was sitting down and started massaging my shoulder and it made me uncomfortable but when I was telling the managers about what has been going on they told me I needed to tell them sooner and that it needs to be taken care of and I broke down crying because I had flashbacks of when I was a minor and I was touched inappropriately by someone a lot older and I won’t go into detail but it was kind of similar in a way and I just started sobbing in front of the managers and the store manager who I look up to as a brother and he thinks of me like a sister left the room because I was crying and I guess it made him leave and the assistant manager who actually does know the situation of when I was a minor and dealing with what was I think to be sexual abuse, she talked to me and calmed me down because I told her I was triggered because of the guy at work and what I had to deal with for about 5 years as a teenager and being so afraid to speak up about it because I was afraid I was the problem and that everyone was going to hate me because I let it happen for so long and I went along with it because I thought it was normal and that because it was family they loved me and it didn’t matter but I spoke up today and they are going to talk to him but I just know it’s going to come back on me. That he will somehow lie or make excuses because he doesn’t take responsibility ever for anything he does wrong he just blames people. I just feel like I’m the problem, that it’s all in my head, I’m overthinking it and I should keep my mouth shut. I’m actually tempted to tell the managers not to do anything about it so it doesn’t cause so much drama because he is a friend and I don’t want anyone to be mad or upset. I don’t know what to do. I’m overwhelmed, scared he might snap or do something or get angry and hurt me or someone else I don’t know at this point of the OCD is just latching onto the situation and blowing things out of proportion because of fear I just know I can’t sleep, I’m really down and I don’t want to go to work anymore. But I’m in college and it’s the most flexible job I know of that’s working with me on my crazy schedule that I’m now back to being full time on and a full time student. I’m so lost, overwhelmed, triggered, anxious, upset. I just need an opinion. What do I do? I really just wish I could leave and never come back but I can’t do that right now. I can’t afford to…

how do you all deal with going to work while having ocd? i have to go to work tomorrow for the first time in a while and i’ve been obsessing really bad the past couple of weeks. i’m scared i won’t actually be able to function or anything because all i’ve been doing every day all day has been obsessing. i’m really nervous. any advice will be appreciated.

What do I do when my HOCD makes me feel like I’m in denial and that I’m not romantically attracted to women, and the intrusive thoughts are there during these intrusive feelings? 😞😞😞

The anxiety really suppresses appetite

I don’t know what to do anymore. Its gotten to the point where I think about ending my life in detail every day. I would admit myself to the hospital but because I have type 1 diabetes I can’t (to explain it quickly- I have a rare form of type 1 that is extremely uncontrollable, the only people who know how to treat it correctly is me and my endocrinologist. I have been to the ER so many times (so they could save my life) and they ended up almost killing me because they don’t know what they’re doing and don’t listen to me) if I was admitted to a psych ward there is no way they would let me be in charge of my diabetes because insulin can kill you and they’d be afraid I’d try and do that on purpose. So I have been living in hell ever since. Anti depressants don’t work for me. Every therapist I’ve ever had has told me I need to move out of my house and thats what’s causing this mental torment. What has caused my OCD, anxiety and my depression is every person in my family that I am (and am not) living with. I don’t know what to do.

trigger warning is for those who may find menstruation talk distressing. i have irregular periods. last time i checked, no health issues linked. just due to probably stress. (i do want to get an update on it tho, not out of any fears but i just kinda wanna know what's going on). i know that periods cause spikes in ocd and anxiety. my current theme started on the first day of my last period. it'd been almost exactly one month since when my anxiety spiked recently. i have had no period, and no physical period symptoms that i usually get like pains. but i wonder if the anxiety spike is linked to the period that didn't happen, since period symptoms can appear without bleeding sometimes. does anybody else with irregular periods experience ocd spikes without physical period symptoms? just something i'm curious about, so i can be prepared for possible anxiety spikes when my period is ✨supposed✨ to happen, or as much as i can when irregular periods can really mess any sense of cycle up. i'd google it but google keeps trying to diagnose me with stuff 🥲

I broke up with her this morning because I couldn’t feel what I was supposed to feel all I felt was anxiety. I wasn’t excited to see her anymore, I felt sick all of the time and I couldn’t think of being in the relationship anymore without being nervous and anxious.. two weeks ago I was absolutely in love with her. We talked and I held her while she cried. And for some reason I felt closer to her then, then I had all week this week. I don’t know what’s wrong with me. I can’t make it past 4 months.

My fam says my fears are not their problems and that they can’t help me anymore. Mom just said she’s done and that I need to leave the house. I know they’re right. But now I feel like I have no one.

Yesterday someone gave me the analogy of a “happiness scale” in a relationship, detailing that if my happiness ever drops below 60% the relationship is probably not worth it. I don’t disagree with the theme of their message which is that I shouldn’t be with a person that does not add joy to my life or rather I shouldn’t be with a person who subtracts joy from my life, but I don’t love the scale and percentage analogy because I think relationships fluctuate and also a statement like that is so triggering for my OCD lol. Recently I have not been feeling super fulfilled in my relationship but also in any field of my life for that matter; I am in a place with my anxiety and depression where I feel a bit aimless. I am not someone who hides from my truth, so I recognize that if solely my partner was making me unhappy I would ultimately end things no matter how difficult that may be. But that line gets blurred with intrusive thoughts, because lately things have been hard in my relationship and kind of as a result of the ROCD I experience that I unleash onto my partner. Even as I type this out, I think, “what if my partner is the reason for all of this” even though I’ve been struggling with OCD long before I met him. I told them that my version of that statement is more along the lines of “would the healthiest version of myself be with this person” because it’s not as black and white in my opinion. Does anyone have thoughts on this?

And advice/coping when stuck in this need to know?

I came across manifestation a month ago on Tiktok then found Neville Goddard and Joseph Murphys work. Basically whatever belief/thought/feeling you have will manifest into your "3D" world (aka outer reality). But it confuses me. Every negative thought/feeling/belief or intrusive thoughts in general never ever come true for people. It's mostly the fear and anxiety that causes those thoughts and question your assumptions about things that aren't even true or unnecessary. It leads to searching things on google or social media - compulsions and rumination as well. People with OCD like me with have a single negative feeling and thought for MONTHS on end but never come true? So why do people on manifesting forums always say "you attract your fears" "every thought creates" "everything happens because of you" ? This seems stressful for people with mental health issues but they say you can always "revise" that or they don't believe in mental health at all. They think a repeated affirmation will be planted into your subconscious and will manifest but what about people who repeat affirmations or doubts in relations about their ocd (HOCD for example - “Does this mean I’m gay, bi, straight, etc?” over and over again for months or ROCD thinking how much your partner doesn't love you anymore for a year just worrying they will leave you) they'll say "oh yeah that'll form a belief and manifest into your reality!" but huh? It doesn't make any sense to me.

Is there someone who has self harmed in the past that would be Ok discussing this? I used to hurt myself out of frustration a lot but i had gotten better. More recently i had gotten in a weird zone when i am more aware of wht i'm doing but did it anyway. I dont know if it's for attention (that was the thought around it in my family growing up) Why did i do it? Maybe to show on the outside wht's going on inside? (I really want validation for other stuff. I'm not good with words to tell wht happened. But there was disfunction growing up and i think it's like cptsd is. where it's a lot of little things not one clear trauma. ) I'm such a mess. Sorry. And my counselor has shingles so he's unavailable to meet right now. I can txt him but i wanted to be in person with them when i bring this up. Guess i'm wondering about my motive.

i feel like my ocd has found evidence from the past that confirms my intrusive thoughts. i’m so scared that everything it says is real. i don’t know what to do anymore. i actually can’t do this anymore. i feel like i’m just a fraud.

Does anyone struggle with derealization mixed with existential ocd which just gets so bad I feel like I paralyzed because I can’t understand the world I’ll looking at. Absolutely terrible