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My depression has gotten a lot worse. I told my partner everything. (He is leaving for a few days) I told him I am unhappy and how even if he is gone I am still gonna be bothered by my family. I told him I never am relaxed mentally and how even if I am physically relaxed I am mentally not. I can’t stop thinking, I can’t deal with anyones stress. I told him I thought about leaving for a couple of days but I can’t leave him here with my family since he would have to hear kids scream and people yelling. Also bc we have cats.. so I can’t honestly just leave and be alone for a few days. I remember the roommates we had before left me alone when my partner would go leave to hang out with his friends for a couple of days and I was able to relax. I just wanna drink or need something to cope to help me relax… I can’t stand it! I am convinced I am never gonna be able to enjoys life at all and live freely like I want. I am always doing things for other people and I never feel like I am appreciated at all for things I do for them. I just honestly wanna just drink until I pass out… I am that unhappy with everything in my life…

My OCD is both so much better and so much worse than it was before. I feel no anxiety and I feel yet I feel like I'm looking through a fractured pane of glass at my own life. It feels wrong. Being gay feels wrong, being straight feels wrong, and being bi feels wrong. Being trans feels wrong, being cis feels wrong, being non-binary feels wrong. Everything I do feels wrong, everything I feel seems wrong. But none of it makes me feel anxious. Just sad, and broken.

i was raised christian, and i always followed without any doubt until i was around 13 or 14, which was when my anxiety and mental health issues began to get bad. it was around this time when i was literally beginning to lose touch with reality (derealisation) that i began really distant with my religion, and it just never really repaired. i have a (fairly) normal perception on reality now, with bouts of depersonalisation and derealisatuon coming every now and again, but i now instead struggle immensely with depression, anxiety, possible ocd, loneliness and just a general feeling of stress, emptiness and suicidal tendencies. I always felt neglected by God and as much as i try and pray and reach out i just don’t seem to get a response. i’m worried and scared because i’m kind of afraid of God, not just in christianity, but in all abrahamic religions. I fear that because i’m not close with God i’m going to be banished to hell. I also try and heal myself using various methods like healing frequencies and subliminals (whether they work is another debate, but they’re really my only option) because i don’t tend to feel listened to or wanted when i pray, but im scared that those are sins too and that i’ll be banished. im also scared that even if i do figure things out at some point, how do I know if im following the right religion? there’s so many out there. I worry that i have committed the unforgivable sin, and i also feel really guilty about how restricted and afraid christianity makes me feel. i feel like i’m trying to follow the religion out of fear, instead of love, and that makes me feel so guilty. A lot of the time, i experience random moments of insane luck, which makes me feel blessed by God, but at the same i still struggle to actually feel his presence and i doubt if he’s really there. I don’t think I actually like being a christian to be honest, i would rather pray and have a genuine connection filled with love and understanding with God/a higher power without all the rules, fear mongering, and other factors like the devil, sin, original sin etc. i even feel anxious just saying that

“Casting the whole of your care ( all your anxieties, all your worries, all your doubts) on him, for her cares for you affectionately and cares about you watchfully” (1 Peter 5:7) Lord I pray you help me gracefully give you all my worries, doubts, fears, and concerns. Fill my my mind with your Holy Spirit, help change me to become the person you want me to be. Thank you for forgiving all of my sins and making me new. Please guide my heart and mind, I pray you teach me how to react to my ocd properly and kindly. Give me the strength to live a happy life full of uncertainty. Teach me your strong loving ways. In Jesus name I pray, amen This is something that helps me and I hope it helps you, when I begin to spiral or just need hope and strength I pray. If you aren’t a believer in Jesus, that’s ok. I encourage you to cast the whole of your care on to him.

I took medication (Prozac) for about 2 months in the past, but it wasn’t long enough to fully know if it was actually effective. Since then my OCD has gotten a lot worse, but I feel a little shame at the idea that I might need medication again. Can anyone let me know if medication was helpful for you? And what were some of the positive and negative impacts it had on your OCD and you in general?

It is difficult. It is very difficult to simply be okay with intrusive thoughts coming in ON TOP of “what if” scenarios regarding people shunning you out of society for misunderstanding the reason behind fixation on these thoughts. Yet, no logic. There’s no logic or reasoning with this lil’ gremlin in our head.

Can someone listen to what's going on with me

For the past 3-4 weeks I’ve had this feeling like I’ve somehow given birth and cannibalized or took a bit out of the baby I just had, crushed it’s body up, and flushed the evidence down the toilet. I’ve tried going to the police station to tell them (I don’t know how they would look through the septic system or something to find the evidence), but my mom and grandmother (who I live with) always stop me from going. For the past year I’ve been beyond terrified to be alone so I literally have to be with someone every second of the day every day since last august, and now I really believe I’ve murdered and killed my own baby and gotten rid of any evidence. I was diagnosed with OCD by a psychologist and psychiatrist last year but Im not sure if that is what I have. It’s all so satanic and all I want to do is die as soon as possible. I’m not sure if this would qualify as psychosis or just that I literally am a baby murderer/cannibal. Im sorry for this disturbing post but I have to let it out.

Like you have some memories of a hook up but forgot some stuff And then your brain is like “what if (you did this bad thing) and then your brain makes it fit and it is so scary and feels true even though you didn’t have any memories about that…. And now it just feels real but you think it may just be a doubt but it may also be true and now you don’t trust any of your memories and are terrified that you hurt someone and it feels like you might throw up and die And you have so many gaps it’s all just a big ball of uncertainty and scary thoughts and you think if it’s true you are a very bad person

We have some big news: NOCD Therapy is now in network with most major insurance providers! Starting this month, Empire Blue Cross Blue Shield is joining the list of insurance providers making effective, OCD treatment easy to access. This will give 3.8 million more Americans access to insurance-backed exposure and response prevention (ERP) therapy for OCD. Insurance coverage is a game-changer—just a few years ago, it was often challenging for anyone to find an OCD specialist who accepted their insurance. NOCD’s dedication to partnering with national and regional insurance providers is driving change. With Empire joining Aetna, Cigna, UnitedHealthcare, Humana, other Blue Cross Blue Shield plans, and many other providers in the NOCD Therapy network, about 2 in 3 Americans can access NOCD Therapy through their insurance benefits. Is NOCD Therapy a covered benefit under your insurance plan? Check here to see if you're covered: https://learn.nocd.com/insurance-check-post

I recently went out this weekend for the first time in like a year. It’s my first time getting drunk at a bar without my husband around. I don’t remember part of the night. Looking at my bank statements things started getting blurry for me around 1, and the Uber was called at 1:43. I remember everything before 1 AM as I wasn’t drinking too heavily. Both of the people that I with absolutely promise that I didn’t do anything wrong. When I get drunk im super talkative and compliment everyone. I remember specifically complimenting a male about his tshirt and I didn’t mean it in a flirty way, I’m always just trying to be nice. The next morning I woke up and my first thought was to ask everyone I was with if I cheated. They all said no, but now I’m like “what if I went to the bathroom and did something??” “What if I kissed someone when no one was looking?!” I remember going to the bathroom, but I was pretty sober at that point. I also tell myself that if I would’ve taken a male in the bathroom someone would’ve stopped me at the door. I don’t know what to do. These thoughts even feel debilitating at times. Why do I feel like I cheated? Why do I feel like this if I didn’t? I feel like the worlds worst wife and mother. I feel like I deserve nothing good and I look at my husband and I want to cry. There’s no proof that I did anything. I’ve even thought about contacting the bar and asking to see the video footage. I know that’s super unnecessary. I need help. I don’t know why I feel like this. Both of the girls I was with said no I didn’t do anything. Even blacked out drunk I remembered to text my husband and say goodnight I love you. Could it just be guilt of me going out for the first time without him? Could I just be making false memories cause I remember speaking to the guy about his tshirt?

Ever since my intrusive thoughts came back I been on edge. I don’t know how to explain to my current boyfriend about my OCD. We been together for like a month. I don’t want him to see this side of me so I want to break up with him. I feel like I can’t give him my full attention because of ruminating. Also the fact that I feel like I’m hiding a part of me and I feel guilt. POCD thoughts and SA intrusive thoughts make me feel like I’m a p word or an r word. OCD makes me feel like I could never be in a relationship or keep friendships. Ruminating is so hard to stop.

Hello Everyone. Its been almost a few months since I made my last post here. I left because NOCD didn't serve me anymore but I've been Getting questions on reddit about my recovery and life after SO-OCD. Its pretty understandable since most people want to know what it's like and what thoughts are like. This is for anyone of any sexual orientation going through this. 1. Are the thoughts really gone? yes and no. There are times where they will pop up once in a while (literally like every once in a blue moon). I just know that they're not true because I know myself lol. I never had thoughts before it all happened so it was more easier to control them now. 2. What about compulsions and obsessions? Honestly they calmed down during ERP. I really don't do them anymore (searching on reddit, looking up articles, etc.) Literally a year ago, I was watching videos, reading comments, HOCD articles, NOCD, etc. Now, I don't do that anymore :) 3. Did you get a OCD therapist? No, not on here since I already had one. 4. Okay....but did you talk to your therapist about it? No, I was too scared to talk about it and decided to do this alone (please get professional help if you can! Some people prefer to do ERP alone or with a OCD therapist. Totally up to you!) Looking back on it, I wish I did but I am proud I did this all by myself. 5. So what was your ERP? Identify triggers and why the thoughts were harming me. If I came across triggering media, I would let my thoughts sit there. You have no idea how much that worked wonders for me lol. At first, it was scary and it sucked but I told myself its okay to feel uncomfortable it will get better over time. (Like riding a bike or going to the gym - you're not going to see instant results - recovery will take time). Afterwards, I was like "oh, it wasn't that bad, I don't know why I'm letting these thoughts get to me" 6. Are you bisexual? - I get this one a lot and no. There is nothing wrong with being bisexual. If I am bisexual, that's cool. 7. (this is more of a recent one) You went through pride month, did anything trigger you? Nope! Actually, I went to a pride event to support someone and had a lot of fun! I didn't really think about it at all until somebody asked me this like 3 weeks ago. 8. Do you have crushes on the opposite now? Yes. 9. Are you coming back to NOCD/Reddit? Maybe reddit but yes to NOCD I like this community better. 10. Do you think SO-OCD is real? Yep, no matter what you label yourself as (Straight, Bisexual, Gay, Lesbian) you can have SO-OCD. It really does suck. I hope this doesn't consider as reassurance because I thought I would share life after acute SO-OCD so people know that there is a recovery if you do the work. I still struggle with OCD but now I know there is a chance of recovery no matter what.

Just coming on here to say I have no more intrusive ROCD thoughts about my relationship for a while now😊😍 the only thing that has helped me has been going completely cold Turkey - no compulsions , I limited my phone use to just texting and answering calls but NO going on google and reading articles and every time ANY negative thought came to my head about my relationship I blocked it out straight away by closing my eyes and visioning an object or anything that takes my focus off it- it would still linger in my head but I just forced myself to view it as white noise - even those ‘what if I’m ignoring a non ocd thought’ I forced myself to block those out to and label them as ocd . It was extremely difficult at first! I’m not going to lie , but what motivated me to go cold turkey was a comment my NOCD therapist said that stuck with me : “if someone with ocd just ignored their ocd thoughts completely for a couple of weeks, their ocd would go away because they would break the brain pattern ‘. I decided what have I got to lose ? I had been struggling with ocd for nearly 3 years and nothing I was doing was helping I was just spiralling! So I was really strong and I’ve never felt better ! Every relationship is truly different and unique and I promise you you do not and cannot mathematically or rationally figure out your relationship . Love IS a choice ! I’m happy in my relationship , we still argue sometimes , I still have small doubts just like everyone else in a relationship does , but the doubts are small and passing they do not consume every minute of the day and I feel much closer to my boyfriend then ever before, the love had grown a lot because I was sabotaging a lot of the intimacy and closeness we could of had before with my anxiety. Love takes work, love grows if you want it to, good luck all😊❤️

I just read a whole article on not ruminating and I'm totally lost. I asked my husband to read it and explain it to me and he's just as lost as I am.

hi everyone. i know this is ocd, so i’m not wanting any reassurance or anything like that, i just don’t know how to stop these thoughts and am looking for advice. i used to have harm ocd but haven’t in awhile. this morning i was praying and i said a prayer for my little brother who starts high school today and then in the middle of my prayer an intrusive thought came in about something horrible happening to the school and kids at school. and it was intruding in my prayer, acting as if i was praying for that to happen. it caused me so much distress. i know i would never want that to happen and i know that this is ocd, but i don’t know how to stop the thoughts. i just want to be able to say my morning prayer in peace without feeling like a bad person who is requesting bad things. anyone have any advice?

How are you?

So recently I had a baby, about 5 days ago had a membrane sweep doctor did ask if I wanted one but I had no knowledge on it and what it could do to my baby also had no idea it was a form of induction for baby. I had cancelled my original induction so I don’t know why she would ask me if I wanted one. It did work I believe and am now regretting having it done I am a big person of faith and God and feel like I set my own baby’s birthdate. I feel like I intervened in baby’s timing. I’m horrible I don’t know if it’s my OCD tricking me because I feel like it’s worse that her birthdate landed on August 4th and my dad who passed away 3 years ago Birthday whos was February 4th. I’m not sure if I’m entering a psychosis I’m very scared. My baby needs me.

Ever since I got together with my BF it has felt unreal to me that we are together. I know that we are but it doesn’t feel real. I’m 20 & so is he. I have always had relationships with men & had crushes on men. Him and I have been talking for 3 years & together for 1. We met in person last year. A few months ago about 5-6 I’ve been having a lot of questioning my sexuality thoughts, thinking I’m bi/les , or questioning if there is something wrong with me maybe it’s just him, or what if he’s just not the one or I’m not into him and it makes me feel/ think I could be bi/les. I care about him & I love him and this is all scary to me and I cannot figure it out: Quick background info: When I was way younger I remember exploring sexually with girls and I liked it it felt good but I’ve never necessarily had a crush on a girl, see myself dating one , or marrying one. But whenever I watch les p!0rn I get turned on by it and I imagine doing stuff with a girl just seeing it turns me on. I feel like right now I would wanna do sexual things with a girl because it would feel good. I keep thinking thinking what if I actually do want to be with a girl romantically & I keep imagining myself romantically / married or if I could marry a girl but I just can’t. I’m FREAKED out. I feel lost, I feel scared, I feel conflicted, I feel that I need to figure this out & solve it. How do I know if this is OCD or an actual thing that isn’t OCD. How do I differentiate? I keep thinking maybe I’m asexual. He’s my first ever serious relationship that could potentially lead to marriage and I’m also scared about how do I know he’s the right one? What if he’s not the right one? What if I’m lesbian? Then what? I’m SO SCARED I never experienced this before it’s so new to me and I keep thinking about how weird and different it is to have a man and do everything with them. Whenever I’m with him I constantly question if its all real / normal and it all just feels weird and idk why! He is an amazing guy!

Something uncomfortable just happened, I was watching a video and at one point there was a person who looked like my ex, at first the thought didn't bother me but then I started to get the feeling that I was being unfaithful just because I thought the person looked like her and then I started replaying the same part of the video countless times in an attempt to make sure everything was okay and that thought didn't mean anything. I don't even think this compulsion makes sense, but I don't know, nothing in OCD makes sense. I feel so bad that I didn't have the strength to resist this compulsion 😓