Welcome to
the NOCD Community

I'm so so so tired y'all... My homa teacher just told me that soon schools might announce that first semester exams are gonna be on June 2 or 3. My midterm test just finished this month... And it was hell. Lots of tears.. And I did absolutely terrible in math.. And... Now Again I gotta go through it all. I'm so tired.. I mean it.. I'm so tired.. very tired. Ocd, exhaustion.. procrastination... studies..... I'm just so tired and scared

So basically me and my boyfriend was having you know what, and we haven’t done anything in like a month, and I really wanted too enjoy the moment with him, but each time we do anything I always have intrusive thoughts? or like scenario’s if that makes any sense, and each time this thought would come in i’d try too tell myself ocd please stop, or no intrusive thoughts over and over, and i did that each time it would come threw, and then it felt like in the moment when we was doing something i was trying too simply just focus on him made me think i like the thought or something but then again idk if i said no intrusive thoughts or anything like that, or was just annoyed. or that i said in my head just focus on him, and then i try too figure it out in my head too make it seem like it didn’t happen the way i’m thinking but when i do that i feel like i’m doing compulsions too make myself feel better, and then if i just sit with it and accept it as uncertainty or as it is makes me obsess over it for days and days and then something else will happen so i’d start obsessing over something new, and then with this situation now it’s making me think i intentionally thought about the intrusive thought again too like it or something, i’m just at the point too where i don’t know what too do because i simply just want too be focused on him, and the medication i’m on i can hardly feel the anxiety so it’s like just worry, idk i feel like a horrible person, and then he asked me if i was okay after because i was acting so worried, and asked if i had a thought and i said i might tell you later because i don’t want him too think i can’t enjoy him like that anymore because of these thoughts, not looking for reassurance just simply someone too relate too, and this isn’t the only theme i have, it’s just the one that’s really bad right now, i have like 4 other themes as well, I just have severe ocd and i’m so tired of this nonstop cycle. it’s getting old, sorry for such a long post but i’m just so tired.

How come there is so much more compassion for people with physical health issues, than for people with mental health issues? It makes me want to scream and yell at them, that I don't fake my issues, that they are debilitating and horrible to bear, even without the constant lack of understanding, consideration and support... and more over pressure and accusations make them so much worse... But I can't yell at them, because that would prove to them how crazy I am. When I complain, I'm the issue... I'm so tired of it... No one would look annoyedly at a man in a wheelchair, roll their eyes and say - Don't make such a fuss, just get up and walk up the stairs! Each single person who treats people with mental health issues like that should walk in our shoes, until they understand.

I feel so alone and I feel so annoying and that I don’t deserve anything good at all. I don’t know how to stop feeling like this, I think last night really triggered me because I am just so sad right now and I feel like a fraud and that I don’t deserve help or good things.

Anyone out there who is suffering from OCD and is eleven, and has contamination OCD? I want to talk to someone my age who understands what I’m going through!

My OCD literally takes everything from my past and uses it against me as proof of my theme… it’s very convincing too 😑

My false memory stems from somthing 16/17 years ago.. I was 12/13. And my mind is trying to convice me I touched another kid inappropriately. It doesn't focus on any particular act it just says I did and that's that. I guess if I can't figure out what I did then it never happened right? I guess that's what OCD does... tells you you're a bad person and won't elaborate further. I'm scared I might have done something.

So I fought off my compulsions for confessing for a whole month. But the anxiety was there non stop and me and my bf were fighting and it got heated and he brought up the guy. I told him I slept with this guy a year ago (we slept together 3 years ago but I told him last year) we started dating a year ago and I realized they were close so I told him. At the time he wanted to know everything, but I told him it was once. Cuz I didn’t want to hurt him more & I didn’t wanna lose the relationship. Not realizing he was a lot more understanding than I thought. He was BROKEN about it and he did almost dump me but then he didn’t. Well he brought him up and I said “well I slept with a few times and u got mad” and he was like wtf? A few times? I thought it was once. So I confessed it was 3 times. The convo became about that & how I lied to him. And how I’m a liar and then he dumped me. He cried and compared me to his ex who always lied to him (granted he lied to her too AND ME….?) he didn’t lie when we started to officially date but he did prior when we were on & off for 3 years. He was the perfect bf in that aspect but he still had things to work on.. and so did I. Well he dumped me because I lied and he said he didn’t even know who I was. He brought up another guy I told him about 4 fucking years ago and said did u lie about that too? And I said I don’t even remember but no it wasn’t once, CUZ I CANT FUCKING LIE DUDE MY OCD WILLL NOT LET ME LIE!!!!!! EVEN IF IT HURTS THE OTHER PERSON DUDE. But he holds that way up, he does not like it. Yet he has done a thousand times! Idk. He told me he wants me to leave me alone & we’re done. I feel relief by telling him, not only cuz of ocd but because I really didn’t like that he didn’t know, it sucked cuz I know how much he hates that I have lied. But now he is definitely done with me. He told me he doesn’t even know who I am anymore and that’s just that. Before this we always were fighting because he told me he doesn’t love me as much anymore & it’s ok that he lost feelings he still wants to be with me… and that he didn’t wanna post photos of us together and he always used to…. so that irked me too. We broke up 3 months ago and just got back together a month ago. We prob should’ve stayed broken up. Idk I feel hurt and broken but relief too… idk Im scared he’s really gone.

Do yall think derealization can develop to depersonalization? Cause its one thing for me to feel like im in a dream but its another for me to not even recognize myself… thats scarier to me. Today i came to a new location for my bfs family party so i dont know anyone except my bf and its a new town and i kept feeling like is this really happening rn…. Lol ugh i just wish i never had experienced derealization.

Today, I feel like I genuinely don't like him. At all. I've had every negative thought about him and it feels like I'm completely disinterested. It feels so genuine I'm scared it's true that's why I'm on here trying to make myself think I'm doing a compulsion to prove that it's not true. But I feel like it is.

I am not sure what to do I have a "friend" who has two university classes with me and we live in the same building. But she is just a hard person to get along with and constantly is manipulative I don't think she understands that she hurts people psychologically and mentally but I'm just so frustrated she also always plays the victim

I hope this isn’t insulting but I’m guessing because of a lack of cognitive empathy in young children with autism they might have trouble with social norms and the emotional cues and empathy that to go along with it at time (of course left untreated). I haven’t seen this with OCD and yet this is how I feel and it’s frustrating. Can’t understand living my life this way… I just want to Understand what to do

I just want to be normal and enjoy this time in my life. There I times I feel strong and like I have it under control and then in a split second I’m lost in thoughts and anxiety. Trying hard not to seek reassurance, avoidance or complete ERP but it’s hard. I feel alone because I feel like no one understands what it is to be scared of yourself to not trust yourself.

Do you ever question if what you said is really what you said or what others really said ? Or what you are doing? I think this is derealization where it doesn’t feel real or feels like im making it up. But it does scare me and make me wonder if im really even doing what im doing or saying. And sometimes i get scared im going to lose track of time .

What’s the difference between phobia and ocd

I posted awhile back that I had just moved into a really nice apartment and was there a week and pest control came and sprayed bug spray All over the carpet we had just moved in so there wasn’t really anything in there so he sprayed everywere the carpet was wet I panicked I shampooed the carpets for hours my bf took off work cause I was so upset I have an issue wit bug sprays and bombs and some cleaning products it’s like a phobia this bug spray I felt was everywere it helped a little bit that I shampooed but I just felt when we wlk on it from carpet to the floors that it was transferring to the floors and would transfer into the bed from our feet so then the bed was contaminated if you set something on the floor then on the counter it would transfer it was very exhausting I no there wasn’t anything rong wit the bug spray I no it’s safe to spray inside I no my bf wasn’t bothered by it so therefore I shouldn’t be bothered by it but I couldn’t get my brain to believe it it was like someone haveing a fear of hights and trying to get them to go up high somewere that nothing would happen everyone else is going up that it’s not that big of deal but it is to the person that has the fear I was so upset so tired everyday I couldn’t and didn’t want to do anything nothing got done in the apartment we had just moved in we didn’t bring anything else in everything staid the same for along time till months had gone by and I was trying to make the best of it but it was so hard bringing stuff in I could literally only do like 1 thing a week it’s been several months and finally the guy below us moved out and we were able to move into his place redoing our deposite and lease it was stressful comeing up wit more money to move but all my stuff was dirty to me and I didn’t want to bring that stuff into this new apartment so we put everything on the porch and I wiped everything off down to the cords we had 1 clear day then that weekend it rained all of our stuff got wet cause I had to leave it on the porch to not bring any dirty stuff in I eventually just threw shit away gave stuff away cause I couldn’t clean anymore I was getting overwhelmed it was so hard the guy left his bed and a table so we kept those so we didn’t have to bring in our bed which saved me alot of cleaning we also had stuff that had been sitting in storage we never brought to the apartment cause I was haveing such a difficult time bringing stuff inside so now we have our stuff from the storage unit I’ve cleaned everything and for the first time in months I’ve left the house I’ve gone to the store I’ve gone outside I’ve gone to do laundry when I was in the old apartment I probably left 4 times in 7 to 8 months I didn’t even go outside moveing downstairs has helped me feel better I tried getting help I’m on ssi and have tenncare noone accepts it we’re I live there’s not really anyone that understands ocd here I’ve been dealing wit ocd for years seen doctors therapist gone to hospitals I’ve gotten better but have learned ocd needs to be treated by ppl who understand that ocd needs to be treated wit exposure and response therapy which I had never even heard of and that all these years noone was realy helping me Unlearn these ocd rituals and habits and I’ve always been weiry of getting help cause I had no idea wat they could’ve done to help cause noone ever has helped I’ve also learned there’s not alot of ppl trained in treating ocd alotof doctors don’t understand it and I just want to see a doctor that’ll listen to all my problems and prescribe me the rite medications not just give me an antidepressant and that’s it I want to do therapy wit an ocd therapist I make 560 a month and can’t afford to pay therapist 100 something a week for session I’ve also been struggling wit showering rituals that I’ve been doing for years have just been so hard the contamination ocd has been so hard it makes showering hard my bf helps me wash my hair cause for a couple years I literally showered a couple times a year I have noone that realy understands ocd and the stuff that comes wit it I’m up late always on my phone I’m always stressed and tired I’m always thinking bout wat I’ve got to do next I gotta chnahe my clothes I gotta shower I gotta shave I gotta pluck my eyebrows and noing it’s hard for me to do any of those things cause of the rituals even if they don’t take long it’s just aggravating I just wanna wash my hair by myself and also do it like a normal person I’m greatful to be in this new apartment that’s took alot of stress off of me I just want and need support someone to tlk to that understands me and the laying in bed all the time being on your phone all the time scared to lay down the nite terrors the stress the anxiety the panick attacks I’ve got ppl in my life that think I can just do things and tell myself these important things need to be done cause there important and just be able to do them but I’ve not gone to court for my insurance ticket i stopped going to my suboxene doctor I missed Christmas and new year my bf birthday I’ve not done anything I’ve not washed my own hair I’ve not been able to shave and pluck my eyebrows and those are important to me but I just can’t make myself do them I just need atleast a free support group that’s not early I’m up so late and ppl shit tlk me but I don’t want to get off my phone and lay down i just hope nocd will accept my insurance so I can do over the phone sessions!!

I think I have P-OCD. I am scared to be around children, particularly girls. This hasn’t been an issue for a long time. I had it once when I was younger but it’s happening again. Groinal responses. I fucking hate myself for it. My first intrusive sexual thought when I was child was n*crophillia. I don’t know why. What the fuck? I would never touch a child nor will I ever touch a dead body. What’s worse is I get full blown urges! Then I feel like I need to relieve myself because it makes me less anxious. But you see a problem! Does that mean I like those things I described? I don’t know anymore. My parents used to touch me against my consent in my groinal area since I was a baby. That’s why I touch myself a lot to feel less anxious about literally anything. I just hate how my sexual organs react. I actually can’t take it anymore. I am not Jimmy Saville. I’ve never watched CP (the thought of it makes me sick). I have tried to reassure myself by looking at pictures of children in a normal setting. Which was fine. Then I tried to look at bikini ones. I got so weirded out but again, no urges. I am happy from that result. I’m not a menace to society. Then I tried the same with teens. But it gets into a grey area because some of them look like adults. So it takes time to reassure myself (which makes me anxious). But again, I know that there’s just no way I would do that. It’s weird and it feels wrong. Does anyone else have this too? I just don’t understand. I don’t go around playgrounds looking at children. I just get an unwanted response or was it wanted? Because if somehow I am, then I will just end my life. Sorry to trigger anyone.

I just asked my husband to come home from work because I was having scary thoughts, I immediately started thinking I was about to lose control and go crazy, and it terrified the hell outta me, I started trying to think of what I could do to escape that feeling, who I could or would call if I were to lose control to help me, I went into a full blown panic attack and my heart was racing, I was shaking, sweating, thoughts were overtaking me, and I was scared to death! I told my husband I felt sick, and to please come home, but I’m not sick I have crazy thoughts that I’m scared to be alone with! I am a complete fking failure, why and I’m sick of living this way! Why must this be so debilitating and fkd up?! What did I do to deserve this?! I’m growing weaker, how much longer can I do this? 😢

OCD absolutely does NOT tolerate me being human and making mistakes, particularly as a parent. If I make a mistake, or if I think I MIGHT have made a mistake, my OCD tells me I’m a horrible mom.

So I’ve been terrified of taking antidepressants due to my suicide OCD, but my mental health has gotten so bad I’m finally deciding to give it a try again cause idk what else to to, I’ve tried natural stuff and it never works. But my question is, when you’re already having really bad intrusive thoughts how can you know it’s not from the medicine? My main fear is the medicine making me suicidal for real and me not being able to distinguish between the two.. I’ve taken an SSRI before but stopped after a few days cause I got scared like well what if the medicine is causing and will make me act on these thoughts?? (Hope this makes sense lol)