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Trigger warning… Every time the commercial for hiv medication comes on I get a flood of awful thoughts.. there could be plenty of people with the virus living in my town who I don’t know about going to all the stores and getting trace amounts of blood on things, getting blood on the ground, throwing out bloody products contaminating the local trash trucks and therefore the trash can in my garage etc. I’m literally scared of everything at this point.
For those with contaminations OCD, I have two questions for you: 1) Did it start in childhood for you or after a specific event linked to contamination/based on science and extrapolating it? 2) Can you give me one example of a thought/worry? I'm just curious to see what other people experience
this is how everything’s been going for me. my pocd started off as, only anxiety around kids and minor thoughts such as “oh no you just look at her wrong” and i would let it pass. it was like this for 3 years. i noticed my anxiety starting being more terribly stressful when my dad was admitted to the hospital & we were in n out of there for months straight constantly hearing “he’s dying then oh he’s good again” & it was a endless cycle i started questioning why i felt the way i felt and why i couldn’t get a correct answer. i hid this from everyone. i didn’t tell anyone about what i was experiencing bc of the fear of being judged. he lost his battle in august😞 i was experiencing alot of stress and anxiety already it was affecting my job. i couldn’t do nails anymore because my thoughts convinced me i was i touching my clients hands wrong. or when it came down to one of my little sisters friends booking an appointment to get their nails done with me i would panic and cancel their appointments bc of the fear that not only are they a minor but that my thoughts would make me think i touched their hands wrong. i started having severe false memories that led me to almost take my life. i was always crying, anxiety attacks, panicking, stay up at nights questioning where i went wrong, wondering what i did to deserve this or if i did something in the the past that i wasn’t aware of. that escalated quickly to “what ifs, urges, anxiety & etc” my thoughts were torturing me again and i ended up isolating myself away from my siblings bc my thoughts convinced me i couldn’t be alone with them or id lose control. i made my older sister stay with me at all times to be sure i wouldn’t act on my thoughts. thankfully she & my mom understood everything i was going through & didn’t judge me for anything. i was doing okay for a little, my siblings were able to be around me. i was able to take my siblings to school and pick them up on my own. i felt so accomplished. i almost screamed of excitement bc i thought i had my life back. until ocd creeped up back on me. and now i’m absolutely worried to even be near them or alone by myself anymore. my thoughts convince me this time i was going to act on them bc i had no more strength to fight. yesterday my mom asked me if i could babysit her friends kids & my siblings while she went to the store and i said “i can’t mom i can’t.” and she told me it’s okay you’re gonna be okay. so i was doing okay until i got an urge and a thought telling me to get up and hurt them. i panicked and locked myself in my room. i sat there and cried and cried on top of my lungs bc i thought i was really going to follow through with it. pocd has been eating me up inside. im so depressed & stressed out. but what worries me more is the thought of “possibly” acting on those thoughts..
Had an edible yesterday and had a bad trip as well. Been ruminating for hours about SOOCD and other themes as well. Been kinda worried I might have a personality disorder (hopefully not narcissism lol) but yeah ocd kicking my ass. Kinda just venting, but yeah life is hard.
I’m bout to go to bed I’m alone alot my bf works all the time and can function like a normal person so he has a better quality of life than me so his life continues like a normal persons and I sit at home struggling to do the simplest of tasks it’s been rough the past few years for me ocd wise I had a similar trigger that made me feel like everything in my home was contaminated and slowly everything had to be separated and cleaned and stored seperatly my home wasn’t a home anymore it mite as well of been a public bathroom to me I had to stop doing alot of stuff cause even when I’m better I still have ocd and things are still stressful to do so when this trigger happened it was makeing things worse I already had a difficult time when my ocd isn’t as bad like doing rituals that I’ve just always done but everything got worse and I lost my ssi and got evicted and for the next few years I just got worse wit my ocd I couldn’t get up to get my ssi back I couldn’t get up to get my foodstamps my bf had to work for us to live and it made things harder but I was so miserable in bed all the time barely makeing my doctors appointments for my medications which weren’t working I brought my mom into an appointment cause I thought maybe she could help tlk to the doctor I then admitted myself into the hospital which was extremely hard cause they have rules like only allowing certain amounts of clothes and only allowed certain hygiene products they had to go threw all of my clothes which I kept my clothes in a tote to keep them clean I washed my hands prior to touching the tote to get clothes out they also had to cut the strings off any of my clothes which was hard to I also change my clothes a certain way and wear my bras and undershirts in order so I couldn’t just bring the amount of clothes I needed to have enough for the stay and to wear my stuff in order and have more clothes I do these dressing rituals and apart of the rituals is to put on deodorant then use qtips then clean my face wit face pads they don’t allow qtips and face pads so rite there was devastating I couldn’t complete the rituals I needed my clothes felt contaminated I didn’t have all my clothes to which brought me great discomfort I was traumatized goin three admissions and my mom and the worker didn’t understand the reason I was so upset crying I felt such pain and I no getting better requires you to be uncomfortable but this holistically didn’t have any therapy for ocd I would just be going there to be safe and get on some meds I was there for 3 days they discharged me I suffered alone no doctor therapists classes nothing they told me they didn’t have the resources to help me and gave me a referral to a place in Chicago for ocd I got out in hopes of going to this ocd facility but they denied me cause they didn’t accept my insurance all of this trauma for nothing I was already haveing a hard time now I had to fix all of my clothes and stuff back and try to deal wit those few days in the hospital it was so hard to just change my clothes everyday my life was so rough my mom finally helped me get my ssi and foodstamps which gave me alot of confidence made me feel like a person again I had freedom this past year has been going really well for me and my life I worked outside all the time I did alot of stuff I was happier I was letting go of the contamination ocd a little bit more it was finally my time to enjoy life a little bit I still have significant problems but things weren’t as strict all these years my bf had us homeless and not being a very nice person he was extremely selfish and not understanding being homeless was so hard on me cause my dressing ritual was a process I’d change my clothes a few times a day for years cause there’s be so many days I wasn’t able to do it so the past few years I spent doing this dressing ritual cause my ocd makes me dress once a day which would be easy if we had a set home this past year was better and still is my bf doing better but this new apartment was sprayed wit bug spray and it has literally killed me we were here for only a few days which I spent just being in the moment of our first nice cheap apartment everything seemed to be working my favor this past year and my ocd seemed to be not as bothersome mainly cause I’m used to liveing like this but the bug spray sent me over the edge and I see my bf not being affected by it just like all these years not working being homeless I spent hours changeing my clothes everyday worried bout changeing my clothes not being able to shower myself cause public showers are hard for me getting my clothes out for the dressing ritual is hard rinseing all my hygiene products everyday packing and unpacking them was so hard on my mind I struggled I suffered alone while my bf being normal just lived so this was suppose to be my time for peace even now it’s been a couple months since this happened my bf is in bed peacefully and I’m on the toilet crying.
Yesterday I shared a post but nobody replied, I feel like I've really seen something illegal. I don't think I can live with that.
I wanted to no if there’s anyone that has rituals that they’ve been doing for years and does anyone have dressing rituals and hygiene rituals like obviously ppl get up everyday and put on clean clothes and get ready for work so everyday most ppl change there clothes but for me i dress ritualisticly I can’t just put on a shirt do my makeup and throw some pants on and leave the house I have to get the clothes I’m wearing out lay them out on my bed in the order they get put on my body then I can do hygiene the hair and makeup it’s all gotta be done like that and it’s been different variations of that threwout the years it was hard to do when I was younger cause I was still getting used to haveing ocd but once I got it down and got better it was easier to deal wit but I still had to do that and the same wit showering I go from left to rite too to bottom kind of thing I’ve been doing it for 15 years but you gotta do these things to be clean so things that have to be done everyday have become ritualized and they just kind of staid all these years cause that’s the way I’ve always done them and they have to be done everyday I’ve got to dress I’ve got to shower I got ocd in school so everyday I’d dress then when I got out of high school I was a stay at home mom I didn’t have to go anywere but I still did the dressing ritual it wasn’t as big of a deal back then but I still had to do it I couldn’t just throw on a clean shirt for the day cause I was a tired mom I’d have to do the entire ritual and put on clean underwear pants bra undershirt and shirt apply deodorant clean ears and face that was my dressing ritual cause obviously you need to put on clean clothes I just always done it this way since I got ocd and now that my ocd has been worse the past few years and my life has also been rough this ritual wit other rituals have been hard the repetiveness of all of them are aggravating I’m on ssi I stay home alot my kids live wit my mom cause I couldn’t take care of them alone so it’s just been me and now me and my bf whose struggled wit life but we’ve been homeless a few times which had made dressing and showering hard cause of my ocd I need to dress once a day I need to be able to lay my clothes out and have a clean area to set hygiene stuff I do alot more than that and it was very hard but there’s be days I couldn’t change my clothes so I’d be stuck in the same clothes for a few days then when I’d be able to change them I’d have to do the ritual the amount of days I’d missed so dressing and undressing in different outfits applying deodorant the amount of days missed it’s been really stressful but my entire life it was normal to change your clothes everyday so I did I have ocd and obviously do things different and didn’t think of this as being this difficult but On days were I mite be sick I’d like to just enjoy those days and not change my clothes but we’re do you draw the line wit it cause I stay home 24 7 I don’t need to dress everyday I could stay in the same clothes for months you no like tshirt and sweatpants kind of thing I couldn’t just put on a clean pair of underwear and maybe wash my sweats every few days I’d have to do the entire dressing ritual and I’m not sure wat to do to change this to wear I don’t need to do it everyday but also not staying in the same clothes 24 7 since I don’t work.
I’ve had ocd since I was 14 15 years old i was a big tomboy and still am I always wore my hair in a ponytail never wore makeup just guy clothes doing girl stuff wasn’t for me then I got ocd and was hospitalized for it my family didn’t no wat to do cause my ocd was makeing simple things take me forever and everything had a ritual but I got a little bit better and started high school so I was trying to fit in i had to try harder cause my ocd made me ritualize everything dressing showering grooming so getting ready everyday was hard even when I was a little bit better and on medication it was work to get dressed it was work to put on my makeup and straighten my hair everything had a routine to it but I wanted to fit in I wanted to appear normal I started straightening my hair and wearing it down I started wearing concelor and foundation I was still a tomboy so eyeliner and mascara wasn’t really for me but I worked wit wat I was able to do and I ran wit it so for years I straightened my hair and wore that makeup cause just doing that was harder for me cause I couldn’t just do it it had to be done all at once in the morning when I’d get ready for school I couldn’t like being a makeup bag to school and touch up my makeup in between classes it was hard enough doing it in the morning I couldn’t bring my deodorant in my backpack and reapply it in the locker room cause again I got ready in order 1 time at home and that was it for me I didn’t really notice it cause I didn’t really even wear makeup and my hair staid straight so it didn’t bother me to not redo and reapply things threwout the day but I did notice other girls in the mirror putting on mascara and girls carrying there makeup up bag wit everything in it putting makeup on in the car I couldn’t do those things but all these years I’ve had 1 look cause by the time I kind of figured who I was as a kid I had ocd and it made it hard to do things but I did wat I could and just created a habit and rules to doing my hair like only straightening it no other hairstyles besides up in a bun I can’t wear a ponytail I can’t curl my hair I was never a girly girl so I didn’t have like a hair crimper and clips so I never even had girly stuff to even do pretend dress up wit all I new was my hair straightener I never really got to the girly part of doing makeup for the first time and finding myself I was a kid when I got ocd and going into high school and finding out who you are and your style never really happened to me but now that I’m older I want to be a nice woman and mother and look presentable but I just always look a mess no matter if I worked really hard to do my hair and makeup I still look like a tomboy cause I can’t do makeup I can’t use bony pins in my hair and do a cute updo I don’t want to go to my kids school when there older looking like a little trashy kid still I feel like my ocd is a strict parent and has sheltered me and now I’m the wierd girl that doesn’t wear makeup and no anything bout looking presentable it’s hard to explain but I just wanted to share this cause I’ve always been alone wit my ocd but I have had friends that I’d watch do there hair and makeup so effortlessly witout a second though cause they were normal they aren’t counting they aren’t doing any rituals there just applying makeup as they should girls I’m school we’re always wearing cute outfits playing together doing each others hair and makeup tlk bout girly stuff and I had to pretend I didn’t care bout any of that stuff when really I thought bout it all the time I just new it took me just as long to look crappy as it took someone to be fully dressed done hair and makeup but it took my longer but someone else could look way more presentable mascara eyeliner lip gloss a cute hairstyles and they could do it in any order I had to dress them deodorant and wat not then hair and makeup I couldn’t do my hair sitting in my bra and underwear I had to do my dressing ritual to put on my clothes for the day then the other stuff then done it’s just been really hard.
Why does part of my brain want me to just accept and be completely ok and fine to have negative thoughts about my partner and things about him? It feels like it wants permission to think shitty things and be completely good with it like nothings wrong. I don’t understand. It makes the anxiety go away but I feel worse bc it feels like I have no remorse for these thoughts etc? Any tips or advice??
Does anyone find that meditation helps with OCD? I feel like it’s hard enough for someone without OCD but it feels almost impossible for me to not just ruminate the whole time. Any tips?
Haven’t been here in a while. I’m wondering if this is RELATIONSHIP OCD or just a regular kinda thought process. I just broke up with my boyfriend of 3 years. I just regret it and keep replaying what happened and it feels like I made a mistake and want him back. I’m kinda panicking he was my best friend. Now he’s blocked me in everything. I just keep thinking about how I should go back to him and that my feeling will change and I’ll go back to loving him. I feel like I only broke up with him cause everyone was telling me I should. I did it because I also felt like it would be okay because someday it felt like I loved him romantically and other days I didn’t. We both acknowledge our relationship wasn’t the same but I kept trying to make it work and ignore the feeling but we broke up now I’m here panicking leaving him messages and voicemails. I took him for granted and I just want him back.
I heard some therapist tell you have OCD and some don’t because it’s reassuring. What have your experiences been? I really am hoping to get diagnosed….
I think I need to accept this. Too many signs and urges. A pretty girl would definitely make me nervous if she was flirting with me like in the scene of this show I watched. I feel very sad and scared and alone but I don’t think this is just soocd anymore
I'm miserable, so down with these thoughts like I want to be with a man. What have I got to do ?. How can I continue if thus is making me miserable?
Do your family members know that you have ocd?
Literally had a dream where I was asking this guy out on a date, and a couple other gay dreams mixed in, its the norm for me now.it just felt too natural and normal more than what ive felt around and for women. I woke up feeling ive realized once and for all that I am actually gay. I think all my life me wanting a gf and sex was caused by porn and hetero culture. Sure I only found girls attractive growing up (dont think thats true either) but I dont think any of that attraction was real, it just makes me upset that I thought I liked girls and wanted a gf this whole time when Im actually gay but why be upset upset if that is the case. I dont think I understood how relationships and romance worked or what being straight meant either as I was just follwing the culture which explains why I was unbelievably awkward and clueless around women or when they flirted with me bc I didnt feel true attraction. Now therapy seems pointless. Im just afraid if these soocd thoughts came true then the thoughts that I myself am a woman inside are probably true as well. My head hurts from constant thoughts and internal monologue, can someone talk please
Hi everybody. What do you do if a thought is literally eating you alive? Over and over? Its like my brain is torturing me
i saw this post on @obsessively_anxious insta and it really stood out to me. it stated “you didn’t act on your other thoughts, but this time it’s different…” this is how i feel right now with the thoughts of my sisters boyfriend. is anyone else experiencing this? she means ocd will try everything in its power to make you feel like your case is different everytime.
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OCD doesn't have to
rule your life
