Welcome to
the NOCD Community

I wanna get better from both, but I'm scared if I do, I won't be able to believe I ever went through such horrible experiences. Like I'd change.

Im having feelings that feel so real like some sort of buterflies in my chest and stomach that make me think that Im actually gay , and whats worse is that they come randomly .

Has anyone found any success in developing a new habit. Like a new cleaning routine or something like that? While it is true that for some OCD causes them to excessively clean, mine does the exact opposite. It makes it nearly impossible for me to get started bc my anxiety is so bad. I have low energy and even the smallest tasks cause me to feel overwhelmed. And then when I think of the sheer magnitude of all that needs to be done in my house I feel hopeless and paralyzed, which causes me to feel even more tired. It feels impossible

Does your OCD get worse during your period? I usually hear that OCD can get worse shortly before the period (PMS/PMDD), but my mental health declines rapidly DURING my period. Does anyone else experience the same?

Does it happen to you that your brain isn't satisfied no matter what now? I know I am straight, I am calm for a bit, love moments with my bf and then it starts ruminating that what if I choose to become lesbian one day (I start analyzing a lot why other girls became lesbians later in life, so I guess that is keeping this loop and making me get into their skin). And then I think up scenarios with a girl, there is almost no anxiety (mostly I wish I would be more disgusted, but disgust is almost gone, however there's no feeling like I want that as well), but I know I am not interested in girls and don't want that, and then I cry why do I even have these thoughts. I know it started as HOCD + ROCD, but I am just a mess now and don't know what to do. I definitely know that I don't want to be a lesbian and loose my awesome boyfriend. My brain is just destroyed now.

I've been posting on here a lot. I've just been feeling to much. It's hard facing everything I am mentally and emotionally and not having any form of being able to validate my experience through professional and medical assessment. I feel guilty for saying I struggle with certain mentally illnesses when I don't have the access to prove it. I can confidently say I know I have depression because every single symptom fits. With OCD, it's different. Every time I come on here I don't say "OCD" I say, intrusive whatever-it-may-be (sensation, thought, etc.) I know the cycle of how it goes, and before, I could confidently say I went through the trigger, obsession, compulsion, temporary relief cycle. Now, I feel like I just accept everything and skip the compulsion part, but sometimes I just wonder if I'm too emotionally exhausted or simply don't recognize the compulsion. To be honest, I don't really know what is considered or constitutes a compulsion. With depression, I am numb, exhausted, angry, sad, lost, energy-less, lacking motivation, wanting to do things but feeling like I'm being weighed down, lonely, sleepless, aching, and more I can't describe and lack the words or current proper thought to describe. With these intrusive anythings, I feel panicked, uncomfortable, confused, worried, anxious, constantly overthinking, scared, tired, like I'm constantly trying to prove myself to myself: my thoughts, morals, relationship goals/feelings, sexuality, etc. I can't find the words to explain this one either. They are both gruesome and make me feel like sh*t. They ruin me. Sometimes, I don't recognize just how much they weigh me down and hold me back. A lot of the time, I feel guilty for thinking that such things hold me back when other people probably face 1000× worse and push through and succeed and everything. It's hard to lose myself to depression, and have the remaining parts be thrown in to question by intrusive thoughts or whatever. I am simultaneously numb and feel too much. I wish I could feel too much about the things I am numb towards and feel numb about the things I feel too much towards. I feel so lost and hurt and I don't know what to do. I want to help myself...I don't know how to help myself. I also get scared of me without feeling like this because then I wonder who I am. I don't expect anyone to read this. I am very glad I have a place to write this all down though.

Something I’ve noticed that I don’t think started happening until after my ocd began to spiral is that I am afraid to draw more. Which is funny, since I’m going into animation for college. What I mean is I’ll go through major spurts of drawing, but then if I miss a day, I’m suddenly too afraid to start it up again and have to muster up the strength to put the pencil down. I fear that if I draw again it won’t be as good, or that it won’t turn out how I want. All this overthinking really hinders my abilities. Hopefully, with the help of zoloft, I can draw without thinking again and just enjoy it like I used to.

Hey. I suffer from real event ocd. But for the past couple of months it's been really bad. It's because of things that i did between the age of 12 and 17 roughly. I'm 20 now. And i feel like these things are really really horrible. I absolutely despise my past self. And i feel like i want to tell people. But i also know that people would hate me and think I'm disgusting if they knew about these things? How am i ever supposed to trust or be loved? I feel like everybody will forever see me as this disgusting person because of things i thought, did and felt. Because obviously the people I like never did such things. So why would they want somebody in their lives who actually did? I've been feeling like this for years. But it'll never go away. Because i actually DID these things. And people WILL despise me. Even if my ocd got cured somehow, that won't change anything about the facts. I don't want to hurt myself or end my life. I really don't. But sometimes this option feels better, than forever living alone, without ever being loved or able to enjoy anything...

Hey guys need some support, have a serious life decision coming up and ocd is rearing it’s head. I’m down bad and seriously considering ending it all. I just could use some support.

I do not even know what’s going on in my head at the moment everything feels so busy up there I can’t even think straight. I’ve struggled with ROCD for my entire relationship. It’s switched around from being linked to SOOCD and just simply thinking I’ve lost feelings for my partner. He is great and the kindest person but I’m struggling to feel any connection when I’m so concerned with my OCD. I can’t remember the last day it didn’t ruin. What’s making it worse is he works a very demanding job where he travels and works long hours often across weekends too. I was made redundant and am job hunting atm meaning I have so much time with myself and my thoughts. 💔 it’s difficult spending so little time together, and when we do he’s exhausted and I’m an anxious mess. I speak openly with him about this but frame it in a more hypothetical way, I.e I’m scared I will lose feelings, rather than that I literally feel like I have lost feelings. Im really scared because as always it feels so real and I haven’t had much clarity recently. I also feel as if I’ve taken on such a caring role in our relationship, looking after him more so than he does me. I’ve always done this and it’s not something I complain about but I’ve got it in my head that I love him like I love my family or friends rather than in a romantic way. This thought is really bothering me at the moment as our intimacy has suffered due to my meds & his schedule. I’m so scared I’m experiencing another case of platonic love & that I’m just leading him on. I know my ocd mainly stems from me believing I’m a shitty person but I just want to be present and enjoy life. I’m just so confused.

I am horrified. One of my worst fears is possible. Whether it is true - I don't know. How possible it is - I don't know. But I have proof to confirm it is possible. The fear that is actually possible is about harm coming to other people. To make sure this possibility is erased and no harm comes to those people, I should report to the police. But if I do report, I believe I'll go to jail because I'll have to share how I know this fear is possible (and I know due to something I was told during a real event in my life about which I have OCD - and I believe in that event I committed a serious crime, at least I'm afraid that's the case). I'm stuck. If I don't report the actual possibility of harm, people may be harmed, that possibility will continue to exist and I will feel guilty, scared and ashamed forever. If I do report, however, I believe I'll go to jail (due to the connection to the real event about which I have OCD - the event which I fear is a crime by me) and suffer forever. Please help me. It's agony.

Hi friends I haven’t posted in a while which is perhaps a good thing haha. I live in an apartment with 3 other girls who I’ve known for many months now since we are all at the same school, and they left for summer break but I still live here. I dropped a spoon on the kitchen counter and licked the spoon cause it had some ice cream on it. Then I had an intrusive thought: “what if there was cocaine on the counter and I just licked it?? Now I can’t take my meds (birth control for hormones, Zoloft for ocd) cause I’m worried that it could react with the cocaine that may or may not be there even though I don’t do drugs and my roommates have been gone for just under a month.” Any suggestions on how I can set this aside so I don’t have to skip a day of meds cause I’m scared?

I’m just so sad that it will never be the same again. No more fun without this constant doubt in my head. No more enjoyment without ocd... I don’t think I’ll ever be as doubt free as before.😣

Worried my emotional connection is gone with my partner…

i have a big exam on thursday and i havent started yet. i have to study a LOT but i cant focus. any tips? i would really appreciate it

Hi all. I hope you're doing well today. For context, I'm 17 (about to turn 18 in like 6 months). I've had OCD symptoms for a while (it used to be primarily moral scurpulosity) but after trying in-person school again I because incredibly obsessed with COVID and contamination. I'm talking long showers, half and hour to an hour long cleaning sessions, being unable to sleep before school, etc. Since stopping in person school and staying home more, my compulsions havent really gone away. I still shower and wash my hands a lot, struggle with near constant anxiety over contamination. It has been super difficult to deal with. When I first noticed my contamination symptoms I thought that maybe the only silver lining in it (because we all know OCD is awful) would be that my parents would finally understand that my OCD is serious, because previously I had brought up my moral scurpulosity OCD (which I had been diagnosed with) and my parents literally laughed when I asked to see an OCD specialist. But it didnt turn out that way. My parents, mostly my mom, yell at me if they notice me doing "too many" visible compulsions. They put a lot of emphasis on me having to "act normal" in public, not necessarily my wellbeing. And by yell I mean scream at me for hours on end, followed by days of the silent treatment. They say horrible things to me, too, like how "they cant stand to look at me" and that I'm a "horrible daughter and sister." They also have said multiple times they will kick me out once Im 18. My mom also once said that "she just wanted a normal kid" when she was having me. It hurts so bad and sometimes it makes me cry so hard that I cant even sit up straight, so I'll end up on the floor crying. After 2-4 days things usually go back to "normal" and sometimes (emphasis on sometimes) my mom (never my dad) will apologize (but usually the apology is vague like "sorry for yelling"). But even when things are "normal" I am constantly jumpy and stressed out because I have to do my compulsions in secret, and I have the threat of another round of yelling hanging over my head if I get caught. My parents refuse to get me therapy because they dont believe in it. I really do not ever want to bring it up again because I know they will react with more screaming. I will have a doctors appointment soon (just a check up) and I feel so sad about it because I know I cant bring up my OCD with my doctor because he will talk to my mom and the screaming will start again. I wanted to post this because I was wondering if anyone had any tips? I am trying to plan for me to be fully independent by the time I'm 18. But I was wondering if people have any idea to cope with this? I'm just at a loss because I feel like my entire concept of "unconditional love" is shattered. And I also feel like this stress will be never ending, even though logically I know that one day I will be independent and on my own and just able to exist in my own space without being judged or yelled at.

Anyone adults here believe porn messed up their lives in comparison to before they watched it? That's the only worry I have in my life and I can't take it back due to how addicted I was to it many years ago. Its all a pain to deal with today

I read the article posted by NOCD about talk therapy not being the best for OCD due to trying to interpret the intrusions (and other things), saying ERP was best. But I’m used to talk therapy, and I appreciate it greatly. More importantly, I have a host of other issues (assuming OCD was diagnosed correctly) that do benefit from psychotherapy, or at least I’m certain they will. Depression, an anxiety that seems more like social anxiety than just OCD’s, family and culture issues, LGBT issues especially need to be talked with. (I’ve been prioritizing an LGBT specialist in my current search.) It makes me worry if I am sabotaging myself by seeking a non-OCD specialist. By not seeking ERP. I don’t know if my OCD is worse than the others/I should prioritize it. I go through long periods of time where I think I was misdiagnosed because I’m not showing any symptoms. My most pertinent issue has changed a lot as I’m in a transition stage of life, just moved living space, and am looking to do so again. My OCD symptoms have changed before as well, first being intrusion about hurting others, more recently being a kind of contamination-order combo that involves imagery. I’m sure that I don’t parse these symptoms perfectly. I’m sure I might say “so my depression makes me think this” and then say what is actually some OCD symptom, which is then dissected and challenged like a depression-induced cognitive distortion, which is counterproductive for OCD. With these issues that have seemingly contradictory cures, am I hurting myself in terms of OCD by seeking a talk therapist? I really just want someone to talk to a lot of the time. Recently anyways. Tagging health concern in case this triggers someone else with comorbidities. Don’t think this is my OCD talking here, I’m mildly concerned at most. - If I’m using the phrase “talk therapy” wrong, let me know. My CBT experience involved homework as well as talk, so I grouped it in. -

Trigger warning!!! 18+ only!!! Mentioning of POCD and paedophilia. I watched a show about different kinds of prisons today. In one prison they interviewed a man who worked as a tutor to get access to children in order to rape them. That man seemed to have no problem with what he did. He said he had a talent to convince the children he raped, that they wanted it, too. He seemed content and totally fine, apart from complaining to be in prison longer, than he got sentenced, because he is still deemed dangerous. I can't wrap my head around how someone who did something so horrible can be so calm and content and okay with the crimes he committed, where as I beat myself up and hate myself for having POCD... I deep down know, I am not a paedophile, I deep down know, I never harmed a child in any way, but my OCD makes me feel like the monster that guy is... I really could have smacked the smug expression off his face, so disgusted had I been by his demeanour... Calling it a "talent" to be able to manipulate children like that... becoming a tutor for the sole purpose of harming children... How is it possible, that OCD sufferers have a heightened conscience, where even only 0.00000001% doubt is unacceptable? Where we have a heightened feeling of responsibility, even for things we have no control over / we can't influence? And other people, like that guy, commit the most horrendous crimes possible and seem to have no bad conscience and seem to not even feel the tiniest bit of guilty? Don't get me wrong, I'd rather feel guilty and horrible for the rest of my life, than being someone like him, even if being like him would mean no bad feelings anymore, but just the fact, that I feel horrible and he doesn't, really upsets me. Rant over...

I’ve a memory and i can’t figure it out. Idk what was the situation and my emotions and stuff and I’ve been ruminating for it for the pas week.. for hours a day and now I am so tired that I can’t think and like it feels like i giving up and don’t fight, it feels like ocd is now telling me “see, you don’t think about it cause you are a monster”