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Let me tell you about the last two years I’ve had and maybe it will make sense to me through telling you, why my ocd came back. Let me start by saying I’ve moved 5 times in the past 2 years and I’ve gone from London to Glasgow. After quitting a finance job which I hated, and being cheated on by a long term partner who I dumped, I started working and studying as an artist. This was my dream. Lockdown happened soon after and the studio I was with went bankrupt. I begun to finally open up in therapy about my childhood and the abuse I suffered. I made good progress with this and have grown. I caught covid in the first wave however and it destroyed my health. So I spent a lot of time building up my strength and actually got very into bodybuilding. Unfortunately the woman I fell in love with through my art turned out to be married though. I hasn’t understood at first and I loved her with everything I had. She told me her husband abused her and that she was leaving him. So I took her in and looked after her. One day she left me, with no explanation, but I later found out she’d gone back to him for money. I have never felt more betrayed or used but I was naive. Two days after this happened, last July, my cousin who is also my best friend told me he couldn’t afford the rent. He said we’d look for somewhere together. I then found out he had signed a house with some friends and didn’t know how to tell me. Nothing malicious just a bit cowardly and didn’t give me a chance. I was left without my partner and best friend and with no studio or place to live. So heartbroken, I took on a family job and moved to Scotland but carried on art part time. I went from hard earned post-covid fitness and became an alcoholic though, and addicted to smoking on 40 a day. I ended up with kidney stones and a stomach ulcer. Then my dog nearly died! Had to have an operation that cost 10,000 pounds! He pulled through thankfully. After sleeping around which is really unlike me I fell into a relationship with someone who seemed really stable and I tried to get my act together. Then another lockdown happened and we spent more time together. She ended up being abusive and demeaned me constantly. On two occasions she hit me during sex without consent. I left her after a short time. At this time my mum became very ill with pancreatitis. She nearly died and I wasn’t allowed to visit her. I had to look into her frightened eyes on FaceTime. I felt responsible because i’d told her that I’d been sexually abused as a child only months earlier. Unfortunately it was her mistake which had allowed the predator to attack me and I’d hid it for 24 years from my family out of shame. This is when ocd struck hard! Constant doubt, fears of betrayal, imagined situations and compulsions to try and protect myself. I’ve been clean from alcohol and smoking for 8 months. I found an ocd therapist and have been working hard. I met a wonderful partner who recently moved in with me. I have moved from partner to partner but I think some people are like that. I just like being in a relationship and I want to find the right person. I know think I have. She’s very sweet, and kind and supportive of my Ocd. Things have been hard at times. She has MS, and a week after she moved in, her mum nearly died of covid and was in a respirator for a month. She luckily pulled through with a 1 in 2 chance. This all triggered her MS which had been in remission. I have been acting as her carer while trying to recover from ocd. Some of my ocd has been around betrayal and cheating, so it’s been hard work to separate this from the relationship and see it in the context of trauma and abuse. To top it off the covid backlog caused a delay in her lifesaving medication so I went to our mp and the ceo of our health board to get her immediate access. It was a hard battle but we won and it’s saved her life. All that pressure was on me because I knew I could help and I love her. I have just had the biggest ocd episode today that’s lasted 7 hours of repeated checking and I’m completely lost. But really I think I’m doing alright considering. It’s no surprise my Ocd came back and to even to begin to be in recovery after the time I’ve had, and to have had a few good weeks, to be able to support someone in a relationship and to experience love, I think I’m one strong, resilient motherfucker. Fuck 2021. Fuck depression. Fuck Ocd. If I can survive that, I can survive anything. I love myself just for still being here when it would have been so much easier not to. But I won’t give up. Ever. And one day soon the tide will change in my favour and I hope that these tests have given me the strength to make the most of a good life.

TW* The physical symptoms of anxiety and depression are devastating me man, its so hard to do anything. This is really happening, first my hocd thoughts come true and now Im trans. Thinking about coming out is tiving me so much anxiety and fear this surely means I am that thing. It feels like I never really understood what love meant and and how relationships worked and I was just following what people around me wered doing ie chasing girls which is why I wanted gf and liked girls, even my sexual attraction to them Ive told myself was fake and not real and true. My whole life, every interaction pretty much seems/serves as a big proof that im gay/trans. I dont know what to do. I feel really ill. Something that made genuienly depressed me yesterday was that my mother is having trouble with my dad and i told her stop bothering with him and leave him be she said " I want to leave him for real and If i can be strong for her and my little brother that is all i want, we're in America, there is so many opportunitues". I fucking hated hearing those words from her, I cant take care of myself one bit, how am I going to give her and my little bro a good life. I wish she could just forget that I exist, so I can deal with this fucking shitshow of a life in peace or better yet just Kms.

I have been married for 18years and have been with my wife for a total of 20 years. Our lives have taken on completely separate paths. I am the only one working because we moved to another state 6 years ago for my job. She has not been able to find good work with her skill sets. She has had countless jobs since the move but nothing steady. I told her to quit multiple times and she has. She is now in school but stopped because she said she hated the way she was being treated. It was an online program. She has since began a certification program with the idea that once she achieves that she will reenroll in school to finish her degree. I am totally supportive of her choices and want her to be successful.   I have OCD and also have an amazing career. She has been super supportive of me. I will never question or accuse her of not being supportive. But we are now getting ready for divorce. My OCD has caused a lot of strife and negativity in our marriage. I have also had "inappropriate" relationships with other women that I have worked with. Let me expand on this... I have never physically cheated or come close to that.   Maybe 5 years ago I was having a conversation with a woman whom I had worked with about our miscarriages and she was telling me similar information about her inability to get pregnant. It was an honest and raw conversation. I felt like if I wanted to I could kiss her. I am not sure why I felt that way but I did. Maybe it was that we were connecting on a empathetic level about things that were incredibly difficult to deal with. I felt so guilty that I confessed to my wife this information. You see, that's what I do to relieve the anxiety. I ruminate and need to confess. It sucks. Another time my wife and I went out with another couple. I worked with both of them but closely with the wife of the couple. We developed a very friendly relationship and when we were out we were talking closely and laughing and she touched my arm flirtatiously. My wife was so pissed and I now have had another “inappropriate”relationship in her mind.   I also had a coworker woman at another job that I reassured and helped a bit by being supportive during some work strife. I helped get some games and stuff together from the staff when her daughter was in the hospital. We went to a one day training and had lunch but nothing more. Most of these situations I knew there was a bit of attraction but I would never go as far as acting on that. No secret texts, get togethers, or emails or things like that. Nothing physical or intimate.   Speaking of, my wife and I have intimacy issues and have for a long time. There are reasons which are not for me to share. She also has a terrible relationship with her family mostly. I am not sure how to be any more supportive of her regarding her stuff. The patience and understanding has worn thin or is no longer in existence. Everyday is another day filled with tension, frustration, and general unhappiness. The magnitude of what I have done to create a space of negativity is really setting in. We fought again today and she told me she hated me and to F off. It was intense. There is a bunch of anger, resentment, animosity, frustration, and deep wounds that she carries towards me. My wife is built to not forgive or forget. She remembers everything and if anyone crosses her she is deeply wounded.   I know that my OCD has been a big part of our issues. I try to own that as best I can. Its hard for me to hear things like I am the reason why she stopped school or that she is going to move across the country to get away from me, that I am untrustworthy and that I have betrayed her. I don’t really have a response to them because she felt like her school was mistreating her and she wanted to switch schools which I completely supported and helped with but the transfer credits didn’t add up to being done quicker so she ended up starting a certification program instead and will reenroll in school again soon. So is my betrayal the reason or is it way to blame me? I do get defensive a bit because I feel like I didn’t do really anything. But I also need to understand that if she feels these things that she tells me, that is her reality and I have to be ok with that. While I feel like I didn’t do anything really, to her I did and I cannot change that. I feel sick over all of this. I look at her and can’t believe that I cause(d) her so much pain and suffering but I have. Some of my actions are OCD related for sure. It governs everything. I am in therapy and on meds but this is an anxiety driven mental illness. So the way that things are between us right now is brutal. She suggests that I use it as an excuse for poor behavior or to make bad decisions. This I cannot answer as I want to hold myself accountable for my actions and thoughts. We have talked about the “inappropriate” relationships countless times and I now just agree with her that I have betrayed her even though I am not too sure. She asked me if I would have divorced her if the tables were turned and I said yes. But I don’t know. It is easier to just agree than to fight about it. If I don’t agree with her than I am bot taking responsibility or if I defend myself than I am gaslighting her.   I feel so responsible for everything that has gone wrong in my marriage. If I don’t own everything that I do or say or not do or not say or when I have OCD about something and I confess, then I am the common denominator in my marriage downfall. Its all me. I am the failure with all if my OCD and character flaws.   I have no excuses other than to try to cope. I am so ashamed of everything... my confessions, these “improper” relationships, the time that I was wasted and said some things to my wife and she will never forget or forgive me for. She says that she is scared of me, I make poor choices with many things, that I am a narcissist, I don’t pay attention to her, I don’t care about her. I have never been abusive towards her in any way. I try to build up instead of tear down. I am not perfect obviously, but that is just in my nature to be positive and want to help. But at different tomes, OCD has made me confess dark and shameful thoughts. My Dad died in July and there was a celebration of life in August. I flew back home to be with my Mom and to coordinate. My wife stayed here with our dog. We fought the entire time I was there and she reminded me that she was leaving me because of what I described above. The other time I went back for the celebration of life, we fought again the entire time. I have never felt so alone and disconnected. I am not sure I have even grieved yet. Too much guilt and anxiety from the marital problems. I am a mess and needed to get some of this out. Thanks for reading this. I appreciate it.

I’m suffering from ROCD and yesterday I felt so overwhelmed with everything that I suddenly bursted into tears in front of my boyfriend. I wanted to break up and told him that I feel very uncomfortable since a few weeks and that I miss my home and my family. I just wanted to run away. He didn’t know that I wanted to break up, he calmed me and took me in his arms. Then we fell both asleep and I was doing better afterwards. But now I feel ao devastated that I had this break up urge. I don’t know what to do now. I want to stay with him. This conversation yesterday changed my point of view. But I feel the need to confessto him what I wanted to say yesterday. But he would be so devastated. I feel so lost 🥺 I love him and I want to stay.

Does anyone experience a worry or thought that your partner doesn’t want to be with you or doesn’t want a future with you? Like my thoughts are telling me this and they feel so real. :( like I don’t want this to be a thought and there’s no real indicators that he doesn’t we have been together for 2.5 years. I just have this fear maybe ?

I am embarrassed by the amount of times I’ve posted. I’m determined to get that number down by not posting tomorrow. I may comment but I am determined not to post. Doesn’t matter cause people don’t seem to see my stuff anyway So I work as a dishwasher in a restaurant in downtown Pasadena. I worked with this girl with a lesbian and she made a very obvious and I’m not even being mean she straight up said it. And told me about her history. I mean I’ve been spiking on and off pretty bad probably since I started working here and maybe not directly because of that although it probably didn’t help. But today that coworker came up to me and was I’m scared she’s she’s not cute and I said something about snaggletooth but it’s just that she’s a girl I don’t really care their teeth are not perfect. My guys teeth aren’t perfect they’re nice but they’re not perfect and I don’t care. But she came up to me and I keep saying stuff like she’s but she’s not cute. Not like that. Personality’s cool but I don’t swing that way but I’m scared that I don’t have confidence in that but I do genuinely doubt. Then I thought of a model like I do but I don’t find any shape or size of a woman’s chest or body parts attractive or just them in general all encompassing. Anyway this culture comes up to me and I keep feeling like because she’s smiling and I act like that is but it’s not cute but she’s smiling and I’m instantaneously suspicious. Because of the way it is I’m like I’m always suspicious when someone’s like I have to ask you something proceeds to smile and I keep getting scared saying that she’s not cute I don’t swing both ways I’m scared when I told her that I’m straight I wasn’t lying but now I feel weird as I am but I’m not lying! So she told me a guy coworker likes me and I was already able to get her a buzz. And I feel bad because it’s not like the guys not nice but I’m not attracted to him and he came onto strong and seems bit too sensitive and the weird thing is the guy I want is incredibly sensitive but somehow not delicate. I don’t know if it’s just because the person you want they could be or they could have a certain trait in you’re fine with it but if someone else has the same trait and you don’t like them then it bugs you. But when the coworker told me that I keep feeling weird thinking of how she was like smiling at me and I don’t like women and now I said him I’m more than like my guy don’t like the dude she’s talking about. I can’t get over the smile and I my heart feels funny but I don’t like her or any woman like that I don’t know why my heart feels funny and I imagine because she’s smiling at me and she’s close like it’s not just that it’s also that I have a really really sensitive sense of personal space. For someone who is so small I need a great deal of personal space it’s weird. And I looked and she’s like oh I’m not hitting on you I’m like well that’s good but I’m still panicking a little bit I’m like stop it you’re being an idiot. And she like someone likes you and I’m scared I keep saying she’s but she’s not cute and I don’t swing that way and I’m scared I can’t say that with confidence anymore and I hate it! I don’t like her and I looked at her lips and I thought of and I’m scared I didn’t really feel anything I don’t know if I felt anything imagine kissing her when she’s talking like that right close to me but I pushed it aside and I know I don’t want that and when I said I’m straight I was telling the truth. And then she said no it’s a guy that likes you my God thank God and there was her leave and I’m like no offense and she didn’t take it personally. I keep saying she’s she’s not that cute not that kind. And I don’t know if it’s the amount of pills I’ve taken like Tylenol p.m. because I took a Tylenol p.m. full strength so it’s like two pills and magnesium tablet like the vitamin. And I am fucking feeling it like I am so heavy in my head. But has anyone ever experienced this? Like I was looking at her with her girlfriend and I feel weird because I’m I said there’s nothing wrong with thinking of boobs but there’s everything went wrong with my thoughts and I’m like oh wow that’s exactly the opposite how I feel or that’s how I feel about guys not girls like I look at them and I realize that’s really not me. And I don’t like thinking there’s nothing wrong with my thoughts because I don’t like them but I don’t like realizing all does nothing wrong thinking of when you don’t like them but there I don’t wanna think there’s nothing wrong I don’t it doesn’t feel right that’s for sure it doesn’t feel good those kind of thoughts about females and their body parts don’t do it for me so I don’t like thinking all there’s nothing wrong with having those thoughts there is it’s not right for me. But looking at them like I’m like oh well I’m really not like that it’s just not me and I don’t mean like that as in good or bad it’s just not me. And I’m scared when I said that I imagined round boobs in squeezing them like I do when I imagine but I don’t want to do a guys and babies do I don’t want to do that so the sites are wrong to me. And that was after I looked at them to get annoying I don’t feel like that about the same and I said about but I feel the same about guys not the same sex I don’t like insinuating otherwise. And I don’t know why I feel bad that I said the guys too sensitive when I really very much more than like a sensitive guy and I’m scared that I don’t and he is too but I don’t want anything to put me off my god he’s I’ll think he’s too sensitive I don’t know if it’s just the way he handles it’s probably different I’m scared he is and I don’t want to be like that. Like my mom who’s kind of hard as sometimes about guys being too sensitive like she acts like she’s sensitive but then she can be kind of callous sometimes. I love sensitive guys but I just don’t like this particular one

Does anyone else feel like they are constantly in trouble or doing something wrong? I think that way every day.

Anyone else get triggered just by hearing the words “gay” or “lgbt” or anything to do with that? I am a straight woman and this never used to phase me at all but lately it brings on strong HOCD thoughts and it is so distressing.

TW: Urgh. I was doing a lot better but I woke up to having a lesbian dream and I think I was enjoying it. Now I just feel numb and like I need to just accept reality. I don’t want to leave my boyfriend. I feel so sad but also just foggy. It doesn’t help because I filed for a prescription on Monday because I was about to run out of sertraline, they still haven’t sorted it for me so I’ve had to have 3 days without my meds.

Has anyone ever had an OCD spike and you start to think it doesn’t feel like OCD but it still doesn’t feel right?

I am struggling with the idea of getting vaccinated (and have for a while) - not because I’m scared of the actual vaccine, but because my OCD was originally triggered by me taking a substance that caused a month long anxiety episode and ended up giving me issues with body scanning etc. I’m worried that the vaccine will cause this same reaction in me and make my OCD hard to deal with while I’m at university, as I can’t afford to lose the months I did last year again. Is there any advice anyone could give for getting the vaccine + dealing with anxiety after, as I really want to get it.

Having bad Rocd and in the end of the day feeling numb, depressed, guilty and having insomnia. Throughout the day I would ruminate, go on compulsions and so the story goes. The past few days I believed i got it a little controlled but BOOM!!! It came back massively and hit me like a terrible monster. I buy everything Rocd sells and I am it's victim. I feel imprisoned and all I need is some freedom and peace...is it ever going yo happen?

I just got in a huge fight with my mom about trans rights. She thinks “girls” will never look like boys, and I got really upset because some of my closest friends are trans, so now she’s like “WELL WHY DO YOU CARE SO MUCH?!!?!” And I’m worried that now she thinks I’m trans, which I am not. It just makes me upset to hear her talk about my friends appearance like that. Or maybe she thinks I’m gay cuz I’m not homophobic and transphobic like her. Idk, I’m worried she’s gonna make this awkward lol. I’m literally crying rn

I dont feel well, I feel extremely ill from the panic and anxiety attack I had last night. The transgender thing really triggered me and i genuinely believe thats the real me. My future isnt looking good, this isnt even an ocd topic anymore but I dont want to leave this app. What am I going to do from now on? I have register for spring semester but how when condiyion is like this? Wtf my body feels weak, what has happened to me.

How am I supposed to live my life as a straight woman when I have all these memories of things I’ve done and evidence that proves I’m gay? I don’t understand how that’s responsible. This is my only theme, and I’ve had it on and off since I was 12. It’s been pretty “on” for the last 3 years, and I just don’t see how this is OCD. Why does this have to be my theme? Why couldn’t I get something less realistic or possible to happen? I worry that I will never be free of this, that I’ll never be able to have a relationship. I’m 20 years old and I’ve been scared of being a lesbian since I was 12. This cannot be OCD, it just cant. I simply don’t understand. I am turned on by lesbian porn, for Christ sake! Even when I’m not actively doing compulsions, the thoughts are still there, but I have no anxiety. They’re just there. I don’t understand how this can be OCD. I’ve been diagnosed several times by several different doctors, but it feels like I know I’ve been lying to them. Whenever I hear about people with REAL OCD, I get a pit in my stomach because I know I don’t have it and I’m a liar and a fraud. Also, does anyone else question the nature of this obsession? Like I feel like this is such an obscure mental illness, not to mention an obscure obsession within that mental illness. It just feels like this big elaborate story that is true for some people, but false for most (particularly me). Like, what the hell are the chances that a regular, normal girl from California has a crippling fear of being a lesbian for almost half of her life, but isn’t actually a lesbian and instead has OCD? That just seems like bullshit. It seems like a cop out. I’m saying this regarding me, not anyone else. I’d really like to talk to someone. I’m having a really hard day.

Does anyone else have rocd pertaining to a future relationship? I want to get treatment but everything I have seen so far about rocd talks about current relationships. I want to get treatment so that hopefully I can be in a relationship in the future without rocd.

Hey everyone. I have been struggling with HOCD for about a month and a half now and recently for the first time had two days where I felt a bit of relief. I was able to quiet my intrusive thoughts and remember that they are simply not who I am at all, and it felt so great to feel like myself again. However, I am struggling with constant intrusive thoughts again today and everything seems to be triggering me. I keep trying to remind myself that thoughts do not equal reality, but it is so much harder than it was the other day and all I want is to go back to feeling like myself. Also, I think the most distressing thing for me right now is the fact that, as a straight woman who has always been boy crazy, these HOCD thoughts have caused me to feel like I’m losing attraction to men, including the guy I like. Any tips/words of wisdom and encouragement would be greatly appreciated so I can work on healing my relationship with my thoughts and go back to feeling the attraction to men that I have always naturally had and loved.

TW*** Im at a loss of words now, i think I just realized Im transgender last night and had a massive panic attack. I googled tocd when i already had a feeling that its not tocd and ended up reading someones post who transitioned from a boy to a girl and many other comments about how they were in denial and I was able to relate to quite many things there, it sent me into an attack, ive literally never felt something like that before, my whole body shook, knees felt weak and couldnt focus, went to sleep and had dreams, everything in the dream was relating to transgender and woke up with anxiety and feel completely broken down and hollow inside, I can barely talk, my face looks like an empty void and droopy. I dont know what to do, I feel extreme shame and embarassment, my whole life flashed before me and how this would affect my family and my life. It really feels like this is the real me, and now I feel like Ive never actually felt like a proper man because I didnt know what It felt like and I was just acting to be a man and theres alot of proof that came with with it. I dont know what im going to do guys, this really cant be happening man. Someone help please please

Freaking out freaking out!!! Oh my god what if my partner and I aren’t compatible!? What if I’m just with him bc of attachment!?!? My intrusive thoughts are calmer. What if I am just afraid to break up with him… I know I love him but it feels fake when I say it…. 😞 is breaking up the only way to find my answer!? Someone on Reddit says ROCD can stem on real problems and she broke up to see if her ex is compatible for her…

I'm having a really rough day. I've only met with my therapist twice so far so this is all new to me. I have realationshp ocd and mental contamination ocd. So today I was supposed to work. Last night I just found myself wide awake. I don't know if I had too much caffeine at dinner in my Pepsi and decaf coffee I had that evening but I could not fall asleep and each hour that passed was one hour closer to my alarm going off at 430am. By 4am I was crying and had myself so worked up. I was thinking I finally have gone crazy. I was going to try to make it through my day without any sleep but the thought of being with my thoughts for over 24hrs on a tired mind made me cry. Sleep is the only break I get from my thinking. So I called off work and felt extreme guilt because about a week ago I had to call off to stay with my child, then couldn't come in this past Thursday when they actually called me in because I was actually sick from the covid shot. I was crying because this isn't like me. I'm panicking I'll lose my job, lose my mind, my house, my relationships, sleep. I took some NyQuil and melatonin around 5am and am just now waking up at 2pm feeling panicky and not even sure how to handle the feeling and all these thoughts. Scared I've messed up my sleep forever. How do I go about handling this? I know I can't have a fear of not falling asleep now so how do I get a grip on this today when all I feel is fear and like crying?