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Hi, I am new here, I have been reading the forum posts & replying to them when I can but this time I thought I would be brave and have a go myself so... I had my first tattoo last December I was excited & nervous. I thought I would treat myself as I had a horrible time in lockdown when I realised I had OCD and was officially diagnosed. I started to re-admire tattoos & became very interested in them. I did my research on vegan studios, I also watched many YouTube videos etc. When I found a local studio I had to go inside by myself, wear a mask due to covid precautions etc. It wasn't until I was sat in the chair waiting for my stencil to dry, that I realised the artist smokes and went out for a cigarette. I did my best to stay calm and not panic, but thoughts started bombarding me. I did not even think about their lifestyle choices😮‍💨.The artist did wash their hands, wore a mask, put gloves on (hygiene standard) but that still didn't comfort me (did they wash their hands with soap, long enough? Will particles of tobacco go through the gloves and their mask into my skin? Will I get ill and its all my fault?). I could smell the smoke through my mask. Then we had a break and the artist went out again to smoke; this time round the artist didn't wash their hands, instead they quickly used hand sanitiser and quickly put their gloves on. I was having a fight inside of me, my heart was beating fast etc and I just couldn't voice my opinion. The thing is I kept reassuring myself it was going to be ok, I don't think it would have been bad if they kept washing their hands after smoking its probably the fact that they did it once and that was enough 😥. I have recently been going back to this and wishing I said something but its too late and everytime I see my tattoos it just reminds me. I have been Googling to justify my thoughts for some scientific answer but its not helping. Questions like how effective is hand gel on cigarette hands, handwashing vs hand gel, if gloves really do protect and are they porous. I felt really contaminated and just wanted to leave but it was to late. 6 months later I had another tattoo by another artist in the studio, I had booked this appointment a long time ago and also regretted it as the artist also smokes. I thought she would probably have better hygiene standards but no, she used gel too and this time no mask. So I felt very sick , the smell was too overpowering, I felt (thought) like as she was talking, the tobacco and germs from her mouth would enter my bloodstream. I should have just cancelled the whole thing, and lost my deposit. The tattoo is really bad and it wasn't worth it as I'm now having laser on it 😵‍💫. I had horrible experiences but the 1st one wasn't as bad as this one. I wish I used my voice. I am never going back there! I really appreciate you for reading this and thank you 🙏🏼💚.

I have an obsession that I secretly have undiagnosed autism and that everyone can tell there is something off or weird about me. If you have Tiktok, you probably know that people on it like to talk about mental health a lot. Because of that, whenever I see a video on signs of autism, for example, I always force myself to watch it, to make sure I don’t have the things named. Obviously, watching them makes the algorithm recommend them to me more. This is incredibly frustrating and distressing. It makes my social anxiety a hundred times worse because I’m worried that I act autistic around people. I’ve never felt like I was different or “alien” before this, but this obsession and these videos make me feel like I SHOULD be feeling this way and that I’m not noticing something obvious. I’m trying so fucking hard to tell the difference between what is a real a symptom and what is not. If you’re autistic, I’m really sorry if this offended you. I just needed to get this off my chest. Can anyone with mental health obsessions also relate?

I dealt with soocd about 3 years ago for a few months, then it went away and didn’t come back until right before I left for college. Which after looking into it, it makes sense for it to come back when a big change in life happens. With that being said me and my boyfriend have been together for almost 2 years. And right before I left for college, I developed rocd with my hocd. It’s taken over me completely and made my life miserable. Before we officially left for college I would check to see if it still “felt right” when we kissed, or would see if I was forcing myself to kiss him. And after battling with rocd for this long it has me fully convinced I need to break up, but I don’t want to. I love this guy. Before all of this we had a plan for long distance, and we had dates scheduled to see eachother, and I would bet money I’d marry this guy. I’d never fallen in love with someone like this. This rocd is killing me now though. Thoughts flood my kind constantly. I cant catch a break. I feel sick all the time. And I spend my days trying to sleep it off, or googling rocd stuff all day long. I don’t want to lose this battle. I love my boyfriend. My subtopics have changed during rocd, and some triggers don’t bother me as much as they used to. But I feel extreme guilt and feel like I need to tell my partner everything. Which I have and I’m so grateful he still loves me and supports me. But I’m just a mess. I never get my mind back, and I cry all the time. When will this end? Will j ever be happy with him again? I feel so hopeless. And I just love my boyfriend. I feel like certain times throughout the day it comes and goes and gets worse or better. Can someone please help me. I do not want to lose my relationship, I just want my old life back.

Hi everyone, I hope you’re all doing well. I wanted to make a post because last night and today are borderline unbearable. I got triggered by something last night and had the worst physical urges and intrusive thoughts in a long while. I’m also scared because I usually can revert back to my original feelings before my ocd after a while, but today I can’t and it’s scaring me. I’m worried this means I’m accepting what ocd is telling me and it’s scaring the life out of me. The pit of my stomach has been heavy all day long and I’m on the verge of tears. I’m not sure if you can private message on here, but I would really appreciate some chatting or support from people who have had similar experiences because I feel so alone and helpless. I feel like I’m doomed and I’ll never get out. I never wanted this but my ocd tells me I do because I’ve had this theme for so long but I feel like my values are fading and I’m so scared. I’m not sure what to do and I have nobody else to talk about it. If anyone can talk about it or similar experiences, please do. Thank you

im giving up in socd it feel so real

I have never dealt with severe depression like this, I feel really hopeless and scared, I can't imagine a future out of all my mental health issues and I can't imagine being healthy and happy. The last 3/4 years I feel like I've done nothing but avoid things that are challenging and his at home every day because of my mental health and now it's all hitting me so hard that I'm so unhappy with my life and ick how to push through feeling so bad I can't even eat. I don’t even feel like I want to hurt myself but my will to live also feels so low. I hate feeling like I’m so trapped in a mental health cycle that nothing can break it

I’m freaking out guys. My thoughts are statements… like they’re “I am” now and I’m freaking out!’ Please help me someone please!

I should probably give a bit of a back story 1st: I am a 41 y/o Momma of 4 absolutely beautiful kiddos ages 22(g), 18(b), 7(b), and 6(g) sadly that's going through a separation/divorce from their dad, and after 24 years together & 23 years married (2 separations of 2½years each in there which ended 10 years ago) I am having the worst time dealing with this. I need to find a way to make these days of watching me live out my entire life inmy head. I'm going over all the good and bad moments, mistakes & regrets replaying everything, even the life without him for years before we met & then during separations previously. So I've made a lot of bad choices and surprisingly have lived a very full life in such a short amount of time. I want all of the thoughts to stop and I need help. I have done meditation and all I can think of but now I'm in such a bad state of mind and my depression is so bad, my overthinking is so so so bad and i can't make it stop.

Hi everyone, thanks for reading. My main theme I struggle with is ROCD, but there’s a lot of real event ocd that fuels it. Pretty much, I’ve been obsessing for almost a year now over an event that happened almost 10 years ago, in which where my partner didn’t treat me very good. I’ve never cared about this before, kinda just let it go as unfortunate, but didn’t care in the grand scheme of things. But last year my OCD latched onto and now it won’t let it go. I feel so much anger and resentment towards my partner for this, and it feels like such a big deal and that I will never get over it. Because it was an event that hurt me, it seems so much harder to let go of, since there is so much feeling involved. I feel anger towards him doing it, and as well as depression that something he did is now making me seek therapy, even if it’s OCD therapy. I’ve done ERP, and yet the obsession and feelings stay. I am just so scared that I will never be able to get over this, and I will feel anger and depression towards him forever. I hate feeling this way, but it just feels like such a big deal and I can’t seem to get over it. Has anybody had an obsession that latched into something negative your partner did to you? Any tips? Thanks

CW: fears of bigotry - I would feel absolutely horrible if I made anyone feel uncomfortable. I have no intention of minimizing the genuine trauma and injustice of oppressive systems. I beg of you not to read this if you might be insulted, and I apologize in advance for any potential harm my honesty might cause. I really hope it doesn’t. Also CW for anxiety about worthlessness/stupidity and lying/exaggerating diagnosis. Hey everyone. I want to start by saying that, if you’re only logging on for a few minutes, you don’t need to prioritize my post. I know many folks on here are in crisis and don’t have much of a support system, and I believe they need and deserve responses before I do. (I have a therapist and supportive family.) But I’ve been afraid to post on here for a few months now, and I’m finally doing it, though I don’t really know why, because it feels futile + wrong. I’m so terrified that I’m a worthless person in every way. I feel like I’m a disgusting bigot. I have horrible racist thoughts and I know I’m not sufficiently disturbed by them. I was diagnosed with OCD, but I feel like I’m just using this as an excuse when I am, in truth, an unforgivable monster. I’ve had therapists tell me that, if I was truly who I think and fear I am, I wouldn’t be so disturbed by my thoughts, but I just don’t believe that’s true, even if I wish it were. I know that these beliefs are evil because of the environment I grew up in, but wanting to be anti-oppressive doesn’t necessarily mean one is; anybody can hold bigoted beliefs, even if they don’t like them, and I feel I must pay attention to them and suffer as a result. I’m currently on leave from college and I know I’m going to have to go back because that’s what my parents want, but I truly feel I am a horrible person and I don’t deserve success or happiness. I feel I should suffer in perpetuity and be isolated from society; otherwise, I may forget how diabolical I truly am. I feel terrified that I’m exaggerating my suffering; that I’m not depressed or anxious enough and that I’m too easily getting through the day, which a good person with these thoughts or a truly mentally ill person never could, but that I’m not even afraid enough of being a liar. I need to be a good person and do the right thing, but I’m being forced into treatment, which I know is a privilege; however, I fear it will desensitize me from my horribleness, thereby making me even worse. I’ve tried so hard to believe I’m not this awful person, because I desperately don’t want to be, but I can’t delude myself when the evidence is overwhelming. I know that if these were just intrusive thoughts, I wouldn’t have the right ones sometimes and the wrong ones in other situations; I wouldn’t be able to so easily move past them, and there wouldn’t be exceptions to my horrible beliefs. I also know that I am a worthless person in other ways. I am so stupid, incompetent, and irresponsible. I don’t even know how to navigate getting around my city despite being 20, I lack common sense and basic knowledge - I am a horrible human being and I feel like I lied to myself for my whole life.

It’s getting so bad I have thought about suicide. This is the worst most torturous disease to have when your mind eats away at itself and makes you feel like a monster I know I probably need to see an OCD therapist but I’m also really worried about disclosing my pocd in case I’m misunderstood. I’d rather die than hurt a child Has anyone recovered from this theme without therapy?

I believe have developed it. I’ve been thinking for hours at a time whether or not we are real. Whether I am real and no one else is. That I’m alone. This has given me episodes where I feel like I’m losing my insanity. It hasn’t been as bad as my ROCD but yesterday at my girlfriends house, I was playing with her cat and the cat wasn’t scratching me as she usually does. I started freaking out because she seemed not attracted to my girlfriend. So I started being rough with the cat so that she would bite me / scratch me. Finally she did and I went outside to talk with my girlfriend. It was a compulsion I assume but this seems like a very difficult subtype to deal with. I’m also scared it might develop into religious ocd besides the fact that I don’t really believe in a god. Get back with what advice you have, it is music appreciated:)

I know, that this is not the place for it, but on Saturday I ended my relationship, because my partner constantly put me on the back burner, no matter what, other things had always been more important to him and, when I complained about it, he stopped talking to me for a day and last time, he turned very emotionally cold and distant and didn't snap out of it again (that was only last week, but still.) I seem to always end up with guys, even though they look different and seem very different in general, the always declare how much they love me, but then turn to treat me like shit. I suffer from OCD, depression and anxiety and additionally to that I have no friends (no one I can call now, where I could pour my heart out)... and no partner anymore, not that he had been much of a partner anyway... It seems, the deeper I get, the more of me hits the ground, the more kicks life takes at me. Does pain attract pain? Do the people who suffer most magnetically pull more pain towards them? I have no idea what to do... I started ERP therapy last week and the little number of people I had is getting even smaller and smaller... I'm not suicidal, I'm just so utterly lost.

Sometimes I remember how badly I used to want kids and my heart breaks. As a kid I used to think about it on the daily I loved kids and babies to me they were so beautiful and funny and joyful and now they’re just scary

It’s what if after what if. Existential stuff. What if the way I perceive the world is different from how the rest of the world sees the world. What if my feelings aren’t real? What if everything is an illusion? What if these new thoughts are how things actually are? What is even “right” or “true”…? Why are things the way they are? Why are people the way they are? I didn’t start having thoughts like these until I dated someone who was unlike anyone I’d ever known. He was abusive, manipulative, delusional, overly philosophical and biblical, and didn’t make much sense. The way he viewed the world and people was so off and so wrong and disturbing. He definitely had mental illness and I spent so much time racking my brain trying to understand why he is the way he is that I’ve become obsessed over what is even real and what makes things “ok” or “right”… I know it sounds silly but it is MADDENING and I just want to go back to being happy and blissfully unaware. Life and people and things just seem soooo complicated and scary and NOTHING makes sense. Help. Can anyone relate?

hi everyone! i wanted to ask if anyone has any experience with medication? i’ve been having a very rough few weeks with anxiety (along with s*icidal ideation) and the depression ruts i fall into are horrible. if i’m not actively panicking, i feel numb and hopeless. does medication seem like a good idea? i’m hesitant because i’m pretty young (21) and my dad (who suffers from chronic depression and likely many other things) is heavily medicated himself and has tried leading me away from it. i’m trying to hold out but i don’t know how long i can keep doing this. i’m barely functioning as is and i know i’m scaring the people around me. is it worth the risk?

I think I just got MASSIVE trigger and I have no freaking ideia what to do. I just wanna disappear. !!: I'm gay and I struggle with the fear pf being straight or bi.

Why do I feel like such a coward?

I've been doing more "surprise" exposures (like just watching TikToks and if I see a trigger, I try to just watch it and move on like normal) and I'm running into the issue of: now I'm having more intrusive thoughts, and they feel more sticky than they did *before* the exposures. I ask because I don't have access to a therapist to guide me on this, but is this common? It isn't a backdoor spike because I'm, quite frankly, not managing my OCD that well yet to have that happen. I have absolutely seen progress in myself, but I'm really hitting a wall and it feels like I'm getting stuck - and I hate it. Especially while I'm doing everything on my own because I don't want to live like this anymore. :/

I keep having intrusive thoughts about breathing and fainting