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It’s very hard for me to open up about my OCD but I think it’s time. At least just a little bit. I am 5 months postpartum and I’ve been dealing with postpartum OCD for 5 months now and it’s been the worst thing I’ve ever had to go through. I always considered myself to be this loving and caring person. I’ve always been an emotional person, too. I always try to be nice to everyone. I never judge anyone. I always try to help out and do my part. I can never NOT donate. I always try to be there for others and I have a hard time saying no. (Just to give you a little in-site of who I am) POSSIBLE TRIGGER WARNING I always had anxiety, at least for the last 10 years I would say. Turns out I had OCD for a long time but didn’t know. Growing up, I was terrified of death but I think that is something most people experience? Then I was terrified of my parents dying. Eventually, that went away though I catch myself in deep thought about it every now and then. In high school, I was terrified of cancer. I’m sorry if that’s triggering for anyone. I know it’s a serious illness and shouldn’t be thrown around lightly. I went through a phase where I was severely worried I had it to the point I believe I made myself sick. I was convinced I had it. I was constantly googling, wanting to go to the Doctor for every little thing, wanting to have blood work done more than regularly, asking my family for reassurance. In 2018, I experienced intrusive thoughts for the first time. Mean intrusive thoughts towards a loved one while away on vacation. Thoughts that began with “I wish” and “I hope” it was quite terrifying. As hard as it is for me to admit, it was regarding illness. I remember crying in the shower and wanting to sleep constantly just so I wouldn’t have the thoughts. I eventually just had to keep reminding myself that I didn’t want those bad things to happen and shortly after we got home those thoughts went away. Eventually that went away. I still had them here & there towards different loved ones but I could easily let them go. Also in 2018, I started to experience what I know now to be Hit & Run OCD. This started out of nowhere after hitting a curb. From that point on I was terrified of hitting a pedestrian and not knowing. Sounds silly right? It would take me 30 minutes to get to work when it should only take me 10. Driving at night time? Ha, forget it. I was told that I was just being paranoid. Same thing when I experienced Health Concern OCD back in high school. My Hit & Run OCD is not nearly as bad as it was prior to having my baby. I’m assuming it’s because I’m now experiencing postpartum OCD. I still turn around to check every so often, but not nearly as much as I used to. I was fine during my entire pregnancy. I didn’t have 1 intrusive thought. I was paranoid about certain things when it came to the health of my pregnancy and unborn baby but nothing out of the ordinary. I’m lucky to be able to say I had a great labor and delivery, even pregnancy. I always wanted to be a mom and to start a family. I always considered myself very grateful to be able to carry & grow a baby. I remember holding my little baby in the hospital and just crying while starting at her. My husband asked me what was wrong and I said “I just love her so much.” There were a few stressful days after being home due to breastfeeding. Baby was having a difficult time latching. I was upset of course because 1. I was determined to breastfeed & 2. I wanted my baby to eat. I remember crying at the pediatrician because I was genuinely worried about my baby. Little did I know I was about to get hit with something so life changing. A few days after we were home from the hospital I experienced my 1st intrusive thought out of the blue. It was while I was holding a piece of string and the thought scared the crap out of me. I tried to let it go. I couldn’t. The more I questioned and thought about it the more frequently the thoughts came. It was horrible. I remember taking my baby’s week old photos with this terrible pit in my stomach because I was so disturb by the intrusive thoughts. I thought to myself “I need to think about anything else other than these horrible images. Anything has to be better than this.” Well, next thing I knew I was having terrible intrusive thoughts that started with “I wish” towards my baby. My little baby. My baby that I always wanted and loved and cared about so much (still do of course). How can I look at my baby and think to myself “I hope” something bad. “I wish” something bad. Again, this is what happened to be back in 2018 but it didn’t hit me THIS hard. I don’t mean to have these thoughts and they’re the complete opposite of how I truly feel. But I feel like I’ve been obsessing over them for so long now (5 months to be exact) it’s all I think about. I get triggered so easily. It’s like my mind can grasp onto anything and turn it into an intrusive thought. It’s not only happening towards my daughter either, it can happen towards literally anybody and it scares me. It’s made me question who I am as a person. It’s made me feel like I wouldn’t care if something were to happen. It’s made me think I actually want these things to happen. It’s very debilitating. I can even have the thoughts towards myself. I just want to feel like my old self again. I feel like I don’t get upset over things anymore or happy about other things. I love my daughter and I love being her mom. I wouldn’t trade this for the world despite what I’m going through. She makes me so happy. I enjoy being with her. I want to and I’m determined to get better for her no matter how long it takes. I also am hopeful for more children. The hardest part is feeling alone. Feeling like I’m the only person on this planet who experiences the thoughts I experience everyday all day. The intrusive thoughts that have taken the most toll on me are the ones that are mean and start with “I wish” “I hope” “I want” and “I don’t care” that can be related to illness and/or something bad happening so if anyone experiences those or can relate to any of this please share. This has made me feel like a complete monster and so lonely and very hopeless at times. If you made it this far I appreciate you. This was hard to write and sadly I feel like there’s so much more I could say but I would be here for hours. Even if this post goes unnoticed it felt so good to vent a little and share part of my story. ❤️

I get scared I’m just not being myself. Like anything I pick out at a store I wonder if I actually like it or I’m just pretending to be someone I’m not and that’s why I “like it” idk if this makes sense but I keep feeling like it lately when I’m wearing things that I do genuinely like, I obsess over the fact “what if I only like it because I’m wanting to be someone I’m not.” And it feels like I’m just always lying about who I am ahhh!!

For Christians with scrupulosity, have any of you made a pretty intense hierarchy and be willing to share? My therapist challenged me to build one that increases in intensity and suggested having my palm read, visiting a Wiccan church, and other things. She said only do what I’m comfortable doing. I want to be tough and challenge my anxiety, But I’m more comfortable with imaginable exposure like script writing so far.

I've read people with OCD shouldn't trust their intuition. Does that mean I am adviced to keep analyzing if my intuition tells me not to?

All of this happened to me after i started to be very interested about sex. I was reading different articles on the internet, things on wattpad, even started to watch p*rn. And i was feeling aroused when looking at girls, and at first, i didn't think much about it, but after some months, i was talking to a girl about lgbt and the question popped in my head: what if i'm bi? It seemed stupid at first, because i had crushes only on boys in my life, but i started to remember these details and i got very anxious. I can't explain why i get aroused when i look at naked girls, maybe i'm subconsciously putting myself in their place, maybe i just associate it with something sexual, because i don't want to do anything with the girls i see. In that period, i started to get thoughts not only about girls, but about pedophilia, bestiality..it was horrible, and i feel like now it's all coming back. I remembered that some years ago i watched on youtube some videos of dogs mating and i don't know if i felt aroused, but i looked with curiosity...this disturbed me a lot at the moment and even now when i'm writing it i feel horrible, i'm trembling, i feel gross.. I don't understand my sexuality, it seems like everything sexual arouses me, or i don't know. But i feel ashamed to talk about this stuff with my therapist or my parents, i told them just the less shameful things. I don't know what to do. Do i have some sexual or hormonal disease? Am i a crazy creep? It's even worse that i'm disgusted with myself and i don't want to express these thoughts with anyone.

So many “what ifs” 😫 and so many false feelings of it being real ahhh

My therapist said to be that she wasn’t sure if I have ROCD on my call to her yesterday and now I feel really anxious! I love my boyfriend I desperately want things to work out between us but my obsession is I worry that I’m not attracted to him like the spark is missing. The more I get to know him the closer I feel to him and I adore him. No he’s not my usual type and I think In the beginning this held me back getting close to him as I had a very strict idea of what I wanted and I would always discount anyone who fit didn’t fit that type without getting to know them (shallow yes)! But with him I’ve fallen in love with non superficial things but this past idea of ‘type’ is stopping me from being completely vulnerable as I think I’ve conditioned myself to believe it’s wrong as it isn’t the person I imagined myself being with in my head. Like if things are going well I tell myself ‘ don’t fool yourself you’re only going to hurt him in the long run cause he’s not your type deep down.’ I worry about what other people will think , like I worry about people making negative comments about him and I hate that I care about that. I’ve always cared what other people think of me too much and now I’ve projected this onto my boyfriend. In the past I’ve never properly loved someone as I always selfishly picked someone who I thought looked good next to me kind of thing , I haven’t had many serious relationships where I’ve shown my true self it’s been all about flirting and proving to myself that I was good enough to be with that person to be honest. With my boyfriend it’s so different we know each other so well we have so much in common and I just need some advice now :(

I don’t know what to do because I want to stop imagining scenarios/checking but I feel like if I force myself to stop doing that, then I’m in denial? Like I’ll start to think ‘you’re trying not to think about it because you don’t want to acknowledge it’. Does that make sense? Or like my tiktok feed right now is just full of lgbt content because I use it all as a means of checking, and I don’t want to do it anymore but I feel like if I don’t watch them, I’m purposefully avoiding because I’m in denial or something. I want to scream.

Has anyone else with SOOCD found themselves mentally reviewing literally every interaction they’ve ever had with the sex that their OCD is telling them they are attracted to rather than the want they want and know themselves to be attracted to?? I am a straight female and ever since my OCD flared up about two months ago I have spent every minute of every day ruminating over past experiences and my mind has convinced me that I was attracted to virtually every female figure in my life, even though I have never actually acted on any of these presumptions. Likewise, my brain is pushing away all of the actual memories I have of being in love with past boyfriends and having crushes on guys. Now, when I see a girl anywhere I freak out and automatically assume I’m attracted to them, even though the thought of being gay makes me sick to my stomach and is never something that I want to act on. And also, when I see any guy that I find attractive, I will acknowledge that I find them attractive but it’s like my mind is telling me I’m faking it because I must actually like women. These thoughts are so incredibly painful because I feel like my attraction to men is fading away even though I only ever want to be with men in the future. I feel like I’m numb to everything and it’s making the anxiety soso much worse. Anyone who can relate or provide any advice would be greatly appreciated.

If I see a guy at school who I find attractive I can imagine myself doing things with him and I enjoy the thought but if he posts a shirtless pic then I feel like I don’t like his figure as much anymore and like I wouldn’t actually enjoy doing things with him. I’m scared this a sign

How to stop ruminating without distracting yourself?

I wanted to give some advice to my rOCD friends. I also have rOCD, but I’m happy to say that nearly 2 years after my diagnosis I’m doing much better and am in a loving relationship. I see a lot of you worrying about whether or not you’re with the right partner. Worrying about if you actually love them or find them attractive. And of course, worrying that you don’t actually have rOCD. It sucks, I know. I used to worry about the same things too (and still do, just far less). I’m not here to tell you that you’re partner is right for you, because idk if that’s true. You could very well be with someone who’s not good for you. Or you could be with someone who is good for you. That’s beside the point. The point is that regardless of whether your partner is right for you or not, a person without rOCD doesn’t worry like we do. The anxiety, ruminating, and constant questioning and reassurance-seeking we do is not typical for most people. Why am I saying this? Because I want you to try ERP. A lot of you seem very hesitant to give ERP an honest try for more than a few days because there’s this fear that you’re lying to yourself. I understand, I used to feel like that too. But regardless of whether or not you’re lying to yourself or not, the amount of suffering and anxiety you experience is not warranted even if you are with the wrong person. The only way to recover from this anxiety is to expose yourself to it and face it head-on. Maybe you do ERP for a few weeks and you come out the other side realizing you don’t live your partner. So be it. Maybe you come out realizing you still love your partner. Both scenarios can happen. The point of ERP is to help you accept your negative intrusive thoughts, not to save your relationship. Whether or not you should stay with your partner, I can’t say. What I can say is that you can’t properly make that judgment when you’re plagued with all these intrusive thoughts and anxiety. So treat that first. Only when you learn to accept your intrusive thoughts and not let them bother you can you really make some sort of judgment. Even then things will never be certain. But that’s ok. You guys got this 💪🏼

I had a dream in which I’m sexually assaulting my little brother and justifying it and explaining to him that there is nothing wrong with it and i did not feel bad in the dream i am so scared

Wow really sucks when you get no replies, is it because people think Im gay now or bc i posted too much? either way i had it coming bc I wouldve done the same thing. Its just frustrating. Why couldnt have I gotten covid and passed away? Or some terminal illness with weeks to live? God, d3ath seems so bloody peaceful every mintue Im awake. I hope no other hocd sufferers end up like me. Dont flag this ffs

[Vent] Feeling very tired… I have a bit of a mixed bag of themes that like to tag in and out of my mind if not tangling with each other. I’ve been dealing with it for about 3 years now and it’s effected me to varying degrees that whole time. In the beginning especially, or with the surfacing of a new theme it would be so distressing to me. I’ve been to very dark places a few times over the years, hanging on by just about a thread more than once. Right now I’m thankfully doing better, but am also feeling concerned with this sort of… I guess “emotional blunting” with the biggest themes I have; especially in regards to my more taboo themes. Logistically, I know I’m just exhausted and drained from all the stress in regards to OCD and micromanaging my own behavior and thoughts almost every waking moment of my life. Probably also just desensitized to being so disturbed and scared after feeling that way just about everyday all day for 3 solid years. But god, it still it getting to me. I can still feel it even though it feels buried under this numbness. I’m aware of this feeling, though OCD continues to do what it does best, I suppose. It tells me I feel this way because I want to, that I’m a bad person, that I wouldn’t preform my compulsions of it wasn’t real, that I don’t have OCD, that I don’t or no longer belong in these spaces because this time it’s different, that OCD has just been my cop out all this time, That people have suffered for way longer and still get super anxious with their themes (this is an awful one.) or that I have desires and urges that I don’t really want or have. And it’s using my inability, or better yet, my exhaustion of emotion or willingness to fight back as much against me as it’s proof. I think something that fuels this is people always talk about how anxious they feel and how OCD leaves them in such a state of high alert and darkness. We’ve all been there, I think that’s pretty much the whole point of OCD lol and it is truly awful. But I also rarely, if ever, see anyone talk about if they eventually hit this wall of just feeling almost nothing… they don’t have it in them to fight back this time, they can’t seem to get a rise out of themselves as strong as one before, or apparently can’t seem to feel as guilty as they did once before. But it feels involuntary, like you just don’t have the fire in you to do it anymore. Like you have given up and OCD won and you are what you are and you’re not sure how to feel or what to do anymore. It hurts and you hate it so much but you also feel like a beaten horse and you just have to deal with it now. You still have all the symptoms and compulsions as you did before but it feels mindless and you don’t know if you can even call it what it actually is as being OCD anymore. idk I just kinda wanted to write out my recent feelings in hopes someone might relate to it. I’m worried that I may have lost (whatever that means) or maybe my OCD was all a lie this whole time or at least this time, even though I know that’s a common fear. Maybe this was partially written as trying for reassurance that this has been OCD all along, all this time and I’m just sitting at a low point but I’d also hope that since this doesn’t seem to be talked about much, maybe someone else can read it too and know they’re not alone either. Hope everyone is well 💜

Christians and ERP question: My OCD revolves around religion (Christian) and harm, often tying them together with arbitrary scriptures from the Old Testament. My compulsions are usually answering the questionable passages with things that help me resolve the uncertainty of the passage and how it relates to me. My therapist wants me to do exposures of reading these scriptures without finding the answers through research or even my own logic. Just let the question be there. This is so very hard because it threatens to pull my faith out from underneath me if I don’t answer it. Some of the questions are so anxiety-provoking because they are Old Testament laws of wrath and punishment. I know all the Christian answers to these, and I could easily answer it. Sometimes this will bring relief, other times it won’t. So, my challenge is simply not answering it, which then leaves me in a state of deep confusion. Anyways, since these are questions many people have and struggle with that don’t have OCD, I wonder how this can be OCD?? I’ve had OCD in other themes (HoCD, harm ocd), but this just seems so different because they are valid and legit questions and I just want to resolve them! Anybody have any insight into this?

Had my first NOCD therapist meeting today. He said the ERP normally only results in 35% reduction in symptoms or whatever. I feel like that seems a little low compared to what I’ve read. Also there are some therapist like Ali Greymond that say 100% recover is possible. I think that’s a little unrealistic as well, but I would hope it’s more than 35%

Hi! I’m Alyssa, I’m 22. I’ve been a perfectionist for as long as I can remember but I thought it was just a quirk about me, and also something that would assist my ambition in getting me where I needed. I am not very *organized* or *clean* per say, so OCD is never something I considered for myself. I recently confronted my anxiety about the future with my CBT therapist (who I love) and took a hiatus because I was doing a lot better. Basically, I am obsessed with things happening just the way I expected them to, having my reality completely aligning with my hopes and dreams. Otherwise I can’t feel peace. I’ve been with the same person for about 15 months now, and every single thing about him and us is lovely. However, I keep feeling doubts and crippling anxiety about our future together. I feel like I need to find this certainty and unbounded contentment with him. Isn’t that how you “know”? That’s the construct of love and marriage I created for myself at some point in my life. I’ve had no one in my family get divorced and the pressure of living up to that expectation makes it so hard to move forward with a marriage. I can’t make the wrong move, but how do I *know*? It’s a lot of unreasonable pressure on my sweet oblivious boyfriend. I feel like I betray him every time I see him because what if I don’t love him the way he loves me? I don’t feel contentment. I keep googling and googling looking for confirmation that, no, this IS normal. Or I immediately rush to a trusted friend to assure me of how great we are together. These intrusive thoughts have been ruining my time with him and I feel compelled to end it just to feel the temporary relief that comes with it. I almost did once, but I couldn’t go through with it when considering the gaping “him”-shaped hole it would leave in my life. Fast forward to me discovering the anxiety love coach podcast on spotify. I never knew that relationship OCD existed and I have never felt so seen or validated. I am hopeful now that I can soothe these future-related invasive thoughts and be happy in my healthy relationship.

It feels like I don’t find the male body attractive at all anymore but what’s worse is that I never really payed attention to body before this at least not look wise. I still found a guy with a great body good looking, but I was more interested in the way a guy smelled, how nervous I would get around him, his warmth and how nice it felt to lean against a biggest smooth chest. What’s worse is I feel like I find my partner ugly now even though before I loved being near him and hugging him and touching him and kissing him, it’s true I didn’t really pay much attention to his looks but I still thought he was the most beautiful boy and I still wanted to be near his body but I feel like I’m lying when I say that. I’m going insane with all these stupid thoughts. I feel doomed.

Anyone have any tips for quitting watching porn? Realized how bad and fucked up it is, and with OCD its just an unnecesarry habit