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explsure therapy for a few months now, and things are only getting worse?

Hi I have HOCD Since about 5 years now I would say. I’m just seeking for help and a community. The only way I get better is by distracting myself a lot through working or social media. But somethings even social media worsens it too with the rise of lgbtq communities presenting themselves. They make me question sometimes. But I just ignore. After all exposure gets you to slowly move on so it’s what’s best.

Hi guys, I’ve been suffering from contamination OCD. I’ve been in contact with a therapist and it has helped me a lot. However, I still sometimes have intrusive thoughts when I go to toilet. I don’t want to waste toilet paper, therefore I’m trying to reduce the number of toilet paper squares I use per each visit of the toilet. When I wipe after urinating, it sometimes happens that the urine gets soaked through all the plies. The last square I hold in my hand therefore gets a bit wet, and I can feel it with my hand. However, no drop of urine gets to my hand, you just feel that your hand is touching a square of toilet paper that is a bit wet (it is the same as when you blow your nose). This sometimes happens to me, even when I use 8 or 9 squares of toilet paper, which is quite a lot. After visiting the toilet, I always wash my hands. I don’t want to seek reassurance from you that the urine can’t spread anywhere else and contaminate other things. I just can’t remember how many squares of toilet paper I was using when I didn’t have to deal with intrusive thoughts. Therefore, I would like to ask all women out there, how you deal with wiping after urinating. Does it ever happen to you that urine gets soaked through all the squares, and you get the wet feeling on your hand? Should I use more squares to make sure that the last ply stays dry, even though 10 or 11 squares is a big waste of toilet paper? I usually have to wipe two or three times to get dry, even though I can use less squares for the second and third wipe (usually 3 or 2) because they don’t get that wet, 11 + 3 + 2 squares of toilet paper would be a lot. Or should I use less squares, don’t care about the wet sensation and wash my hands afterwards? How many squares do you use after urinating? Urine sometimes sprinkles on my inner thighs, etc. Sometimes it happens to me that when I wipe after urinating, I accidentally place my hand on my skin besides the toilet paper because the toilet paper square is smaller than my hand. Therefore, it is probable that a drop of urine could potentially get on my hand. Does it ever happen to you that you accidentally place your finger or hand besides the toilet paper, or should I be more careful when I wipe so that it doesn’t happen to me? Thank you so much :)

My whole entire life I’ve been boy crazy, and I have always always dreamt of having a husband one day and having a family. That’s all I want. It’s a dream of mine, and I feel like it’s being ripped away from me. My OCD makes it seem like that’s not who I am, or that I don’t want that anymore. It’s so hard. I just don’t feel like me anymore. I don’t want to be with a girl, it just doesn’t feel like that’s who I am. I don’t want to marry a girl, it’s not what I want. But OCD twists that, why does it feel like I want that sometimes? I hate saying that because I don’t want it. I’m so confused. I don’t want to be with a girl, I want to be happy with my boyfriend. He’s so lovely. I wish these thoughts could go away, I wish I was normal sometimes. I wish I didn’t have OCD! Like a few days ago, I felt confident and I felt okay and I felt hope. And today it just feels like it’s back to square one. I feel hopeless, I’m tired, and I just don’t know! I’m so scared I’m just lying, I’m so scared I’m using OCD as an excuse, I’m so scared that these thoughts are true or will become true I just don’t realize it yet. I’m struggling so hard.

Somethings wrong and I feel a lot of guilt right now from something I’m not sure is OCD or real and it’s really worrying me. A friend of mine is with someone has a kid and is bi, I’m straight and a Christian. I keep having these thoughts of scenarios of “what if” we ended up together or if really am bi or what if her son becomes mine too and if I hurt people or if I did become bi that people would hate me and that because I had intrusive thoughts about my niece and my friend that they are linked that that if I because bi it would be because of my niece. I’m freaking out. I don’t want to be bi, I don’t want feelings for woman I just want to be normal. I’m not saying it’s wrong at all to be bi but for me I don’t want to be. It’s just not the me I want to be. I don’t know if it’s ocd or not but it feels so real as if I actually do have feelings for my friend and I really hope that’s not the case 💔

TW Omg omg omg please help. It’s bad. Really bad. And I can’t go anywhere because I’m at work. It started off because I’m working with a coworker whose lesbian. And so I’ve been ping-ponging back-and-forth arguing with myself. I know I’m hetero I don’t like women like underneath this but something bad happened. First I passed her because you know I work as a dishwasher so there’s a corner where we stack the dishes when they’re clean and had to pass her and I imagined kissing her and I don’t like it but I’m scared I felt something in my chest. And I’m scared when I try to imagine kissing a guy I didn’t do much of anything but I feel exhausted and I’ve been taking Flexeril and Tylenol p.m. almost nonstop for a month so I’m like OK you know what not only is this probably messing with me like the OCD it’s probably also the Flexeril the Tylenol ganging up on me as well. And I was really excited about the Batman like I’m incredibly excited it’s not past tense but I’m scared I do I don’t like Zoe. I don’t like Selena. I’m scared I do because I’ve seen her I don’t like her boobs I’ve seen her basically naked and I don’t like it. No I’m imagining her in the dress from the 2021 met gala I keep saying don’t or do you don’t or do I don’t but I keep imagining them facing the camera covered in that sparkly should family coming anything and saying as I imagine hurt I’m scared it’s becoming so I feel weird in my chest describing it as but it doesn’t feel hotter delicious her boobs sticking out I didn’t like it. And then I was excited about the BATMAN right and then I said it’s even better with Catlin and it’s not better with her and there’s a scene where they’re walking through club and I love his walk because he’s serious and then said better with her like I’m it’s not better with her except I’m sorry. The thing is I’d liked his walk his shoulders are moving and he obviously has chest muscles so I’m scared I’m changing I’m sorry. He’s walking and then I said I did the imitation of his walk and since I’m not a guy I have boobs and I said better with her I don’t like her boobs. I don’t want to change and become self! I’m not bisexual that stuff is not hot. It’s not done with her I like his chest but I’m scared I have been not lying to myself I don’t like boobs! I saw her boobs basically I’ve seen her completely naked in the structure of her comfortable boobs they’re natural so they sad but she doesn’t wear bras and friends I don’t like her nipples I don’t like her boobs and I’m scared I’m becoming so and I don’t wanna be! I’m not bisexual I did not better with cat woman I don’t have a thing for her and I don’t understand cause I said so excited. Like when I was younger Halle Berry and play woman and I wanted to be like her but that’s it now I’m scared I keep imag managing her like she is she’s not hot as sexy I don’t want boobs to become sexy I don’t want to see them naked and it keeps imagine Halle Berry as a per year I don’t like her boobs I don’t like nipples I don’t like the ones that kind of turn up words I don’t like boobs they’re not it’s not better with cat women I swear I’m excited about Batman not Catwoman I’m scared I’m becoming so I don’t wanna be bisexual and I’m really freaked out I’m really scared to do I don’t like boobs I don’t want to develop anything for them I’m scared I’m I’m not bored of his I’m scared of you and I’m smiling I don’t like the way they stick off the chest or swish around when a woman walks I’m scared when she was walking all bad as I’m scared I don’t like it I said I don’t mind it I do mind I don’t like it I do mind I don’t want to do anything with girls I don’t like the way to stick off the chest and im frightened I am I don’t wanna start liking the way women walk and shit or the way they look naked I don’t like this shit I’m scared he is I don’t want him to go away

It’s been a month since I’ve started trying to find help for my ocd I’m on ssi and get Medicaid in Tennessee and there’s no help for ocd here in Tennessee and no help that accepts me insurance I recently moved into a really nice 1 bedroom apartment but pest control came and sprayed majority of the carpet wit bug spray and I haven’t had a clear thought since that happened I can barely move the apartment was so clean and nice I hadn’t lived in a nice place in along time cause I don’t make much money and all the places I can afford are always dirty and bug infested so this new apartment was a blessing for me the way I felt just relaxed in this big open apartment wit freshly painted walls and brand new carpet the windows are new the blinds are nice this place was pleaseing to look at but it also made me feel better I’ve been liveing in such small dirty places for years in and out of motels and my car this place was just amazing it felt so relaxing to my brain I felt so free then when he sprayed all of that went away I feel like my eyes don’t even acknowledge wats going on in my apartment there not takeing in my surroundings anymore I barely move all day the more I try to do the more my brain try’s to figure out wat touched the carpet it’s really exhausting and overwhelming I had so many plans of getting better here cause I was finally in a good environment to get better and use the tools I learn at home since I had a clean home for the first time in years but it’s not like that anymore i feel like im slowly dieing im so depressed I cry everyday all day since that has happened I’ve called everywere and begged for help I’ve been on so many ocd apps I’ve called hospitals I’ve done everything nowere takes my insurance for ocd treatment im so messed up my schedules so messed up I can’t even get up early enough to call more places im trying so hard but it shouldn’t have to be this hard to get the proper care I need im begging everyone to please help me I want an ocd therapist I want someone who actually understand ocd to prescribe me medicene that’ll actually work I need and want help and always have wanted help I just thought I was always gonna be like this cause noone actually understood my ocd I still need to finish moveing into this apartment but I can’t my old place is 30 minutes away it’s fucking snowing and cold here im exhausted and can barely manage doing my dressing ritual everyday by the time im done I just want to try to relax I have 2 storage units I need to get stuff out of to put in our apartment to I have a pop up camper I was redoing that I didn’t get to finish and it needs to be popped down there’s literally so much that I need to get done that was suppose to be easy but instead my world and apartment has become so contaminated by the bug spray I just can’t do anything but panick I missed court and a doctors appointment even when I do get better there’s gonna be repercussions of my ocd and it sucks and now I have Covid and have been so sick I’ve not even been able to do my dressing ritual which I have to do everyday to put on clean clothes if I don’t do my dressing ritual once a day then I have to do it twice the next watever amount of days I wasn’t able to do the dressing ritual I have to make up for those days so being sick like this really sucks I just need help and I’m at the end of my rope wit this it’s been almost a month i shouldn’t have to beg for help it shouldn’t be so hard to get admitted into a psychiatric hospital just cause my ocd is hard to understand and accommodate im so done wit this shit.

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it is easy to get lost in the envy of people who aren't suffers of ocd. i have lost myself in said envy plenty of times. i think what's important is that our experience of life as people who struggle with ocd may be harder than some, but it's an experience nevertheless, it needs to be cherrished and appreciated as much as your ocd brings you down. you're all fighters, and i'm proud of everyone who is still here in the year 2022. much love -<3

I’m just interested to know what approach to ERP people think is the most effective. I know that NOCD and many other therapists like to use hierarchy and a lot of on purpose exposures, but I’ve found disregarding OCD thoughts I naturally have and not responding to them to also be very effective, and I think it makes a lot more sense than the methods therapists use. Does anyone else share that opinion?

Ok so I’m not someone that normally smokes weed but I have every once in a while and last night I did and it made my OCD so incredibly bad and feel so incredibly real I was having such a hard time. Weed makes my anxiety bad in general, and now I like for sure know that I shouldn’t smoke because it always ends up with me having panic attacks. Am I alone on this?? Like I know it’s only for some people but whenever I do it everything feels real.

My intrusive images have gone away but now every day I feel anxious and cannot stop thinking about “if my intrusive thoughts” come back. It’s almost like I’m having anxiety about anxiety 😞. Been struggling for almost two months and just started medication yesterday for the first time. Will this constant anxious feeling and thinking about it all day everyday ever go away? Really struggling today.

Anyone else dealing with SOOCD feel like their intrusive thoughts must be real deep down and even though they bring you so much distress it’s almost like your brain is convincing itself that they have to be true and they are actually who you are and what you want? I am a straight female and when I think about the fact that I know I could never act on being with another woman and have only ever been in love with men, it’s like my mind is saying that I was faking it with the men and have always really been gay. I’ve also spent so much time ruminating that my mind has rewritten so many scenarios where I know I did not have intrusive thoughts and is making me feel like I actually was having those thoughts. I feel so numb because everything is such a trigger for me right now, and when I see a guy that I think is attractive, my mind is like “nope you don’t actually think that because you are not straight” which is messing with my head so bad because it’s making me feel like my thoughts must actually be true. I want to be with men and only men but every time I try to remind myself of that my brain tells me that I am lying and have never actually felt attracted to men. I just want to go back to feeling normal and being able to admire qualities in women without feeling like it means I am romantically attracted to them and without feeling like it means I do not like men

Of course I'm scared to ask this but I feel like I could feel a bit better with people that have been through the same thing, I haven't been diagnosed yet because my parents are scared of doctors or therapist telling me I'm crazy or something and they really support me but they are trying to do it on their own. What I think I have is Harm OCD and It's really interfering with my life as I'm trying to get through school but when these scary thoughts pop up constantly, my severe anxiety just kinds of kicks in right away and so I took it upon myself to recently book a free call secretly. I'm a Christian and have absolute faith but sometimes I think God wants to speak to us through other people or his "helpers/angels" and so I pray things will work out and I'll get better! It's gotten pretty bad since as a child I always played action games and watched action and horror movies and had no clue Id be insanely scared of all of it years later. I've gotten scared to the point where I was reading the OCD page and read the part where it said violent offenders are gratified by these thoughts and I got scared of this thought that maybe I'm secretly enjoying the thoughts but quickly pushed that away since it's quickly ruined my life by making me stay away from people and anything like knives and tools since I'm horrified to have thoughts when I look at them and even scared to be next to my parents or siblings so that thought got pushed away since I'm for a fact not gratified and instead scared, horrified, worried and other things too. I'm even scared of violence and blood now to the point where I'm exhausting myself everyday trying to thing of something to calm me and getting reassurance from my parents. I'm a teen and going to be old enough to move out pretty soon and don't want my life to be ruined because of this since I love my family and was an easy going guy and always had fun and laughed and was a good person. I would like to hear people's recovery stories. Thank you for reading this long paragraph since I could let out my worries finally!

tw for self harm i want to stab myself so bad for what i almost did but i don’t want to scare my mom this is all my fault

Hi everyone, so I was wondering if you could help me understand what is going on since I’m finally seeing a new therapist and I want to open up more about this. But basically I always have thoughts of harming myself even though I don’t actually want to, and it just gives me comfort to keep thinking about it especially when I become overwhelmed. Like it’s several times a day. I know that’s not good and I really try to avoid it, but I can’t control it. Is that what others experience with harm/ suicidal OCD? It’s just really annoying and I don’t want to end up being involuntarily hospitalized if my new therapist takes it the wrong way because the last time I was in patient was just awful 😞 but I really need to get this out because it’s really hard to keep going back to it and I just feel like my mouth is so shut but my brain is constantly on fire. I just want it to stop!!

It’s very hard for me to open up about my OCD but I think it’s time. At least just a little bit. I am 5 months postpartum and I’ve been dealing with postpartum OCD for 5 months now and it’s been the worst thing I’ve ever had to go through. I always considered myself to be this loving and caring person. I’ve always been an emotional person, too. I always try to be nice to everyone. I never judge anyone. I always try to help out and do my part. I can never NOT donate. I always try to be there for others and I have a hard time saying no. (Just to give you a little in-site of who I am) POSSIBLE TRIGGER WARNING I always had anxiety, at least for the last 10 years I would say. Turns out I had OCD for a long time but didn’t know. Growing up, I was terrified of death but I think that is something most people experience? Then I was terrified of my parents dying. Eventually, that went away though I catch myself in deep thought about it every now and then. In high school, I was terrified of cancer. I’m sorry if that’s triggering for anyone. I know it’s a serious illness and shouldn’t be thrown around lightly. I went through a phase where I was severely worried I had it to the point I believe I made myself sick. I was convinced I had it. I was constantly googling, wanting to go to the Doctor for every little thing, wanting to have blood work done more than regularly, asking my family for reassurance. In 2018, I experienced intrusive thoughts for the first time. Mean intrusive thoughts towards a loved one while away on vacation. Thoughts that began with “I wish” and “I hope” it was quite terrifying. As hard as it is for me to admit, it was regarding illness. I remember crying in the shower and wanting to sleep constantly just so I wouldn’t have the thoughts. I eventually just had to keep reminding myself that I didn’t want those bad things to happen and shortly after we got home those thoughts went away. Eventually that went away. I still had them here & there towards different loved ones but I could easily let them go. Also in 2018, I started to experience what I know now to be Hit & Run OCD. This started out of nowhere after hitting a curb. From that point on I was terrified of hitting a pedestrian and not knowing. Sounds silly right? It would take me 30 minutes to get to work when it should only take me 10. Driving at night time? Ha, forget it. I was told that I was just being paranoid. Same thing when I experienced Health Concern OCD back in high school. My Hit & Run OCD is not nearly as bad as it was prior to having my baby. I’m assuming it’s because I’m now experiencing postpartum OCD. I still turn around to check every so often, but not nearly as much as I used to. I was fine during my entire pregnancy. I didn’t have 1 intrusive thought. I was paranoid about certain things when it came to the health of my pregnancy and unborn baby but nothing out of the ordinary. I’m lucky to be able to say I had a great labor and delivery, even pregnancy. I always wanted to be a mom and to start a family. I always considered myself very grateful to be able to carry & grow a baby. I remember holding my little baby in the hospital and just crying while starting at her. My husband asked me what was wrong and I said “I just love her so much.” There were a few stressful days after being home due to breastfeeding. Baby was having a difficult time latching. I was upset of course because 1. I was determined to breastfeed & 2. I wanted my baby to eat. I remember crying at the pediatrician because I was genuinely worried about my baby. Little did I know I was about to get hit with something so life changing. A few days after we were home from the hospital I experienced my 1st intrusive thought out of the blue. It was while I was holding a piece of string and the thought scared the crap out of me. I tried to let it go. I couldn’t. The more I questioned and thought about it the more frequently the thoughts came. It was horrible. I remember taking my baby’s week old photos with this terrible pit in my stomach because I was so disturb by the intrusive thoughts. I thought to myself “I need to think about anything else other than these horrible images. Anything has to be better than this.” Well, next thing I knew I was having terrible intrusive thoughts that started with “I wish” towards my baby. My little baby. My baby that I always wanted and loved and cared about so much (still do of course). How can I look at my baby and think to myself “I hope” something bad. “I wish” something bad. Again, this is what happened to be back in 2018 but it didn’t hit me THIS hard. I don’t mean to have these thoughts and they’re the complete opposite of how I truly feel. But I feel like I’ve been obsessing over them for so long now (5 months to be exact) it’s all I think about. I get triggered so easily. It’s like my mind can grasp onto anything and turn it into an intrusive thought. It’s not only happening towards my daughter either, it can happen towards literally anybody and it scares me. It’s made me question who I am as a person. It’s made me feel like I wouldn’t care if something were to happen. It’s made me think I actually want these things to happen. It’s very debilitating. I can even have the thoughts towards myself. I just want to feel like my old self again. I feel like I don’t get upset over things anymore or happy about other things. I love my daughter and I love being her mom. I wouldn’t trade this for the world despite what I’m going through. She makes me so happy. I enjoy being with her. I want to and I’m determined to get better for her no matter how long it takes. I also am hopeful for more children. The hardest part is feeling alone. Feeling like I’m the only person on this planet who experiences the thoughts I experience everyday all day. The intrusive thoughts that have taken the most toll on me are the ones that are mean and start with “I wish” “I hope” “I want” and “I don’t care” that can be related to illness and/or something bad happening so if anyone experiences those or can relate to any of this please share. This has made me feel like a complete monster and so lonely and very hopeless at times. If you made it this far I appreciate you. This was hard to write and sadly I feel like there’s so much more I could say but I would be here for hours. Even if this post goes unnoticed it felt so good to vent a little and share part of my story. ❤️

I get scared I’m just not being myself. Like anything I pick out at a store I wonder if I actually like it or I’m just pretending to be someone I’m not and that’s why I “like it” idk if this makes sense but I keep feeling like it lately when I’m wearing things that I do genuinely like, I obsess over the fact “what if I only like it because I’m wanting to be someone I’m not.” And it feels like I’m just always lying about who I am ahhh!!

For Christians with scrupulosity, have any of you made a pretty intense hierarchy and be willing to share? My therapist challenged me to build one that increases in intensity and suggested having my palm read, visiting a Wiccan church, and other things. She said only do what I’m comfortable doing. I want to be tough and challenge my anxiety, But I’m more comfortable with imaginable exposure like script writing so far.

I've read people with OCD shouldn't trust their intuition. Does that mean I am adviced to keep analyzing if my intuition tells me not to?