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does dealing with rocd thoughts ever actually get better, not sure if they are even just thoughts anymore

Just got extremely triggered by reading a FB group post😥a lady is divorcing her fiancée of three years and she said she couldn’t handle their differences and the gut feeling of needing and wanting to leave. She said of course it’s heartbreaking but necessary and she said she regretted not leaving her previous partner with whom she was married to for 18 years sooner bc of those feelings 😞😞 it’s making me doubt my progress and wonder if I just have to handle the hard emotions of leaving in order to get better and get what I apparently want/need in life. And stop trying to convince myself it’s ok and it’s just ROCD. I’m so sad y’all. I don’t want to leave my partner.

Currently trying to move on from my past relationship. My OCD killed it because I was always seeking reassurance, and now I have a potential guy I'm meeting tomorrow who seems to have gone through similar experiences. It's almost terrifying how much we have in common and it's making me spiral "Could he be 'The One?' What if he doesn't like me? Is this a message from God?" Blah blah blah..... I feel I'm always trying to have the "perfect" relationship. I suppose I need to relinquish that this isn't possible... My ROCD is tricky because I question if I'm good enough- not the relationship itself.

I really need some sort of help or something because I can’t sleep. My mind is racing like crazy and I keep getting what if thoughts about mistakes I made in the past. I have always known that I never had bad intentions ever when I made the mistakes and it never crossed my mind at the time that I was making a mistake. It’s really hard to explain without going into detail but I can if need be. When I was a teenager I had a very embarrassing and stupid tickling fetish. Don’t ask because I have no idea where it came from but it lasted for years. Obviously not anymore I absolutely hate it and it’s hurt me more than I’d like to admit but anyways I used to look up this fetish on the ifunny app or even YouTube but most of this stems from ifunny which had innocent memes, videos, and what not about so many things but to me I was looking up the fetish, nothing else and nothing specific just the fetish itself. Self pleasing was part of it as well unfortunately which is why this past mistake is soooo much more shameful because I didn’t know at the time until much later but I remember I came across things I shouldn’t have and it was ifunny so it was innocent or people who would have seen these things would of maybe thought they are adorable or cute but to me I wasn’t looking at anything but the fetish itself. It wasn’t anything sexual but unfortunately because of the self pleasing I am so scared to death of the what if’s and no I’m getting intrusive thoughts saying that because I would clear history (because I was ashamed of the fetish at the time because I was embarrassed and didn’t know if the fetish was normal because I was a teenager) and it’s making me think what if I did have bad intentions or is my mind twisting it? I swear on my life it never had anything to do with certain things or people it had to do with the stupid damn fetish I had and it makes me so sad every single day I feel so guilty and ashamed because I didn’t know at the time and I think this maybe lasted until I was 18 or 19 but I don’t remember exactly it could of been a couple years before but anyways I know that no amount of worrying or feeling guilty can change the past and I know for certain I would NEVER make the same mistakes again but I feel like what if I’m a monster? I’ve talked about it with a couple people including my mom and she told me that I’m being way too hard on myself and that I’ve punished myself enough but I don’t believe her. I feel like people should hate me. I feel as though I don’t deserve love or kindness or to even live. It’s so scary to me how I’ve been going through this for years and it’s taken so much from me. I feel like I deserve this pain forever…💔

Has anyone actually overcome existential OCD? This theme has seriously not only caused dpdr but its just scary. Like i constantly feel like im living ina dream and nothing is real. Its definitely alot worse at night as it used to be all day. But its so draining makes me not wanna even live if im gonna deal with this forever. Also makes me scared ill get pyschosis or something too. UGH

. . . . . . I’ve had a few BRIEF moments of thinking about….ya know… 💀 during or after an OCD episode. I won’t, but I know that’s what my ocd is trying to get me to do, if that makes sense. Like in my head I’m like, “JESUS if this doesn’t stop I’m going to 💀 myself” or “the only way out rn is to 💀 myself” or even “I don’t want to deal with this anymore.” But of course I haven’t done anything. I haven’t harmed myself or put myself at risk. It’s just the pain and torture ocd gives me is a LOT sometimes. I don’t know how I’ve managed to stay alive this long. Does anyone have any tips on to keep fighting? And avoiding getting those thoughts?

I just got back from an amazing getaway with my boyfriend. I had a really good time…but now I’m back home. Alone in my living room and the thoughts are coming back. I feel defeated in this moment. I’m not even THINKING about it anymore, I just feel all these emotions. I know I’m my heart that I’m not a lesbian, but in my own OCDridden mind I am? I just feel like I’m somehow stringing my boyfriend along and not being who I ‘truly am’. But the thing is? He’s so understanding about this, and he knows who I truly am…when I don’t. I feel like a faker, an actress, a fraud. But I love him, I care for him. I don’t have to be IN LOVE with him to want to be with him. But my brain is telling me I’m just pushing through a relationship I somehow don’t want to be in. But I want to be in it…I always want to be in it. I want to be with this man for the rest of my life, but I’m so afraid OCD will take me away from him and my own life. I feel alone right now, and everything’s so quiet and my OCD fills the space with bullshit lies that I want to fight but just don’t have the strength to do so.

hi I’m new here, and I don’t really have a purpose for this post maybe I’m just posting because I’ve never considered the fact that I might have ocd until I just saw a Tik tok naming some symptoms. I’m reading through some posts I’ve never found myself relating to so many people in one community. I’m a little nervous to come out and say I have ocd, especially because I’ve been known to be a hypochondriac in the past and I just always think something is wrong with my mental or physical health. I basically exam my body for issues and any time I see the slightest change I’m booking an appointment with a doctor. I also suffer from extremely intrusive thoughts and they are just terrible. Luckily, they don’t usually bother me too much during the day but at night all I can think about is horrible things happening to the people I love and how much I hate myself. I convince myself I’m a bad person and I don’t even know why. It’s like I reason with myself in my head of if I am a bad person or not. I also hate being alone. If I’m sleeping alone in my house (I’m usually not because my parents live here) I work myself up to point of panic. I convince myself someone is going to break in and hurt me. I over analyze every single thing that happened that day and come up with some way that it makes total sense in my mind. If my mom leaves the house and says she’s going to be back at 1:00 and doesn’t show up by 1:00, my mind goes immediately to the worst case scenario. I always have a lot of anxiety in my friendships and relationship with my significant other. I love them all dearly and they are the people I want to be around, but I feel like they hate me sometimes or that they are against me when deep down I know they aren’t. I sometimes am just so irritable for no reason over the smallest things. Anyway thank you for reading if you made it this far. I’m hoping this app will keep me connect some pieces.

My birthday is coming up and I don’t even want to celebrate my birthday because I feel like I don’t even deserve anything. I feel so guilty all the time I just don’t know what else to do. I’ve tried everything. It hurts so much all the time. No matter what anyone says or tells me I never will be able to forgive myself for my past mistakes. I can’t do it. I will never be free. I never had bad intentions and I didn’t know that I was making mistakes at the times it happened because I was young and so stupid and no I regret it so much I want to give up

My current obsession that’s been consuming me for the past two months is one that I don’t hear anyone else talk about and seems extremely trivial and stupid, but for me it’s something extremely important, enough so that it’s consumed me this much. I’ve basically been obsessing over my interpretation of a work of a fiction that I’ve been hyperfixated on. Right now the specific things that been bothering me the past few weeks is the question of “what if I’m only interpreting the main character as selfless and good because I just want to see him that way, and therefore am a foolish and selfish person who cannot handle a morally complex story and cannot continue reading/watching this media”. The idea of reading/watching this series “incorrectly” is terrifying, and the idea of having to give up this series I love so so much is also terrifying, so I’ve been desperately trying to prove to myself that I’m going through everything correctly and am therefore not bad. I have not continued watching/reading for two months because of this, yet not directly consuming the media has not stopped my fears, because no matter how much I try to tell myself that not being able to continue it one day is fine, it’s deep down not something I can accept.

Hi I'm a 22 year old student and I have been experiencing (what I think are) OCD symptoms since I was a child. I've never been diagnosed, I asked my mum if I could be when I was a teenager and she told me it was "all in my head". Ever since I've felt too busy with studies and too poor to reach out to a therapist, leading to a lot of doubts about whether I could actually have OCD. So I've come here to find out if anyone can relate to my experiences. The first memory I could link to OCD was when I was about 9 years old, I'd call out to my parents "I love you" and I would repeat this until I got the exact phrase "I love you too" back. Any time I heard someone leaving the bathroom id have to repeat it again, and understandably my parents found it quite annoying. Moving onto my teenage years, I suffered with compulsions such as touching the gum under the school desks, placing my phone on charge in an exact position, I had to feel the same pressure under each foot before I lifted them up into my bed, I touched around the whole bedframe because I thought "touch wood" and all my anxieties would go away, and I re-write over words until the ink started bleeding through the page and then smudged the ink because I couldn't handle it being wet on the page (safe to say my teacher told me to stop using a fountain pen). I also started obsessively making lists and structuring things like playlists to fit every memory or song. I remember having a panic attack with a friend because I wasn't sure if I should like the CDs my mum used to lisyen to when I was a kid on Spotify because I was scared I would forget them otherwise. During these years I also suffered maintaining relationships, I would often accuse my partners of not loving me enough. I didn't know relationship OCD was a thing until I found this app, and I do have a lot of anxieties outside of ocd which could contribute to this experience, but I thought it was worth mentioning. I got fed up with a lot of my symptoms by the age of 16 and tried to go "cold turkey" on them. It was extremely stressful. I found ways of coping such as using a wooden bracelet instead of my wooden bedframe, but I don't think I ever found a true sense of understanding or relief from my compulsions. I also struggled with having to know where everything is placed. I can't say I've ever in my life had a messy room, everything is always meticulous and I often panic when things are moved. This has become more prominent since living in a student home. I definitely have a higher need for cleanliness, order and routine than my housemates. Nowdays I often hit my fists (gently) on my head in patterns of 8 when I feel anxious, especially when I'm thinking of things I can't control. I still have my need for structure and lists, and I still have the need to place things in specific ways. Sometimes I think being hyper organised has been good for my degree, I am definitely a "do-er" because of my compulsions, though I do struggle mostly. It takes a lot of energy out to re-write my notes again and again because the ink does look even enough, though the information does sink in because of it. This isnt a full list of symptoms, just the ones that come to mind now. Thank you to anyone who took the time to read this, I'd really appreciate if you could let me know if you share any of my experiences. I do intend on seeking a diagnosis once I've graduated, but for now I think it would heavily reduce my imposter syndrome if someone could share their thoughts. Update: it's ironic that the share button took me to a message saying I shouldn't ask for reassurance since it is a form of compulsion. Maybe this post is a compulsion in itself then? In light of this, I'm not expecting anyone to tell me whether I have OCD or not, I was planning on leaving that to a professional anyway. But it seems a shame to delete this post, so if anyone wants to use it to share advice or feel less alone then I'll leave it up for that.

I met this guy at a club a month ish ago, and we really clicked. Got each other's socials, been messaging fairly consistently ever since. I am normally super scared of relationships bc of my OCD. He is super handsome, and pretty much has the exact personality I'm looking for. But I KEEP thinking, "if he wasn't that handsome, I wouldn't have pursued it" and overthinking and feeling guilty, even though that isn't even what happened. We kept messaging, but his looks weren't why, I just liked him. However, recently, our conversations have been running a bit dry simply because we've been talking so much. I really hated this because conversation is super important to me, but because I'm super attracted to him phsyically I encouraged him to come down to where I live (his friends live in the same city, so he's come to see everyone basically) so we could go on a date. Is this morally wrong? I feel guilty. My mum said there's nothing wrong with thinking someone is attractive and wanting to go out with them, but it still stresses me out - because I was feeling extremely bummed because of the conversation but his looks pushed me to ask him out. Some part of me knows this is probably natural and I'm probably overthinking, but I feel so bad about it. The date went really well BTW. I remember sitting in the park and listening to him talk and my belly got all fluttery and I felt an overwhelming sense of happiness - and we cuddled when we got home. I just feel guilty that his looks played a large part in me actually asking him out. And also, while in person it's better, he doesn't live here, so we'll have to go back to online again where the conversation isn't as good. Same thing happened when he got back to his friends house and texted me, just dry, and I don't like it. So I do really feel like I'm using him. Very confused. Just got done crying and stuff. Idk what to do. Should I just cut it off? The thing is I can recognise OCD patterns here. The overthinking, and never getting a good answer so I'm trapped in a loop, and eventually feeling like I have to do the compulsion (cutting it off) - but it still feels so real. Arrrgh :(

I met this guy at a club a month ish ago, and we really clicked. Got each other's socials, been messaging fairly consistently ever since. I am normally super scared of relationships bc of my OCD. He is super handsome, and pretty much has the exact personality I'm looking for. But I KEEP thinking, "if he wasn't that handsome, I wouldn't have pursued it" and overthinking and feeling guilty, even though that isn't even what happened. We kept messaging, but his looks weren't why, I just liked him. However, recently, our conversations have been running a bit dry simply because we've been talking so much. I really hated this because conversation is super important to me, but because I'm super attracted to him phsyically I encouraged him to come down to where I live (his friends live in the same city, so he's come to see everyone basically) so we could go on a date. Is this morally wrong? I feel guilty. My mum said there's nothing wrong with thinking someone is attractive and wanting to go out with them, but it still stresses me out - because I was feeling extremely bummed because of the conversation but his looks pushed me to ask him out. Some part of me knows this is probably natural and I'm probably overthinking, but I feel so bad about it. The date went really well BTW. I remember sitting in the park and listening to him talk and my belly got all fluttery and I felt an overwhelming sense of happiness - and we cuddled when we got home. I just feel guilty that his looks played a large part in me actually asking him out. And also, while in person it's better, he doesn't live here, so we'll have to go back to online again where the conversation isn't as good. Same thing happened when he got back to his friends house and texted me, just dry, and I don't like it. So I do really feel like I'm using him. Very confused. Just got done crying and stuff. Idk what to do. Should I just cut it off? The thing is I can recognise OCD patterns here. The overthinking, and never getting a good answer so I'm trapped in a loop, and eventually feeling like I have to do the compulsion (cutting it off) - but it still feels so real. Arrrgh :(

Hey everyone. I seriously thought I would never be a person to post in a support group, but here I am. I’m 33, a pastor, and have my first appointment with an ERP counselor tomorrow. I haven’t been diagnosed yet but almost all of my symptoms center around HOCD, and I’ll get that verified in my appointment. No compulsions except CONSTANT internet checking of symptoms to see if I have another disorder, and it sometimes feels like I’m going crazy 🤦🏼‍♂️🤦🏼‍♂️. Also asking those close to me for reassurance. I’ve dealt with these symptoms off and on since I was 12 and now for the first time, I’m seeking out true answers and counseling for it. With a kid on the way, I have to move forward. I can say mine hasn’t been constant but a true off and on thing. Sometimes it bothers me zero and sometimes, it feels overwhelming and debilitating. I’m looking forward to starting this journey. As a pastor, I’ve questioned how could I struggle with this. The truth is we are all human and we are all broken in some way. I pray our stories share hope more than despair and know that this is just a season.

I have very abstract intrusive thoughts and it makes me anxious when I look them up and see that nobody else has talked about them or anything

I was recently triggered and now I keep having thoughts again like “what if no one is real or what if you don’t believe anyone is conscious or what if you keep thinking like this” :( any advice?

Everyone said that ERP is gold standard treatment of ocd. I have suicidal ocd .my mind told me to hang on fan but I don't really wanna do that. everytime I entered my room I see fan and my anxiety increase. But I don't understand how apply ERP on this type of condition. For example if we have a ocd of sickness then we wash our hands and that is a compulsion right so ERP works in this type of ocd in that way we don't wash our hands even our mind force us to wash this is a exposure. But in my scenario I have suicidal thoughts hang on a fan and etc. how I expose these fears and apply ERP on this type of ocd. Need guidance plssss

My hocd feels so real like every time i see a girl my eyes automatically goes to their tits or ass and it stresses me out and I sometimes get these intrusive thoughts out of nowhere saying “if you u really like girls then you’ll have to leave you bf” orr I get these images of being with a girl and all sorts of things there are many more but I can’t seem ti remember at the moment I’m sure they will come back to me but it feels so real sometimes I think is this true do I like girls as well?

I don’t know my head is so muddled up at the minute I don’t know if I like other people of the same sex my head is just telling me I am gay and in denial all the time I was never like this in the past tho I just can’t get my head around I have prayed to god but I am still stuck with this ocd demon

Has anyone had any friends or people in their life who seem to doubt that you have OCD or insinuate that maybe you were not properly diagnosed? Or who have kind of compared something you do to something they do making it sound like maybe it's just normal and not OCD? My friend did this in a conversation, I don't think it was really intentional but it felt awful and I started to doubt myself but I also am feeling like it's okay, I know myself and don't need to let OCD now tell me that I don't know myself. But I just felt awful about it and wanted to share. Curious how others deal with any possibly similar feelings.