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Anyone on here recover from suicidal OCD and want to tell me about their journey?

34/f with OCD. Common themes are existential and schizophrenia. I take 150mg of Zoloft and have for 8 years. I have these flare ups around this time of year. Every year. You can track it through my comment history lol. I had a panic attack Friday morning when I drove my cat to get fixed. No reason for it either. Been taking my meds, been walking outdoors an hour a day. The only thing is that were on spring break (I'm a teacher) . Tuesday I did taxes, Wednesday I had my cochlear implant meeting, Thursday our new puppy went to the vet and Friday was Dojas appointment. However, I did have more down time than usual . I was actually admiring the sunrise and started thinking about how it would be weird driving home opposite of the sunrise and for some reason all the sudden I got that sweaty and cold feeling. So I spent the rest of the drive home trying to calm down. Once I got home I just laid in bed but felt better by the afternoon. Yesterday it was more weird/exetensial type thoughts (when we have a memory and we can picture it, where are we actually picturing it?) Which led to me latching onto that and doing the OCD dance of distract, think about it, have anxiety, calm down and distract. I don't understand because I'm doing everything I'm supposed to. It makes me afraid I'm getting worse or something. I drank last night because I wanted some relief from it. But now I'm paying for it this morning. Rolling panic attacks and sick to my stomach. It'll start as something benign, like remembering I left my daughter's shoes in the car, and I can "see" them in the car and then my brain goes "but you're not seeing it like you see something right in front of you. It's seeing in some weird dream type space" and I can't explain it and that causes anxiety because I can't easily explain it and then I get panicky and then distract myself and then it happens again shortly after. I've had thoughts like this before. About time, about an "inner voice" (how do you know it's your inner voice and not schizophrenia hearing voices type thing?) And I know this is the same existential theme, but the cycle and the feelings are terrible and I want it to stop. Im laying here, feet sweating, scrolling to distract myself. I feel like if I eat I'll vomit. I can't tell my husband I'm having this. It freaks him out which makes it worse for me.

did anyone go thru both of these themes? mine started out with harm ocd, i had a fear i was gonna hurt myself or someone else. for the longest it went on to hurting my mom, i was so scared i was gonna i couldn’t even go near her it passed. the harm ocd changed to existential, i got bad dpdr from it and still dealing with and now the harm came back. but mainly towards myself. i still get scared when talking about crimes and stuff, but even more anxious when i see people talk about suicide, etc. it makes me think i really am suicidal. i don’t actually have a plan, but one certain image and thing stick in my mind completely. i wont stay at my own house because my roommate owns a gun and i’m scared i’ll give into my thoughts and do it. but then sometimes i know this has been all new and overwhelming to me what if i got depression and now im suicidal. god this sucks. i dont wanna die man but at the same time do i wanna live if im thinking like this? its so overwhelming. not looking for reassurance just seeing if anyone else can relate.

possibly trigger warning i lost my mom on wednesday. i don’t think i’ve showered in like a week because things have been so stressful. i finally have time to shower today but it seems so hard. like once i shower i’ve washed off the hug and forehead kisses she gave me before she passed. part of me knows that that’s not really true though. i’ll always have those memories, but it’s just where my brain is at right now. is this normal with grief? i feel so gross and i really would like to shower because showers make me feel better but im so scared to wash off the little bit i have left of her.

Can i talk to someone please?

So my husband told me the other day that all he hears me talk about is OCD and my mom and dad. They are both turning 80, and not in the best of health. I am an only child. They were all I had before I met him 20 years ago. He was always a huge support for me with my OCD. Now I just feel like a huge pain. I can’t talk to him at all about anything because I feel like he really doesn’t want to hear it now. I finally found a therapist that gets me. She’s amazing! And I wanna be able to tell him about my sessions, but I don’t anymore. Im back in my shell again. I don’t wanna talk to anyone… just wanna disappear. This sucks.

Lately I've been having a lot of groinal responses, don't want them to be there. Before any of this even happened to me, I don't think I ever had a groinal response looking at another man, it makes me convinced that I've always been gay. I don't wanna be gay. This morning I had a dream about a rapper, it wasn't sexual but for some reason I was hard? I have always been a fan of his music and that's it. Now that's fueling my thought process even more and convincing me that I'm gay and I've been in the closet for a while At the same time i keep crying looking at my ex cause i miss her so much. Another thing to note that whenever i see good looking men or men that are gay i get groinal responses, whereas before this I don't think any of this happened to me. Whenever i look at these men i have to actively take a few deep breath's to catch up my breath, i can feel my heart beating. And most of the times I'm not even thinking anything sexual when ilook at these men it's weird. None of this brings me happiness at all. At this point I'm scared of my own groin cause i don't know what to expect or what's gonna happen. My brain keeps going you're in denial I've always been into women, as far as i can remember, I've lost complete attraction to them especially after my break up and getting depressed and having anxiety. And i keep thinking find a man attractive and if i get a groinal response, " wanna have sex with him" where as before any of this happened to me, these thoughts never even came to my mind, my 22 years of life feels like a complete lie and i hate myself, I've lost all motivation to do Normal things, i feel sleepy, i don't feel confident, loss of attraction, loss of libido, loss of will power, my thoughts keep morphing from " you might be gay" to "you are gay" to "you're bi" to "you're gay" to " you're in the closest" to "how are you gonna come out?". None of these thoughts make me happy, it makes me more confused and scared and kinda uncomfortable, and weirded out too. Another thing i did was since December till March i watched gay porn and barely got aroused and didn't really find it all that hot.? But my brain ignores that i understand now that it was a compulsive thing that's why i stopped but now i get so many groinals it's so weird Can someone tell me what's going on with me? Please please please someone take the time out of their day to read this and respond, thank you! 😩😩😩

So tomorrow I’m starting a diet plan and I’ve done it before but could never stick to it and I gave up but this time I want it to be different. Not only do I want to lose weight but I want to feel healthier and also have more energy and not feel blah all the time (besides how OCD makes me feel) but I was wondering if dieting helps with ocd or anxiety especially with symptoms? I’m so worried I’m going to put myself through all this and then it’s not going to help me mentally (along with ERP and medication) and then I will feel so much worse and more hopeless…also I was thinking about starting meditation and maybe even yoga or something like that to help too but not as a compulsion but for stress relief. If anyone has any success stories or any advice about this kind of thing let me know!

I was diagnosed with Pure OCD in 2020 and have been able to conquer most of my fears since. However, I recently started Zoloft and it had caused me to not be able to eat as much, sleep, focus or do much of anything. I began to have intrusive thoughts as I do but this time I assigned a "scary" voice to the thought after reading about Schizophrenia. I only hear the "voice" when I'm actively thinking about it but my fear is that it will evolve into something out of my own control. I've been extremely anxious since starting Zoloft and I'm aware that it can heighten those senses of being aware or "freaking ourselves out" but I can't stop googling if anyone else has created this monolog or given it a voice after the concern of Schizophrenia.

I'm not diagnosed but I've been struggling with my thoughts for almost two months now and I'm not sure if it's intrusive anymore? These thoughts makes me want to die and I want this out of my head as soon as possible, I don't want to stay like this any longer. February or January, I started studying and knowing more about the Bible, It is indeed, the best moment in my life, I really enjoyed it very much, being reunited with your creator is the best feeling. Before studying and reading the Bible, I showed signs of Sexual Orientation OCD and also during those times I studied. I felt so alive when I was with God and now I just feel like I'm slowly falling part. This started when I found out that what I've been doing wrong is not biblical and that's anti-christ, I was shocked and couldn't believe it and said to myself "I'm an anti-christ???" I just went to sleep during that time and thought that I'll be able to accept it when I wake up. Tomorrow, my first thought is praying to God but when I close my eyes, random images would pop up. While I'm praying there's image of evil or the enemy, that of course freaked me out and made me cry. My mother noticed and told me to stop what I'm doing for awhile (Studying and reading the Bible) I did what she told me and as soon as I got better, I came back to what I was doing. It got triggered again when I found out some of my friends are atheists and I'm not sure if it's right or okay to be friends with an atheists so I asked people for advice, they said it's okay and I thought "Yes, at least they're not satanist" that shooked me and then suddenly the thoughts started again and has been going on until now. I think this is my fault for thinking that way. I keep having thoughts that are disrespectful to God, my brain switching God with the enemy which is stupid, having other Gods which is the enemy, wishing to the enemy, offering stuffs for the enemy like food so I often end up praying a lot of times to cleanse the food, drinks, and even things in our house and those things that I saw with my eyes, and other thoughts like worship the enemy, go with the enemy, and other thought. I feel dead inside, honestly. I want to get better as soon as possible and don't want to stay like this anymore, these thoughts makes me hate myself. I've been not having that much sleep and I keep having those thoughts that I offered food to the enemy so I can't eat properly, the only way I was able to eat properly is by thinking that God prepared it for me. My dream is just to follow God, I was ready to leave anything for God but then I had these thoughts. There's some times I was doing fine, coping with these thoughts and then I would fall miserably again because of a verse that I heard that evil thoughts came from the heart? I honestly feel hopeless and there were times my intrusive thoughts influenced my mind. I really don't enjoy anything except spending time with God but even that, I can't do because of the thoughts that I keep having. These thoughts are really making me hate myself, I heard an advice to stop doing compulsions but then I worry about not doing compulsions. I get harmful thoughts about other people too, I honestly can't live like this. I don't feel like myself lately. I always feel like I'm lying too everytime I'm asking for help.

I was manipulated into experimenting with my friend when I was 14 or younger… he was constantly telling me that what we were doing wasn’t homosexual or wrong at all… he was my friend so I believed him… it only lasted for a couple seconds because I was honestly shaken up by it and I nearly puked… Now my HOCD is telling me that i wanted it and that im in denial when even mentioning this story gets me anxious… I don’t ever want to be homosexual or bisexual in any way shape or form… 😞😞😞

so basically I had a bad dream about someone killing someone and then was on the phone in the dream, and they told me this other girl could be involved in it, and then i seen the girl she was talking about, and then i ran outside so she wouldn’t hurt me or kill me, and then I woke up, was in a panic basically, and started having all this harmful thoughts about my boyfriend, and it felt like my mind was telling me to act on this things, and it felt like a urge to do something, and then i ended up having a panic attack maybe, and called and talk to the therapist, and she said usually people who want to do these things have a plan and then that’s when my brain came up with this thought ; my brain became up with an idea that after i get off work to kill my boyfriend and put him in a red bag, and that was that, and then now i have a bunch of anxiety about that because why would I even think that, or why would i even wanna do something like that, and it feels like i’m going to but i don’t want too, and these thoughts are really scary for me. but i used to have thoughts like that all the time but they have never felt like i wanted to actually act on them, and that feeling like i want too is what is scaring me, and sometimes if i don’t get this anxiety feeling about it makes me worry even more.

I saw a Tik tok of this lesbian girl saying butterfly tattoos are a sign or way to tell if another girl is a lesbian. I have an appt for a butterfly tattoo in a month and now in’s really freaking out and planning on changing the tattoo :( UGH HOW IS A BUTTERFLY TATTOO A SUGN UR A LESBIAN?!

I’m getting married in six days but I have relationship OCD and I am having some MAJOR anxiety! I feel so bad like calling it off. What do I do??! I just need some help ASAP and some techniques please please!

I was reading a book and the character talked about diminishing romantic feelings or lessened when faced with tough situations and being realistic and I was like "so it's normal" since I often struggle to feel romantic towards my partner after arguments or other matters and now I'm panicking because it said disminishing and I just immediately agreed. I'm scared I don't like him. What kind of person tries to convince themselves they aren't lying to themselves and actually like them? I feel like a fraud and a liar. I feel so uncomfortable but most uncomfortable at the fact that I'm struggling to feel guilt for these thoughts even though I don't want them and don't like them. What if I am faking it and really don't like him? I'm thinking of all the little things you're supposed to do and I just can't seem to be invested even though he's amazing. But then saying this I feel like all those girls say "he is an amazing guy....Buuut" and I don't want to be that girl. Please tell me someone has experienced the same?

i can’t do this anymore my dpdr is so bad i can barely function and get out of bed cause i feel so weird. ugh!!

So I’m really struggling right now because I remember a few months ago my 11 year old niece was visiting and I was hanging out with her and POCD is my worst theme so I remember she was standing next to me or showing me something and she leaned against my knee and I think it was the below part and I’m so scared what if I violated her somehow because I remember I was scared to move and I panicked and moved away from her and I’m so scared of what if I did something wrong even though I had no intentions of doing so I was just sitting there while she was talking or showing me something and it was at a time that I was having an ocd attack I don’t know if it’s blowing me out of proportion but my mind is telling me that I just sat there and let it happen and that I violated her and I really hope to God I didn’t. I was panicked and afraid to move because it felt odd and scary at the time

How can I believe that this is ROCD when there are some proof? Like… I know my ROCD could have exaggerated things.. I know when I am calm I love him and hug him. But this morning was bad.. I started crying when he told me he loved me… before he got of the car I hugged him super hard… I can’t shake this off… I wanna accept his flaws… when I don’t overthink I know I love him.. some parts of him I know I dislike and I told him what thoses things are…. I know relationships go thru rough patches.. I wanna fix it! It’s like my brain is trying to force me to run away.. My friend told me that my relationship is fine. It’s just both of our mental states are to blame for why our relationship is struggling…. I just want my relationship back.. if we break up.. I don’t know if I can handle another relationship again.. I can’t… I just don’t want to

hi i’m a STEM college student. i have contamination OCD that i think is pretty severe; i don’t fear germs or getting sick but the thought of touching gross things like trash and toilets i joined this app because i’ve just recently gotten so much worse in the past semester or 2. (i think i’ve always had ocd as a kid but it got worse in middle school, stagnated, worse in high school, stagnated through the first part of college, and then got SO much worse during the pandemic) i can’t read generic information and articles about ocd without crying. it is very very difficult and painful for me to talk about, so i dont unless i absolutely have to. i don’t even say the word “ocd” out loud to people. it seems so odd to me that some people can casually mention they have ocd, not anonymously i know the nature of ocd itself makes people feel shameful/embarrassed, but i think i feel particularly bad shame from it. i have a particularly strong urge to hide it and keep to myself/solve on my own i think because of my family, particularly my mom. i kind of had to figure out on my own that it was ocd. from the time i was 11 or 12, my mom would yell at me all the time in response to me showering/washing hands/doing laundry with too much soap. but it’s not like she didn’t understand the severity or the situation—she knew it was ocd and was educated enough to understand i just “can’t stop”. yet she would shut off the shower, yell at me to stop, push me into my room one time, and complain that i was stressing her out. she would demand over and over throughout the years for me to explain why i did the compulsions i did, but i didn’t even understand it yet; i was just a kid. she made it into a situation where i was at fault because i was withholding information/keeping secrets. i didn’t really realize that my mom had such an adverse effect on the shame part of ocd until a therapist told me the summer before i went to college. it all made sense why i felt like i had been fighting ocd AND my mom, instead of my my mom and me fighting ocd together. it hasn’t occurred to me that people could have family members out there with whom they can casually yet compassionately talk with them about and support them through ocd: “how can i help you?” “how can we get through this together?” otherwise, my mom and i are really close, but it’s really put a strain on our relationship. i have “cut her off” from discussing anything about my mental health (including grieving from 2 deaths this year) because i want to punish her for how she handled my ocd for all those years. i know that sounds awful, but i have a lot of resentment for her that i’ve never resolved or addressed my mom used to put me in talk therapy every year or two from the time i was about 11. i didn’t figure out it was ocd until recently, but i knew something was wrong with me when i was little. i remember crying to the child psychologist and saying “do you think i’m crazy? am i here because i’m crazy?” when i was 11 i find it incredibly difficult to talk about to even a therapist. that’s why i’m here on this anonymous app. i don’t think my mom or family could ever tell i have this app and am doing this. they have not been compassionate; this has been something i’ve dealt with alone so i feel i will try to solve it alone

Those who pick the skin on your fingers- how did you stop? My fingers look disgusting and I want to stop so badly but can’t find a way to stop??? Help!