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What happened to my brain? Numbness? Did I just become a sociopath? Please I hope I didn't. Memory Loss. I need answers. I feel like I'm on the verge of losing my mind. I AM UNDIAGNOSED, I don't even know what or how to tell a therapist about my problems. I've neglected my own safety since I avoided getting therapy since my suicide attempt one year ago. I'm scared that the therapist might make my OCD worse. I'm bad at expressing myself. Right now, I am trying my best to gain composure and brainstorm out a coherent paragraph for you guys to read. I don't feel anything. I want to feel emotions again. I literally am trying so hard to find the right words to describe my situation and my wellbeing. I remember a few months ago, when I was able to feel more emotions and compassion. I remember when I woke up on Thanksgiving's and felt that my entire psyche changed. I feel like a good chunk of my brain was removed overnight. Suddenly, I think as though my compassion and empathy weren't as so present. I started to ruminate A LOT about my feelings and constantly compared myself to a sociopath/psychopath. Every time I read something along the lines of "Socio/psychopaths don't worry about themselves being such things" as a way of reassurance, another thought wounds up screwing my entire process over with the simple question "What if I'm not worried that I am one?" or "Haha I am one" and then I get feelings of joy that I am one, but then I catch myself and then I say "What the fuck?" It feels so real, IT FEELS SO CONVINCING. I kept telling myself, I'd rather be dead then be a socio/psychopath. Lately I feel like I'm becoming more and more numb and emotionally blank. I don't feel as worried as I should be whenever someone close to me suffers some mishap. My dad called me to tell me that he caught Covid-19 and I ruminated and observed how I react. I didn't feel anything and immediately chastised myself for not feeling any form of concern or worry. I tried force myself to feel some worry and concern to no avail. I couldn't even cry. GUILT: WHERE DID MY GUILT GO? Where did all of my guilty conscience go? I remember I did things in my past that were so regrettable I would rather die than do it again. Whenever I try to look back at those moments, I feel like all my regret has disappeared. What the hell? What happened to my guilt? I just want to die and be forgotten. I spent a good chunk of my time lurking around this reddit reading about how people feel guilty about having thoughts like these, and I realized that I may be the only one here who's guilt has been lost to time. Or have I become so detached from my emotions and thoughts that they seem like a separate entity. I used to feel so much guilt for things I've done. What the hell happened to me? My biggest fears is that I'll literally become a sociopath/psychopath. I'm scared that I'll lose control and give in to my thoughts. I'm scared that I won't feel any worry, shame, or guilt. I feel so numb. I'm scared that one day I'll ignore my OCD thoughts and act on impulse. I miss my anxiety. I miss being empathetic, now I don't even remember if I was empathetic at all. I have POCD, ROCD, and Harm-OCD thoughts. I don't see a way out other than death, but then I know there are people who will be traumatized and scarred. I can't feel anything. I just can't. I'm emotionally confused

I feel like I've been palming this off as ocd I really do. Feels like I want it but I can't accept it 😔. But I still feel something for women but it has diminished somewhat. I don't even know if its there anymore 😔

Is checking parts of your body when I feel anxious a compulsion?

i and some scary thoughts again and i told myself maybe maybe not and it really calmed my anxiety. back then i wouldn’t have a been able to even say that but i’m really trying to get better i haven’t even tried erp maybe that’s why i can’t get better

Does anyone else wake up with terrible physical anxiety/thoughts every morning? Any helpful advice on how to handle it. It’s been a struggle everyday for over 6 weeks.

does anyone else have trouble with astrology and ROCD..? theres something in my natal chart that freaks me out so much even though my synastry chart with my partner looks pretty good…

Hang in there everyone, love you all <3

I need desperate help…I lost my grandfather last week so didn’t really post anything and just went emotionally numb then caught covid for the second time and felt sick everything seemed to fall apart and then comes my thoughts the thoughts which now feel like reality and then because I haven’t written in a while i think its more true than ever and then suddenly i have started to think these thoughts as whats the harm in it and that itself just says a lot also not being diagnosed with ocd yet makes me question all this thinking its nothing but true…there are some actions that the same sex does that i find appealing what now?!? All of this in the end whatever someone says just says that I won’t have a problem in this indulgence and people who have ocd would be like I don’t want it and i hate these thoughts for me it has become i like them i want them how do i not think that this is not ocd and just denial?!?! What if i am just covering up my denial with ocd which I honestly think i am and just not agreeing to accept my reality being with a guy for feeling something doesn’t even feel like a possibility anymore i feel like i am faking this 99.9% and that .1 % is also fading. I feel like i look at people with pronouns she/they differently like i want to do something with them and how does one suddenly say that these thoughts can’t be true or if i am put in the position will i not do it ?!?!!? And if all this questions constantly pop up it means there has to be some truth to it…i can only feel nervous and anxious if i am thinking something true right?!? People who for sure know they are straight also i have seen in some shows that some same sex person comes in and changes their thinking and everything what then and i am just 19 who says I can’t and then if the possibility is there then it means there’s something in the present too right?!? My dreams have started turning extremely sexual and i constantly feel like i want to think of girls in my dreams and indulge with them too like then I don’t think there’s anymore proof needed and also after the dream feel like i like it and I don’t overthink it and then it feels like i want it which i think I actually do like where does this end who am i will i ever be able to see guys like i used to or was that fake too?!? And what about my same sex experiences when i was very little they happened and it was like i liked them and i wanted then that could also just be proof of all this and it all of this is just me experiencing coming out and how has it become so easy for me to write all this ?!? Who am i ?!? Am i even straight and if someone asks me what am i why do i think and when i say i am straight why do i feel its a lie?!? Who am i ?!? Pls help me !!!!!!

rocd has ruined every single relationship i've had, even from a young age. i keep hurting the people i love. i always see it coming. i always see the pain im causing and i try to mask it to make sure people feel unconditionally cared for and end up feeling like a liar. people love me so well, and i'm never fully in it because of my doubts or silent nitpicking and i just want to shake myself until my brain lines up properly. i'm so tired of generating so much pain. i'm so tired of running because of this disorder and making the ones i love feel abandoned and alone. i want to give and receive love. i want to comfort my loved ones but i cant because know it's my fault and if i let them lean on me it'll draw us both back into my spiral. i always see it coming too. this shit keeps me ruminating on how much hurt i've caused. i can't wait to get help. i need help. i need this cycle to stop.

Anyones theme fear of developing schizophrenia?! I feel like I don’t hear about it often. 🥲

Hey everyone! Sorry for the late night post in advance but I’ve been going through it. I was doing so well with my HOCD (I’m a girl) and I went on a date Sunday night and my anxiety came back ten times worse. I ended up not sleeping at all that night and spent most of my time on tiktok watching videos of “signs I was a lesbian I didn’t know” and “later in life lesbians coming out”. Monday was horrible (in large part due to my exhaustion) but my anxiety got so bad I ended up calling my mom and essentially coming out to her and told her all the reasons I had for why I was gay. She was super great about it but definitely was like no you aren’t and tried to give me reasons I was straight. I woke up the next day with no anxiety; almost a sense of relief? Maybe I am gay and I was just dealing with denial?? No idea but now the anxiety is back slightly and I get weird anytime I see a female on my fyp or tv. How can I beat this and get my life back on track?

for those with SO-OCD, how did your subtype come about? for me it was just one day lying in bed and irrationally thinking that since I wasn’t interested in hooking up with my male “friend” that I was gay and that I was hiding the fact from myself all these years. Im just not too familiar with how OCD manifests in people. like is it sudden or?

Omg I just had horrible intrusive thoughts and then felt weird down there and I’m hoping it’s just groinal response and not the actual horrible thing. I don’t understand how for a long time I’m doing horrible, then the past few days I’ve been doing so much better, and now I’m getting triggered more and now having groinal response again. I hate OCD with a passion. I’m trying to take my life back and remember it’s ocd but unfortunately with it being “the doubting disorder” it’s making me think all these things are true and I swear they better not be 💔

I think I'm obsessively afraid of confrontation. Struggling now with rumination. Anxiety mostly starts after I've said or posted anything, and quite often I either think about it for ages, or delete it just to save the hastle of ruminating and feeling sick with unpleasant emotions. Posting this is hard... It's escalating. It's not just confrontation though, more like obsessive fear of people thinking I'm bad, or mean when I'm not trying to be. This is not my personality, I never used to be literally scared of confrontation (though I do value kindness most of the time). I have strong, polarising opinions, and I'm not ashamed of them, but I just feel sick at the thought of being challenged, even if I feel like I could easily defend my position. My core fear is that I'm somehow a bad person. This isn't QUITE that. The fears are related, but not identical. And I KNOW -- if I know I'm doing my best, other people's opinions don't matter, and I'm not responsible for what other people think of me, and even a debate or an insult or a troll aren't the end of the world. But this is OCD we're talking about, reason doesn't matter to how I feel. A while back, NOCD made an Instagram post about a theme where you're afraid of offending someone, and I related SO MUCH to that post, except the core fear for me is SLIGHTLY different. I think. It's all so fuzzy, like any OCD thought. Anyway, just venting.

It's 2 AM and tomorrow I have an interrogation and I have to wake early to study but I can't sleep because I've suddenly had nostalgia attacks about Minecraft, and I've been reminiscing the old times. I'm fucking crying over MINECRAFT memories, this is so weird and ridiculous, I'm 16 years old ffs. I'm so emotionally vulnerable. Sometimes I get overwhelmed by this melancholia of the past and it hurts, and this is one of those times. I lost all of my minecraft friends in one day. I've never even got to say goodbye. I'll never find closure. This was during middle school when the only friends I had were on Minecraft. Now I'm in high school, why can't I just let it go?

OCD definitely sucks mostly because is the disease of uncertainty. We get stuck on all the possible "what ifs" thinking that maybe that way we will feel safe and everything will be ok. And it doesn't work because that's not the real issue. The problem is our inability to feel safe in the face of uncertainty. Maybe we weren't equipped for handling uncertainty by being compassionate and kind with ourselves. Maybe we weren't made to feel safe. Whatever the reason we lack compassion for ourselves. Giving to others not so hard but to ourselves is such a struggle because we think we don't deserve it. Our thoughts have convinced us that we are bad, horrible, sick, and a bunch of other terrible adjectives when in reality we aren't any of that. The proof is in the discomfort we actually feel about those thoughts. At the end we aren't not our thoughts but they scream so hard that we think we have to pay attention to them, otherwise something terrible will happen. And you know what? It never does. But we live in the torment like it has happened. Again this thing really sucks. But there's hope. The fact is that we don't need to control our thoughts or define ourselves by them. What we actually need is so simple yet we struggle so hard to receive it. It's Love. That's all. Simple but yet we don't know how to give it to ourselves and we don't even believe we are worthy of it. But that's the biggest deception of all. We need it and we do deserve it. Not because of anything we do or don't do but just because we were made to be Loved and to Love others. So what's the challenge? I believe is to learn to radically accept ourselves right where we are and right how we are right now. This doesn't mean we accept the intrusive thoughts but that we aren't going to judge or condemn ourselves for them anymore. Is this going to stop the thoughts? Nope. But it will make us more resilient and more compassionate towards us. I have come to understand that this is a process and like every process it takes time and patience. It will be uncomfortable but so it's staying stuck in our thinking. What we can control it's our choice even when is not easy. Hope this helps someone who right now it's struggling like me.

Hope everyone is having a beautiful Wednesday! Looking for some advice/encouragement about facing the top tiers of an ERP hierarchy… specifically for HOCD. In my appointment today with my therapist she suggested that it was time to tackle the more difficult triggers on my hierarchy (on the positive side, I think this is progress?)We started to talk about a safety plan and the potential of tackling the more bothersome issues. Of course this spiked my anxiety. However, I’m not completely sure what I would consider as my higher ranked triggers. In past conversations in developing my hierarchy she discussed the potential of going to a gay bar or asking a neighbor of mine about when she left her husband to be with a woman (which really happened and was my initial triggering event that started my HOCD). The thing is I don’t think these type of things are relatable to my underlying HOCD fear. Thinking about going to a gay bar does not spike me with anxiety as I am not nervous around gay people. For me, it’s more the fact that straight people do leave their marriages, even happy marriages with children, to be with someone of the same sex. I am not afraid about going to a gay bar or to have a conversation with my neighbor, I’m more fearful of what could be implied—what if someone saw me (plus with Covid surging, I’m not going anywhere!). What would my neighbor think if we had that conversation? I guess my question is: how have you dealt with moving up the hierarchy? People with HOCD, what are some exercises/ideas you could recommend that were 8, 9, or 10s on your list? Obviously I don’t want my therapist to think I’m avoiding certain things—I’ve been more than open and willing bc with my ERP. I just don’t think those types of suggestions would be beneficial for my HOCD/Pure O. Thanks! ❤️

I've been really struggling with the taboo theme of "Race OCD" & I'm finding it hard to function/find myself avoiding people out of fear of being perceived as racist. I constantly worry that I'm being perceived as racist. I'm white, I consider myself to be an ally to BIPOC and to work on being anti-racist. Lately though, I get hit with a ton of intrusive thoughts about coming across as racist when I speak to BIPOC, which causes anxiety, which my anxiety probably then appears racist to the other person. I can't imagine what BIPOC have to endure on a daily basis just because of their skin color, so I'm not trying to make this about me. It's pretty severe and it's attacking my core, because this "theme" feels opposite to what I value (being an ally, fighting to be anti-racist & dismantle racism) & who I am. I can tell that other people notice I'm anxious when I interact with them, and I just hate that I'm displaying nervousness because I'm sure it makes the other person uncomfortable. I know I'm coming off as anxious to other people. I know it because I'm trying so hard not to be perceived as racist, to get the interaction "right", that interactions just get weird, anxiety filled & awkward & I'm sure the other person is like WTF, this person is a racist. I don't know how to stop getting so lost in my head and being anxious around BIPOC. It makes me sick to my stomach that a person of color triggers my anxiety & I become outwardly anxious. I feel awful. I dont know if it's because I've become hyper aware about race and the atrocities that happen to people of color because of racism, or what is happening. But, its awful because I'm getting anxious around POC and I know I'm physically appearing anxious.

Does anybody else have this, I’ve got to a stage where I feel no anxiety or disgust or shame surrounding my intrusive thoughts, this in turn gets me worried as for the past few weeks I have woken up and I have been convinced that I am the person that I have feared for the most part of a year. I used to hate having these thoughts but now my mind always says things like “that wouldn’t be so bad” or “other people have done why don’t you” but I don’t want to act on these thoughts but it’s like my mind has given up over time and said “I’m done just do it, you don’t see a problem anymore”. Even when I say to myself I wish I could go back, even before I had these intrusive thoughts I always wanted to go back to a time in which I didn’t have crippling anxiety, but now my mind says “you don’t want to go back” but I know I do. I thought I was getting better this week as I started reading a book which says to accept the thoughts are there but it’s hard to read as most pages say stuff like “you fear what you might become” or “ the anxiety is too much” but like I said it feels like I’ve moved past that stage and I feel as if I’m at my worst because I don’t fear the person that I think I am which is terrible 😞. I don’t understand how you can fear/disgusted/ashamed about something for a really long time, try to tell yourself everyday that your not that person (without succession) but then now barely feel any of that and feel as if your a completely different person. Whenever something controversial comes up in conversation with my friends/family I feel nothing, I feel as though if I say something it will be a lie. Whenever I talk about girls with my mates I feel as though if I say that I’m attracted or turned on by them I’m lying to them and I’m secretly this monster. Sorry for the long paragraph (to whoever reads this) but I just feel at my worst at the moment because of zero emotions towards anything, I feel like I’m the exception, I feel like I don’t really need to do my compulsions I’m just doing them for the sake of doing them, ultimately I feel as if I don’t have OCD, I made it up in my head as I didn’t know anything about it till I looked it up so my brain probably latched onto that like a crutch and said “yeah we’ll just say we have that”.

I see a great deal of pain and fear on here, and a lot of concern that the pain will never end. For me, it did. Here’s my explanation: ERP is a system for facing your fears. It really is that simple—that doesn’t mean it’s easy, but it is simple. I have to believe that ancient societies practiced a form of this, because it is so intuitive, and once the system, the rules were explained, it felt to me as if I should have already known how to do it. Still, I needed someone to show me. My Harm-OCD made me fear I’d lose control and hurt people. I thought this way for years, even though I’ve been in only two altercations in my life: I was beat up in Elementary, and when I was 16 I fought a close friend cause of a girl. We were dumb; we each made contact once. In other words, no history of violence, but I truly didn’t trust myself. And my POCD, which came a little later in life, in my mid-20’s, it had me truly believing that while I knew I wouldn’t act on it, I was a pedophile. I had decided to never have children, and to avoid children at all costs. Now I trust myself completely, and assuming I find the right woman, I would very much like to have kids. I know I put no one in danger, and that I am a help to my family and friends. It feels so good to trust myself again. The OCD comes and goes. It seems that the focus of the intrusive thoughts change—the theme changes, but the OCD is the same. I had HOCD, then POCD, and now I ruminate… but the rumination is nothing compared to the others, and they are gone. So while it’s still there, it went from taking up 90% of my thought-space to maybe 5%. All that to say, to those of you still “hardcore struggling”, as I did for about half a decade, I want you to know that for many people including myself, while the theme changes and the OCD remains, the power of it fades. That’s the TLDR here: the power fades! it’s not an endless struggle… it might stick around, but it does get to the point that it’s not a big deal In the beginning, the notion of doing ERP with POCD was terrifying. So we started with HOCD. That was pretty easy—I had to cook and use knives and let the image-thoughts of murder pass by, as meaningless to me as they really are. Then I did POCD exposures. First, I just stopped looking away from kids on the street—and I was in NYC then, so you pass people all the time, meaning it’s a significant first exposure. Then I started watching Child Development videos on YouTube, which focus on human psychology and unsupervised group dynamics at different ages. Fascinating, and all about kids, which made for a great exposure. Finally, I went to the park to read and write, and there were kids playing all around me, and I learned to be at peace without avoiding them. I didn’t stare, cause it is easy to freak out a parent, but I just existed there. I did this ERP work for 6-8 hours a week, and within 6 weeks the intrusive thoughts decreased dramatically—I’m talking in the neighborhood of 99%. It was the most liberating experience I have ever had. Results, obviously, vary, but I have never met someone who put in the time and didn’t see results. For those of you trembling in fear, as I did for so long: I urge you to do ERP, and commit to doing it seriously for a long while. I want so badly for you all to find your way out. Love to you.